I Dream About Murdering My Parents

I"m a 31 year old guy, and never in my life have I had a dream with any kind of positive message.

When I was around 10, my parents were separated by work and only get together every two weeks for one weekend, and they would have horrible fights, basically it would end up with my mom having to defend herself with a kitchen knife from my dad's beatings. Since I was either living with my mom for several month or with my dad, those weekends are the only chance I get to see them both, and it always end with a fight.

My dreams are vivid and feel very real, there's no surreal portion in it, the story are kind of recurring: I would woke up and go to the kitchen and pick up a specific knife, grabbing it in my hand, approaching the bed where my parents sleep, and stab them both a few times. Sometime I would only stab my father, and sometime it would be my mother, I don't feel anything while doing it, no guilt, no fear, no satisfaction or anything, just focusing on doing it right. When I'm done, the dream sequence would just jump to a court hearing or a police station, basically some imagined "justice" place where I'll be condemned to die for my crime. Now I'll actually starting feeling things, it's desperation, and panic, I'll think about how young I am, and I'm going to die no matter what I do, the fear is so intense it would usually wake me up at this point, but even as I lay a wake with my eyes wide open, it would take roughly 10 minutes to 1 hour for me to realize it wasn't real.

There's one thing that would change in different episodes of the dreams though: sometimes I'll just stab one of them, not both. And I can't think of a logical reason to that. The fight they had is usually provoked by my mother, and escalated to a brutal beating by my father. My father is not a very violent man, he doesn't drink, or even argue with people (other than my mom ofc) that much. I'd even go as far as to say he's kind of famous amongst his circle, well liked by many. My mother however, does have a way with words to provoke anger, their bloody fights were not over serious things like infidelity etc, it's usually trivial matters such as what color should we choose for the wallpaper, or what brand of microwave to buy.

This kind of dream, with its very particular setting and plot, stopped after I was around 12, which is to say they lasted for 2 years. It stopped for 18 years, although I still have all kinds of bad dreams, this particular one haven't reappeared, until now.

My parents are divorced for many years by now, and they are actually on pretty good terms, they talk with each other more than they talk with me now, because I'm avoiding them both. They both love me a lot, my dad even provide me for my apartment which he bought for me knowing I have some debt. But this dream just randomly reappears again, out of nowhere, there's no big events in my life happening lately, I can't think of anything I read or watch or seen that could have provoked it. I've consulted psychiatrists but they didn't help much. Some just suggest I should talk with my parents but it felt so hard, I don't think I'll ever want to do that.

Anyway, I'm glad I have this place to talk about it, although I'm not quite sure this is the right group,  this being not that strange and all. I'm not seeking help either, honestly I don't believe I'll get over this. But it feels good to talk about it. The last time I talk about it (edit: other than in a psychiatrist's office) was in college writing class I wrote this as a fiction, and got an A minus for it, well, that felt good, and this too.

Thank you for reading.
vgy77ujm vgy77ujm
26-30
Jan 10, 2013