Just Finished An Emotional Affair, Part Two

So we began emailing and I quickly realized that one of the reasons I contacted her again was to fix an old wrong.  Back in 1973, I never told her how I felt about her.  Never told her that I loved her.  I let her go too easily and I wanted to correct that.  I wanted her to know, 35 years later, that I loved her then and I still loved her now.

So that came out quite quickly in our emails.  She had been with a guy for about a year but was having doubts about the relationship.  I'd been faithfully married for over 30 years.  We didn't talk too much about my marriage, but she and I talked a lot about her relationship with her boyfriend.

We soon began exchanging many emails every day - with a 3 hour time difference between us - I'd email late at night, she'd respond early morning, and I'd have her response when I woke up.  I began awakening early, anticipating a new email.  It didn't take long for me to be thinking about her constantly.  What I would write to her next, what she might say about my last email.  I thought of her all day long, fell asleep thinking about her, woke up during the night thinking about her.

I had seen her once, for one hour, in 35 years and I found myself deeply in love with her.  She was more cautious in telling me how she felt, she worried about "leading me on" when we both knew, from the start, that there was no future for us.  I wasn't prepared to leave my family and she didn't want me to.  But as we did in 1973, we enjoyed each other's company so much that we kept up the emailing.

We made each other laugh and feel good.  But by January, I began to realize how difficult this was on me.  I was not eating, losing weight, not sleeping, not concentrating on my job as I should.  All I wanted was to be in touch with her.  We even began emailing each other at work and setting up times when we could be online at the same time and chat via email.

It occurred to me one morning that I had to end this.  Then a couple of days later, she sent me an email with a subject line that read "I need you".  She had just discovered that her boyfriend was seeing another woman and she was devastated.  For the next several weeks, I supported her and helped get through the pain. 

Our relationship deepened and I was so grateful that I could be there to help her.  We even spoke on the phone a few times and I was delighted to hear her voice and sometimes make her laugh.  We started asking each other what it might be like if we met, perhaps just for a cup of coffee.

So I hatched a plan, I was able to convince my wife that I should return to my hometown (where ***** lived) on my own to visit my family.  And somehow, I ended up picking a week when ***** was not working.  We could have 4 days together!

***** agreed to meet me and I booked my flights.  But I was never sure she would actually go through with it.  Every day I expected an email from her that would say she wouldn't be there.  There were several times when she expressed doubts and those days were very difficult for me.  All I wanted was to see her and that's all I could think about for days and days.

By now she had started seeing someone else and she had real concerns about seeing me, stilling thinking about the ex who cheated on her, and trying to make a new relationship work.  But a week or two before I my trip, she emailed me "run away with me".  She had realized that "I was the one" and she thought about running away with me.  Not entirely seriously, because she really didn't want me to leave my family, but she told me what I had wanted to hear.  "I was the one".

Even up to the day of my flight, I wasn't sure she'd be there to see me.  But she was, and we spent 2 amazing days together.  No sex, just talking, hugging, holding hands.  In the car, on the couch at her house, and an amazing dinner out together where we both dressed up and she looked absolutely sensational - better than I even remembered her 35 years ago.

Two people, old friends, now very much in love.  But we knew these two days would be our last. We agreed this couldn't go on.  There was no future for us together, and staying in touch made it too difficult on our relationships with our partners.

I didn't spend the night at her house - we had agreed that I would stay in a hotel.  The next morning I woke her and she greeted me in PJs and a robe and I loved it.  She was comfortable enough with me to do that.  We went out for a late breakfast and knowing it was our last few hours together, we spent the entire day on the couch at her house.  Sitting next to each other and as the day progressed, closer and closer.  At one point, she stretched out her legs and put them over mine.  I'll never forget that she was trusting enough, affectionate enough, and loving enough to do that.  As I did in 1973, I stroked her hair, a lot.  I touched her cheek, held her hands, and cried a few times.  She stroked my hair, and she cried too.

We agreed that I would leave at 10pm.  We both knew we'd likely never see each other again.  I had thought that I would be more emotional than she would be, but actually, she cried more than I did, more than I thought she would at the end.  I told her as I left that maybe this ending was really the beginning of the best relationship yet, the one she had just started.  And as difficult as that is for me to think about, I really hope that is true.  That this new guy in her life, makes her happy.  I had told her that if he can make her half as happy as I know she could be with me, she'll be very happy indeed.

The next day, alone in my hotel room, I was a mess.  Deep sobbing, looking at her pictures on my laptop, listening to Frank Sinatra sing Just the Way you Look Tonight.  I left the hotel and walked down a busy downtown street, tears in my eyes, crying.  I stopped at a Starbucks, barely able to order my drink, then spent 45 mins crying quietly with my coffee.

35 years of waiting to see her again, and I had, but it sure hurt like hell knowing I'll likely never ever see her again.

Yet those two days with her I think were the best two days of my life.  I had thought about those two days for a couple of months, building them up to likely unrealistic expectations.  But she was amazing.  We connected so easily, so deeply, so quickly.  Those two days were way beyond what I had dreamt they would be.

She had asked me to email when I got back to let her know I got home safely.  But in my email to her, I told her I just couldn't say I'm OK and leave it at that.  We had agreed to end it, but I needed one more email.  She was OK with that and suggested that maybe we didn't have to end it after all.  So my next email recounted my joy at the 2 days together and thanked her for letting me see her, touch her, hug her, and asked her how she felt.  But in her next email, she told me that the new guy in her life had just told her he loved her, and she couldn't respond.  She felt terrible about that and she said we had to find a way "to put this behind us".

I knew now it was over.  It had to be.  So I emailed her .... "Go to ***.  Give him all you've got.  Let him make you happy.  If you ever need me again, for anything, I'll be here.  But unless you really want to, don't email me back.  I'll understand completely.  I'll always have so much love for you".

That was 4 days ago.  I haven't heard from her since.  I've cried a lot since then, but I know it's best for her and for me this way.

I met her 35 years ago.  I kept her in my heart all that time.  Now I know that she feels the same way about me.  And though I'll likely never see her again, never hear her delightful voice again, never see her beautiful face again, never touch her softness again, never ever play with her fabulous hair again, I did get to be with her for 2 glorious days.  2 whole days of joy, happiness, and an unbelievable connection that will last for the rest of my life.

Worth all the tears in the world.  Goodbye *****.  You'll always be with me.

 

 

3deweys 3deweys
51-55
8 Responses Mar 13, 2009

My friend, you will never ever will be able to replace her. Please my stories and you will know that you are not alone. The emptiness is brutal and that hole is like eternal. I do not know which is worst mine or yours. In the long run you have those memories and they will never go. Maybe she will be your last thought on this Existence!

thanks joderyjoder for the comment. I think you may be right, she will be the last thought i have on this earth. We are back in touch actually, but on a limited basis. She admitted she was quite upset that we had ended the contact completely, but for me it was easier that way to be honest. An email a week just makes it harder for me I think. But we'll see how it goes.

Well, four years later now, and it's over. We agreed today to end this. She insists that we be just friends and I've found that I just can't do that. My emails were beginning to upset her. She's been married for 8 or 9 months now and is very happy. So instead of continuing to upset her, it's best that we just stop emailing. After over 4000 emails in 4 years, more than anything I just feel an emptiness. I'm not that upset, sad for sure, but just feel that emptiness. No big scene, no ill will, no anger, just emptiness.

I'm sure that emptiness won't last and my life will just move on. And I'll always have the memories.

It's hard to believe that 3 years have gone by since I wrote about my EA. I think it's an appropriate time for an update - she just got married. We've remained in touch, emails most days, some days several emails, some days none. A few chats on Facebook, but not recently. <br />
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She continues to insist our emails be just as friends and that there be nothing in them that we wouldn't want our partners to see. If I write something even slightly romantic, she either ignores it or I get my wrist slapped lol. I've mentioned to her that in spite of the innocent content, I don't think our partners would see anything innocent about the frequency. She ignores that too.<br />
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She has said more than once that if circumstances had been different, that if I were available, and we lived in the same city, she knows we would have been great together. <br />
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Last time I heard from her was just a few days ago, the day before she got married...I'd asked her to think of me, for a brief moment, then go and say those words to that very very lucky guy. She responded and said she would. <br />
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I don't think much will change at least in the short term. We'll continue to email frequently, as friends. In case you're wondering, my relationship with my wife is stronger than ever, and for that I am very lucky, and very grateful. Thanks for reading my story, and for your comments too.

i am interested to know the update now... are you still in touch with her... i guess EA with FL would be the one very difficult relation to end... and worst of all connections with old flames are always veiwed to be very vulnerable..<br />
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would love to hear from you...

I have tried several times before to update my story but didn't know where to start. First though, thanks to those of you who commented above. You've been insightful and though I didn't like all of what you had to say, I can't disagree with any of your observations really. Maybe she has been just stringing me along, a safety net of affection for her, as HikingBubbie said. So what I say.<br />
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Well, it's now almost 2 years since we first reconnected. It was about a year and a half ago that we painfully said goodbye. The situation today? We're still in touch...she's engaged and moving in with the guy very soon. How's that for a complicated story line? I can't expect to live her life alone can I? I did think seriously about leaving my family, but what is there to be gained by ruining two people's lives (my wife and my son)? HikingBubbie says I'm selfish and I can see that. But just how selfish would it be for me to ruin the lives of two completely innocent and in fact wonderful people that love me?<br />
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She initiated contact several weeks after our goodbye. Slowly at first, she was seeing her now fiance but wanted to stay in touch with me. I've sent her small gifts, we've chatted online many times, though she's very cautious as to what she says about her feelings for me. She denies she's in love with me, just very fond of a very old friend. Good enough for me (barely).<br />
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We've tried to say goodbye at least a couple more times since, but each time she's come back to me. I can't say goodbye again...it just hurts too much. So if it ends, it will end as just a drifting apart, which I really think is the worst way for it to end, but I can't just can't say goodbye again.<br />
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My wife and I? She doesn't know of course. Our relationship suffered but I really do believe due to my unemployment more than because of this. Recently though, it's much better. HikingBubbie mentioned the possibility of physical problems, but there is certainly none on my part. My relationship with my EA partner has never been about sex. We held hands, sat close, but we never even kissed. That's not what my feelings for her are about. It's about knowing, without a slightest doubt, that she's the absolute perfect partner for me, and me for her. Circumstances just never let that happen as it should have. <br />
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One thing I can say for what it's worth. I've been married for over 35 years...never ever strayed physically...never even thought about it. This is the only woman that could ever make me feel the way I do and act the way I have. I know that is no justification. But it's the truth. I wouldn't do this for absolutely anyone else.<br />
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So now what? Well, once she's moved in with the guy, I don't know. I've brought it up in emails and she hasn't responded to that part of them. Soon enough she'll be married to him. I do think she wants to stay in touch but has made it clear that our contact is as good friends and the romance must stay out of our messages. I try...not always successfully :). I certainly want to stay in touch with her. We email several times a week now but always when she's on her own, so it's obvious it won't be as frequent once she's moved in with him. Maybe I'll update again in a few weeks.<br />
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Yogaoil, if you read this, I'd be interested to hear how you're doing.

while I can understand your love for this woman, there is also another person involved in this scenario, and that is your wife of over 30 years (and possibly children?). you have not mentioned your wife at all in any of this, except to say that you've been married. from what I have read, you are selfish and only thinking of yourself. and believe me, if you are presenting with physical problems your wife is aware that something is going on. and you are hurting her with your selfishness. if being with "your true love" is all that matters to you, then be honest with yourself and your wife. also, from what you describe of "your true love," she's just playing with your mind and emotions, stringing you along. you have been her safety net for when she has a bad relationship. what does that say about "your true love?"

thanks barebackrider. That's great advice, but trouble is right now, I just don't know. If I'd heard back from her right now, when the pain of separation is so raw, I could very well decide to go to her. But weeks or months from now, when the pain has subsided, I just don't know how I will feel. So how do I decide now, when my emotions will likely be different in the future?

very heart felt story...but speaking from experience, I have to try and prepare you....<br />
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A connection like that just doesn't go away. You have to decide right now who you are going to be loyal to, your wife and family or your long lost love. You say that you will never leave your wife but if and when your love comes back, you will do things that will continue to put a strain on your family life, on your work life. A second life like that will destroy the life you have lived for the past 35 yrs. So decide now, that you may be ready when the circumstance comes your way.....<br />
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I hope you choose wisely and all goes well.....