Just Need to Get It of My Chest

my life revolved around food.

i dont know which came first. the lack of self esteem, the depression or the obsession with food.

at the moment i am having horrible thoughts that, although i love her very much, my mum unknowingly started the snowball. she has always been thin, because she never eats anything, and (because we moved houses alot) she was my role model. i had always thought the amount we ate was normal. things only started to turn bad when i settled into secondary school. i realized i was the thinnest in my class and many of them complimented me on that. i'l just go on a tangent here; but i'm wondering if people can back me up when i say- people pointing out to you are thin actually makes the eating disorder worse even if they're trying to make you feel better.

anyway, because of my already small diet; controling what i ate came easy to me. this doesnt meen i didnt eat though, i was just very aware of every piece of food i'd eat. it got to the point that dinner was all i ate because it was the only meal when my parents where with me. and i'd usually leave some of that, giving the normal excuses. as i said before, i'm a bit hazy on when the depression took over me, all i know is at that point i was in a very dark place. i'll be honest with you, i missed out on what could have been a great childhood and through-out i never even noticed what i was missing. i was too wrapped up in my own head. i used to eat chewing gum nearly all the time because excess stomach acid caused my breath to smell. in the end the pain in my stomach would bring me to my knees crying. and in school the symtoms of my depression must have been obvious. i still dont understand why nobody helped.

anyway, last summer was a revolation, there was so much change and so many good things happening that for the first time ever i started eating healthily, and i was happy.

in the last month and a bit i have gone from a size six to a size ten . each day my food consuption was getting more and more and, although at first i was not bothered i was just happy to be happy, my increasing weight slowly dawned on me.  i dont know what triggered the realitation. i also started purging, something i've never done before (thats how much i began to eat).

but today i was out shopping and my mum pursuaded me to get some advise on my belly peircing which has become infected. i had to show her my stomach and it was at that point the switch was flicked. it may sound stupid to some people but it was as if my heart broke. now i'm older and have more understanding i know i will never fall into the depression again. but i cant see my life without the constant thought of weight and food, and although i'm in control of my self now, it can be so hard sometimes.

it feels good to write this all down. i think it'l be my first and last i'll bother anybody about it, but i feel a bit better now. thank you.

Apple2009 Apple2009
18-21
1 Response Feb 18, 2009

i can relate to so much of what you said. i know what you mean, about staying in control and how hard it can be sometimes. there are good days and rough days. it's an ongoing thing, i think--even though we may not actually behave the same as we did, we always have to work to stay in control of ourselves.<br />
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thank you for sharing your story!