I know the affair is over, I know it's for the best, I know he won't contact me anymore, I know when we eventually do see each other we will act like neither exists to the other, I know what we meant to each other, I know that no matter how much we promised....we could never stay friends, I know I miss him like crazy, I know my family deserves better then me, I know all sorts of things now. Hindsight is 20/20.

What I don't know is why it hurts so damn bad, why I am the only one of us hurting like this....or am I.....oh yeah, that's another thing I don't know.

I hate this feeling of not knowing....not knowing when I will wake up without him being my first thought or go to sleep without him being my last thought, etc. This is an absolute first for me, I don't do this in relationships, never have. I've had breakups and just moved on....why is this one any different....yeah I hate not knowing!!
Suzanne1976 Suzanne1976
41-45, F
4 Responses Aug 26, 2014

Suzanne, If he told you how he felt, he wouldn't be gone. He knows that, and you have to know that as well.
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If you didn't matter, he'd just call you, or even see you and comfort you in a friendly manner. But he can't. It would never end.
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There is NO WAY to wean ones self from an addiction or love. If that were possible, folks would just cut back their use of crack, heroin, or alcohol to the point where it is manageable.
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In some other weird world, the two of you could be next door neighbors, cook out, drink beers, and play cards with each other and your spouses, and just enjoy frank conversations about how nice it was to love one another without your spouses being destroyed. Everyone would be confident, secure, and comfortable with themselves, what they have, and who they are.
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That's not this world.

Creel your words always make sense, just wish I knew that was the reason he stopped speaking. He knows how hurt I am, he says he can't move on unless he cuts all contact. I have respected that after the final email. We (our families) were all such good friends before the affair, I miss that the most, loving each other secretly, texting everyday and hanging out, but never crossing the line, but then we did & that's all she wrote.

I love reading your honest emotional accounts, Suzanne.. it makes me realize again why this forum was and is, such a great comfort and support. I've wondered about these same issues for a long time, and have "interviewed" many an OM and OW and my therapist about it, and have come up with some answers.
When we first engage in the affair, we have no frame reference as to what it means to be in love with a MM, while married ourselves. We find bliss with another human being, when we're not really free to do so and we can't share it with the world. We overcome this emotional and moral hurdle by explaining it away to ourselves as a need we can't ignore, finding fault with ourselves and our marriages. With very little practice in leading a double life, we form a habit of this part-time love, as it's like medicine to all that wrong in our life. We learn to be extremely patient, unpossessive, we learn to control our reactions, we learn that the only place we can be happy as ourselves is behind the safely closed doors of a hotel room. We are not alone there, we are with a man who loves us dearly and is grappling with the same issues. We found love with a kindred spirit, someone who also cares about their family and will do anything so as not to hurt them. We believe having an affair is the "lesser evil" as leaving the families now would be disastrous and painful to them.
We live in this way for a period of......months/years until either someone finds out, or the pull to resolve and clean up our lives starts disturbing us to a point where we need to find resolution. Mostly, the affair will end at this stage, as fear, shame and guilt are strong disciplinarians. The few that do find the courage to leave, face many challenges in surviving and rebuilding a new life. Most do not survive this. The ones who stay in their marriage, feel a sense of sacrifice that is within the "acceptable" norm. After all, we are accountable adults with physical responsibilities to the families we co create. Running away from them is not an acceptable option.
The only "reasonable" option is to cease and desist.
BOTH affair partners grieve. The ones who were busted live like little naughty kids who's movements are closely monitored , while the other tries to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all...
It takes time and effort to transform this experience from sheer pain back to content living. The "silence" of the aftermath is deafening. After this uber multi sensory experience, we need a lot of down time to regain our balance. The one thing NOT TO DO is to feel guilty about how long it takes us to feel like ourselves again. Slowly, you will figure out your own issues (stay or leave) and the thoughts will transform into memories of the sweet time that was had.

Thank you so much Marmelade....your answers make sense.

Very analytical piece, marmelade. You have put an objective lens on a very emotional issue. You are my inspiration!

thanxx November ;))

Marmelade, That's Spot ON! It is the medicine that fixes us. The cause and solution to all of our problems.

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Hey babe they say affairs are different to relationships are feelings are always way way more intense, possibly for the fact of knowing you can never have them all to yourself and it's the massive feeling of loss. No idea how it will get easier and when but one thing I know for sure is that it will. Best thing to do is to find a way to rebuild your self confidence. You're attractive fun sexy, if you weren't you wouldn't have been the other woman. We are very special in many ways including how much stronger we are than some women. Remind yourself that be proud. Lift your head up high. You don't need him, he needs you. I promise that's your answer just believe it. Huge hugs xxx

Thanks Missy.....I am trying to believe all of that.

You make a good point Missy. The affair has that quality of loss from the get go...

I know exactly how you feel about the not knowing part - it's awful! And everyone tells you that time will make the distress fade away. Whether or not I condone affairs, I hope you find closure somehow about this!

Thank you....I tried to gain closure by asking him to talk to me to, to tell me goodbye. He won't. I'm trying to deal the best I know how.

You won't get that closure from him. I have had that kind if experience myself. Just close the door and accept that what is just is. Time will heal.

I went through something similar with my last boyfriend. It hurts so much to be treated like what you had doesn't matter, and like you are the only one that remembers it at all.

Yes that is one of the hardest parts....I feel like it didn't matter to him at all. He lost so much all at once, but after everything I would have liked a real talk and goodbye.

He sounds like he just dropped you and has moved on. Did he already find your replacement? I feel really bad for you... I know the feeling of wanting closure.

We got caught, the night before we go caught we both said we didn't want to end things. He has dropped me....to get his family back...he got kicked out of his house.

Oh... He has a family? Kids? This is a really sad situation. I feel badly for everyone (except him).

We are both married with kids, I take my part of the blame too. I feel bad for him....and sometimes I don't.

I wouldn't feel too badly for him. When it came down to it, he picked his wife. If she is good enough to stay with, and to pick over you - then she was good enough to not be cheated on. He wanted his cake - and to eat it too.

True....I agree. Maybe you could read my original post on here, give you some background, if you are bored enough.

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