Ever See That Movie "How to Make An American Quilt"?

I had an affair once, in my 16 years of marriage.

Once. But I would do it again. Ever see the movie "How to make an american quilt"? Well, I feel like I relate to all of the characters in the movie.

I was pregnant at 17, married my first boyfriend in high school. We dated in high school for 4 years, got pregnant in my senior year, and then married right away.

He was very controlling, very religious. I was coming from a home where my father was physically abusing me (beating me up, black eyes, bruises all over) and my mother was being abused too. I guess I thought this boyfriend would take care of me, get me out of the life. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't understand that this boyfriend was not healthy for me either.

So now we have been married forever. I hate every aspect of my life. We have hardly anything in common. I want so much to be with someone who has similar interests.

I want to be with someone who likes to dance, be outdoors, go camping, go swimming, go walking, hiking, like the same music I like.

Instead, he is nice enough, but is highly critical of anything I mentioned above. He is religious to the point if I have one glass of wine with a friend, once a year, he yells at me in front of that friend about my "sin". He drags me to things he likes to do - church, religious conventions, more church.

The affair was awful, I shouldn't have done it......

but I felt free for once. I felt wanted and pretty. I felt I had found someone who liked me for ME. My thoughts, my interests. I had a choice, and I wasn't with him because I was pregnant.

I would like to divorce my husband, but now we have 2 kids who will be devastated, no money, etc. I am 34, who would want someone so old? I wasted all my younger years, had no happy childhood.

Am I supposed to suck it up and keep pretending to be happy? I would give anything to have the affair back in my life, even after the damage it cause my marriage. Anything. But I am too afraid and want to be a good person still....but deep down this is how I feel.

thanks for listening.

americanquilt americanquilt
31-35, F
5 Responses Mar 19, 2009

Get a divorce or get your marriage up to where you need it to be.

Hopeswishes I think what you need is a little bit of clarity around you. Didn't you once upon a time love your husband? How did you feel when you and your husband were first together? What you experienced was love. You may have lust for this other man but not love. We all see people we think we have fallen head over heels in love with but isn't that how most of us felt when we first saw our partners. Love is the guy who comes home to you every day for 7 years good and bad. Life wears people down but dont make a mistake. You have 2 wonderful girls who need both you and your husband. If you wish to follow your desires then do what pleases you but you will come back to where you started sans husband sans kids. One final word of advice:Try loving your husband and put all your effort into your marriage, Your love for each other will find you guys again.

34 is NOT old! I'm your age, and feel younger now than I did when I was 24. Anyway, your husband sounds exactly like the kind of man I was becoming as a teenager. I was very religious, but for all the wrong reasons (I wanted to use it as a form of control, because, in retrospect, I can see I was afraid and wanted to be sure that my significant other would never do the things to me I was afraid of). But, I changed. I died, in a sense, and recreated myself. My wife cannot believe that I ever was that way. She has only known a man who listens, shares, cares, romances, and enjoys the same things she does (the things you mention, actually - which is probably why I feel younger now than 10 years ago - I'm in way better shape after having reinvented myself). I hold on to her with open hands, giving her the freedom to love, and in return she loves me fully. This is where things get dicey for me... I am madly in love with her as well. She is my soulmate... yet, lately, I can't help noticing all the young beautiful women around me. I make myself sound good above, but really, I'm terrible because of this and I don't know what to do about it... Gah, I hate myself for it... but I've been so tempted to experience something different. So far, I haven't acted on it... but how do I keep this up? Every time I express this here on EP, someone ends up calling me a jerk. Well, if I have an affair, I'll certainly agree with you. But, I'm not a jerk yet, and I hope to stay that way.

i married at 19, now seven yrs on i dont love my husband, he is a wonderful really good person with a child-like innocence and purity that i jus cant spoil, but i dont love him, im 26 with 2 little grls and i am head-over-heels flipped over this 20yr old guy from my building, but i wont even speak 2 him cos i cant mess things up for my children, they adore their father and he loves them, but i dream of finding love...its killing me...

I was with you up until you said you were old! I am also 34 and girl I aint old. LOL... You are not old either. I have been married what seems to be a life time too. I think I got married too young. Hell at 34 I still think it is too young!! LOL.... I have learned to deal with my unhappiness. My husband is a good man I just do not love him like a wife loves a husband. i love him as a friend and father of our children. I too found someone. It was nice. WIth that I realized that I had options. I stayed. Not for money but because I feel like I am not ready to leave. I am a coward and can not muster up the strenght to leave him. I have tried but the emotinal pain that comes with telling him how I feel hurts so much. I hate to watch him suffer. So I "suffer in silence."