Affair For Most Of My Twenties. Grief Stricken Without Him.

So.. I meet a nice boy at Uni at 18yrs old and he becomes 'the one' I have been with for the last 11 years. Somehow.   

At 21 I met another man, and god knows why I didnt act when I could - when I should have.  We worked closely together and for 7/8 years we never strayed. Physically. Clearly the emotional affair had been going on all the time. I left the job after 3 years but ended up going back. I was so excited to see him. I still didnt really think about what was happening. Eventually the physical affair started - the beginning of the end.  We stopped being careful we wanted people to find out I suppose, neither having the courage to do the deed on our partners. Or at least have the decency to tell them. 

I built some kind of family with my partner you see, , due to deaths in my family I hold my sibblings very dear.  Sometimes when they are both under my roof sleeping,  and my partner asleep and me in the kitchen in the mornin I feel content, as though I have build something that gives love and stability to them, but we are all growing up and they dont really need me anymore- maybe they never really did.

I stayed, because when I thought of my partner being alone at Christmas instead of around me and my sis and my brother all hanging out it broke my heart. They are all my family you see, my partner too.  My only real family.

So, I didnt go with you.  My Daniel.  I didnt go when you asked me and I know that in every moment of the six years my every word and action told you I would go with you.  I didnt go. 

Last night I dreamed that you wanted me to meet you in Paris, and I decided to go. When I got to the station for a train they cost £1000 and I couldnt afford to go.   I just couldnt afford to Dan and oh god I miss you and I'm so damn lonely without you. Nearly as lonely as I was before I met you.

2 years now since I last saw you, and I grieve for you profoundly. Mostly because you are not a ghost, you are flesh and blood that I could reach out and touch, if only I were brave. If only I had been brave.

Everyday I walk home from work knowing there are no surprises left in life for me. I keep thinking I may bump into you. I know If I did, I would have to keep walking because my choices have all been made. My partner deserves better, we all deserve better, but I walk in the quiet places and everyone else seems to be asleep and I've no one to talk to anymore.