I am sitting by the same window. Looking out from my work. I remember it was the same afternoon, the same scenery, I dialed your phone number, and asked to see you. You heard my voice and said: "oh wow, it's great!!" I asked: "what is great??" And you replied: "It's great we are talking." You once said: "if ever one day your conscience says it's ok to see me. Come see me." So that day my conscience allowed me to call you, and that night I went to your studio.

If I never dialed your phone.. if you never picked up..

And now it's 7 months after.

The most painful thing is not about having an affair. Not about being your mistress in the hiding. Not about betraying my husband. Not about accepting you seeing other woman. Not about living a double life. But about not knowing. Not knowing when is the next time to see you. The uncertainties. The endless waiting. Waiting for a call a text that will never come.

Most of all, nothing is more painful than loving you but unable to tell you. How can we be so close yet so far away? So intimate but became total strangers the moment we are out in the public? How can you love somebody so much yet have to pretend the feelings were never there?

I choose you. To keep you. So I chose to bite my tongue and dismiss my pain.

Remember sitting by the same window, on the phone, you told me how I drived you crazy. The moment I hang up, you text me "you give me the butterflies!!"

And now it's 7 months after.

I am still sitting by the same window. Have your feelings changed? Mine never changed a bit. People tell me if I don't stop now I will get hurt even more. But how can I get hurt further more than now? I've already have my heart ripped open for you.

Today I smell cigarettes and I am missing you. I miss the cigarette smell on me.

And somehow, in some way, I have mistaken it for love.
myheart99 myheart99
36-40, F
2 Responses Aug 23, 2014

U make me stronger.. You give me a reason not to love him.. Coz with all u write it tells me your r so strong.. I could never be this strong.. I could never live with such hurt... I hope u did someone who deserves the loving person u are...

You didn't mistake anything for love. It WAS love. Someone who thinks her heart has been ripped open can't just sit there saying she mistook anything for love. You were in love. Maybe he wasn't, but you were.

I wish I could just wave a magic wand and wish that pain away. I can't. All I can do is wish you all the best and hope that your pain eases for you.