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Unspoken, Unwritten Agreement

  I am a senior at my high school. For over a year now, I’ve had a crush on my astronomy teacher from junior year.

I am a different kind of girl. Sure, I have my group of friends just like everyone else, but I do not connect with them. There is just too much that they would not be able to understand.

Anyway. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I can’t say I really need one.

I am usually a reclusive person. That manages to set some people off, but it doesn’t bother me all that much. The funny thing is, I am able to connect better with people older than myself. That has always been a factor, even in my younger years.

 

When I took astronomy class last year, I was more interested in learning about the stars and the universe than anything else. When I first saw Troy, my astronomy teacher, I thought he was a very pleasant person (I never call him by his first name, but I’ll use it here). He would tell us crazy stories about his college years and make class fun. It was his class that almost made me forget that I was in school every day.

He would never yell at anyone, but then again the students in my class (mostly seniors) would be too caught up staring at the planetarium above to cause any trouble.

 

Troy is in his early thirties, is married and has a small boy. My feelings for him had been platonic up until the end of the school year. I respected him because he seemed like a nice guy, but nothing else.

 

One day, after I had taken all my finals, I decided to spend my hour of journalism class with him instead.

All the seniors had already graduated, and a handful of students weren’t at school because they had also taken their finals.

I had asked Troy if I could spend my next class with him, and he had happily agreed. When I finally got to his room, we were the only ones there. That day he kept the room dark because he was projecting Sports Center on the planetarium (which is pretty cool). I grabbed an astronomy book from the shelf and sat at the end of the room, close to his desk.

I read in silence for half an hour. After that, Troy came up to me and sat on a desk right in front of me. I was surprised that he had come to talk to me, but accepted the kind gesture non the less. He started the conversation, and we talked about anything from our class, to summer plans, and future plans. He was honest and sincere, listening to everything I had to say. Somewhere along our conversation I realized that he really did care, and was truthful with me. He told me that I was a great student to have in his class – one of the best he had ever had, as a matter of fact. He also told me he had noticed that I did not talk much, and informed me that he saw no reason why I should not believe in myself.

I ended up talking to him about my parents and how, despite the fact that they have only the best in mind, they do not understand me. Surprisingly, he proceeded to tell me about his own parents, and how his father never really approved of him being a teacher.

 

We found common ground. Somehow I had been able to share more with him that day, than I had with anyone else.

At the end of class, we stood facing each other for a few seconds before moving in for a brief hug. I was going to miss him a lot during the summer.

 

Things have changed since then. Everything has become more complicated, in a way. When I came back to school for my senior year, my feelings followed. They have only been growing since the beginning of the year.

I’ve been seeing Troy almost every day since. He hasn’t forgotten about last year, and even though he isn’t my teacher any more, we talk on a regular basis.

He has, on multiple occasions, invited me to come to one of his classes whenever I have free time. Whenever we would run into each other in the hallways, he would stop and chat with me for a minute, no matter how insignificant the exchange of information was.

 

On top of that we also have lunch the same period. One day before the winter break I was feeling especially down. I had talked to him earlier in the morning, wishing I could somehow convey the fact that I was going to miss him during the vacation, but was not successful. I had wanted to hug him at least once more.

At the end of lunch we crossed paths, and Troy once again wished me a safe break. However, as he was about to turn and walk away, I reached out to him and said “Wait”.

I had never sounded so desperate in my life. He turned back to me and smiled, waiting patiently for what I was about to say.

The thoughts were racing in my mind and I had no idea what to really say. In an effort to explain myself, I told him that I wanted one last thing before we said goodbye. I was afraid of what I wanted to do, because I usually did not let people see the weaker side of me.

His response to that was an enthusiastic OK, even though he had no idea what I wanted. He then moved closer to me, not breaking eye contact even for a second. His gaze was intense – I had his full attention.

I could honestly not trust myself with talking any more. My voice was already weak, and I had run out of excuses to my strange behavior.

Just as my eyes were starting to get glossy, I moved in and embraced him.

Troy was not able to fully return the gesture because in his left arm he was carrying his laptop. But he managed to, very gently, place his arm around my waist, as I had placed my own arms around his shoulders.

We stood like this for a few seconds. I closed my eyes in order to capture the moment before it was gone. Then I let go and stepped back, aware that other students were around.

 

I am sure he already knows how I feel about him, mainly because I am so obvious. But even if he does, I will never tell him, because I care for him too much. I respect him as married man, just as I respect him as a person.

I am sure that, with this knowledge, he sometimes has a hard time facing me. Some days we manage to ignore each other completely. I understand the reasons, and I give him his space even though it hurts me to.

However, we always manage to come back. It is like an unspoken, unwritten agreement that sets things straight between us. At the end of the day, his smile is the only thing that matters. 

IronLotus IronLotus 18-21, F 22 Responses Feb 15, 2010

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I feel you

I'm just really glad you honored his marriage with his wife. That to me is HUGE, especially with how you say you are very reclusive amongst others. That is a fantastic trait to have; Honor.

You will most definitely find a great Love one day that'll return it, greatly. You've shown here, not weakness, but remarkable Strength. And he too, if he also felt the same way about you. Even so, not taking advantage of the situation and just having that understanding...

*Sniff**sniff*... sorry, there's just... the common cold and onions in front of me...

Fantastic story so thank you for sharing. It is good that both of you are keeping it platonic for the time being. He certainly doesn't want to be viewed as taking advantage of a young woman. Who knows - maybe after you graduate something will develop much to the chagrin of his wife unfortunately, but it's tough to stop your heart sometimes.

For some reason, I think its because I'm going through something very similar, this made me cry. I guess because a teacher that I don't speak to as much as you seemed to speak to yours, is someone I seem to be incredibly fond of, and I don't really know why. Like you, I connect way more with older people. But it doesn't explain why I like my teacher - we never talk. I know he respects and is proud of me, mainly for my music, art and literature taste (most students at my school are into mainstream, where I'm into dream pop), I think that's a factor. Also, he's in a really great band. Also, the fact that we were very intimate at a gig we went to without realising the other was there, makes me feel I connect to him. I guess your story made me cry because I probably won't see him again in less than a year, and more than anything else, I'd like a hug. One hug and I'd be fine.

I have a massive crush on a geography teacher at my school too. It's been two years since he last taught me, but he still stops to talk to me in the hallway. I've had tiny crushes on good looking teachers before, but this is different. You can tell that he really cares about his pupils and I find myself wanting him to care about me. I hope that when I leave school, I'll also leave behind my feeling for him. Because it hurts every time I even think about him. The other day he told me that he thought I was one of the smartest girls in the year and it left me thrilled but also, strangely upset and angry. At first, talking to him and being with him made me happy, but now it only brings me sadness

That's so sweet!!! He sounds like a great teacher, and a good looking man! I think you handled the situation well, at least better than I wouldve.

is this by chance about troy mccurdy?

Thank you for your story, it brought back many memories of my own 'Troy' when I was younger. Remembering the intensity of how I felt about my Geography teacher all those years ago made me realize that I haven't changed a lot as far as how passionate I can be when it comes to matters of the heart. That was quite a nice thing, to know that the fire that used to burn inside me so intensely for him has remained a part of me, of course now it burns for my husband instead, same passion just different person. Wish you well whatever happens :-)

Great story and I sympathize 100 percent, PS Love your icon, Lolita is a classic :)

I can relate. I'm a rather reclusive person. I have always enjoyed the company of people much older than me. I have a few close friends of my age but that's it. I've had many teacher crushes in my life and continue to (I'm in grad school). Never a romantic relationship, just good friends with many teachers. I think some of them were aware of my crush, but I have since learned to be much more subtle and professional.<br />
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Schools are professional places. While I frequently hug many older married men who are my platonic friends, I have never hugged a teacher/professor. I have never seen anyone else does it either. I guess it would look quite suspicious...<br />
<br />
Anyway. After a decade of having teacher crushes, I invented some rules for myself to follow. Because it is absolutely inappropriate/against school regulations/even illegal to get involved with a teacher, I resist certain expectations. For instance I can allow occasional playful flirting, but never expectation to go beyond friendship. If your teacher finds out about your feelings but they don't feel that way about you, it gets awkward. If he/she does feel the same way and a relationship begins, you could both get into trouble, but mostly the teacher.<br />
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As to your situation, I think he's worried about you. He definitely cares about you and maybe he want things to go back to friendly and not awkward. It may be difficult to tuck your feelings away, but even if you can't do it, send him a message to reassure him that you are fine. Crushes will go away eventually, if you don't see him long enough...

Beautiful Experience... darling i know exactly how you feel. You gave him more of you than you had given to anyone in your life... your thoughts, your soul, your whole mind... and he returned the gesture beautifully... you shared your thoughts intimately and he did the same... .... the silence before you leave is almost unbearable dear... one silent look says it all, and i'm sure he knows of your feelings for him... a secret love...the feeling is probably mutual.. even though he may hide it in the dark depths of his head... he thinks of you and that's worth a million. :)<br />
Dear... let's just say i've been there and back. :) if you need to talk about it... i'm here. :)

Beautiful Experience... darling i know exactly how you feel. You gave him more of you than you had given to anyone in your life... your thoughts, your soul, your whole mind... and he returned the gesture beautifully... you shared your thoughts intimately and he did the same... .... the silence before you leave is almost unbearable dear... one silent look says it all, and i'm sure he knows of your feelings for him... a secret love...the feeling is probably mutual.. even though he may hide it in the dark depths of his head... he thinks of you and that's worth a million. :)<br />
Dear... let's just say i've been there and back. :) if you need to talk about it... i'm here. :)

i think you just completely summed up how it is between me and my teacher in a more mature way. i hope everything goes well for you, whether its just being friends . it really helped reading your story. (: <br />
thanks.

Wow, it seems like he really cares about you. He definitely considers your feelings. I'm in a similar situation to this, and have been for almost three years now. It's hard, but exhilarating.

@ Iron lotus- Your story is amazing and very similar to mine. When I was in 4th grade I had a crush on my science teacher and always spent a lot of time with her. As time went by I started liking her a lot. I would hug her sometimes even kiss her on her cheeks. I guess she liked it, because she always smiled..as years went by I still liked her, but I found it hard to spend a lot of time with her because she was no longer teaching me , so I could not spend time with her in her office. I still managed to say hi now and then and give a hug...I could no longer kiss her because I realized that could take a different turn. During my last two years in school, I hardly saw her, I was busy and we spent very little time together. I still remember meeting her at school and she asked if i forgot her..sadly I forgot her, but never completely. I felt really bad and we spoke for few minutes...that was the last time I spoke to her. After this I was graduating next year and I wanted to see her, but after the school break I learned that she left the school..I felt really bad that I could not talk to her and wish her...This was like nearly 5 back..Now I am in college and today i suddenly remembered I had a crush on my teacher for years and I forgot her for so many years..Its sad but thats how it ended...<br />
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I read your post and it is something very similar i went through..she really liked me, but I had to keep some distance from her because I didn't want any rumors spreading around...and I am glad nothing of that sort happened. But my advice would be to keep some distance form your teacher because your teacher will be blamed for everything, even though it is not only his problem. At least for his sake you need to keep a distance, but still make sure you talk to him...because once you move out of school, it will never be the same.

I have had the same experience. its kinda crazy chris was a english teacher, he had a wife and had a boy to. R story was the same as ur story he was there for me, but i just want to let you know and hopefully help you from NOT doing what i did. We began a relationship, and i fell in love and i think he did 2. but it did not end on good terms people spread roomers and he lost his job that was before back when we just talked. and it was not fun, all i am trying to say is be careful it may look amazing but plz just be friends and make sure no one could question what your doing. at least during school. plz!

haha ^^ same here i seem to get along with adults more than my friends...

Somehow I managed to "back off" yesterday... I managed to steer clear of him, and even found other things to occupy my thoughts with.<br />
<br />
In fact, everything was going great until the end of my lunch period. That is when he showed up. I was just about to leave the cafeteria with my sister and my friend, as our classes are in the same direction.<br />
I was sitting on our lunch table and turned only to find him walking towards us -- but he was looking at me. His eyes seemed to beam with happiness, but it was one that I couldn't return.<br />
In a very "unlike me" kind of way I looked away and stood from the table, grabbed my apple drink and bag, and turned to walk away with the others following. Troy was making a joke about how we were the "3 troublemakers" (me and my sister had class with him last year - our friend has class with him this year) but as soon as he noticed me walking away without saying anything he followed close by. I wanted to disappear, or scream just to let it all out. I wanted to take his hand and say that I am sorry, but I remained quiet. <br />
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When we reached the cafeteria doors, suddenly he was beside me, holding the door open for me. I said "Thank you" but didn't look at him. My sister then started talking to him, mainly because she rarely sees him. I walked behind them, wishing I could say something like I normally do, but the words died before even being formed.<br />
When we reached the intersection to where all four of us had to part, he stopped, turned to me and said "All of you have a great weekend" placing great emphasis on 'all'. He was looking at me, and this time he didn't seem as happy as he did before.<br />
<br />
I could see it in his eyes - he knew that there was something wrong. We looked at each other as if we were the only ones aware of some great secret, and we kept it quiet. All I could do was smile bitterly before walking away.

I don't think it sounds bad, I actually think it is quite mature of you to think of it like that. It shows you care about him. One of the hardest things we have to learn to do is to put others ahead of ourselves - especially when doing so causes us pain and unhappiness. It shouldn't have to be like that, but because of society, religion, etc. it is what we expect people to do. Perhaps someday we will live in a society where people are not so closed minded and judgemental - but that will be a long time in the making, I'm sure. <br />
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For now, take comfort in knowing that you do this because you love him and care for him - that it is best for him. :)

Thanks for your comment KnightBlade - I understand completely what you are saying, and I will take up your advice.<br />
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My school isn't know for spreading nasty rumors, and I am friends with most of the teachers there. Still, I will be cautious because, as you said, all it takes is a misjudgment in order to cause a great deal of pain.<br />
I feel as though I should back off... at least for now, mainly because I am afraid for him. He is an absolutely great teacher, and as bad as this sounds, his status is more important than the feelings I have for him.

Hi IronLotus. I had to come check out your profile after your comment on my story. As I read this, I understood what you felt and wrote and why you ended up commenting on my story. I loved your story/experience. Yet, as I read it, I was filled with fear as I'm sure you can understand. But, more than that, I guess it makes me upset. Upset that in this society, we are so quick to judge, so quick to condemn. <br />
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Here, you've found someone who means a lot to you. Someone who you respect, admire, and care about and it seems that he cares for you as well in some way. I caution you though to be careful. While my experience was particular to my school, there are always people in every place who view even the more casual friendship between a teacher and student as something to be condemned. <br />
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I don't mean to sound mean, but, I would caution you against hugging him even though in your heart it seems ok and it's what you want/need. It is so very easy for rumors to start even from something innocent and as you know from my story, it sometimes doesn't matter what the truth it or if anything "wrong" took place to cause a lot of pain and destruction.<br />
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That being said, I'm glad you found someone who makes you feel good about yourself and makes you happy. Just be careful and remember a) he's your teacher and b) he's married. I'm sure you know all this and don't need me to say it but it's easy for your heart to take control of your mind. :)

you are right KNIGHTBLADE, in telling her to be careful in whatever you do esp. inside the campus. Anything can spread like fire in a matter of seconds. It doesnt matter whose life it is ruined, think of the boy who needs his father to look after him until he is old enough to be on his own. How is it going to happen if his father dismissed in disgrace from the school? Dont be a selfish person. Love your teacher with respect and not destroy him by getting involved. It is wrong to love a "married" man. It should be your mind controls your heart. Think before you do it.

That he is :)

oh wow....he sounds really gorgeous!