Having An Online Affair

I met this man over a month ago, not intentionally, but through an online interest group that we both share. He messaged me a short hello due to shared interest and immediately responded I'm married lol to which he said something funny about him having to return the ring now and from that we began this never-ending conversation. We e-mailed back and forth (I mean within minutes of receiving the last e-mail) for 2 days straight after this and then we begin to chat on Skype (messenger and webcam - depending on our "availability"). I have been married for 6 years (together for 9) and have 2 children. He is engaged and has a child from a previous marriage and states that he is happy and satisfied with his relationship, and is confused as to the relationship he has formed with me. I am truly captivated and intrigued by this man. I think about him constantly and he has expressed the same to me. We e-mail back and forth and talk on Skype daily sometimes for many hours. We both admit that this "relationship" will never progress from what it is. But we both have also stated how we wish we lived in another world that would allow us to give this thing a real shot. I love my husband but have never really been in love with him. We get along and he is a good man and I don't want to break up my family. My own family growing up was destroyed by an affair, which makes the guilt of what I am doing that much harder. I have definitely developed an emotional attachment to this man. I feel like I am possibly falling in love with him and I believe he shares these same feelings. I am confused as what to do. My head tells me the obvious that I need to stop this now, but for some reason I can't make myself do it. I have never felt such a strong connection with another person. I've never been such an open book with someone and I feel like he is with me too. For some reason I'm not afraid to share the good and the bad that makes me with him. I don't fear "what he will think of me" because I feel 100% accepted by him.. I just feel like he gets me and I him. I am definitely frightened of falling in love with this man because I know only heartbreak can come from that, but I don't know how to stop what I'm doing. I feel like he was meant to be in my life and if my children were older, as crazy as this sounds, I think I would be willing to give up/risk my marriage to explore "this" thing, but I'm not willing to mess up my children's lives due to my selfish needs. Any thoughts on this or has anyone went through something similar?
An Ep User An EP User
6 Responses Feb 10, 2013

I just don't get this lack of willpower when it comes to an online stranger. I want to eat a box of cookies every day but if I do, I had better be prepared to get fat. The only thing is, if I get fat, I only hurt myself unless I get so fat, I have a heart attack and die and leave my children motherless. Having your cake/cookies and eating them too will hurt people. It just will.

My husband had emotional and physical affairs for over half our 21 year marriage. It felt bad when I found out but it was more creepy than anything. I didn't want to save my marriage, I wanted the creeper away from me.

The only thing I was ever really mad at was he never just told me he was unhappy or needed to have affairs and then I would have been able to move on much sooner.

I have the very first love of my life as my facebook friend. He's a happily married man. It's "I hope you and your family have a nice holiday" and, I hope your birthday is great. What are you doing with your family"? AND THAT'S IT!!!

I love my first love with all my heart and want the best for him. The best for him would not make him or his wife uncomfortable.

You can stop, just stop. If you really don't want to stop at least tell your husband so he can make his own informed decision. You are fantasizing about a stranger. Pick up a Harlaquin Romance novel and keep things safe.

As hard as it is, you need to put an end to it. It will only get worse and you will become more dependent on him. You need to do what is best for your family. I had an emotional affair for a little over a year. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do to let it end. At the end, I felt needy and insecure. It was not like me at all. I would feel like my body was here, but my mind was always with him, focusing on him, wanting him. I short changed my family by being so distracted. It is like an addiction. You feel horrible when you don't communicate with him. So, you tell yourself that if you just send one email you will feel better and you get your "fix". Then you are back at it again. Just ended it now before you invest anymore of yourself in it and it becomes harder.

I know exactly how you feel.

Through a gaming community I was part of almost three years ago, I met this woman. We began to communicate, mostly just game related stuff at first, but then it got more personal. After about six months of this, I realized I was falling madly in love with her. She was everything I had ever wanted... and I had never felt a connection like this with anyone before. I hid it from her until an email where I finally admitted how I felt... only to find that to my complete surprise she felt the same.

In my case, not only was she married already, but she was married to another woman. I was married at the time, but we were already seeking divorce (not that that's any sort of attempt at justification mind you).

In her case, I don't think much really changed. But I can tell you that in my case, it was devastating. It became more and more difficult to talk to her and communicate because of how strong I felt and how strong our connection was. The knowledge that I'd never be able to be with her became an obsession.

I still communicate with her as friends, but I've distanced myself from the situation as best I could, and over time I've slowly begun to get over all this. I've since come to realize that, while yes, we may actually truly have that intense connection - and may have had it if we'd ever met face to face - it was partly the fact that I COULDN'T ever have her that made my feelings so strong. She was able to compartmentalize her feelings, while I simply am not able to do that. I had no choice - for my own self worth and health - to distance myself and work to get over it.

Everyone's situation is different, and I can't (and won't) suggest you do what I did because of that. But consider what I went through as you go forward, and I hope whatever decision you make for yourself turns out for the best for you.

Thank you so much.. your story is actually very helpful to me.

My husband had an emotional affair 7 yrs ago & it still hurts. The trust is GONE, it will never be 100%. The love I felt is never going to be the same, The marriage was in disrepair for years. All for what???
You better think long & hard because there is no going back

emotinal affairs are almost as hurtful, if not more at times then physical. you should end the affair with the guy onnline, also you shuld tell you husband whats going on and discuss with why. had you ever gotten naked for the other guy skyping? If you want things to improve you need to be dead honest with your husband about what you have done and why. If you do not he may find out, he may not but you will always have this secret and things will never change within your current realtionship. if you are doing what you have been somtehing is lacking, and it will continue to lack until until you figure it out. you may havve to push some boundries with you husband to figure out what you have to do to make things better. i know with kids things get stressful and its hard to find time for each other and find the person you once were when you met. that swhy cimmunicatting openly and honstley about your fantasies and how you feel allow for you better understand the people you have grown into. maybe if you commincated with your husband via online like with this other guy you both may find a side of each other you never knew existed. luckily nothing physical happened but there is no point in staying married to someone who you truly do not love. it is not fair to either of you that is why you should be open and honest with him so you both can get what you need out of your relationship.

"had you ever gotten naked for the other guy skyping? "

definitely not, nothing sexual.

I have very recently went through an extremally similar situation. I met this person online and just like you had an instant and intense connection to him. As much as i tried to stop talking to him i couldn't and i found myself on the phone or skype with him mutiple hours daily. I never thought it would go past that but almost 7 months later i found myself in a bed with him. It ended shortly after and broke my heart. I will tell you this from one person going through it and having experienced it to another.......end it now. Cut all ties.....delete all messages, erase all pictures, and end it all. Go back to your marriage and start going to marriage counseling with your husband so that he can become that person to feel that void. I wish more than anything i would have had the strength to end it. Because once it does end and it eventually will.....you will find yourself depressed and even more confused because you will then be trying to get feelings back for your husband all while missing and yearning for someone else.the confusion will come from wondering if your marriage has always been bad and you'll think "i never really loved my husband", or "my husband and i are just like roomates" and "my husband doesn't get me like this other man gets me"......i know because i said all the same things. But the truth is this other person is convoluting your thoughts and you are simply rationalizing the relationship in your own mind. A relationship i might add that is honestly built on an illusion which only will reveal itself when its too late and your already too invested. And once your invested the depression comes and you will find yourself withdrawing more and more from your family....and seeking out the missing pieces with the affair. But like i said.....once it ends and you've invested its too late and your trying to go backwards and wishing you never new this other person. You then start to try and look at your husband and have those feelings but you can't. You try to get those feelings back for him but getting those feelings back is impossible. Trust me.....end this and save yourself the same pain and heartache that i now have. It is not worth it in the end. It will only add to your marriage problems. I have since told my husband of the affair and he did forgive me; however, our marriage is now even more in shambles because i now resent my husband for not meeting my needs the way this other person did. I resent my husband for not being him. And i hate myself for looking at my husband and wishing he were someone else. There's no coming back from it and it destroyed my marriage, my family, and my own sanity. If i could wish for anything it would be that i never met this other person, i never opened up to him and let him into my life, and that i focused on the problems in my marriage and fixed that instead of seeking out a new relationship. Im telling you end it now before it really becomes too late and truly does start to effect everything around you. Dont keep it going cause you will live with a lost of regret. I know because i do.

Thank you for your advice. I know I should end it. I just feel like I have no self-control when it comes to him. Some days I tell myself, "you aren't going to talk to him today" and it takes a huge effort to stay off the computer.. and in the end I even fail with that. Do you mind me asking what ended your affair?