Still Missing Him. Even Though I Lost Him.

Hello all.

I had a crush on my art teacher back in Middle School. At first, I had no feelings for him - other than thinking he was funny, and a nice guy. As the year went by, we became closer - nothing more than teacher and student. We'd crack jokes, and share interests. But -- he began to come on to me, like something more. He would wink at me after telling a joke, and sit close to me during class. I began to have feelings for him. Keep in mind - I was a middle schooler - and immaturity level was not full. Some stories may be a little silly:

In class, I'd do stupid things to get his attention - like laugh loud, or comment while he was telling a story. My table started off with 4 people, but one girl moved to a different table, and so did the only male at our table. So, it was me and my friend Chloe who were left. Keep this in mind. Two people left. It'll come in play a lot later. So, we used to lure him over to our table (Chloe never had a crush on him, but she played along for me), and he'd either sit next to us (me) or make faces at us, etc. I remember how happy I used to get when he'd sit right next to me - really close. I always liked that.

Also, when I was going into lunch, he was usually coming out. So we'd either smile at each other, or high-5. My friends found out that I liked him, and make it obvious around him. My friends and I, would walk into lunch together, and they'd see him and totally go nuts - jump around and laugh. He would always turn bright red, and look at me. It was hilarious.

Now, I wrote this like 500 character text message about him to my friend, and SHE SHOWED IT TO HIM. It wasn't anything too mushy, but totally inappropriate. Uncalled for, really. It said stuff like, he was a great friend, I like him a lot, blah blah.

That was when I took a little chill-pill. Tried not to stay so close, but it was hard. H-A-R-D.

(Our school year starts - September)

This happened January 29th. - His birthday. My mom had found out through facebook that I liked him on January 28th. She freaked. Next day, called the school, arranged meetings, and had me pulled out of his class, faster than you could snap your fingers.

I cannot tell you, how many times I cried hysterically over losing my best friend. No one understood, they all thought I was crazy calling him my best friend. I couldn't tell my parents - or they'd get angry. I was about ready to end my life.

In school, we would always stare at each other, and look into each other's eyes, for a few seconds, several times a day. I always saw him (lunch), and in the halls. Chloe had lost her buddy in art, and was alone. Everyone in the class, asked me where I went, and asked him. I couldn't bare to talk about it. I hated it. I hated my parents. I hated school.

I would dream about him, and wish we could talk, when we saw each other. That was the worst, the principal was hovering over us like a hawk, waiting for us to talk, and end this teacher's career.

All this continued the next year. Still the eye contact, everything. I talked to him rarely, and occasional "hi" once a month. And that took me about a few months after school started, to build up the courage to say "Hi."

We never got anywhere, conversations weren't significant. I never got to say goodbye. I still really miss him. His voice occasionally, rips through my brain at night. He shows up in my dreams. I miss him, and I hate it.

Going back to the year after the "split" - the school had organized an art show, and another art teacher asked me to help set up. I agreed. After school, we were hanging up pictures, and placing sculptures everything. The school looked amazing - with the help of all three art teachers (the crush included), and several students. After about an hour, every student left -- except me. One teacher, disappeared into his class to finish grading. And the 2nd, went to pick up stuff for the show. Two people left in 1st floor of the building - myself and him. Oh boy. It was awkward. We talked a few, he instructed me on where to hang things up. Even then, I didn't tell him how I felt. I just wish I could go back and do so.

My family, and I are moving to Pennsylvania this summer. And slight chance of us visiting. My goal is to visit the school, and talk with him. But I'm still nervous, even though it could never happen.

Thanks for reading. Any feedback appreciated.
raykaybanjo raykaybanjo
13-15, F
3 Responses Jul 11, 2010

Great story

Oh, and good luck in Pennsylvania, the Crayola Factory has some pretty sweet shirts : )

I don't know if it helps to comment now, but thanks for sharing your story. It's hard to see all of our memories plainly laid out, but it helps to realize how we feel. I had crushes on my teachers, too, like almost every other pubescent girl in history. You two may have shared feelings for each other, but he is darn lucky he kept his job. Unfortunately, there have been a lot of creeps in schools and they freak out whenever something happens, even if it is harmless. I'm sure your parents were trying to protect you, even if it sucked, they had good intentions. It's hard to understand at the time, maybe it still is, but you'll be happy to know you have people who care enough about you to make you ticked. My family did it all the time when I was in high school, and I really appreciate it now (sure as heck didn't THEN, but now I do). <br />
He may have been a first love, which is always hard to get over. But you can do it. If you want to tell him, then tell him so you won't live life regretting it. At the same time, it's been a while since the ordeal happened, and you have both changed. When you finish high school, you'll see just how big the world is. You know that a relationship is not probable at all (in some states he can't even hug you because of his age and job), but friends aren't bad. Even to have closure for a memory would help. Fix it up, and move one with your life. You are young and have a wonderful life ahead of you. You'll find a totally awesome guy when you are ready for a relationship, and it will rock your socks off. Be patient, don't stress, and be happy : ) I hope this helped a little tiny bit, I ramble a bit, but only because I care!