My Eating Disorder & Low Self Esteem

I'll make this as throurough as possible without making it too long. When I was younger I (by means in which I don't feel comfortable disclosing) became young prostitute. I was one of the few boys I knew involved in such a thing. I didn't do it because I wanted to, but I couldn't get out of it. As the years went by I found myself pressured more and more to lose weight. I would see other people then look at myself (I was already underweight) and I would feel fat and unattractive. At first I would just skip a meal or two, then I would go a few days without eating, and when I did eat I would either vomit up everything or take laxitives to clear me out. Eventually I only weighed about 85 pounds, and I was 14.

My few friends showed concern, but I didn't think I had a problem. I had to be thin and attractive for someone to want me. They tried to get me to eat more, but I just couldn't do it. No matter how thin I got I always felt fat and unattractive. I didn't like what I did, I never enjoied any of it, but I wanted to be wanted by someone. If a costumer called me cute, handsome, beautiful, etc. I would be pleased, even if I hated what I had to do. Now as I stated before, I only did what I did because I had to, I actually hated it, and myself.

Many times I considered self harm, but I thought I was ugly enough so I refrained from that. I probably would have killed myself, but the only reason I was in this mess was because I had to take care of my little sister, and I couldn't bear the thought of her suffering a fate even remotely similar to mine. She was just a little girl, and we only had each other in this world, so I did what I could to keep her safe, clothed, and well fed. She mattered; I didn't. As time went on I began to loath myself more and more. When I loked in the mirror all I could see was a fat, ugly ***** who no one would ever care about. I didn't see a person, I saw a thing... something expendable.

When I was almost 17 I was caught by a cop doing my job. I was let off easy, but my sister and I were split up. She was sent into foster care, I was sent to a home for troubled youths. Even there my problems continued, I would spend my time alone, I would skip meals, and eventually I did begin cutting myself. When I say cutting I don't mean cat scrathes either; I would carve words into my skin, permentily degrading myself.

Eventually my eating disorder had taken its toll one day I passed out and later awoke in a hospital. A doctor covinced me I needed help, and I ended up in therapy. It took me months to even realize I had any sort of disorders, and a few more months to actually open up about what was wrong with me, physically and psychology. Soon enough I began to eat more regularly, and the self harm stopped. I began to accept myself as a person, and realize I was worth something.

I finally got well, and now I finally have a job, and girlfriend of 13 months. So to anyone out there suffering from anything similar, you can get out of it. Find some help and you can get better, it just takes time and he will to do so.
watsukit watsukit
18-21, M
Dec 5, 2012