I'll Never Have More Children
I really feel like I am in mourning. I had postpartum depression horribly with my first daughter, born in 2004, and ended up on 200 mg of Zoloft and Ativan to get through it. It lasted 2 months. I just had a baby in November of 2006 and I am still depressed this time. This time it is worse and I have been through a gamut of medications, SSRIs and benzodiazepines, sleeping pills, and anti-psychotics. Currently I'm on Seroquel, Effexor, and Xanax and I still feel miserable. I hurried and got an IUD put in immediately at my 6 week checkup for fear of ever getting pregnant again. I am yearning to have a son but at what cost? I can't live like this anymore. It is the most horrible thing I've ever gone through, worse than the deaths of my mom and sister in a 3-month time span. I'd rather go through that 10 times more than go through PPD again.
Someone needs to find out what causes this and do something about it and fast. This isn't your average depression. This is something way more sinister and serious. This needs to be taken care of on a hormonal level with estrogen patches or injections before a woman leaves the hospital. I saw a psychiatrist the second time around before I ever left the hospital. I had a postpartum doula. I had a VBAC. I breastfed. I took Zoloft throughout my pregnancy. I did everything possible to have a good outcome and it still ended up miserable.
I just pray to God that someone finds a way to cure this disease so that I can have the family I always wanted instead of being limited by my own mind.