Painful Situation I Never Could Have Imagined

Just have to say that you only have one chance at life. If you have tried and tried and given it all you have to your marriage and its not better, you should think about ending it. I understand about being htere for the kids, I stayed in an verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 22 yrs and I wish I hadnt stayed. It was terrible for my children to see it all. I have a close male friend who fell in love with someone from work, broke up, recommitted to his marriage for his small children, was still in love with her for 4 yrs then she came back into his life and he is no longer married and with this woman. Their kids all get along very well (her two and his two) and it seems his ex wife is happy too with a new boyfriend of her own. It can work out is my point. And children need to live with parents who are happy and showing them how to care and love for one another. That's my opinion.

Quit being wishy washy and make a damn decision already.

I COMPLETELY understand your predicament., having been in the same place as you. You cant eat, sleep or concentrate on anything but this.



I married at age 18. By age 20 I had 2 kids and now aged 31 married to same man that I have never really been IN love with. Had a 19 month affair with someone I fell head over heels in love with . F****ed up my head, and heart got broken. We broke up properly last months after sort of finishing in July 2010. I still miss him but I am glad that I didnt jeapordise my kids happiness for him. Kids need parents, both parents around them. My kids are 13 & 4. Walk away from this woman and as much as it will hurt and it will! Mentally tell yourself every DAY the posiutive things about your marriage, your home & your kids. In time it will hurt less xx

Your post is coming across as 'your story' for why you should leave your wife - you're trying to justify it in your own mind and to those of us who will read and judge. Jane is not the answer. If you left your wife to be with Jane, you will come to find out that she will not measure up to your expectations; and that relationship will last about 18 months (on average). Your relationship with Jane is fantasy - you're not living in the real world of bills, kids, work, etc. And if you think there is pain now, you have no idea of what you're about to unleash if this emotional affair turns physical. The grass is only greener on the other side because that's where we're watering it. You've started a family - wife, family, home, in-laws, etc. Put your focus there. Again, Jane is not the answer. It's time to grow up.

I think dayenknight makes a good point. What if the pattern starts again when you are with "Jane"? I think you do need to take some time away from both women in your life and figure out what you really want. The kids are the important part. If you stay and you are unhappy they will pick up on that. You must focus on your wife wholly if you do decide to stay. It isn't an easy situation. I am going through a similar situation and it's hard. I hope you figure out what is best for you. Everyone deserves to be happy.

If you have had that much counselling then you probably have heard all there is to hear about what is happening and why and what to do about it.....however I will add my 2 cents worth from my own experiences in the hope it can help you...



I had many affairs over a 10 year period until my wife finally said enough and left me...the pain was so great and so many people were hurt...not just my family and extended families on both sides but all our many friends who loved us too...I was staggered by how far reaching the pain for others was or how devastating it was for them....My children suffered terribly also...children only wish for their parents to be happy and stay together as a family....When they cannot understand why their parents split up they look for answers in their own lives and end up blaming themselves for the things they did that upset their parents.....lots of these children grow up to be angry and dissatisfied with themselves and can lead to dysfunctional behaviour...



I immediately went into lots of intensive therapy followed by counselling to understand what happened in the therapy....this is what I found...



Men have affairs not because there is something wrong with their marriages but because they are afraid of being close to -



Being truly intimate - this can only rise when you begin to love for real....the real truth....(with your wife) This is borne usually from an early experience with your first primal relationship (Mum/Mom/Mother) where you have loved her whole heartedly and you have perceived at some time in your life over something that could be trivial to grown ups but huge to kids, she has betrayed or let you down and emotionally you shut off from getting to close because you will get hurt if you do... which develops into a lack of trust for the opposite sex if and when you get too close....



So when you commit to a relationship it becomes your primal one replacing you very first ...and when true love with your wife puts you into an intimacy position your trust issues and subconscious memory of hurt and emotional pain rises and you have to look for a safe outlet...and an affair is the most convenient...one you fear and pain gets massaged by this gorgeous creature who seems to understand you better than anyone has in the past and she just glows with love and compassion for you and who you seem to be...and you start then to devalue your wife because of your guilt about feeling this way and separating yourself from those whom you now think you dont love....



It is fantasy...it is a cop out....a running away from responsibility...the girl of the affair looks so much better while she is not washing your socks and jocks....and you are always only dealing with each other on a superficial level...no negatives as there aren't any when you have no responsibilities with each other...



So you leave your wife and after all the devastating trauma cost and painful extractions of lives built with heavy investments of time emotion intimacy love and responsibility of children whose lives are shattered.... you take up residence with this gorgeous creature whom you just cant stop thinking about....and begin again to rebuild what you just left and guess what?.....



When you reach the level of intimacy that you had with wife no 1 these old unresolved hurts and pains from long ago that you had not dealt with in counselling...rise their ugly heads again to affect this relationship...and another gorgeous creature of unspeakable beauty and understanding miraculously appears who is absolutely your soul mate and the pattern repeats again ....and it will continue to repeat again and again until you get real and dig down deep in honesty and truth to remove the real problem...buried deep within yourself...



I know its not easy to face and that's why we run away from it and our wives and children....but you are always bigger than any problem you are given to deal with....and you can overcome it... your future happiness depends on it....there is no long term happiness in escape from inner and outer responsibilities...

IN your heart you know what you want to do. Follow your heart and don't look back.

From what I just read, the old saying of "NOT making a choice is still a choice" comes to mind.



Are you sure you aren't just trying to avoid looking like the "bad guy" and leaving that burden on your wife?



Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating up on you. I'm the "Jane" in my own story.



PastisPast is right... You need to get away from both of them probably for at least 6 months, to clear your head. Yeah, your wife might move on in that time, so might "Jane" but you NEED to do what is right for you now and take the path which will address what is best for everyone concerned, especially yourself. For if you aren't happy, I promise you, the people close to you will be unhappy as well.



I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Try spending a period of time away from both of them to clear your head. You are doing neither of them any favour.