Not Me, Or Is It?

I've had a pretty difficult life. I was diagnosed with having depression as a teen but I was always able to control it. On Sept 15, 06 I found out that I was pregnant. I was nervous...I had a miscarriage with the previous one in March, 06. I had a normal pregnancy and gave birth to my beautiful son on May 16, 07. I was having a difficult time adjusting to his schedule and I felt so alone all the time. After a few weeks, I woke up to my sons cries.  As I was feeding him...there was a sudden strong urge to hurt him! I was so scared! I fought and fought and cried out to God for his help. I've never once experienced anything so intense. I ignored it and it got worse over time. I thought I was possessed or something because it wasn't me. I am still experiencing some of the thoughts. I feel like the worst person in the world. I am on medication but I forget to take it often. I have become extremely lethargic and unmotivated within the past month. That's the thing that worries me the most. I am paranoid most of the time and I feel like something bad is going to happen. With me being so sleepy and all, I start to think that I have a physical condition that might harm me. I have so many other things that are adding on to my depression. I am the only one working and going to school. I am taking care of my 15yr old sister. My boyfriend is not being so understanding. I am gaining weight like crazy. The most disturbing to me is the thoughts of harming my baby, myself, or someone else. I think I'm going crazy! I just hope I will be able to surpass this obstacle in my life...

mybaby07 mybaby07
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 21, 2008

You can do this just keep reminding yourself of how far you've made it. I hope through prayer and understanding you can get through this. You will be in mine tonight.

Well you are a very strong person to admit your faults, and I have faith in you that you can do it, get past this difficult time. Just remember when you have those feelings of wanting to hurt your baby, if there is anyone close by just hand him over and walk away or go take a walk, just get some fresh air. And if not, just put your baby in a safe place like his crib or his playpen and go outside and take in some fresh air. <br />
I have never experienced postpartum depression because I don't have any children yet. But I did practically raise my 5 younger brothers since age 7.. We were always alone because my mom was either working or partying. But we all made it and I am happy to say that I am content with the way things turned out.<br />
I will keep you and your family in my prayers, you are a wonderful person for taking care of your sister. Take care, and good luck!