Not sure if this is considered an affair... I have been in a committed relationship for the last 4 years. I have a co-worker (who is very happily married) that over the last couple of months has flirted with me.. I would just laugh and brush it off for quite some time, but then I started flirting back.. So yesterday he said he had a dream about me shortly after we met.. So I of course asked what the dream was, well he had a sex dream of me.. I was flattered that someone other than my significant other had dreams of me. The morning continued as normal and then he came back and said that we should text and maybe send some dirty texts as well. So I was hesitant but he gave me his number and moved along with his day. So I decided to text him, but my first text was a set of rules. I told him that there would be no texting when I was home and that all messages had to be deleted by the end of the day. He agreed and we spent most of our day texting back and forth and along with those texts were some dirty ones (like he was talking about his "size" and asked me what bra size I wear and what I thought of the dream he told me about) I was fine with all of this as I am a very open person and pretty much everything is open for discussion. So anyways as the conversations go on he tells me I should meet him at an area of our work and make out with him. I politely declined (even though I was more than curious to kiss him). We continued texting and he would drop other subtle hints that he was curious to see if my lips were as nice to kiss as they look. (his words) anyways at the end of the day I decided to go to where he said we should meet up and he wasn't there even though we were just texting minutes prior. So with my head in shame and embarrassment I went back to my side of work and told him I went to see him and that he was no where to be found. He said he walked away for just a moment to grab something and for me to come back. I declined and told him I didn't have the guts to go back a second time.. Anyway moments before we both left for the day we both agreed to meet at a certain place at work and we kissed! I was so nervous and was so shocked with myself after I did it!!! But it was absolutely amazing! So fast forward to today.. We ended up kissing again and the sparks and sexual attraction is definitely there.. (yes he told me he wanted me right then and there) I stopped us before it could go any further than a kiss, even though at that moment we could have easily took things further. So here I am at home now and my boyfriend is at work and I am thinking to myself of why would I do something so insane and possibly very damaging to my relationship?! I do feel guilty for the kiss but I don't think I will ever tell my boyfriend. There is no point of him suffering with me.. I don't know if my co-worker and I will ever kiss again. and right now I'm not sure it would be a wise choice to anyway... I can't help but feel like my relationship is lacking the intimacy that I crave. But at the same time I don't want to leave my relationship nor do I ever expect that my co-worker will ever leave his wife and children. We are both happy with the people we are with, but if we are so happy then why did we do something so stupid because of personality and sexual attraction to each other? I hope someone has some insight and can help me figure this out... I am desperately confused and at a loss as to what I should do at this point. Also what happens if my co-worker wants to continue this and I tell him no more? This is just so screwed up and I would have never imagined myself in this position.... :(
dreamlessmaybe dreamlessmaybe
26-30, F
3 Responses Aug 22, 2014

I think you have to ask yourself what you want to have happen and if it is worth it. is it hormones or lust or are you looking for attention that your husband isn't giving you?

Let this play out and see what happens. Maybe he wants a spouse/girlfriend at work. Maybe he will back off. Only time will tell.

Very true.. Maybe that is exactly what he wants.. I'm just not sure I want the same.. I have never had a fling or one night stand in my life and this is soooo beyond anything I could have imagined myself doing...

Does he want a one night stand with you. Maybe he wants more then that. Just take things slowly with him. So where it leads to. Do you see a future with him or your boyfriend.

I honestly doubt there will ever be a future with my coworker. He is very happily married and is always saying how beautiful his wife is or what nice things he did for her. He is an absolutely wonderful man and is everything I could hope for in a man. But like I said I do not ever see this being anything more that flirting/ kissing and sex (If I ever go that far.. A large part of me hopes I don't.. I don't want to be that person.. ) I want to see a future with my boyfriend but after 4 years together he as yet to commit any further than what we currently are... He says he wants me to be his wife but only makes excuses as to why now wouldn't be a good time to. Everything seems to feel like an excuse or a pawn... I guess time will tell?

Then your boyfriend ether needs to grow a pair. You need to dump him if he will not commit and makes excuse why he can't commit to you. Just be friend with your coworker and see how it goes. Live your life the way you want to . That is your choice what you want to do. You are still young miss dreams :)

Thank you so much! I know in my heart that at some point I will need to dump him if he does not commit. But I am trying to give it as much time as my heart will allow. My patience is wearing really thin, but I think I am giving until our 5 year mark (maybe less) to commit to me and if he doesn't then I need to just cut my losses and move on.. It's so easy for me to say what I need to do but it is completely different when it comes time to do it.. (I have made the stay or go debate at least one other time and chose to stay) Is it completely and utterly wrong to let what is going on with me and my coworker continue? Or should I just tell my work nothing physical and just texts and flirting? Sorry I guess I need a little advice. haha

*Coworker not work

Give him to the 5 year mark. If he doesn't commit. Time for you to cut your loses and find your self a new man. Even if its your co-worker or not. What you do with your coworker is your choice. What does HR say about coworkers dating or having affairs? Sounds like you have a choice. do you want physical affair or emotional one.

Hmm that is a good question.. I have no idea what HR says about affairs or dating.. But I would assume that they are probably frowned upon... I wouldn't want anyone at work to know I am having an affair though.. Also I'm not even sure what I want.. But I think I were to choose, I would have to say I don't want to go any further than I have. Which right now it is a mix.. Right? It's not completely emotional only but at the same time it isn't physical as in we are having sex... Ugh I should have never let myself get into this mess and I wouldn't have to stress on what choices I should have to make... I don't want to be a cheater, and I have already become one.. :(

What ever you do is your choice. If you want to end it or not. That is up to you. But if you feel you are in a good place right now. Then keep doing what you are doing. Ask your coworker how far he wants it to go. Make some ground rules.

Thank you! Your response is completely logical even though I feel like I am freaking out a bit on the inside.. I guess I just need a clear picture on this whole situation and what is wanted by my coworker and myself... At least for the next 2 days I will be home and not have to see my coworker so I will have plenty of time to think and sort this all out in my head before making my final decision.

Message me if you want to talk some more. Some times we need to step back and look at the bigger picture so to speak. that is good you are taking your days off to find your center.

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Sounds like things have not progressed to a breaking point, you seem mature enough to handle things". My guess is that you want to say no and chalk it up to a lesson learned.. But part of you is anxious to play the little courting games that we all love..I have been down both paths before... I was weak and went forward and had to live with so much guilt it eventually ended my marriage... If you want to talk further let me know... Not judgmental at all...

Thank you so much for your response! I would like to think that I am mature enough to handle things. But over the last couple of days I am wondering how strong I really am.. It is really exciting to play the courting games and the teasing and flirting is a lot of excitement.. But I am afraid that I may be weak and let it go too far.. But I keep telling myself that because I am worrying so much that the chances of it going to far are not going to happen. I love my boyfriend so much but I have to admit I do wonder what it would be like to be with someone else.. The biggest question to myself is will I ever let my curiosity get the best of me?

I can offer this, don't let this " new guys" aggressiveness be the thing that forces your hand, if that happens you excuse will be that he made you do it.. If this something you really want to experience, make yourself be the reason, no one else. I think when you take ownership of these emotions you will make better decisions. Sorry to ramble...

No ramble, and I couldn't agree with you more! I do take 100% ownership of meeting him and kissing him back. I chose to do that, I know that the flirting and texting went both ways and I am accepting of that fact. I am also accepting of the fact that even though the opportunity was there and he offered to take things much further I declined. I have a conscience and I don't want to do something where I know that I won't be able to look my boyfriend in the eyes because I am riddled with so much guilt.. Don't get me wrong I do feel bad that I have kissed someone other that my boyfriend, but I think I would feel a whole lot worse if I had sex with someone other than him. I have already taken away one thing that only he and I shared I don't think I am ready to take away anything else.. :( I am a person that believes that if you are going to cheat you should just break up with the person you are with because cheating is so wrong.. But I am a walking counteraction of what I believe in because kissing is still considered cheating and I guess I am looking at it as less than cheating to make myself feel better... I am so incredibly screwed up and confused right now... My mind is spinning in circles... and all over a damned kiss that didn't mean anything than my own ridiculous curiosity....

Very well said, sounds like your head is in the right place....

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