This Is Quite Painful To Say..

I haven't found my purpose in life..
I don't feel I have a reason for being..

..and I realize now, this is why I am depressed. This explains so much..

why I haven't found a career to aim for, why I don't have anything planned after college, why I'm not very sociable, why I don't have a political view, why I'm lazy, why I procrastinate, why I don't care much about my grades, why I'm not very good at anything, why I'm not content with my life (mine isn't the best or worst, it's really quite decent..), why I feel numb, why I answer most people with "I don't know",
among other terrible things... because I feel none of it really matters, because I, myself, don't matter.
This is the big gaping hole in my heart..

but also, why I get attached to people easily, why I need to feel needed, why I want to feel wanted,
why I enjoy helping people, why I love and crave affection,
because these things make me feel important, useful, and loved. Like someone needs me around.

I don't know what to do.. "search for your light in the darkness" is much easier said than done..
I do have hope though.. hope that something will change.

I'm not suicidal.. because I do have a few things to live for,  friends and family..

For you I survive, for you I struggle.. for you, I don't let this show..

Turbulence Turbulence
18-21, M
11 Responses Mar 17, 2011

All of your thoughts about yourself could describe my younger self. The good news, is that many people have these thoughts at your age, and eventually do find a purpose that they find fulfilling. I have to some extent, but the important thing is to keep a bit of perspective that things can change very quickly in life. Today's woe, is not necessarily tomorrow's. And maybe more importantly, if you work on resolving today's woe (in an effective way), then you can gain a greater sense of self-worth in accomplishing that task.

I think we were created to share God's love. It is said "Seek first the kingdom of God and all else will follow.". Just seek God in your own way and let Him know you are interested. You are lucky to have family. Some people have no one. Nobody that cares whether they live or die. You'll be OK, just step though your life and enjoy the moments--don't worry so much about always being happy. Best of luck to you.

*picks up* my poor turby:( you'll be okay soon. don't be afraid of the world. someone like you will only soon find the best. You're very brave for not giving up and i know that your "needyness" will be greatly appreciated. Being attached and loving people may hurt and seem like a curse (I have it too) but it really makes relationships last longer, especially if you're with the right person:) you are special, and amazing. don't think differently, ever.

**** **** **** !!<br />
Why can't I figure this out!?!<br />
<br />
<br />
where do i belong...<br />
****...<br />

I know what it feels like and I hope the best for you.<br />
I've been through the same whirlwind. And now that it's over and I am calm, I find it difficult to find the right words to say to help quell your winds and bring you relief.<br />
You have a gift of writing, such that I've never felt so connected with another writer than with this piece, and I know that you have so much more you can tell. Don't stop writing if it makes you feel an ounce of relief because it's very authentic, honest, and pure.

But that's just half the argument.. <br />
<br />
Too many to count o.o<br />
Like.. always hold the door open for a female, or a cute male *wink*,. umm.. yeeah that's all I can think of right now. I haven't set them in stone, they just come to me for the situation.<br />
<br />
Why are you the only one commenting on this story..

If you look at your argument closely its still living for others. You don't want to rely on them because you don't want them to be weighed down by the responsibility. Your desire to live separate is for them. See?<br />
<br />
What are your morals?

Because I don't want to have to rely on others with that intensity.. <br />
I don't want my friends and family to hold the burden of whether I live or die. For without friends or family I wouldn't bother living. I want to be able to live for myself..<br />
<br />
I more or less live by my own set of morals, and while living for others is not a violation, it's just not what I want..

If you can't come up with any reason to be otherwise then why be so?<br />
<br />
Is there something moral against living for others?

Living for other people.. is not how I want to be. Forever to be used? I say no, but I have not a reason to be otherwise

If you have friends and family to live for then there you go. That is meaning. :) <br />
<br />
I went through a phase where my meaning was service. Sounds similar. It doesn't have to be profound, though it's great when it is. It just has to be enough to keep you alive. :)<br />
<br />
My meaning in life is to find the meaning of life.