What To Do Now? - An Affair Means My Marriage Has Issues

     Ok so - I have been married 10 years.  Not such a bad relationship, but certainly not really close.  For a very many years it has been more like we have been flatmates who happen to share a bed (we barely touch) and a child.  My daughter is 6.


   Recently I became really close friends with a co worker - and this turned into an extremely emotional short term affair.  I say emotional because we had sex twice - kissed not that many times - and did actually attempt to not be closer than appropriate.

   So that affair is over because neither of us want to be in a relationship like that.

My problem now is - I barely have a relationship with my wife - though I think she still loves me.  She knows I am distant, but I haven't spoken about it besides allowing her to be extremely aware I am very stressed in my life.

   I want to separate but know that this will devastate my wife, cause me no end of financial and emotional grief, cause problems for my daughter - cause financial pain for my wife (who works rarely).

  Had we not had a child - I would leave, leave her with the house and all our assets because none of this is her fault.  She has a hard time dealing with my daughter.  I would take my daughter but out of principle my wife would hate that - and her parents would intervene and it would get real messy.  We have a house we can barely afford - and its in a half state of renovation so selling it is kinda out of the question.  We also have 1 car and 1 motorcycle - and if I leave I would leave the car - but this would leave me with no options for transporting my daughter.

     I can't afford to keep the house and pay for rent for the time (and money) it takes to sell and renovate.


1. What do I do?  Do I tell my wife now and be honest and upfront?  Do I tell her I had an affair even though that is merely a symptom of the problem - and would hurt her greatly?  How do I allow myself some sort of happiness, and yet make sure my wife is not left to pick up the pieces.



terriblysilly terriblysilly
36-40, M
4 Responses Feb 19, 2010

Dosn't sound like it was a smart time to start up an affair with all you have going on.

and i'd liek to add... i lost it all finalcially too due to my divorce... same thing. lack of intimacy. only difference is, i wanted us to get councillign and he didnt. after YEARS of misery, i fianlyl left him. it is hard. but the alternative if worse. dont stay for the comfort. try to work things out, be honest, and hopefully it works but if it doesn't... at least you can concentrate on finding a relationship that won't require an emotional and sexual (albeit only twice) affair... hiopfully that with your partner now... but if it isnt.... there still hope. <br />
dont keep it secret. secrets only lead to more trouble down the road. own up to it ... be a man ... pony up, face to piper, and work on saving your relationshiop.<br />
i dontmean to sound mean or harmful....<br />
secrets are never the way and affairs are neither.

You need to tell her. It will most likely end your relationship and if it does not then it lead to years and years of therapy. but, the alternative is she may possibley one day find out, from "her" <br />
I was one such "her". after months of begging my lover to tell hi wife about us.... i fonally told her. because she asked and because he didn't. <br />
you're already ina miserable relationsip, if you are seeking other for the emotional intimacy your partner is supposed to give you then there is something drastically wrong! <br />
tell her. <br />
don't be together or not tell her for the sake of the kid either. my parents divirced over an affair. trust me, there are ways to raise a child together but apart. altho, that may not happen. you may work this out. <br />
until you come clean, and address these issues in you relationship...you won't be happy. you'll seek that emotional intimacy from sumbody other then your wife. and you will lip up again. <br />
if you had never had sex, i would suggest simply gettign councilling. but you did have sex. so this is much much deepr then just forgetting, it has to be dealt with.<br />
all i can say is good luck! take care! and i'll be hoping you two can build from this. but to be honest, this may be a sign to spli up and raise the child together but separated.

Please understand that this is not uncommon and that there is no sound reason to announce this affair to your wife since it was for all intents and purpose rather a dalliance of short duration and not a long lasting involved affair. To admit this to your wife will neither help your failing marriage and most certainly create problems of a larger magnitude.<br />
<br />
Do not beat yourself up on this issue. Your marriage will because of financial circumstances and your six year old child become like so many others here merely one of accommodation and acceptance. Learn to accept that fact.<br />
<br />
Continue in this mode until such a time that finacial circumstamces will allow you latitudfe in making other decisions to resolve this sitation. You have few solutions at your disposal now that will do nothing but compound your lives.<br />
<br />
I have used affairs for years for solace away from an unhappy marriage and if done discretely and carefully handled can actually keep marriages benign and without contentiousness. Your child must remain a prime concern for you and guilt over this minor dalliance should be put aside.<br />
<br />
I wish you the best in this and can tell you that I know full well what you have and are going through. Bear up and be string and remain responsible as the father of that child.