From Everyday To Never Again

For about 4 years bulimia was my best friend. It was made me feel happy when I felt sad, pretty when I felt ugly, and calm when I felt out of control. It was all I thought about and for the majority of that time, all I cared about. It took over my life faster than I thought it would and even though sometimes now I get to urge to go back I know deep down I never want to be that girl again.

My weight has been my obsession for as long as I can remember. "Plump" when I was little, "chubby" when I was a kid, and "overweight" when I started to grow up. I was never a thin girl. No matter what word people used they all meant the same thing to me: fat, not good enough, gross. When I was around 13 years old I had finally had enough of it. I was too young to take dieting seriously and not eating at all was too hard; I had tried. So the only reasonable solution in my mind at the time was to make myself throw up. It started as innocently as that. All I wanted to do was lose weight. I'd come home from school eat lunch, throw up. Do whatever else I had to do that day, eat dinner, throw up. For my entire eighth grade year I was doing it no more then twice a day and for no other reason then to lose weight. It wasn't until my freshman year that things got different.

I entered high school thinner and prettier. Even today people will tell me I "got pretty" my freshman year. I was still throwing up no more then twice a day and so in my mind I thought I had everything under control. That year though my life completely changed and so along with that so did my "control" over my bulimia. My family life was going down the drain due to financial troubles and my parents divorce and I was struggling with friendships as well. I was a wreck. I still to this day can't explain how and why something like throwing up became my place of euphoria that year. It made my head feel more clear and my skin tingle. I felt as if along with the food I was getting rid of my anger and my sadness. I absolutely loved it. Because of the incredible feeling it never failed to bring to me twice a day turned into four and sometimes five. It became all I'd think about and all I wanted to do.

The four and five times a day continued for the rest of my freshman year, carried over to sophomore, and eventually went down to three by the time I was a junior. My life had come together again and so I guess at that point it was more of a "bad habit". I didn't remember how to sleep with a full stomach and I was never sure what to do with myself if I didn't throw up after breakfast and lunch. I still used it as a way to make myself stay thin but it had become so much more then that. It had become a way of life, it was all I knew. But I wanted to stop.

One morning I woke up to the most intense abdominal pain I'd ever experienced. I was spitting blood and I could barely stand. I was terrified. I stayed home from school that day after playing it off to my mom as a simple upset stomach. I lied in the fetal position in bed all day thinking why I was doing this to myself. Why was I putting my body through this?? The usual voices that whispered "you need to be thin, you need to be sane" weren't as convincing as they had been. It was that day I went from kind of wanting to stop to knowing I HAD to stop. And that realization hit me hard.

I didn't quit through rehab because I was always afraid to tell my mom. She was bulimic in high school and her disappointment would have killed me. I quit with the help of some very caring, amazing friends and the thought that never left my mind that morning: you will die. Learning how to live my life without throwing up everything that went into my mouth was extremely hard and of course I had my days where I'd do it just once. But now, almost 18 years old, I can honestly say I haven't made myself throw up a thing in months. I've learned to handle my emotions in different way and handle my body image issues like a normal person. I can say in confidence I'm happier now then I ever was then. I always thought throwing up was the most amazing feeling I could have. I know now having the power to not throw up feels a million times better.
SarahJune SarahJune
18-21, F
Jun 26, 2011