IntimacyAs a child, I experienced every kind of abuse one might imagine - verbal, physical, sexual, drugs, etc... We, children, were nothing more than playthings - and apparently quite entertaining since the adults never seemed to tire of it.
As a result, I am pretty withdrawn and it is hard to let people truly close to my heart. This is such an obvious thing and I can't believe I didn't see it before, but it explains so much about why I am the way I am today. Not that last part... the next.
I used to have a very difficult time with sex. Every time anyone touched me, I felt sick and filthy. But, I hated always having to feel that way, so I decided to change it - by exposing myself to intimacy, desensitizing myself, so to speak. It was with one certain person, that I let myself come out of that shell. The way I accomplished it was by slowly shrugging off the negative feelings and it did take time. The process was so slow, I didn't even realize it had been accomplished until years later - just now.
Anyone who knows me well, knows I am very sexually uninhibited. And, this is why. I let all the bad stuff and stigma I felt, related to sex, just drift away. Now, my true nature shows, brightly. I love sex and I rarely experience emotional discomfort (or emotional depth to be honest) associated with it. Rather, it is deep emotional intimacy that bothers me. It seems I have swung the pendulum too far so, now I am trying to find a happy median.