I Had An Affair
I Had An Affair, I Dont Feel Bad, But I Cant Walk Away From My Safe Zone
I am 25 years old. I have been with my husband since I was 17. (8 years) We have been married for 1 year and 4 months. I love my Husband BUT I don't feel In Love with him anymore.
Like most we have had our rough patches but they were primarily my Husband going through the "I don't know what I want" phase, meanwhile I made my very existence revolve around my relationship. All I wanted was him, to marry him, and be happy. Like most women I latched on to those thoughts and made that my existence. Not to mention that my husband is a big kid, which I knew going in to this, I guess I thought that I could eventually get over it and that he would mature up. When he finally felt ready to get married I was so excited because that was of course the next step in our relationship. Since we have been married, all the things that I have always had an issue with became more and more unbearable. These things arent the worst but I just dont feel liek its worth my effort to deal with it anymore. I'm not happy and I have reached the end.
Not many things about my husband bother me. I know that no one is perfect but I just cant deal with the things that do bother me. Perhaps I should tell a little about him. He is an abosolutly wonderful man. Not a mean bone in his body. He is very passive, quite until you get to know him. He loves me unconditionally. But he can be very immature. He walks and talks like he is 10 years old and it doesnt seem to matter the situation, he still acts this way. His communication is awful (there almost isnt any ) always has been and its not just him. His whole family is this way. At this point he should be able to think on his own and be able to openly discuss with me without me digging. In this sense we are complete opposite and it is now clashing more than ever.
Like most, Finances are a big issue. We are in debt and My job hours flucuate so it makes it difficult for me to get another job, not to mention I hate my Job yet I don't know what it is I want to do with my life. I have talked to him till I am blue in the face about how I am willing if I can find something to work my butt off adn get more hours to help and that I think he should too but all I get from him is silence. I needed to hear him say that He will make the effort too. On top of our normal bills and credit debt we pay a crazy amount for his student loans each month. Its like talking to a wall And when I do get a responce to any discussion or argument its as if he is only saying what I want to hear in an attempt to avoid the discussion and situation. I dont want to have fights but I wanted to at least deal with issues together.
I think my feelings really came to head when we spent our 1st wedding anniversary with his family. I have always wanted to celebrate tehse thigns but we never had but this was our FIRST wedding. SEriously!!! PLus he has alot of learning to do intimately. HE just doesnt get things.
Like most we have had our rough patches but they were primarily my Husband going through the "I don't know what I want" phase all prior to our getting married, meanwhile I made my very existence revolve around my relationship. From the time I was in Highschoool untill recently All I wanted was him, to marry him, and be happy. Like most women I latched on to those thoughts and made that my existence. Not to mention that my husband is a big kid, which I knew going in to this, I guess I thought that I could eventually get over it and he would mature and act like an adult with out prompting. When he finally felt ready to get married I was so excited because that was of course the next step in our relationship. Since we have been married, all the things that I have always had an issue with became more and more unbearable. These things arent the worst but I just dont feel liek its worth my effort to deal with it anymore. I realize that I have allowed thigns to be the way they are for so long so i am partially to blame.
I very recently began a week long physical affair with another man. When I was with him he took the time to be about me. We connected on a much more mature level, the level I have been hoping for for some time. I have known this man for 3 months and it wasn't until the last week he was here that we became physical. We spoke many times prior to this and I had thoughts of being with him but i didnt know how mutual it was. I never imagined that I would discover feelings for someone else. I mean I am married after all. I never approved of affairs but I would be supportive of any of my friends that find themselves in those situations. After all, Crap happens, we are all human and mistakes need to be made. Thing is I dont look at my affair as a Mistake. I see it as a sign that I need something different and someone different. Whether it is a new life with my mystery man or someone else. This experience made me feel hopeful for my self and my future, that there is someone else that I can be compatable and not feel like I settled. I just dont feel the connection with my husband romantically anymore. I love him and always will but this feels like friend love now.
I feel that while I was so caught up with the ideals of meeting the perfect sweet man, money doesnt matter as long as we have eachother concept that I Lost My Self. I want to be able to be self sufficient and not have to rely on my husband to get bills paid, while at the same time, call me traditional, it would be great to be with someone who I know will be able to support me. None of which is happening, has heppened in the last 8 years. There has been no drive. MY Mystery man acts like a man, talks like a man, and is stable. He makes me feel hopefull. I feel like allowing myself to get involved has been a sign and reiterated to me that I do have feelings that I can't ignore any longer.
I have not told my husband about my affair, nor do I plan too, at least not now. It is hurting him enough to know what I have told him. I did tell my husband about all my other feelings. I just couldnt hold it in any longer. AFter working one morning and not coming home till the evenign I knew that I needed to tell him somethign. AFter all he deserves to know and knew something was up because I had been distant and finding reasons to stick around work. I told him that I dont know what my love for him means anymore. That I need more stability. I need to be happy with my self. I need friends. Due to hours at work and things I have not had a relationship with what few freinds I have where we live. I sleep, go to work and sit at home. Thats it. I need a life. It told him that I am now in the same position that he was in years ago when he didnt know what he wanted out of life. He is tryign so hard to understand and make changes but he is forcing things. We had a recent talk and i told him that he wants me to give him answers that I don thave. I know it is not fair but I cant tell him somehthing that I dont know. I dont know if I will be willing to move with him any where, I dont know if I am going to love him again. I dont want to rush into a divorce just to find that I really and need him but 8 years is a long time to undo. Basically I think I have jsut grown apart from him. It happens right? Isnt that Ok. I know I made a commitment but doesnt my happiness mean something. I can''t keep living my life for someone else nor can I keep living in a marriage where I feel like my husband is just too different from me. I love him, I love his family but Love isnt always enough. I want to go out and have fun. I am only 25, I feel trapped and I have done it to my self. I don't feel bad for my affiar, It was exhilirating. I do feel bad that I am causing pain, no one wants to be hurt in a relationship.
I hope that with writing this someone will understand how I feel and be able to offer some insight to myself. I know what I feel but i also know that I am in a comfort zone with my husband and it is hard to break loose. He has been trying these last couple of week, but he is tryign so hard like he is tryign to create situations to work on, and do things to win me back but you can't force things. I just need no pressure and be able to exist and figure me out before I can focus on us. I dont want to just give up the last 8 years but I truely feel like i have reached my end with us and I am content with that. Isnt that a sign that I need to walk away......
