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Ego Death: Infinite Reincarnation

I found it quite interesting that there are NO ego death experiences on here. So I thought I would share my story. This was actually the reason I had created the account in the first place.

It was just a regular weekend...though I figured I would spice it up a bit and party with friends. My boyfriend had decided to go out and buy 7H- synthetic weed from a gas station. We had been smoking other stuff like the 7H, so I wasn't too worried. The other stuff was never strong anyways and I would end up smoking a lot to get maybe a wee bit high.

-Background-
I have never been an addict and when I smoke, it is irregularly and maybe a few times a year. I'm a young mom of 2 children and they were away for the weekend. Just a regular person worrying about what tomorrow will bring.

-Before Party-
I had decided to go ahead and smoke the 7H before everyone got to the house to party. I took about 7 hits and it had hit me pretty fast, just like a regular high and of course, I had started laughing my *** off.

When we walked back into the house, I walked into the kitchen because I didn't think I could be around the friends that were already there in the livingroom. Finally, I had pulled myself together a little and was able to walk in there and sit on the couch.

-Experience-
As I'm sitting on the couch, looking at the tv, not paying any attention to it at all. I started noticing this beat, this pattern or rhythm. Then it hit me full force. Deja Vu, full force. I had immediately remembered that I dreamed of this exact thing happening only 2 nights before.

Then I started to panic on the inside. Of course I was stoned out of my mind. My brain was racing at impossible speeds. (NOTE: I have checked my BP while on 7H and nothing changed other than my heart rate and it had gotten up to 150)

The rhythm and beat that I was following in my mind...maybe it was my heart beat? But it was perfect beat. I was then in a trance. My mind was clear and I was following this random beat. The room had a yellow tint to it and onward came the tunnel vision...until there was nothing.

I had lost my sense to see. To move. To speak. The whole time I was still scared. I could hear, I could feel somewhat, and my brain active, I could hear and understand everything going on around me.

-My friends point of view-
They didn't notice anything was wrong until I had fallen out of the chair. Once I lost those senses. "Hey, Hey, Are you okay?" They were talking to me. I was saying YES...but it wouldn't come out of my mouth. They had picked my body up and sat it on the couch. I couldn't move, which is why I had fallen to begin with. But could definitely feel them picking me up. (This wasn't a real death, I was breathing the entire time)

-Experience-
"Hey, Hey, Are you okay?" < That just made the beat more rapid. And forced me to lose all of my senses, until it was nothing. A black nothing. Empty. But my brain was still working. Full force, my reaction...'What is this place?' 'I want to see my kids.' 'I want to go back.'

Then a light appeared out of the 'black nothing' I'm floating towards the light, or it is pulling me towards it. As I get closer, the black becomes space. It was no longer black, but the colors mixed with black blue and purple. The light continued to pull me in. Until I was right in front of it. A screen, black and white, and was showing my body on the couch and my friends surrounding me. ( I thought I had died)

It was a lot to take in...'DID I REALLY JUST DIE?' Then...this is where the experience begins. It starts to rewind through my life. And once it had gotten to the beginning of my life and I had thought it was over. I was an old man and it started rewinding through that life and it did it over and over and OVER again. It was an infinite amount of lives flashing before my eyes...I was getting pissed because it started speeding up and would NOT stop. I was so curious of my other lives.

Then exhaustion came. I had seriously felt drained. My energy was doing all of this. It was unbearable. I tried everything to come back to my physical body, but it wasn't having it. I HAD to experience this. (I tried something physical to wake me up...like peeing or holding my breath, Luckily I didn't pee on myself, because that would have been embarassing. But my friend did get scared and said I had stopped breathing. I kinda giggled after the experience when she told me that.)

So, I was exhausted. Pain everywhere...kinda like living an entire life with no water, no food, no sleep, and running the entire time. So the only thing I thought I could do to give a little relief was to pull myself out of the screen and I did. It was exciting that I had achieved that. Then...there it was. An infinity symbol made of little screens with my lives in them.

The pain wasn't over. The exhaustion was just getting started. I then started following the infinty symbol over and over and over again. I didn't understand a thing, I just knew that I had to do this. Like an instinct I guess. The only thing I knew that I could do was to pull myself out of the pucture and I had done it about 4 or 5 times, there the creation was.

An atom. I had worked so hard to create an atom. A single atom and *BOOM* it explodes. Sending me fast foward through 'time'. Through everything I had created. It felt like I was creating myself back into existence. As if I were my own creator. Or had experienced what 'the creator' had experienced.

-After the experience-
I was finally back in my body. Though I was in the same shape I was in before I had left. I could hear my friends freaking out and could feel them picking me up and sitting me on the toilet. I had heard the water coming out and hitting the tub...and then my friend ran a rag down my arm, I had immediately opened my eyes after that and sat up. I looked at her and said, "Oh MY GOD, That was crazy. I'm OKAY!"

I wanted to describe my experience right after it had happened, but I was so puny with words that it wouldn't come out right and was so hard to explain to my friends.

I had spent 6 months researching on my experience and this is an experience that led me to a long and full journey. I plan on working on my spiritual self more once my children are older. Needless to say. I don't drink anymore. After having that happen to me, I no longer feel the need to drink. I'll smoke occasionally for meditation and to question things.
Enfinehti Enfinehti 18-21, F 6 Responses Mar 5, 2012

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OMG that is amazing! Have you heard of the Book of Secrets? It was written by Osho. It is the most in depth book about meditation out there. It has been around for a very long time. You again remind me of myself. I too had an ego death moment, I was smoking weed at the time too. I was alone and having issues with my sister, we lived together and were fighting a lot. Meditation was the only way I could face the negativity without causing myself excessive depression. I felt my ego leave, it felt like I died, it was very short. When I came back from the darkness I felt as though the ego cant die until we die. So from then on I focused not on getting rid of my ego, but on understanding and training it. Like a dog.

Hi Enfinehti, I like your last comment on April 16th. and in particular "it came back with a vengeance." <br />
My experience is that our personality remains as was, along with ego, and that you need to learn to watch the egotistical impulses but not necessarily fulfill them. Possibly taking a drug is a short cut to "awakening" to your true self (self without ego),but then you still need to do all the same work of integration, as for instance a monk in a monastry, which can take years. I think you have a great opportunity here to make the most of this gift. I like your no-nonsense writing, keep it up and good luck.

I definitely agree with you. Thank you.

Hi... ok I.ve never heard about ego death before...<br />
this may be the right way to call it..<br />
one thing is shure it was not just a normal hallucination, it had meaning.<br />
but... are you shure that your ego is dead??<br />
ego can come back when we least expect it...<br />
when you think that you are evolved, when you think that you got it all figured out.. ego comes from behind you and takes it all for himself without notice...

Of course it came back. I spent many many months just trying to figure out what had happened to me. Once I had seen that other people had the same hallucintation as me, I knew that it was more than a bad trip. The ego death happens when you return to your body and I had spent about a month egoless. At the time I had no idea what was going on or how to keep myself in this state. To be honest, it came back with a vengeance. Luckily reading up on it has helped me some. I plan on working on it again in the future, once I learn more on how to keep the state.

You seem a very wise girl!
I send you love sweetheart!

Sure sounds like an ego death to me. Once you KNOW that you are so much more than the personality that you currently are, you KNOW what you KNOW, and that knowledge changes your view forever. I believe that it is this realization that will bring about peace as we ALL come to realize that we are indeed all in this together forever.<br />
<br />
By the way, when I first joined EP a few years ago it was because I found such enriching stories and sharing of information such as you have written here. It's getting harder and harder to find quality amongst the mounds and mounds foolishness posted for reasons that I cannot understand. This is a forum for the sharing of experiences, I thought.... Thank you for your input... it is rewarding to know that people are still pondering the big picture. Bless you

Definitely, I'm actually pretty excited about it. I've always believed that it wasn't meant to be taken literally. The end is merely an illusion of the beginning. -cycle. <br />
<br />
This site has a little information on it about spirituality and I was actually thinking about signing up to take classes, but they were FULL! <br />
<br />
http://www.ahalmaas.com/Glossary/e/ego_death.htm

I'm not sure if I would call that ego death, but it definitely sounds like a very intense spiritual experience. I've done a ton of research on this kind of thing, but haven't experienced it firsthand. I've tried to start meditating, but although I do it occasionally I don't do it regularly.

I mostly listed what had happened. The feelings that I was experiencing, indicated an ego death. And I've read many stories on the topic, which sounds almost identical. Which is why I think it has more to do with ego, rather than being just another hallucination.

I think the way I acted after the fact, had more impact on my ego. And the realization of everything around me.

Makes sense. The only info I've read on ego death is http://www.egodeath.com/EntheogenTheoryOfReligion.htm .. Have you noticed more and more people getting interested in spirituality as we move towards the next era? I get pretty excited about it. I don't think there's gonna be any sudden changes December 21, but we will be starting the Golden Age.

Just like everything else in life, an 'ego death' is temporary. Like you said, you remained egoless for about a month afterwards.. which would suggest that if you practiced getting into the 'creator' state once a month you could sustain this way of spiritual being :)