I Think I Had A...

I think i had a mild case of PPD after my first child was born, but i was never diagnosed with it. If what i had was a mild case of PPD than i seriously FEEL for the women who have to suffer from a greater degree of PPD and than there are the women who have Post Partum Psychosis and i fear to even think what that must feel like.

What I experienced I feel was mild, as luckily it did not last long. My first child was born after 17 hours of labor in a c-section. That alone throws you for a loop. He was 9lbs 9ounces (I'm 5'3") at birth and his big fat head would not allow him to drop into the birth canal, so after 17 hours of labor, and my son starting to go into distress, my doctor decided that an emergency c-section was required. Perhaps that experience alone lead to what i think was a very mild form of ppd.

Since as soon as your baby is out, after a c-section, in Canada they pump you full of MORPHINE. Well heck, i never REALLY did drugs ;) so imagine what Morphine being shot into your system feels like? So morphine induced my 9lb 9ounce baby was someone that I could not hold on my own, for fear of this drug and its incapacitating side effects, made me fearful of dropping my infant, who in reality was the size of many 3 month olds. So did the lack of the initial bonding moment add to what i think was post partum depression, i don't know, but i think maybe it did play into it.

Than, i don't know about other first time mothers, but i was quite literally SCARED out of my mind about my ability to meet his needs and he probably picked up on my own fear, after all even as infants i believe they have the ability to sense, especially their mother's, emotions. So when my son was anxious and crying for some reason i could not soothe him initially, hell i had just nurtured him for 40 weeks yet couldn't find away to soothe and calm him down ... so in my mind i was a failure. Handing my son to his Father and watching him calm down in seconds only reminded me how i felt i was failing him. It hurt to see him relax so quickly in Daddy's arms and KNOW that i couldn't do that. I almost resented my husband for his *success* after all he didn't nurture him for 40 weeks, i did.

Ahh, than there was the dilemma of breast feeding. Damn if people think (like i stupidly did) that this was a NATURAL ability for a mom, than once again i FAILED. It did not come naturally for me. I can still vividly remember how much a failure i felt i was when i couldn't even get him to latch on. i stupidly thought breast feeding would be simple, after all that is the BIOLOGICAL reason why women have breasts. AND the pressure at that particular time was to do the BEST thing for your baby and that meant breast feeding. This for me, was something i WANTED to do, but couldn't initially. I would cry every time the nurse would bring my new born to me to be fed and found out that i couldn't do it. BUT i was STUBBORN and i knew despite the fact that i couldn't initially do it i was going to *get* it if it was the LAST thing i did.

Once, finally at home, and still being unsuccessful at what i thought would be something that would come naturally to me, i quickly resorted to a program (thank heavens in Canada this program existed) and called in a lactation specialist to help me with this problem. WELL finally SUCCESS, i learned how to get him to latch on and i could finally nurse my son, as painful as it was at the beginning, i didn't give a  d a m n because i wanted to do this. Once i was able to nurse my son and the bonding started, my short experience of what i think was post partum depression dissipated, THANK HEAVENS.

All that aside, and despite TOM CRUISE's remark about women going on anti-depressants due to post partum depression, and trust me i felt like i could have KILLED him for what i saw as an ignorant attack on Brooke Sheilds when she went public with her fight with post partum depression, i thank heaven that anti-depressants exist to assist women who have to deal with a severe case of post partum depression and sadly for the women who have to fight post partum psychosis.

When Tom Cruise gives birth, than maybe i will listen to his opinion, but until than, despite the fact that i admire his acting abilities, keep your damn opinion about anti- depressants to YOURSELF. Ironically when he was challenged by Dr, Phil to come onto his program to discuss the benefits of these medications, he SUCKED out .... gee Tom, NOT able to deal with FACTS?

AlwaysRemembers AlwaysRemembers
41-45, F
1 Response May 24, 2007

I live in Canada. They didnt send me to any program. They had a lactating nurse at the hospital who told me my little girl wasnt latching on because she was a girl. The other nurses at the hospital told me that the lactating nurse didnt know what she was talking about. They all treated me like I was an idiot. They starved my baby while we tried brest pumps every 3 hours. When I got home I went out and bought a brest pump and contiued trying that way. I broke 2 of them with very little success with milk comming out before I gave up. This was the beginning of ppd for me too.