I love my husband but I had an affair. I told my husband everything and he wants to forgive me but hes finding it hard. I want to do everything he says because hes a wonderful person all round and in so many ways, way better than anyone else-patient,kind, loving, caring, intelligent, creative, funny and wonderful.
So why cant I stop thinking about my lover? Hes not any comparison in many ways but yet theres so much about him too...and above all he says he loves me and will do anything to make me happy..he says if I would leave my husband and marry him he would be the happiest man alive.
I have stopped all contact with my lover because I owe it to my husband to respect him. But I miss my lover so much. Im so sad without him. And I cant even tell him that as my husband says thats a condition of us trying to patch things up.
Is it normal to keep pining for the wrong man?
vuexter vuexter
36-40, F
5 Responses Aug 23, 2014

It's certainly normal to still think about the other person, especially if the revelation was recent. It's going to take time. It's very likely you may have felt bored and/or isolated in your marriage, and once this other guy came into the picture, it added an element of adventure and risk to your life. Something to break up the routine.

Who isn't to say that even if you did take up the other man on his offer to leave your husband, that that relationship wouldn't lose it's luster after awhile after it became a legitimate relationship, and not one based on the deceptive nature and adrenaline rush of an affair.

I give you a lot of credit for coming clean to your husband, and wish you the best moving forward.

My H also wants to work things out....I still think about MM everyday...a lot. We did keep in contact for about 2 months after affair ended but it's been about a month now and I still think about and miss him terribly. They say time helps....hasn't for me yet. Good luck to you.

Its so hard...but we're both doing the right thing...good luck to you too!

I completely agree with you. The problem is that its hard to put him out of my mind. But what im doing thats working really well is that rather than try to forget him...I think about something positive about my husband. Actually thats really not hard. The way he has responded to all this has given me a respect for him higher than I ever realised was possible. I have very nice memories about my affair. And I truly hope that he is ok (it kills me that I cant ring to check) but ultimately respecting my husband is more important than anything else right now. He deserves it, but more than that, I feel it.

A spouse becomes a duty, and affair represents an escape. Have an affair with your husband. Seriously.

Book adjoining hotel rooms and sneak into his bed in the middle of the night. Send him text messages about what you'd like to do when he gets home - or when you do. etc etc etc

Great idea, im going to see what we can do...the major problem though is that we dont see each other for weeks at a tume due to work...now is one if those times...but I guess we can work tht in to your suggestions. Each time we see each other it could be like the first meeting!

Maybe your pinning for the right man...

Thats what im also scared of :-/

Your H is probably a nice guy. The choice of the head.
Your lover though stirred something deep inside. The choice of the heart.

It is normal, it is a loss. Unfortunately you became attached to a person who you shouldn't have invested so much time and energy into. Now your energy needs to focus on your husband. Your feelings need to be second to his. Because you put his feelings second to yours when you had the affair.

You're right...its also what he says and I want to respect him. I feel so humble that hes prepared to try to work it out, even if ultimately we cant. I just wish I could stop thinking about the other guy. I hope time will help with that.

Try thinking about him once a day. Feel the feeling, acknowledge that it is there, then make a decision that it gets in your way of having something better. Then go on with your day knowing you can sit with those feelings again tomorrow. Don't try to stop thinking about him, just try to control/choose when you do it.

Oh my gosh thats so simple but such good advice. I have been absolutely honest with my husband about everythings hes asked. But I cant tell him I still think of my lover although im sure he knows I must. Im punishing myself for thinking about him...but I like this idea...allow it but just for a short time. Thank you so much for your advice