Not Meant To Be


Hey, I just wanted to say hi


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11:09 PM
Lily:



Don't know if you're online, but I was about to reply to your message you sent me. I hope you are well and I just wanted to tell you that I forgive you. That crap hurted me and I think I had a mini stroke. My face started to twitch and I only thought about all those pretty words that were just passed between us. I was also scared to read anymore of the IMs because I thought it couldn't erase what had transpired. It hurted and I'm still hurting, but I'll get over it because I want to be happy. I want you to be happy too. Not trying to lay a guilt trip.. its just how I feel.


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11:14 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I am online and I know Lily, I KNOW, I wouldn't or wouldn't have done anything to upset you. I am so sorry if I hurt you. I felt I was being open and let's be real, I am pretty smart guy, do you really, honestly think I would throw anything like that in your face? No, honey, I am not that bold nor will I do anything that crass unless you flaunted a guy in front of me and you ******** naked, but, i know you wouldn't do that. I am so sorry baby, really.


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11:24 PM
Lily:



I appreciate the openess, but why then I mean at that moment after what we talked about. I felt that we had crossed a crossroad. It just made me think about what you said the day before "So many girls chasing me"...and then that night this girl is stalking you??? Why?? I know the business you are in and I know that you may do business with them and so on and so forth, but it did look like you were trying to tell me something...iI ain't gonna chase no man and I definately don't have the strength to be jealous. However if a man is with me telling me that he loves me then there is no room for bullshit, games, or lying.


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11:26 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I am not trying to play games with you, nor bullshit you or lie to you for that fact. Once again, I am sorry.


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11:28 PM
Lily:



Its okay..alright, its done. I forgive you. How was your day?


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11:28 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Peaceful, how was yours?


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11:32 PM
Lily:



Good. My neighbor is moving out and my boy and her son played together, which was really good for my boy. I cooked dinner and hung out with my nieces, we're planning on going to the park tomorrow. I am looking forward to that. I like the swings. Other then that I'm good. How's gabby, is she doing better?


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11:33 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



yeah, she is doing better. Thanks for asking


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11:35 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Hey Lily, you ever heard of this guy, maybe you haven't, but he goes by the name "Forerunner777"?


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11:36 PM
Lily:



No who is he?


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11:37 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Someone you may like. He is a really deep character.

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheForerunner777



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11:38 PM
Lily:



Tell me a little about him before I check him out. Who is he and how do you know him?


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11:39 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I don't know him personally, but, he is very religious and the guy seems to have a lot of wisdom. i don't totally agree about EVERYTHING, but, he is really good to have caught my attention for about an hour and a half


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11:40 PM
Lily:



When did you run into him?


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11:41 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I was looking for something on youtube and all of a sudden, I bumped into his page and then one story lead to another and next thing I know, I got hooked


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11:41 PM
Lily:



Is he a preacher?


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11:42 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Something of that sort, you can say that. Not sure if he is ordained or not, but, the guy is really good


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11:42 PM
Lily:



Let me hear what he has to say...


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11:42 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



k


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11:46 PM
Lily:



I'm listening to the fourth wheel.

He has a great voice.


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11:49 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I thought you would lik him, :-)

like


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11:50 PM
Lily:



I'm waiting on his teaching...so far so good he's talking about GOD


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11:51 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I'm just telling you up front, I am nothing like that, so....I'm just saying. I'm just me


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11:51 PM
Lily:



All we can be is be ourselves.

Just be yourself and everything will be alright.


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11:54 PM
Lily:



I believe what he is saying that in these last days that the medium of technology is a great way to get the truth out there.


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11:54 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



That's right


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11:55 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



OMG


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11:55 PM
Lily:



What?


……………………………………………………………………


11:55 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



You are something else, you are just....wow


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11:56 PM
Lily:



What?


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11:56 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I just read your message and I gotta tell you something... Please...DON'T..take precaution



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11:57 PM
Lily:



Okay. What do you wanna tell me?


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11:58 PM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I sat here for a couple of days straight, scared to talk to you and I just stared at your name online. I wanted to say something so bad, but, I know you wanted to breathe.


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2/27/2010


12:00 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I even put a post out and sent my love. You probably didn't catch it, but I said " I love you MO"


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12:01 AM
Lily:



I saw it and at first I didn't catch it, but after I read it again I was like I can't believe he did that. And you said Love you MO. Either way it was nice.


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12:03 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Read this very carefullt honey, I know you said you forgive me and we buried whatever went on, but, I will make a solemn promise to you right now, I won't talk like that to anyone anymore

my guilt was that I entertained it and that was enough and I won't do that


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12:07 AM
Lily:



Okay, but I shouldn't hold you to anything because we are gonna be good friends.


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12:20 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I have to ask you because this is really getting to me


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12:20 AM
Lily:



Okay ask.


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12:23 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Throughout our talks and our occasion we had and the time-outs, you say things like this all the time. You ask me not to send mix messages, but, i really think that is a mixed message to say that you should hold me to anything because we are gonna be good friends, it just seems a little "confusing".

you shouldn't hold


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12:25 AM
Lily:



How is it confusing to you? I really want to know so I can correctly explain myself.


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12:26 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Well, I guess I am going off the message you sent me at 11:09


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12:27 AM
Lily:



Yeah okay so how am I sending you mixed messages?


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12:28 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



nevermind, just nevermind


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12:29 AM
Lily:



I will I be able to tell you what I mean if you don't...Just try to explain yourself to me. What are your thoughts on the matter?


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12:34 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



nothing

we just got back to talking, so, I am not trying to spoil the moment


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12:37 AM
Lily:



I like to talk things out its fair and it helps to clear up a situation where both parties can get a chance of getting things off their chest so tell me how did I send mixed messages? Get it off your chest. Okay. You CAN talk to me.


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12:40 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I don't know, one minute, I feel like you digging me and the next minute, its like "naaaaaw, we just friends". I am not trying to push anything, so....


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12:41 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I have to shave. I am starting to look like the wizard of oz


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12:47 AM
Lily:



After what happened, I feel scared and I'm hurt. My heart is fluttering in my chest and I honestly was thinking that I couldn't talk to you because it does seem like a rollercoaster with us. I'm scared that you are gonna hurt me and I'm taking it as a sign that we should be friends. I'm at a lose to tell you how I feel, but I am scared and I am hurt. I'm sad and my heart is literally hurting in my chest. I don't know how to handle this.


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12:54 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



let's talk. first of all hon, do you remember when I told you that if you ever felt like something is going to wrong, just don't think about it meaning that don't entertain the thought. Now, its clear to me, you have mixed emotions and I really don't think its my fault. I only follow what you display. I am not trying to confuse you nor hurt you, but, if you feel that, I understand. I am not in the mix of trying to convince anyone but the person I will marry. I am happy just talking to you. I meant EVERYTHING I said to you prior to telling you about who I was talking to. Why get mad that I just TALK to someone if we are just friends? Maybe I am idiot savant in this area, but, it sounds to me that you just want to be friends and you know, I am seriously too mature to fight over beans that I haven't even seen yet


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12:57 AM
Lily:



Alright


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1:02 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



it doesn't neagate the fact that I am crazy about you. i can'thelp my inner feelings, but, I am not trying to punish myself if it starts on shaky ground because its going to be that way if it starts that way. So, follow your natural gut, :-) I am not bitter nor am I upset


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1:11 AM
Lily:



Why get mad that I just TALK to someone if we are just friends? Now, its clear to me, you have mixed emotions and I really don't think its my fault. I only follow what you display.


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1:20 AM
Lily:



I'm not angry if you talk to another woman wheither she be a fan or a friend. What bothers me is the nature of the conversation and when you said soo many girls are chasing you right now it just made me wonder what you're doing? Why say something like that after I already feel hesitant about you ALREADY being in a relationship! My mixed emotions are because of what is happening between us. Yes, one minute I do feel you and I want to be with you and then the next minute something happens and it puts us back at zone one...the friend zone. It is your fault because how would you feel if I said Carl, I have this guy that just moved in next door and he is diggin on me and he asked me out, however there is all this potential for us, but there is the distance and the FACT that we are not TECHNICALLY together. How would that make you feel after vibing with somebody that yeah I LOVE you and I'm making steps to be near you?? ITS A SLAP IN TH FACE AND I WONDER WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT???


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1:24 AM
Lily:



What exactly are you looking for? What is this to you, is it a way out from your current relationship? Is this a jedi trick to test your emotions or mine to see if one or the other is ready for REAL love/relationship?? I can't and I'm not confused and I know that right now this is best. Oh yeah what did you mean by:Maybe I am idiot savant in this area, but, it sounds to me that you just want to be friends and you know, I am seriously too mature to fight over beans that I haven't even seen yet. What do you mean by that?? Just asking....


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1:25 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Yes, one minute I do feel you and I want to be with you and then the next minute something happens and it puts us back at zone one...the friend zone. It is your fault because how would you feel if I said Carl, I have this guy that just moved in next door and he is diggin on me and he asked me out, however there is all this potential for us, but there is the distance and the FACT that we are not TECHNICALLY together.


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1:26 AM
Lily:



How would you feel if I said something like that to you AFTER telling you I LOVE YOU??


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1:32 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



The same way I would feel if I recieve we are just friends. i could tell you "I Love You" all day long. I told you before as a matterof fact, if you need some, i understand or you didn't catch that. Lily, first, let me explain the statement you asked me about. I meant that I am bright in many areas accept relationships. I don't read personal signals too well. at the same time, i am not going to fight to get you to trust and love me, not now. secondly, if you expressed that to me and you told me this guy was stalking you AND you showed me the conversation, to me, it showed that you had nothing to hide and as a matter of fact, i would trust your *** even more BECAUSE you had the audacity to do that. That's what GOOD FRIENDS do. They share **** and they love one another. And wear you get this **** that there are so many girls chasing me? I wasn't speaking of now, it MAY happen.


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1:53 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



No matter what I say, I just got too comfortable and it was just wrong timing that I blurted that someone was stalking me out to you. First of all, I am nobody. I am not famous and I am not rich (yet). I am just a soul tapping into another soul and I love how my soul feels with you her, especially when you are happy. Yeah, it would bother me a little bit if you so happen to want to screw the guy next door if there was one or whatever, but, there is little I can say about it. I see where you are coming from though. I got it


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1:54 AM
Lily:



huh

wait


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1:55 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I was commenting to your statement


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1:55 AM
Lily:



hold on


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1:55 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



k


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1:59 AM
Lily:



How would you feel if I said something like that to you AFTER telling you I LOVE YOU?? The same way I would feel if I recieve we are just friends. i could tell you "I Love You" all day long. I told you before as a matterof fact, if you need some, i understand or you didn't catch that.


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2:01 AM
Lily:



Okay I see what love means to you and its cool. I don't need sex...I want sex, but with my hubbie.


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2:03 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I told you that. I love EVERYONE. I love certain people more than others, but, now, I want to be IN LOVE


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2:06 AM
Lily:



Yes you did. You also said that you love on different levels what are these levels? Why so many? Is being in love a different plane for you? How?


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2:09 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



levels 1-3. 1. Hi, bye. 2. hi, what do you need. 3. I am there for you if want or need anything I could possibly assist you with. This only goes into listening to problems and occasionally, lending money. Why so many is because I learned that everyone doesn't deserve my treatment. being IN LOVE is so special and sacred that you feel that you have another you walking and you are not worried because you trust and love yourself.


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2:16 AM
Lily:



Okay, well I use it 2 ways I love as a good friend and I'm glad that you're in my life and the other way is the deeper love I love you and I can't live without you, type of love. For me being in love is the deepest plane any of us (if we're lucky/blessed enough) to experience is what I like to call the soul mate love. You feel them, know what their thinking and when the get ready to leave to go their way be it to work or wherever you feel empty and torn inside. Like a part of you just died.


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2:17 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



you said the same thing I said sweetie, I was just being concised about it.


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2:18 AM
Lily:



I like to keep it simple. What does concise mean?


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2:18 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



to use few words to describe something


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2:20 AM
Lily:



You are a brainiac...


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2:21 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



lol, no, I use these words often and periodically, I relate back to the dictionary to remind myself of their meanings and after you use it so much, you just remember the meaning. Thanks for the compliment though


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2:22 AM
Lily:



Your Welcome, I did mean it as a compliment!! So when you say you love me how do you mean it?


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2:23 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



that was the question I was awaiting, :-0

:-)


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2:23 AM
Lily:



I knew you were playing Jedi mind tricks..


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2:23 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



no baby, I can't fight and look stupid, that's all


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2:24 AM
Lily:



Alright can you answer the question...

please


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2:24 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



yes, :-)


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2:26 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I love you on a deeper level as where as I don't want to go a day without talking or acknowledging that you are alive


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2:26 AM
Lily:



#3 then


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2:26 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I feel so spirited and peaceful when we talk

yeah, number 3


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2:27 AM
Lily:



Okay, Good!! I know where I stand with you on the love ladder.


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2:28 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Still friends, but, now, I have a deeper interest and its not on the everyday radar


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2:29 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



You know, you have friends that you will go to bat for, but you are not ******* them. That's my level 3 with a very few selective. So, when I say you are off the radar, this means that I can't give you a level because you may not have one


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2:31 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Its funny because I had the weirdest thoughts about us today, but, um, it was just my thoughts


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2:33 AM
Lily:



Alright, how is the album going?

What are you gonna do for your 3 day birthday celebration?


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2:35 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



album is ******, needs major work in audio and I am not sure. everyone seems to **** me off at the same time my birthday comes around.


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2:39 AM
Lily:



The album will be fine, you know that! I heard snippets and I think its brillant. I'm not a huge fan of hip hop, but I thought from what I heard it sounds REALLY good, that's why I think you should put a lil sample of it on here so people can brace themselves. Don't let anyone bother you now..in a couple days it'll trully be small beans. It won't matter what the problem is and people (if they have any heart) will help you celebrate your birthday and smile with you.


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2:40 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Okay, I have to ask you this because I want to clear the air okay? You don't have to answer


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2:41 AM
Lily:



Ask


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2:43 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



what's up baby? really, I am over here and I don't have to perform riddles or anything. I need you. I, really NEED you. I can't do this one minute friends and next minute soul mates. What's up baby doll?


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2:47 AM
Lily:



You don't need me Carl. I can't do it either I know we will be better as chat buddies. I'm not trying to hurt you or make you feel bad before your birthday its just that we are different. I love and you love differently, I mean why so many levels and I think its a bit confusing..I like you as a friend. You're strong and ambitious, but not for me.


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2:48 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



its not confusing. I love the same way you love, I just had a different way of expressing it.


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2:48 AM
Lily:



Concisely


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2:48 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



exactly

you want the long version, i can give it to you


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2:58 AM
Lily:



You honestly think saying (Hi and Bye) is a way to love?? And level 2, Hi what do you need? (I personally think you're setting yourself up with that one.) I remember you saying how some people just come to you when they need something and I don't like moochers like that, but after seeing that its one of your levels of love I'm understanding why. That's why I say its confusing because for you its these different levels and these levels pretain to certain people. Why not just have associates, friends, good friends, then "Your Dog" or "Homie" (meaning you two are straight up partners no matter what) you can care for them like I think you care about your fans. They believe in you and like you. They care about your music that is why they support you. Their your MySpace friends and they care. But love is a powerful word and for some of us it means something deeper and more everlasting. That's just me though, I like to keep things short and simple.


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3:03 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Michelle, in your meaning and in all, I love you, short and simple. Just because I love you, doesn't mean I will receive the same notion. I was just telling you how I felt. I am not expecting you to reciprocate the same feeling as of now. On the same note, most of ALL our talks are good and it seemed like I push the issue, so, i set myself up for failure with you because you already told me that I wasn't for you, yet in still, when we talk and I give you my true feelings, then you show our true feelings. I am not the one that keeps going back and forth, its actually you sweetie.


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3:05 AM
Lily:



Okay fine. I'm krazy!

I just read the convo you had with champagne and why did you send her to my page??


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3:06 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I didn't

she sent herself


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3:07 AM
Lily:



What do you mean?


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3:09 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



means she was curious on who I was talking to that was so interesting and I don't know why, she found the blog I sent to you by tracking my blogs on my page. Since its only I think 2, She read it and determined that I loved you and I tried to divert the attention by denying that it was you. I don't know her like that, so, it was just my way of protecting us


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3:11 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



And yeah, you are Krazy, :-)...I'm just saying


……………………………………………………………………


3:19 AM
Lily:



You said you hit a button and she asked why did you send me a link to my page? And you said I hit a button sorry. So you were talking to her while you were talking to me. At the same time. Why didn't you just tell her to bugger off? And what's up with saying "Why does it feel like we ****** and it was good and now you can't get over it?" Why plant something like that in her head and make her think about sexing you??? And then she says Okay. I mean the sexual tension is amazing!


……………………………………………………………………


3:20 AM
Lily:



I think its fair that since she knows who I am I should know who she is. Just to be fair.


……………………………………………………………………


3:21 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



like I told you before, I was guilty for entertaining the conversation and I did apologize for that and yeah, you should know who she is, but, I said it wasn't you, so, if you want to reveal that, that's on you. no problem. We just friends anyway


……………………………………………………………………


3:23 AM
Lily:



Yes you apologized and how would she know I visited her page unless you tell her? No I don't know her and she won't know I'm even there...right?


……………………………………………………………………


3:24 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I am with you, to me. No, I won't tell her


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3:25 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



and no, she won't know unless she has a "See who viewed you" feature in which I doubt it


……………………………………………………………………


3:27 AM
Lily:



Why are you hesitating on sending me the link??

She must be a ******** or a **** star with a name like Champagne??


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3:28 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I thought you knew how to get there


……………………………………………………………………


3:28 AM
Lily:



NOBODY is that fun year round.


……………………………………………………………………


3:28 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



wait a minute


……………………………………………………………………


3:28 AM
Lily:



How would I know Carl if I said before I don't know her?????


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3:29 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Here you go again. mix messages. What the heck are you so jealous about? we are just chat buddies? Quit playing!! hod on girl, let me find her link


……………………………………………………………………


3:31 AM
Lily:



I'm not sending you mix messages, I'm keeping it real. I have feelings too. After all those pretty words and then that crap happens, my feelings are justified. I'm not jealous of anybody who names themselve after a beverage. She must be a lush.


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3:32 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



so, you have feelings for me? its more than just a chat buddy? let me know, please. I believe that much


……………………………………………………………………


3:33 AM
Lily:



Where is her link, Carl?

Let me see who Ms Champagne is??


……………………………………………………………………


3:33 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



http://www.myspace.com/champagne117



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3:39 AM
Lily:



Your in her Pet File why?

"Talented Pet"


……………………………………………………………………


3:40 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Lily, I have NO idea what the hell a Pet file is let alone knowing that I was in hers


……………………………………………………………………


3:41 AM
Lily:



I'm glad that she's into school and a good mom. You didn't see it?? WOW, yeah in there with 7 other dudes...sexy dude, very very sexy dude...and so on and so forth.

Why do you think she got you under talented pet??


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3:42 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



maybe because I am talented?

I do music, that's my only explanation

other than that, I don't know


……………………………………………………………………


3:43 AM
Lily:



Why did you kiss her??


……………………………………………………………………


3:43 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



huh


……………………………………………………………………


3:44 AM
Lily:



Yeah, I got computer skills too and I see where you kissed her a few times...why?


……………………………………………………………………


3:45 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



Honey, I know have very good computer skills and if I did, it was awhile back and the only time I would probably do that is if I like someone's profile as far as their words and how its expressed in a kind of innocent manner. Nothing personal though


……………………………………………………………………


3:46 AM
Lily:



A kiss is very personal though, kinda intimate...did you two have a thing?


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3:47 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



no Michelle, never, ever


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3:47 AM
Lily:



Why so many times though?

Looks to me that you were trying to get her attention...she's kinda cute.


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3:48 AM
C. Gode' Hard…:



I wasn't trying to get anyone's attention Michelle. I was only responding to gesture, a friendly gesture


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3:50 AM
C.

lilyiam07 lilyiam07
31-35, F
Feb 27, 2010