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I'll Never Have More Children

I really feel like I am in mourning. I had postpartum depression horribly with my first daughter, born in 2004, and ended up on 200 mg of Zoloft and Ativan to get through it. It lasted 2 months. I just had a baby in November of 2006 and I am still depressed this time. This time it is worse and I have been through a gamut of medications, SSRIs and benzodiazepines, sleeping pills, and anti-psychotics. Currently I'm on Seroquel, Effexor, and Xanax and I still feel miserable. I hurried and got an IUD put in immediately at my 6 week checkup for fear of ever getting pregnant again. I am yearning to have a son but at what cost? I can't live like this anymore. It is the most horrible thing I've ever gone through, worse than the deaths of my mom and sister in a 3-month time span.  I'd rather go through that 10 times more than go through PPD again.

Someone needs to find out what causes this and do something about it and fast. This isn't your average depression. This is something way more sinister and serious. This needs to be taken care of on a hormonal level with estrogen patches or injections before a woman leaves the hospital.  I saw a psychiatrist the second time around before I ever left the hospital. I had a postpartum doula. I had a VBAC. I breastfed. I took Zoloft throughout my pregnancy. I did everything possible to have a good outcome and it still ended up miserable.

I just pray to God that someone finds a way to cure this disease so that I can have the family I always wanted instead of being limited by my own mind.

aka746 aka746 26-30, F 6 Responses Feb 21, 2007

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i understand completly my baby will be two months on the 20th and even though i dnt feel like myself at all i know after the rain the sun comes out so this too shall pass and when it does im going to appreciate every waking moment

I'm so happy I found this site!!!! My baby is 2mths and I was trying to get pregnant for 4 yrs and I finally did. I'm so depress I don't no what to do I really think my C-Section have something to do with it and my preeclampsia. I'm on meds but there not working I feel like I'm strapped in somebodies esles body like I'm about to die. I NEVER want to get pregnant again!!!!! I pray to God this goes away ;(

I'm so happy I found this site!!!! My baby is 2mths and I was trying to get pregnant for 4 yrs and I finally did. I'm so depress I don't no what to do I really think my C-Section have something to do with it and my preeclampsia. I'm on meds but there not working I feel like I'm strapped in somebodies esles body like I'm about to die. I NEVER want to get pregnant again!!!!! I pray to God this goes away ;(

I'm so happy I found this site!!!! My baby is 2mths and I was trying to get pregnant for 4 yrs and I finally did. I'm so depress I don't no what to do I really think my C-Section have something to do with it and my preeclampsia. I'm on meds but there not working I feel like I'm strapped in somebodies esles body like I'm about to die. I NEVER want to get pregnant again!!!!! I pray to God this goes away ;(

hey i totally understnad , its one of the the worst feelings in the world . It so hard to enjoy our little bundles of joy. This disease has hurt me so much its not even imaginable. Im sure we understand but noone else seems to,,,,,

I'm so happy that I read your story and joined this site tonight, I had a very terriable and long process with post partum depression after having my baby. It started about 2 weeks after my little girl was born, I started feeling out of my own body and having scary thoughts like harming myself or my baby. They were nothing I had ever experienced. I never would want to harm myself or child. I would cry all the time and have nightmares about myself harming my child or me harming someone else. I couldnt drive myself in a car or go to the store alone. I was scared of everything. I also had terriable panic attacks. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. It took 9 months untill I returned to my regular self. I take 150mg of Zoloft a day now for the last 2 years. I'm scared to ever have another child. I missed so much of my little girls newborn/infant life. I was always sick and never felt like I was really there. I always felt like i was in a dream. I also agreee with you that doctors should take this more serious and that it is a disease more than just a depression. All my good luck to you.