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3 Times...

 

My first 2 pregnancies were under bad conditions, they were the results of rapes...

 

 

The first pregnancy was Sam, I was so scared, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through with it, but the father insisted and threatened me. But I was not in a good frame of mind, basically I had a bit of a breakdown and tried to kill myself... I lived, but when I woke up in hospital I the first thing I was told (after a psych had attempted to assess me) was that they were worried about Sam... I panicked, I had been trying to protect him and me from his father, not harm him...

I was rushed through for scans, but it was too late... I miscarried that night, th doctors clamed that the suicide attempt may not have been to blame, they said that other things could cause it and that as I was obviously not mentally fit it could have been stress, but I still blame myself.

 

 

 

After the father found out he blamed me... and so he raped me again, saying that I WOULD give him a child.

This time I tried really hard, I went to all my appointments I monitored my diet, etc. I named her Isabelle, and I made a promise to her that I would keep her safe, that once she was born we would go to the police and keep him away from us.

At 21 weeks I started to feel really ill, I was being sick alot and having awful pains in my stomach. I went to the hospital and they told me it was fine and to try not to worry. They advised that I stayed in bed for a few days just incase, but doubted that there was a problem.

The next few days were awful, I was so scared. I could feel odd movements inside, and the pain just kept getting worse.

At 22 weeks and 3 days I started having contractions... I went to hospital, I had gone into premature labour. 13 hours later Isabelle was born, she was so small, and she didn’t cry... everyone was so worried... the father turned up, and we had a massive argument while Isabelle was fighting for life... I should have been with her not arguing with him...

2 hours after birth Isabelle drew her last breath... she just wasn’t  ready to be born...

 

 

 

Since then I have been pregnant one more time... with my current partner, a fantastic man who I love more than anything else in the world. But I miscarried at 13 weeks, only 3 days after discovering that I was pregnant.

shadowlight shadowlight 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 9, 2009

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Hi, I really feel for you. I am glad you managed to escape from that devilish person. I too lost a child, it had a profound effect on me (I did write about it somewhere here). During the pregnancy I spoke to her and when I lost her after just over 3 months I was devastated (she was from a previous bf). My now husband and I had a little girl just over 2 yrs ago, when she was born I felt that the dead little one had returned to me, she too had not been ready the first time! I called her Ysabell, she would have had that name if she had stayed with me the first time. I hope you have a child with your current partner, please let me know!