I Don't Know What Is Wrong With Me

I feel like I am stupid and have nothing to complain about but I can't help the way that I feel

It started off with our first born. I found out I was pregnant 2 days after I had my last final exam. I was going to school studying science and getting awesome grades while working 3 jobs. I was on the patch so It was not in my plan at the time to have any children. I was very upset I thought how could this happen and I be so irresponsible. I wasn't ready to have a child. We always planned to have children but I wanted to fnish school be married be financially stable buy a house beforehand. It took some time to accept that my life was going to go in a different direction but I thought to myself that I wasn't the kind of person that would regret having my children and family is the most important thing in the world. My pregnancy was very depressing and to add to the depression I found my boyfriend talking about how they went to the club to look at hot girls and man there were lots of hot girls and them going to see strippers and to hooters and I also caught him being buddy buddy with his ex girlfriend. Some people may thing these things were trivial but I felt the dagger go in my back and into my heart. I felt tricked into having his child. I felt betrayed and like it was unfair. I wouldnt have had a child with someone tha tI knew would behave this way especially behind my back when I'm pregnant with his child. I tried to move past and see the bigger picture I always thought that if you have children together you make it work no matter what and it isnt an option to give up.

I was happy being a mother I loved doign things with our son and we bonded in a way that is indescribable. I ended up doing almost everything for him. My boyfriend never wanted to get up at night he barely fed him i did it 10 times he did it once was the way it went i was the one who always ended up bathing him and getting up first thing in the morning with him so naturally my son bonded to me moreso than his father. He ended up absolutely not tolerating my boyfriend he would bawlll everytime he would come in the room he couldnt even look at him he tried to hold him until he stopped crying and he would cry to sleep. eventually he came around. I felt depressed hopeless exhausted like whats the point all i looked forward to was bedtime and I had this little guy who only wanted me and I could never take a break or do anyting for myself. I felt awful like heres this precious little man all he wants is my mom and i cant stand him anymore. I found out i was pregnant when my older son was 4 months old. I had an iud in and they had to take it out. This added to my depression. I was exhausted and didn't feel well. by the end of the pregnancy I felt like a corpse that was about to fall over dead I wished for death every day. My sons are 13 months apart in age. I needed a break in between.

I had our littler one and i felt a little better because i wasnt so exhausted but i started to feel even worse. the weight didnt come off as fast as after the first one. I had a huge 6 month belly a year after he was born. I had to deal with the way i looked knowing that my boyfriend preferred to look at other women and would rather be having sex with other women. I felt disgusting, fat, like nothing was good about my appearance. I felt like I had nothing left. I was impatient mean and didn't have anything left for my sons. I breastfed up until 9 months and he ate 5 times a night at age 9 m which was making me CRAZY with all these feelings and no sleep which fueld it. I couldn't survive off no sleep and get up n deal with a raging toddler on top. I felt like a bad mom, like i had nothing left to offer, worthless, disgusting, like whats the point. I look forward to bedtime and that is it. There is nothing that i enjoy to do and nothing and no one can make me feel any better. I felt hopeless because it seemed like nothing i could do could make me feel better. All work and nothing to look forward to. I am just now starting to come out of it but it's hard. I am scared nothing is going to make me feel like myself again.
crafttacular crafttacular
26-30, F
2 Responses Dec 3, 2012

My wife suffered from post partum blues which later coverted into post partum depression. Finally after 03 weeks, waiting eventually for the blues to disappear, depression was severe sometimes. Fatigue, unwillingness, anxiety, loss of apetite, sadness, dizziness, stress, mood swing, irritability, though of not handling the baby properly, confusion in handling the baby, were the most common signs.

Today we consulted with psychiatrist and finally we have Vitamin B complex, anti-depressant and light dose for a better sleep.

Are you able to see someone about post partum? My own mother suffered from it and she never got help and wasn't the same. Now she refuses help. I hope maybe talking to someone would help you get back to the person you love, instead if this person that you dispise. No judgment here, only trying to help.