I Had An Affair, I Dont Feel Bad, But I Cant Walk Away From My Safe Zone

I am 25 years old.  I have been with my husband since I was 17. (8 years)  We have been married for 1 year and 4 months.  I love my Husband BUT I don't feel In Love with him anymore.

Like most we have had our rough patches but they were primarily my Husband going through the "I don't know what I want" phase, meanwhile I made my very existence revolve around my relationship.  All I wanted was him, to marry him, and be happy.  Like most women I latched on to those thoughts and made that my existence.  Not to mention that my husband is a big kid, which I knew going in to this,  I guess I thought that I could eventually get over it and that he would mature up.  When he finally felt ready to get married I was so excited because that was of course the next step in our relationship.  Since we have been married, all the things that I have always had an issue with became more and more unbearable.  These things arent the worst but I just dont feel liek its worth my effort to deal with it anymore. I'm not happy and I have reached the end.

Not many things about my husband bother me. I know that no one is perfect but I just cant deal with the things that do bother me.  Perhaps I should tell a little about him.  He is an abosolutly wonderful man.  Not a mean bone in his body.  He is very passive, quite until you get to know him.  He loves me unconditionally.  But he can be very immature. He walks and talks like he is 10 years old and it doesnt seem to matter the situation, he still acts this way. His communication is awful (there almost isnt any ) always has been and its not just him.  His whole family is this way.  At this point he should be able to think on his own and be able to openly discuss with me without me digging.   In this sense we are complete opposite and it is now clashing more than ever. 

Like most, Finances are a big issue.  We are in debt and My job hours flucuate so it makes it difficult for me to get another job, not to mention I hate my Job yet I don't know what it is I want to do with my life.  I have talked to him till I am blue in the face about how I am willing if I can find something to work my butt off adn get more hours to help and that I think he should too but all I get from him is silence. I needed to hear him say that He will make the effort too.  On top of our normal bills and credit debt we pay a crazy amount for his student loans each month.   Its like talking to a wall  And when I do get a responce to any discussion or argument its as if he is only saying what I want to hear in an attempt to avoid the discussion and situation.  I dont want to have fights but I wanted to at least deal with issues together.     

I think my feelings really came to head when we spent our 1st wedding anniversary with his family. I have always wanted to celebrate tehse thigns but we never had  but this was our FIRST wedding.  SEriously!!!  PLus he has alot of learning to do intimately.  HE just doesnt get things.

Like most we have had our rough patches but they were primarily my Husband going through the "I don't know what I want" phase all prior to our getting married, meanwhile I made my very existence revolve around my relationship.  From the time I was in Highschoool untill recently All I wanted was him, to marry him, and be happy.  Like most women I latched on to those thoughts and made that my existence.  Not to mention that my husband is a big kid, which I knew going in to this,  I guess I thought that I could eventually get over it and he would mature and act like an adult with out prompting. When he finally felt ready to get married I was so excited because that was of course the next step in our relationship.  Since we have been married, all the things that I have always had an issue with became more and more unbearable.  These things arent the worst but I just dont feel liek its worth my effort to deal with it anymore.  I realize that I have allowed thigns to be the way they are for so long so i am partially to blame.

I very recently began a week long physical affair with another man. When I was with him he took the time to be about me.  We connected on a much more mature level, the level I have been hoping for for some time.   I have known this man for 3 months and it wasn't until the last week he was here that we became physical.  We spoke many times  prior to this and I had thoughts of being with him but i didnt know how mutual it was. I never imagined that I would discover feelings for someone else.  I mean I am married after all.  I never approved of affairs but I would be supportive of any of my friends that find themselves in those situations.  After all, Crap happens, we are all human and mistakes need to be made.  Thing is I dont look at my affair as a Mistake.  I see it as a sign that I need something different and someone different.  Whether it is a new life with my mystery man or someone else.  This experience made me feel hopeful for my self and my future, that there is someone else that I can be compatable and not feel like I settled. I just dont feel the connection with my husband romantically anymore.  I love him and always will but this feels like friend love now.

I feel that while I was so caught up with the ideals of meeting the  perfect sweet man, money doesnt matter as long as we have eachother concept that I Lost My Self.  I want to be able to be self sufficient and not have to rely on my husband to get bills paid, while at the same time, call me traditional, it would be great to be with someone who I know will be able to support me.  None of which is happening, has heppened  in the last 8 years.  There has been no drive.  MY Mystery man acts like a man, talks like a man, and is stable.  He makes me feel hopefull.  I feel like allowing myself to get involved has been a sign and reiterated to me that I do have feelings that I can't ignore any longer.

I have not told my husband about my affair, nor do I plan too, at least not now.  It is hurting him enough to know what I have told him.   I did tell my husband about all my other feelings.  I just couldnt hold it in any longer.  AFter  working one morning and not coming home till the evenign I knew that I needed to tell him somethign.  AFter all he deserves to know and knew something was up because I had been distant and finding reasons to stick around work.  I told him that I dont know what my love for him means anymore.  That I need more stability.  I need to be happy with my self.  I need friends.  Due to hours at work and things I have not had a relationship with what few freinds I have where we live.  I sleep, go to work and sit at home.  Thats it.  I need a life.  It told him that I am now in the same position that he was in years ago when he didnt know what he wanted out of life.  He is tryign so hard to understand and make changes but he is forcing things.  We had a recent talk and i told him that he wants me to give him answers that I don thave.  I know it is not fair but I cant tell him somehthing that I dont know.  I dont know if I will be willing to move with him any where, I dont know if I am going to love him again.   I dont want to rush into a divorce just to find that I really and need him but 8 years is a long time to undo.  Basically I think I have jsut grown apart from him.  It happens right?  Isnt that Ok.  I know I made a commitment but doesnt my happiness mean something.  I can''t keep living my life for someone else nor can I keep living in a marriage where I feel like my husband is just too different from me.  I love him, I love his family but Love isnt always enough.  I want to go out and have fun.  I am only 25, I feel trapped and I have done it to my self.  I don't feel bad for my affiar, It was exhilirating. I do feel bad that I am causing pain, no one wants to be hurt in a relationship.

I hope that with writing this someone will understand how I feel and be able to offer some insight to myself.   I know what I feel but i also know that I am in a comfort zone with my husband and it is hard to break loose.  He has been trying these last couple of week, but he is tryign so hard like he is tryign to create situations to work on, and do things to win me back but you can't force things.  I just need no pressure and be able to exist and figure me out before I can focus on us.  I dont want to just give up the last 8 years but I truely feel like i have reached my end with us and I am content with that.  Isnt that a sign that I need to walk away......

betruetome betruetome
22-25, F
10 Responses Feb 28, 2010

Nobody forced you to get married just like nobody forced you to cheat. Sleeping with another man is a mistake you knew you had feelings for this guy before you slept with him. You were already in an emotional affair. Falling for another man wasn't the mistake pursuing it not addressing the issues with your husband and your indifference to anybody else's happiness is.

I had the same situation like u..im 23..6 years together and 2 years married...my husband is as childish as yours...but he takes care of me as an angel and he loves me more than anyone else does...if you cant make your first marriage work out,how sure are you that you will in your second one??Dont rush into a divorce.Think wisely.Talk to him and settle things out. Your affair cant be a saint as his ruining your marriage.How sure are you that he will not leave you for another married woman after both of you get married??There are worse situations than yours girl...Im sure communication and honesty is the best medicine for your relationship...As a wife,take the responsibility of changing your husband and making him understand what marriage is.Be the woman behind his joy!You're not sure of what you want..so please dont rush and make the wrong choice....!Your husband is not a drug addict,not an alcoholic,not a womaniser and his not cheating on you...he loves you and is comfortable by acting like a child to you...whatever has happened has happened..you cant change it...just pray hard...its all in your hands...God bless.

I love how everyone has an opinion. I too, thought I would never have an affair, but something just happened. I am realistic, I am not going to marry my lover. But the time we have together is so nice, so peaceful. I will never tell my spouse about my affair. My lover and I both agree that we would not leave our families. It is a "bonus" in our lives. Quite frankly, I would not suggest this type of relationships for anyone, I did not think 21 years ago, when I got married that I would do this. However, life changes, people change and things happen.

This is a passive aggressive husband with this disorder which also there is Narcissim in there. Get out before you have kids, before he sucks you emotionally dry and before you become dependent. Go back to college and stand on your own two feet! Separate immediately and get into conseling! These men and women types are psychological killers! Run now!

I would like to tell you dear that I could have written your post over 30 years ago. Shame on me!<br />
<br />
I have stuck it out. I stuffed my wants and needs because I believed in Marriage and the idea of commitment. <br />
<br />
What happened over my lifetime, I will never be able to change. What I would say to you is this..........<br />
<br />
You (like me) married for the wrong reasons. You married to young. Something stopped you from being able to put yourself out there in the dating world as a mature adult. You my darling, were not mature or you would not have settled to marry this "boy."<br />
<br />
The "boy" that I married professed to stay a boy for as long as he could. Even 3 children later, he did not wake up and grow up. He was negative, uncommunicative, lazy, self righteous and a bore.<br />
<br />
What woke him up? I was having an affair when he decided to snoop in my purse and found evidence. After he tried his "italian kiss of death" trick and nearly broke my neck with a kiss........yeah....nice huh......<br />
<br />
He went into a deep downward spiral of clinical depression that was the end of my "love" for him. He was not above doing what ever he needed to regain control.<br />
<br />
I have since lost my good paying job in a rather strange way. I chose to take a seperation of service to take care of my 3 teens while their father was timed out in his own madness.<br />
<br />
I am still involved with my affair person and I will not give him up. He has been there for me and a salvation.<br />
<br />
A divorce? Hell yeah.......why have I not done it............because I am married to a "boy."<br />
<br />
Fire away people......this is a short version of the humiliation, degrading, loveless life I have lived all because I married a boy...........<br />
<br />

No need to fire away as a former therapist I can tell from reading this that you already know how pathetic you are.

You girls are crazy he told you right from the gate who he was you stayed your fault no sympathy for a dumb slot rude but honest unlike you.

Oh my husband took ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY for his actons...but he is not a horrible person for doing this, he made a mistake..& i forgive him..& yes this was all his fault, but i didnt help the situation by not being there and supporting him like a wife should not giving the attention that this girl obviously was giving him, he consoled to her about our problems and he let her in..cuz she clamed to be "gay" so he thought it was ok... but hes learned from this & knows to never let a girl in again...& there are girls like that homewreaker that take advantage of ppl in that state of mind....So yes the girl is a homewreaker that didnt give a **** he was married and just wanted some ****, she was also military.

Betruetome, please don’t take this the wrong way, but from the way you’ve explained the story I think 1 or 2 things must be.<br />
1. Your a nymphomaniac and your husband is a saint. Or..<br />
2. More things went on in your marriage that your not telling. (I did the same, keeping much stuff from public consumption)<br />
My divorce became final after 34 years of marriage and I didn’t want to tell anyone what I felt were problems in our marriage. She was the mother of my children and a very good partner for many years. I had and still have no desire to demonize her. We simply fell out of love for many and various reasons and that’s it. There were affairs on both sides, yet an affair would never have caused me to divorce her. Still, even to this day, I have to say, it does no good trashing her even on a site like this. <br />
Said all that to say this. <br />
It’s sad that people read stories such as yours and then come down on you and others as if their marriage was the same as yours, yet in reading their diatribe it’s obvious that they are simply telling one side of the story.<br />
While they have a right to write anything they choose, we too have a right to see that all they say is tainted by bitterness all the time choosing to make their “cheating” spouses out to be the evil one while making themselves out to be a saint with sparkling halos!<br />
Bullshit!<br />
Betruetome, while I neither condemn or condone your actions, I hope that you don’t allow others to make you feel bad. YOU AND ONLY YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR MARRIAGE WAS..........AND WHAT IT WASN’T.<br />
I too am one that never felt bad over an affair, and while I won’t beat my former spouse as the bad person who drove me to do what I had done, I won’t feel bad about it because anyone that has any sense at all knows it’s not all one sided. Just because you don’t trash the other person doesn’t mean that your all at fault.<br />
It’s your life and you have a right to be happy, so if your marriage is a mistake our constitution gives you the right to change it.<br />
What I say, I do not say flippantly!<br />
I’m just tired of people like joesheart making blanket statements such as, <br />
“Confess to your housband and take all the blame and responsibility so he doesn't go through living hell blaming and doughting himself”<br />
Bullshit!<br />
“Give him anything and everything he wants”<br />
Bullshit!<br />
“This is no mistake. This is deliberate and planned”<br />
Bullshit! Who knows but you and you didn’t say!<br />
“This country has gone to hell because nobody is responsable or accountable to their spouces and justify the wrongs they commit.
Maybe some day your son or daughter will have thier spouse ******* someone else.”<br />
Bullshit!<br />
I doubt that this great Country will ever go to hell over affairs......that is what this experience was about!<br />
More than likely if this great Country should come to ruin it will be by ignorant, small minded, close minded, blinded by their own estimation of themselves people like joesheart!<br />
People making statements about your children getting ****** and having some type of **** up in their own marriages.........<br />
Bullshit!<br />
Before any of you come back at me with Joe’s next comment trying to half *** take back his comment about Betruetome’s children you should read everything he has said (all of his stories, not just this one).<br />
Later in the next comment he goes on to say, “Part of my soul and sense of self has died, the wonder and simple pleasure we take for granted is gone. It has effected my relationship my son because inside part of me has died and each day is a struggle to just exist.”<br />
Ok, here is his words concerning his own son.<br />
READ IT....... IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM!<br />
Not his son!<br />
My first concern when my marriage was in the broken beyond repair and D.N.R. (Do Not Resuscitate) stage, was my children, grandchildren and our parents (hers and my own).<br />
It’s no wonder Joe wrote such a unredeemable piece of ****! <br />
Bullshit!<br />
Wow.....sorry so long, I just can’t stand people who can take 1+0= and make it come out wrong!<br />
<br />
And, Graham31, I feel quite hesitant about calling you out because of you and your husband’s sacrifice to this great country by way of military service, but that’s what he and thousands of others have done for many many years. Fought for the right of freedom of speech as well as all other freedoms we enjoy.<br />
You said “That girl is a homewreaker”.<br />
I’m sorry.......BULLSHIT!<br />
First you are in complete disagreement with Joe.<br />
He blames people like you and your husband for the ills of America,(Not me, him! I don’t feel that way) by not taking responsibility.<br />
<br />
Second, why do we have to have anyone to blame it on?<br />
Where is your anger and condemnation on your husband who was at least 50% of the problem?<br />
Where is your PUBLIC outrage?<br />
I think it’s bullshit to blame others when it can’t happen without 2 consenting adults.....unless it was rape!<br />
And I still to this day find it quite hard to believe that a woman can rape a man!<br />
That’s just me though!<br />
Betruetome, I hope I didn’t offend you with my soap box speech!

I agree with joesheart on some level about how cheating will make you feel, because i am still myself and i can trust my husband & dont spend every waking moment in shock and worried he will do it again...My husband did cheat, but it was not an affair, it was a one time mistake with a girl that took advantage of him at a party, were seperated he is in the military and i was not being there for him like i should have been...That girl is a homewreaker just like this man your having your affair with....I beleive if you wont having sex he would leave you....Sound to me like your mind is made up, and you need to divorce him and stop beating around the bush he deserves better then that bc hes not a bad guy you just dont feel the same about him...

Hi, I've been where you are...a loveless relationsip ... only the lack of intimacy was also on an eotional, physical, spiritual AND sexual levels. <br />
I didnt cath while reading...have either og you gone for councilling? marriage as well as alone? if not, i agree with your statement that you shouldnt rush into a divorce, but you should try councilling. you don't marry to get divorced. you can fall outta love, but why not try councilling and see if that helps? <br />
as for keeping it secret you are doing more harm then good. you need to coem clean. it is hard, trust me i know, and you do stand to lose it all but you're thinkign of leaving him anyways so whats the worst ...he tells you to go and you were already consideing it. <br />
confessing it to him will help you hopefully patch things up or will give you the push you need to leave. <br />
but plese give your marriage achance and try all options to save it before you leave. and by options i mean concilling for you both as a couple and as indiviuals. <br />
even if this destroys him.... honey... the secret will come out eventually. wouldnt you rather it come from you, then sumbody else?

Thank you for your story. I think you have it right, you are not a bad person, you are human. You are also capable of loving more than one person too. I wish you well in every part of your life!