This Sucks!

I had an affair with my boyfriend's best friend.  First of all my boyfriend's name is Steve and his best friend's name is Mark.  I'm going to start from the beginning.

I've known Mark for years.  When we were teenagers we dated, nothing serious.  Well, 20 years later I bump into Mark at a gathering and ended up meeting Steve because they were there together.  When I first saw Mark after 20 years I wasn't interested in him, plus he was married at the time.  However, I did show interest in his friend Steve.  Steve and I got together and were happy for a couple of years.  I started to fall out of love with Steve because I was feeling neglected and he kept comparing me to his ex and all she would do then I found out that he signed up with an on line dating site.  Anyway, by this time Mark and his wife got a divorce.  About a year after the divorce I started to feel differently about Mark.  Then about a year after that we both started showing interest in each other.  We ended up hanging out a lot (no sex at this point) just hanging out catching up etc.  Well after he and I got to know each other again I felt very attracted to him because we have so much in common and he makes me laugh.  Apparently he felt the same about me.  One night when we went out I ended up spending the night at his house.  We did not have sex, we just made out and went to sleep.  After that incident I didn't hear from him for a week so I called him and he said he felt guilty about what happened the previous weekend.  So I went over there to talk to him to let him know everything was okay and that I understood.  Well, when I went to leave he grabbed me up and started kissing me and we ended up back in his room having sex.  The affair went on for about 3 months.  I hoped it would turn into more than an affair, that's why I let it happen in the first place.  When we called it off I missed him so much and it was so hard to deal with because Steve is his friend and would talk about him from time to time and it would upset me because I was trying to get over the affair.  Well, Mark and I hadn't talked for 4 months then we started hanging out again as friends no sex.  Then a couple of months later I called Mark on his b-day to wish him a happy b-day.  I told him that I would take him out to eat anywhere he wanted and he said that he wanted me to get take out and go to his house.  So I did and we ended up having sex again.  It was different this time because we didn't hang out like we used to.  We would get together about once a month for sex.  It bought my feelings for him back and now I'm suffering.  I can't be with him like that.  I have to either be his friend after I move on or his exclusive girlfriend.  I'm not friends with benefits material, but I can't seem to forget him.  Everything reminds me of him.  In the mean time while all this is going on I've been trying to break up with Steve, but he won't let me go.  I'm so sick of all this stuff.  I want to be with Mark, but I don't think Mark wants to be with me since Steve is his friend.  I miss Mark so much.

That's my story.  It's trashy I know, but it happened and there's nothing I can do about the past.  Believe me, if I could I would go back and never have had sex with him.  It just feels good to get it out and write about it.  I can't talk about it to anyone, because I'm a shamed of what I did and the wrong people could find out.  I think that's why it's taking so long to get over it, because I can't talk to anyone about it.

cpsillygoats cpsillygoats
36-40, F
8 Responses Jun 1, 2009

After experiencing first hand you cheating on his best friend, I can say as a guy that he has no interest in you other than for sex. Sorry if I'm blunt but I really do hope everything works out for you.

I agree with everyone, except dayen, it happened and sometimes it is terribly hard to let go. I understand that it isn't like you don't love your husband, you were exploring your feelings and sexuality. At some point, you either have to live with it, or let the guilt take over and tell everyone, thereby destroying everyone else's emotions. It is very painful to go through a breakup of a relationship when you are already in one, but you have to do deal with it. If you need someone to talk to, chat me up.

Wel, first off you did not have an affair, that is only when one is married and they cheat and have sex with someone other than their spouse, You are just sneaking around and screwing some other dude.

i think you and MArk should get together & not Care wat anybody thinks or says. Just how no one else cares about your feelings.

You know....honesty and truth is always the greatest healer in any situation...married or not... having affairs or not....<br />
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Suggestion:<br />
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Why dont you...get both guys together and y'all sit down and talk openly about how y'all feel and openly share what you have been doing....and work together for an amicable solution whatever the outcome you will still be friends caring and supporting each other and the hurt and pain dissolved...<br />
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There will be many different positive scenarios that can come from a meeting like this...the 3 of you are obviously good friends and both guys know you intimately well as you do open it honest with each other in each others company...<br />
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Better than doing what you are doing and not knowing what the eventual outcome will be...which can be devastating and losing friendships unnecessarily...

Well - I am not sure you will be able to remain friends, at least in the beginning, if you TRULY want to get over him. To get over him - YOU NEED TO stop ALL contact with him - no emails, no calls, no IM - NADA. Does this hurt?? Like hell, but it can work. <br />
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You also need to figure out about the situation with your current BF. Something is obviously NOT working there. No one can tell you WHAT to do ... but I can give you experiences of what I have been through. <br />
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The cutting contact with my friend?? I was never able to keep my end of the bargain up. He flat out to me he would not leave his wife, and if he were to pick being friends vs. sex he picks friends -- but I don't think I can do this. We are not talking right now - to see if we can adjust (OK - to see if I can adjust -- to him, it doesn't seem to be a problem adjusting .... ) so ...... <br />
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Good luck - please post again.

I agree--this sort of thing happens to a lot of people. Don't be too hard on yourself!<br />
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I do think that you should find a way to leave your current boyfriend (Steve). It sounds as though that relationship is very much over. It can be hard to leave someone, even if you aren't in love with him anymore, but--from experience--I think you'll feel better once you get up the courage to do it. <br />
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Stay strong!!

The older I get the more I realize that so many people have these sorts of secrets. Don't feel bad, feel normal! (((hugs))) you'll get through it I promise