Learning French Has Been The Driving Force Behind My Love Life.

I was honestly getting worried that I am not normal. At 17 years old, with no first kiss, I felt like maybe there was something utterly wrong with me. Like maybe since I hadn't had my first kiss in middle school, I was a freak. I didn't feel pressured to hook up with any random guy willing to kiss me- I didn't want to look back and regret it, after all, you do only get one first kiss. I remember thinking "If i'm waiting this long, my first kiss ought to be out of this world."
The thought was definetly on my mind, expecially when everyone around me was WAY ahead of kissing, which was like a 7th grade thing. Anyways, the summer of 2012 was coming to an end and with one week left before senior year, I honestly didn't think anything exciting had time to happen. Then it was one of those random things - my mom decided we needed to take one last family vacation before I ran off to college and the adult world. So we did.
The first night was as normal as any family vacation- sun, sand and food. Then, the next morning, it was like the universe heard me or something. I was chilling in the pool when I heard someone singing "call me maybe" with a French accent at the top of his lungs. I couldn't resist giggling to myself and decided to be social. So i casually swam over and began singing in French. At first I thought maybe he wouldn't hear me, but sure enough he did. It started up a conversation, and I was just beginning to wonder if maybe I had hit the jackpot when the dude goes "oh yea, here come my friends". I had a chance to turn around, and spotted 3 of the most attractive guys I have personally ever laid eyes on walking directly to the pool. I had about 2 seconds to check them out before they splashed me in the face as they simultaneously dove into the pool. They were all obviously very interested in who I was, and we ended up getting drinks together, all 5 of us. I honestly was not expecting anything out of this- but I guess that's exactly why it happened. I particularly clicked with one of the 3 singer's friends, and he asked me if i wanted to go to the disco that night.
Of course I did.
We went, and some of his friends tagged along but ended up ditching us after we completely departed into our own world of conversation. We went outside, and lyed down on a huge mat (i have no idea why they have these things- well ok, maybe specifically for the purpose we used it for) in a little enclosure outside the disco. He put his arm around me, and we built up the suspense and then... BAM. I knew it was the perfect moment. And when he kissed me, I was all giddy and tingly. It wasn't awkard, or stiff, or gross. It was totally amazing. It could arguably be hormones. But to me, it was the best moment I could have ever asked for. He was well older than me, he said he was 20 but my better judgement told me he wasn't exactly truthful. I don't know. I don't really care. I WANTED to kiss him, not to say that I had my first kiss but becaue I FELT like it. I was probably the millionth girl he kissed, or maybe I did mean something to him- either way. I don't think I'll ever really know the answers to the questions that constantly run through my mind. Anyways, he was French, so he really knew what he was doing in the French kissing department. I was so glad his friends weren't there watching, or anyone taking pictures. I just wanted to kiss him. It was pretty long, i'd say about 3 minutes and then again on and off. I poured so much emotion into kissing a total stranger I had just met that day, and as wierd as that sounds, I actually FELT it. I wasn't trying to be all sexual or seductive or anything, but I just had so much passion and love to give to him in that moment. I guess he felt it, because he smiled as we kissed, pulled me closer and stroked my face with his finger, sending goose bumps all over my body.
The fact that my parents made it streneously difficult to be with him and the fact that this made me insanely angry because even though i had come on vacation with them, I really don't consider myself a child at 17. I made it work. I would see him, talk to him, and of course, have my fair share of kissing him. I guess there's never enough time- I do wish I had more. He did not pressure me to go farther- he simply casually implied that he would be open to it. What shocked me was that my first thought was not "no, I'm not losing my virginity at 17 to a total stranger" it was "****, if my parents realize ive gone a-wall then I DEFINETLY will not be able to see him at all" I wonder if I should have done it because even though my friends say I would have regretted it I don't think I would have. I guess I'll never know that. I wonder if I'll ever see him again, and if it was a summer fling or the real thing- because I don't really know and I'm not close minded to either of those ideas. I wonder where things could have gone if i'd had more time with him, or if we didn't live on opposite ends of the world. Returning home, to life, to reality- it's been really hard. I can't stop thinking about him, and rewinding to the times we had together. I wonder if i'll ever truly get over it. It's hard to beleive it's been almost a month since the whole fairy tale. I feel like the wound of just leaving him there is still fresh. I think about it alot- replaying moments in my head, and imagining others. I guess it's probably just lust for more- a lust that could probably never be satisfied. In fact, the more time I had with him, the more time I wanted. Distance seems so unimportant yet such a huge factor. It's totally impossible to overcome, but the feelings are still there regardless of what I try to convince myself of.
On the bright side, I couldn't have been luckier with the first kiss I got- it was definetly out of this world, and I'm so glad to have a REAL story, not the "oh- i was 12 and it was a dare". kind of thing.
Loveisalive Loveisalive
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 8, 2012

Didn't you exchange phone numbers or e-mails ? Did you atleast know his name ? Yea that was like in the movies , better cherich that moment .

Yes, of course. It's been a year and we still talk. I obviously don't know what goes on over there but it's as passionate and heartfelt as it was when we first met.

Awww that's such a sweet story :) Like a fairy tale within ordinary life

If only it didn't hurt so much that I have to accept letting go :(

The Letting Go is the hard part but as you continue walking along through your present Life, you realize a few things you didn't before. That awkwardness of not having kissed a person before is gone, you've had a experience many would gladly have wished happened to them, and you are learning more and more of yourself.

The pain will not go away all at once over night, but after a few weeks, you'll start noticing a few more attractive eyes on you than before :)

Thing is, I'm not a very shy person, so it's not like I was insecure. The right moment just hadn't come around so early. I just miss him so much... That feeling. I'm not even aware or any other possibilities around me.

It'll take a while before you do realize them :)

Indulge in them and if you want them again, the Universe shall answer your call.


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