Postpartum Depression

I was in denial and unsure why i was feeling the way i did nearly every day after my daughter was born. It was a little over 2 years later that i finally sought help and discovered i had untreated postpartum depression. I tried so hard to fill my days with activities, desperate to be a "good" mom. Feeling guilty for not loving her, for crying, for not wanting this life i was leading. I wanted so badly to have a baby and then everything went wrong both physically then emotionally. Even now i sometimes find myself withdrawing from her when things get difficult...not always being sure any of this is real, her included.(i was convinced i was dying during her birth and said goodbye in those moments to my family and the child about to be cut out of me.) Now i worry what having another child would be like. (if my husband ever decides i`m ok enough to have another one with me that is)
angelpie923 angelpie923
31-35, F
2 Responses May 8, 2012

thank you for sharing this, I can relate.<br />
my daughter is 2 and my son will soon be 1, I believe I also had untreated post partum depression, but still unsure because there are so many things underneath this pain than just because of my life as a mom.<br />
like I wanted so badly to be a mom, and I have really suffered the waiting and seeing everyone around me getting pregnant etc. But I guess you know what it is when you live it. I am not disapointed , just regret I have idealised it all so much that I completely neglect the fact it's so demanding on you physically and emotionally. Having another child 17 months after having my daughter kinda helped me with the PDD and I dealt better with the PPA but honestly I always had pregnancy depression too.I love having children, I know they are my blessings and give more meaning to this universe for me but it also makes me realise we really are always alone.How are you feeling by now?

Well, I was much better for a while. My husband even agreed he saw a change and agreed to have a second child. Only the problem is i have been feeling sad and disconnected again. Really irritated with him and my life in general. Worried i'm not having enough "meaningful moments" with my daughter. Somehow i can never let go of that guilty feeling i'm not doing enough, teaching her enough, playing with her enough. I need to keep reminding myself these feeling will pass and that i don't need to full fill x number of thing to be a good mom. I also need to remember i need time for myself. I'm a person apart from her. I wish you didn't feel alone. I feel less alone when i talk to other mothers. ones that admit the whole motherhood thing is not what i imagined...mothers like you. So thanks for replying.

Please inbox me if you'd like to talk. I feel the same x