I Had An Emotional Affair, Now It Is Over And I Am HeartbrokenWow! I thought I was all alone and then I find this forum and see that so many people have had a similar experience. It is very helpful to hear I'm not crazy for letting this happen. It is even more helpful to hear that others who have been through it have gotten past it.
Here is my story.
I have been married 20 years. It has not been good for the last 12 years. I knew this, but also knew that I had so many other blessings in my life -- 2 wonderful children, an amazing step daughter, a great job, wonderful friends, loving extended family, my health and on and on -- that who was I to complain about the fact that my marriage hadn't turned out as I had hoped. I chose to focus on my blessings and ignore the things I could not change.
Then this summer, everything came to a head. My youngest daughter finished elementary school, my older one will be driving soon -- I could see that my ability to bury my emotional needs in my kids would be gone all too soon. Both girls started to talk more and more about boys -- and I could see the example I had set for them about what love and marriage and a husband should be was not what I wanted for them. In church my minister did a whole series on the family and how to keep it strong. I sat there week after week all by myself crying out to God, asking for more. And finally, in the middle of the summer, I was contacted through the Internet by my first love.
He was also married (we got married within 10 days of each other) with kids and a difficult marriage. He lives over 1000 miles away, so it seemed safe. It started off as old friend reconnecting. It moved on to him trying to help me with my marriage problems and providing some spirtual advice. Before we knew it there were strong feelings developing. There was flirting, but nothing over the top sexually. It was a very sweet and romantic relationship. When we went too far over the line, he tried to put it back on course. Twice it came to a head and he had long talks with his wife and came back to me to make it clear he felt committed to her. I started marriage counseling with my husband and tried to work through the problems in our marriage.
Each time he chose his family over me I was devasted, even though I knew the possiblity of us being together seemed impossible.
All the things I loved most about him -- his love for his children, his love of God, his sense of commitment and honor --- were all the same things that would keep him with her.
We agreed that we would each make our own choices about our spouses and our futures without any expectations of each other.
It was becoming clear to me through counseling that my marriage would most likely not make it.
The more certain I became, the more he seemed to push the boundaries of the impossibility of us being together.
Then over the holidays he came to my state to visit family. We met in secret for about 5 hours on New Years eve day.
It was amazing. We met in a public place. Had breakfast. Then sat in my car for hours talking about everything and nothing at all.
I've never know a man that I could talk to so easily about anything. We have common interests and beliefs and passions.
Eventually we kissed and I realized I hadn't felt that desire for anyone is many, many years.
When we said goodbye, it was painful but I fully expected to see him again.
He went back to his home state and the emails, phone calls and texts grew more intense.
He loved me. He would never leave me. I was his other half. He missed me. He needed me. He would never foresake me.
And then 2 weeks ago his wife found out.
She called me 15 times that day from 3 different phone numbers. He and I emailed back and forth all day and he professed his love for me, how he wouldn't let me go and how he had told her I was his best friend.
Then that night I got a voice message from him telling me that when he called back he wanted me to answer the phone.
He then told me I was on speaker phone and that he would never be able to talk to me again.
"He" was on our email account all night. I now know it was her reading all our emails, all my private thoughts and feelings.
The next morning he sent me a horrible email telling me he was a liar and a cheater and a thief and an adultier. He hated himself for what he had done and hoped someday to be forgiven.
I couldn't leave it at that and we had one more phone call the next day. It was so painful. I knew once we hung up the phone I would never talk to him again. It felt like he was dying. I wanted to die too.
A few days later I started sending myself emails to the account reserved for him, just so I could document the end of the journey in the same place it started. After about 17 notes, I accidently sent one to him. When I realized my mistake I sent another explaining it had been an accident and to please just delete it.
At that point he sent one last email. It was horrible. It was judgemental and mean and unforgiving. It was not the man I loved but someone who was in incredible pain and under the influence of others. It hurt me deeply.
After that he deleted his Facebook and his email account.
I didn't intend to contact him again anyway, but knowing they are gone is just another knife in the heart.
I am destroyed. I cry every day. I miss the Good Morning Sunshine notes. I miss the end of the workday recaps. I miss the Sunday afternoon phone calls. I see him and feel him and remember him everywhere I go.
I hate what happened, yet I wouldn't trade it for anything.
It woke me up. It made me realize what I have been missing all these years.
Even though he thinks the whole thing was evil and a test from God that he failed, I see it very differently.
For my husband -- God woke him up. Through my pushing, he is now becoming the father he should have been all these years. He has now started going to church again. He realizes all the damage he has done and is sorry for it. He will never be the same man.
For my friend -- God woke him up. He pushed him and his wife to the brink. My hope is this will make them realize how much they mean to each other and fix the problems in their marriage so he can have the life he always dreamed of.
For me -- God woke me up. He made me remember what it was like to be in love. He made me see what true compainonship and partnership looks like. He lit a fire under me that I need to make some changes in my life in order to have the life I'm supposed to lead.
I don't believe my marriage will survive. This affair didn't cause the problems. The problems in my marriage left the door open for this affair to happen. Unfortunatly those problems are so deep and have taken their toll for so many years I believe it is past repair.
But at least I now know what I'm looking for. That is is possible.
I'll know I've really made it the day I go to bed at night and realize I haven't thought about him once.
Unfortunatly, today is not that day.
soconfused31 41-45, F 14 Responses 8 Jan 30, 2011