I Don't Understand It...

It has been...let's see wow, 8 years since we broke up. And I am MARRIED now, but that still doesn't stop him! He recently contacted me on fb using a fake name. He only had nice things to say, but there's a reason when you have to use a fake name to get someone to pay attention to you.

We officially broke up after about 2 years of off and on dating. Many of our fights/break ups were caused by the fact that neither of us trusted each other. He was obsessed with his ex-girlfriend. I found emails that were just heartbreaking. I tried so hard to be perfect and everything that he could ever want. But I was never her. I was never skinny enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. I hated myself. I was loyal to him to a point that was disgusting. I lost ALL but ONE friend because of that relationship. I put him before everything. And he just **** all over me. He never once told me I was beautiful. In 2 years, not one time.
One day I finally woke up and realized what I was doing to myself. We broke up for "good". This was the time he found most appropriate to propose to me. Uh, what? I was smart enough to say no and even stay away for a few months...eventually we tried to be friends. Which led to us dating again and repeating the same thing. This time it only lasted a month or two before I gave up. And for real for good.
I spent a couple months doing some serious soul searching. I learned that I am smart, beautiful, fun, and yes skinny, too. I began to finally love myself. I finally felt ready to date. He must have known...cause a couple weeks into my new relationship he emailed me to remind me of his love for me and blah blah blah...he didn't forget to update me about every 3-6 months.
My new relationship lasted 3 years. We grew apart. I began to get lonely and sought out a friend in my ex. Stupid idea. At this point my ex was now living completely across the country, so I guess that was part of why I felt safe about it. I dunno. But a few weeks after contacting him my then boyfriend got drunk beat me up. This was the first and only time. I left immediately never to return.
This pushed me to lean on my friendship with my ex a little more. I just needed someone to talk to. I felt so lonely and scared. But then he started getting jealous of guys I spent time with. He started trying to make me jealous of girls he went on dates with. I was so pissed that he was trying to take advantage of my emotional state. I called him out on it and we got in a huge fight. I told him we can't be friends because I don't want a relationship with him. He tried to convince me that was all he wanted to...but it was the same old stuff. He called my 20 times a day for a week. He somehow found out where I worked (I had never actually told him) and called there when I wouldn't answer my cell. Luckily I had a feeling that would happen and told my coworkers to say I didn't work there. He didn't believe them, but he never called back again. I ended up changing my cellphone number bc the phone company wouldn't just block his number for me. Over the next few months he did everything he could to get a hold of me. He sent letters to my moms house, emailed my old friends.
Later that year I got into another relationship, with an actual totally awesome genuinely good guy. A friend of mine had told me that he had moved back to town and was trying to find me. I told her not to give him any of my info, but to let him know I was happy and taken. He really wanted me to get together with him for lunch. He said just as friends, but he also commented "before things get to serious with the new guy". I played with the idea for a couple days. Part of me really did want to see him. I missed him. I wanted to know what his life was like now and how he was doing. But the smarter, better part of me knew that if I saw him I would give in and mess up a potentially amazing relationship with the new guy. I talked it over with the new guy. He asked me to please not do it, out of respect for him. But he also said it was my decision and he wasn't going to tell me no. In the end I chose not to go. I told the ex that I wasn't coming because I didn't feel like that was right to do by my new boyfriend.
A couple weeks later their was a package at my moms house for me. It was an angry letter from him about what a horrible person I was. How he had always thought I was this super nice, giving, caring girl and it was all a lie. I laughed because I actually was doing something very caring, respecting myself and my new relationship. He also returned a gift that I had made for him during our time together. I was shocked that he didn't throw it away or trash it. But also glad to have it returned because I had worked very hard on it.

Three years later, I am married to that genuinely good, awesome guy. I'm so glad I made the decision not to go to that lunch! And my husband remains truly awesome and good. And so am I. I am not the girl who continued down that destructive path of bad relationships. I had two very destructive relationships, but I learned from them. Just a few months ago the ex found me on facebook. He messaged me with a fake name. If you have to pretend to be someone else...luckily the message just said Congratulations. Still weird though.

In some ways it was flattering that he still thought about me this whole time. But then I remember that he was obsessed with his other ex while he was with me. This may just be an insane pattern for him. I like to think I was the one who got away and I'm just that great...but that's all egotistical bs and I know it. I guess I thought about him too, though. I didn't really have a choice since he cwouldn't go away. There are times I wish I could call him up or have lunch. I am a changed woman, very different from the girl he knew. Part of me wants him to see that. I want to know that he is happy and successful. That he has changed and been able to treat a woman the way she deserves to be treated...but if he still hasn't forgotten about me after all this time, then I know it's not a even close to a good idea to actually entertain that though.

Strangely enough my husband has had a similar experience. Which is good because I can talk to him about this. It doesn't upset him, he actually understands that I still care about this guy. Not on anywhere near the same level I once did, or I do now for my husband. But he was my first love, my only friend for a time, and I am a changed person because of the experiences we had together.

Maybe it's a lame story. But it felt good to get it out.
Nikster Nikster
2 Responses Jul 21, 2011

that was really awesome..!!! you made your complex life to a simple n peaceful one... but myn is not dat case..! :( 4yrs back i had a brkup wid a guy, n dat is wen i found my ex-boyfrnd.. he was so caring den.. it lasted fr 2 long yrs.. wenevr der was a fyt, i was d prsn 2 convince n get him bak.. but nw i m fed up wid him n dat lyf... so i left him 2 months ago... without evn a notice... it took a week fr me 2 think n stabilize. my parents wanted me 2 get married 2 a prsn who is really n totally amazing n perfect guy... I want 2 marry him n forget evrything but m afraid 2 tel him cuz m his 1st love n i dnt knw hw he wud take it.. I dont want 2 ruin my lyf n i want 2 marry him... but m unable 2 understand hw 2 deal wid my ex, he's been stalking me.. help me please.. :(

Its a wonderful story. Your journey has made you appreciate your husband so much more. :)