I Want Out Of This

I had anorexia few years ago. Back then, it was about weight loss. It started off as a healthy vegetarian diet, but then I became obsessed with it. I used to live on one apple a day. I loved being in control of my diet, in control of what I eat. I loved that I was shedding pounds after pounds each day. I was weak and I did look emaciated, but I loved feeling thin and light. One day a guy at my school looked at me and said, "Damn, she's freakin' skinny." I knew he didn't mean it in a nice way, but that felt goooood. Along with anorexia came depression. I was suicidal and I hurt myself. Weight loss was no longer a mean for a happier & healthier life anymore. It was more like a goal, a purpose, a life of its own.
My physical situation wasn't that bad. I never had to be hospitalized. But my mental health was in ruins. I couldn't do anything. So I had to quit school. I didn't want to, but I couldn't stay there. And then I became an emotional eater. I wouldn't say bulimic because somehow I found strength to hold on to the last string of my reason and strength to not purge. It was hard not to, trust me. Too many times I knelt down by the toilet and then cried my eyes out. I told myself, purging is taking things too far. Ironic, considering that I was suicidal at that time as well. Maybe God helped me. (I believe in neither God nor heaven, though.) I picked up weight pretty fast. It was cycles of binge-fast-binge-fast-binge-fast ... My body looked hideous. It still does. and my depression was getting worse and worse.
Well, the thing is, as my depression "developed," I came to blame mom for my misery. She is always manipulative and demanding. She is a perfectionist. She has OCD. I just couldn't bear her. I blamed all my problems on her. Whenever she and I have a fight, I either turned to food or from food. I wanted to hurt myself so that she'd be hurt. She hurt me so much with her words. I wanted to hurt her, too, but I couldn't. So I wanted to hurt myself and wanted her to see that because I knew she'd be heartbroken if she saw that. I'd fast for days. and then I'd binge for days, but only, these days, I did throw up. I wanted to be beautiful again. I wanted my mom hurt. I wanted to be back in control of my body and weight and diet.
I still am in fast-binge-purge cycle these days. And I had a huge fight with mom this morning. I want out of this.
wannabebeautiful wannabebeautiful
1 Response Aug 13, 2010

Part of the reason I starve myself is because of my mom, aswell. She's sooo controlling! Food is the only thing i can control. Me being very skinny I hope is making her miserable.