Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

I Can't Let Go

Last August, my lover (of two years) and I hit our lowest point.  Things changed drastically for us when we decided it was time to take a huge step back and that was the hardest thing we ever did.  We both wound up seeing counselors and we both wound up taking meds for the depression.  Our affair killed us emotionally. 

But since that one day in August of last year, through the countless of meetings with counselors, being prescribed medication for the heartache, we still continued an on/off relationship..... until one month ago when my lover decided to shut me out completely.  Apparently he had enough. I have to, but I can't seem to let go.  I've tried to call him, txt him and email him , but he won't acknowledge me. 

I'm married.  He's single and I know he couldn't live as a part time boyfriend forever, but was shutting me out as though I never existed the way to handle it?

I want to set him free..... but why do my fingers work there way to my cell phone to try to contact him? 

Any advice out there?

crazy4polka crazy4polka 41-45, F 5 Responses Sep 14, 2009

Your Response


I am going through a similar experience, but we are both married .... he has separated. An affair of 2 yrs. My husband knows, and has chosen to try to fix what lead me to an affair and to "love me through it". I am having the same problem letting go. My husband even gave me 3 mos to be with the other man and it created a strong bond between the man and myself. The other man is very controlling .. But I like it as I've always been the one taking care of everything in my relationship with my husband. The other man is giving me ultimatums and is bipolar with his actions ...understanding/loving then berating. I stay with my husband b/c of our children and our history; we were high school sweethearts and I do love him, just not in love. I feel like were good friends. I am truly conflicted and live in a state of torment, depression and confusion. I don't want to hurt my husband but I see I am. he is like a timex watch .. Takes a licking & keeps on ticking. I feel like the stupidest, most wretched woman on the planet. It's like I know the other man would be the biggest mistake of my life, but I want it anyway. Like heading for a cliff and never touching the brakes. My husband treats me like gold ... The other man does when I'm doing what he wants otherwise its cruelty & berating b/c I stay for my children. I can't make sense out of anything. I was once a strong woman who got through anything .. But this has changed me. I'd give anything to not have gone down this road. Ive been married for 20 yrs, and he says he's understanding b/c I'm going though "the change". I too am waiting for the clouds to part and see the sun. But it comes down to a decision. If you want the other man, you have to divorce ... If your not ready, then you have to let go, go through the mourning phase and go forward. I think your lucky he stopped talking to you .. It should make it final and easy to move on. I wish the other man in my life would do that instead of keeping his finger on the pulse.

@Tam811, over a year on and I am in a very similar situation, reading this post made me realise that I'm not the only one.

In autumn 2012 I started seeing an engaged guy after meeting him on a trip away. I was in a long term (10years) relationship and also engaged.

It started as a bit of fun but I soon became addicted. I was besotted by him but not sure why, possibly because I knew I couldn’t have him so want him even more. He started planning his wedding so I did the same. Except he pulled out of his which was due Oct 2013 and canceled the lot. I couldn't do this to my fiancé, I wanted to spare him the humiliation but also in my mind my fiancé was the one I should marry.
It was the right thing to do. We married in May 2014 and the day was lovely, I hadn't really thought about the other guy. In my head after the marriage I would make a clean break (after many failed attempts). I'm sad to say it hasn't happened. I can't seem to let go. The other guy has since separated from his fiancé and living separately and wants more than what I'm able to give him.

My now husband found out about the affair and I came clean. I didn't get the reaction I wanted. He was almost thankful for me having stayed with him. I wanted him to punish me, I wanted to know what it would feel like if I were to almost loose him. Whether I would fight or not.

2 months down the road nothing has changed. My husband thinks that I've ended the affair but it's still going on. I don't know what to do. I'm constantly examining why I'm doing this. We go to marital counselling but it's early days.

To add to the background, I run a business with my husband and therefore am with him 24/7. I want the chance to go back to how it was a few years ago when I wouldn't even look at another guy.

I often ask myself, if I truly loved my husband would I be doing this to him? I'm trying to figure out what's missing. Like you my husband ill do anything for me and constantly flatters me. I’d know I’d be foolish to go with the other guy and it would be a big mistake like you said. I guess I'm looking to be told what to do. I know the next stage in my life is children and I need to make sure that it's with the right man. I don't want to bring a child into a broken relationship.

I’m interested to know what’s happened. Did you cut contact, has it worked out for you? How about you crazy4polka? What’s happened?

you have to let him go ,,,, the more you try and contact him the more he will push you away and remember its an affair , its a made up relationship , once exposed to the light of day will never last ,its not a real thing the emotions are not real and what your feeling is just a fantasy world of feelings , it really sucks because you think its reality but it isnt ,,, just let him be and go your own way , dont worry you will find another guy to have an affair with and you will have the same feelings again unless you put a end to your affairs

I like what you said regards to reality and a fantasy relationship, and I think your right. My problem is I allowed someone to control me so much I don't know how to break his grip. Like you said a made up relationship and I feel in the light of day I'd be kept in a bubble and ******** of who I am. But yet he holds power over me and I can't turn him away, like I have something to prove to him. I've lost all sense & sensibility!

figure out what this guy was giving you that is missing in your marriage, and see if the two of you can work through it

I am going through something a bit similar. I am married and had an affair for about 10 months. He was single also. The stress of it all took its toll on me and I shut the affair down. It is very recent only 2 and a half weeks and it is killing me not to pick up the phone or text. I want to but I know opening thise doors again now would be bad because we need to heal. Also, I have nothing to offer him right now. I am not leaving my husband (at least not right now) and it couldnt go on the way it was. <br />
What I see from your story is that he is knows he cant go on the way it was/it without more. He doesnt wnat to start it up again because he is in the helaing process and is trying to be strong. That doesnt mean he doesnt feel for you. It hurts when you dont know why or you cant talk it through, I know, but he might need more than what you can give him. <br />
Do you love your husband, why do you stay?

You say you are married but dont say how that relationship have been seeing counselors so would have been probably asked to look at why you would be running away from your primary relationship....and what fears and guilt you would be carrying to be still looking for something or someone outside of your husband and yourself to fulfill the emptiness you must be still feeling for you to be still be emotionally clinging to your past lover...(this is false and will always be so because the motivation that drives it cannot be fulfilled by physical presence no matter how good they are with companionship or sexual techniques... <br />
<br />
This is a problem that can only be fixed by fixing the emptiness inside...the lack of love self esteem self image and self acceptance is at its core and therapy addressing these can be a great help but you have to be ready to change before any advice and or assistance can help...<br />
<br />
My 2 cents.. :) Your freedom and happiness lie within you not with him...