To Be Continued

So I have been philosophizing today about my life and my personal relationship to the world and to other human beings.  I am constanly obsessed with gaining knowledge about myself and the world arround me.  I am different, and I live in a seperate universe to everyone  I feel so detatched from humanity it terrifized me and thrills me at the same time.  I believe that I will never love, or be loved...not because of the sleeping arround incident I previously suffered....its the fact that I have always been so different that I cant imagine ever sharing such a perception of the world so fully with someone that I could love them and allow them to love me.  I also believe love is somewhat illusionistic, it exists definitly...but it can exist with people and several other beings...there is no "one"  I wish to be control of both my body and my mind and it caused me to make a risky decision, I slept with a man I met once before, and went to his house and ****** him.  I did it..I felt completly detatched from him and the world arround me when we started fooling arround...I felt nothing for him but I continued to accept his advances.   Then I made the decision to **** him as I one did not want to see him again but wanted sex....I am horny all the time, I love the thought of being penetrated even if it is with a person i hardly know. It frightens me what my mind can do when givin long hours to fabricate myths about myself for my own personal entertainment.  I felt slightly empowered after this, the sex was safe btw, however Idid not know anything about this person.  I felt empowered by this as I had sex without emotion...I have felt somthing close to love, infatuation it is illusionistic love, and I have felt it and It has made my desire so strong and my illusion of love so strong that I ahve wated this person unconditionally, no matter how bad they treated me or how ininterested they have behaved toward me.  The only thing I enjoyed about this experience was having that guys huge ....inside me.  The fear of aids got to me, it terrified me, I felt stupid and wanted to kill myself for being so stupid.  People keep telling me that my chances of contracting hiv and slim to non b/c I used protection.  My viewpoint on the incident kept dwindling from it being a positive experience to the worst mistake and defilement of my body imaginable.  It was a mistake, however I hurt myself when I make mistakes, emotiuonally....I beat it into my brain how stupid I am, how I should have already slipped through the cracks of society, how I am subhuman, how I dont understand the world around me or the people arround me and that I am essentially mentally inferior.  My human instict wants me to survive. so yusually these realizeations make me not want to go outside, make me terrified of taking any risks whatsoever even if they account for the process of daily living.    This post coital anxiety and stress reapeats itslef often within my life, not just through sex.  I feel anxiety AFTER the event. and it makes me afraid of everything...then I overcome this fear and behave in risky behaviour all over again.  It is frightening to myelf the cycles that keep repeating in my mind and actions.

 

amelia333 amelia333
18-21
1 Response Aug 31, 2009

One part of this stood out to me because I relate to it:<br />
"It was a mistake, however I hurt myself when I make mistakes, emotiuonally....I beat it into my brain how stupid I am, how I should have already slipped through the cracks of society, how I am subhuman, how I dont understand the world around me or the people arround me and that I am essentially mentally inferior."<br />
This is something I try to break out of, we have to strike the balance between the extremes of not caring we made a mistake and therefore not learning from our mistakes, and dwelling on them leading us to hate ourselves and have a bad attitude. It is much like apologizing excessively after the person has forgiven you. <br />
I also relate to sleeping around, I used to have one night stands a lot, without feelings for the other person, and I did it for excitement and thrills. While I do not have regrets I later realized it was a waste of time. And I also did it for other more complex reasons...<br />
but my point is, you need to forgive yourself and have mercy towards yourself. We are often our own worst critics. Everyone makes mistakes to learn.