Control Issues Led To Something Worse.

I have a control problem, which can range from no control - binge eating, over indulging in things I love and getting addicted to them [food or not] - to extreme control to a very bad point - denying myself food and starving myself. I suffered from anorexia for about 1 year, after 2 years of binge eating. I would binge throughout the day, eating waaay too many calories. For some reason it made me feel kind of better to overeat and not think of anything else. That was when my life was really stressful and bad, from ages 11-14.

But by 15, things suddenly changed. I began to develop symptoms of a personality disorder and my desire to be perfected was becoming difficult to control - my intense dislike of myself was always around, but it was ten times worse when I turned 15. Then all of the sudden, I thought, why not start exercising and doing the opposite? Maybe you'll feel even better, because overeating was making me hate myself slowly. So I ate less and less. It was hard at first; I easily felt light headed, tired, beat, and like I couldn't do it anymore - I was tempted to binge, but shockingly I didn't. I had this great new grip on life, even a better one than when I was binging on food. Not many people could work out for an hour a day and actually burn off ALL the calories they ate - I was easily burning thousands, yes, THOUSANDS of calories per day.

I'd like to also remind you that I was not the stereotypical 'she's already thin and doesn't even need to lose weight' type of girl, I was 5'6 and 165 pounds, NOT GOOD. So my intense desire to lose motivated me to the point of starvation. For months I only had the main goal in the back of my head to lose. I was running on empty and it gave me a natural high. I could exercise like crazy and barely need any food. I became so twisted I would be upset if I had to eat anything healthy but seen as 'bad' in my eyes, like meat. I barely ate anything and everybody bugged me about it. They began to threaten to put me in a home, and that's when it got serious. By the end of the year period, I was 16 and had grown about half an inch, so now 5'7 and a half, and definitely dropped A TON of weight, very, very quickly, like 3.5 stones in just 5-6 months.

Can you believe it? But it was at the expense of my body. I wasn't getting my period anymore. I had terrible stomach problems...I couldn't digest anything. I'm seriously surprised I didn't end up with intestine problems in the hospital or something. I was looking perpetually tired, and my skin was very pale, especially when I put makeup on. It looked like I was constantly fatigued, and my hair was looking a little dull...not as shiny before, even when I went days without washing it and it should've been. I had the classic symptoms, and I refused to really believe it...but then, a tragic death in my family occurred. An aunt in our family literally dropped dead, who was close to us all.

It was a big wake up call. Because it suddenly registered, what if I'm the one who could drop dead next??? I was scared. I was just confused, and sad, and very insecure deep down. So by some miracle, I actually got better. I'm thankful I did...nobody accused me of having an ED anymore, because although I wasn't stuffing my face, I was eating a normal 800 calories a day or so, compared to 100-300, yes, only 100, before. I'm glad I woke up. Anorexia is a disease that sucks. I hope that by reading this story, people learn it's NOT COOL to be 'pro-ana' and look for 'tips' on how to be anorexic. This is dangerous. Please get help if you have this! Good luck to all my girls who have it, and who have gotten over it. Peace. <3
ukbutterfly ukbutterfly
18-21, F
Feb 12, 2011