I had an affair with my boyfriend's best friend. First of all my boyfriend's name is Steve and his best friend's name is Mark. I'm going to start from the beginning.
I've known Mark for years. When we were teenagers we dated, nothing serious. Well, 20 years later I bump into Mark at a gathering and ended up meeting Steve because they were there together. When I first saw Mark after 20 years I wasn't interested in him, plus he was married at the time. However, I did show interest in his friend Steve. Steve and I got together and were happy for a couple of years. I started to fall out of love with Steve because I was feeling neglected and he kept comparing me to his ex and all she would do then I found out that he signed up with an on line dating site. Anyway, by this time Mark and his wife got a divorce. About a year after the divorce I started to feel differently about Mark. Then about a year after that we both started showing interest in each other. We ended up hanging out a lot (no sex at this point) just hanging out catching up etc. Well after he and I got to know each other again I felt very attracted to him because we have so much in common and he makes me laugh. Apparently he felt the same about me. One night when we went out I ended up spending the night at his house. We did not have sex, we just made out and went to sleep. After that incident I didn't hear from him for a week so I called him and he said he felt guilty about what happened the previous weekend. So I went over there to talk to him to let him know everything was okay and that I understood. Well, when I went to leave he grabbed me up and started kissing me and we ended up back in his room having sex. The affair went on for about 3 months. I hoped it would turn into more than an affair, that's why I let it happen in the first place. When we called it off I missed him so much and it was so hard to deal with because Steve is his friend and would talk about him from time to time and it would upset me because I was trying to get over the affair. Well, Mark and I hadn't talked for 4 months then we started hanging out again as friends no sex. Then a couple of months later I called Mark on his b-day to wish him a happy b-day. I told him that I would take him out to eat anywhere he wanted and he said that he wanted me to get take out and go to his house. So I did and we ended up having sex again. It was different this time because we didn't hang out like we used to. We would get together about once a month for sex. It bought my feelings for him back and now I'm suffering. I can't be with him like that. I have to either be his friend after I move on or his exclusive girlfriend. I'm not friends with benefits material, but I can't seem to forget him. Everything reminds me of him. In the mean time while all this is going on I've been trying to break up with Steve, but he won't let me go. I'm so sick of all this stuff. I want to be with Mark, but I don't think Mark wants to be with me since Steve is his friend. I miss Mark so much.
That's my story. It's trashy I know, but it happened and there's nothing I can do about the past. Believe me, if I could I would go back and never have had sex with him. It just feels good to get it out and write about it. I can't talk about it to anyone, because I'm a shamed of what I did and the wrong people could find out. I think that's why it's taking so long to get over it, because I can't talk to anyone about it.