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My Instincts Were Trying To Tell Me Something Was Wrong

I finally threw my boyfriend out the door three months ago. We had been living together for 4 years. I always felt that something was not right but he had me convinced that I was jealous and insecure. Well this past year my instincts were sending me strong signals but I totally ignored  them....you see my boyfriend was home every night and on weekends.  Sometimes he would go to the gym on Thursday evenings but other than that he was always home. This past year things were getting progressively worst...he would accuse me of cheating, even though I was home every night, he always criticized me about everything and he became distant and cold.  I asked him if he still loved me and his reply was always yes.  I became depressed and I felt like I was dying, my spirit was dying. I couldn't feel anything anymore...looking at a beautiful sunset, I knew that it was beautiful but I couldn't feel it.  One night while he went to the gym I had a very uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach so I searched the whole house for some clues...I didn't know what I was looking for but I kept on searching. There was a big duffle bag in our bedroom that was filled with clothing that my boyfriend wanted to send to his family in Africa. I decided to look inside and lo and behold, I found two girls' phone numbers, oil that he bought from the sex shoppe and 3 bottles of vodka.  I confronted him with that and his reasoning was that the phone numbers were just from friends but since I am so jealous and insecure he hid them, the oil was supposed to be a surprise for me, I didn't buy it.  I totally freaked out, I burned his clothes with cigarettes, I destroyed all of his pictures(he had at least 500) and I poured the alcohol on his head.  The next morning I booked off work so that I can decide what I am going to do.  I bought a voice-activated tape recorder at the spy store. When my boyfriend was in the shower that evening I put the tape recorder in his bag knowing somehow that he won't find it. The next evening I retrieved the tape recorder while he was sleeping and listened to it all night. I was totally traumatized from what I heard. He was seeing hookers in the daytime and I heard everything. He was talking badly about me to his co-workers (now I understand why they were so cold towards me)and he was making fun of my insecurities. I made him sit down and listen to the tape with me and he was totally denying everything..he would try to pause the tape and tell me no, no that's not what I said or no that's not what you hear. He even told me to sit down beside him and that he wanted to talk. I told him that there was nothing to talk about, that I wanted him out of the house right now and that it was totally over.  Well he left hesitantly still telling me that he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...I laughed in his face and told him that he lost a good woman. I go through periods of anger still but I am doing a lot of work on me...getting to know who I am and healing myself.  I can't believe that I go through periods of missing him.  But one thing that I know for sure is that I will never, ever take him back.  Also, I will never ignore my gut feelings.

mudpuddle mudpuddle 56-60, F 15 Responses Jan 1, 2010

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Oh god, you really went through hell! Always listen to your gut feeling! Women are more sensitive to their intuition and we should always trust it! I hope you are feeling better and will soon find a good guy!

Im in tear, i think im going through the same things becuase my finace say im insercure and has trust issue but my gut is telling me somthing and i be snooping also found disgusting flirty sexual messages from girls he claims to be just friends and they where joking, and he comes home everynight and works all day so he says he dont have time to cheat i really lost and dont know what to do please read my story looking for advice

Same is happening to me. My bf saw his ex-fiance 3 years ago and started talking again (which was 2 years after they broke up) and have been having flirty sexual messages with her for a year and whenever I confront him he plays the victim card and starts playing mind games. He never apologizes and always say that he had done nothing wrong and that he doesn't need to explain anything to me and that I am the one who is doing something wrong by snooping around his fb. He now deletes their conversation after talking to her. He talked so badly about me to her and he even told her that I am really bad in bed and that I can't satisfy him like she did!! She broke his heart by cheating on him and he never forgot her and never stoped loving her, and now that she's single and can't find anyone to **** (according to what she told him) she started talking again with my bf and is giving him hope! Everything changed since they saw each other again started talking again... I think he cheated on me last year with her when he went to visit his parents on his hometown. These sexual messages started after he came back.

You did the right thing by kicking his butt out the door. My ex did crap like that and he was cheating with a dude down stairs. He would accuse me of cheating, and I was busy raising his son, and working I didn't have time to be stepping out. He was a cold mofo too. He played mind games also. When I left the relationship, and divorced his good for nothing butt, I was relieved and felt like a huge burden had been lifted. It took a while for all the emotional baggage he had left me because of his mental abuse to evaporate, but it did. I am now in a wonderful healthy relationship, I am happy, and my kids are. My ex is still an ***, but besides dropping the kid off, I don't have to deal with his moody butt anymore.

Good dat u din break down believe in his lies. some ppl end up believin in their partner's lies even though evidences r slapping them on the face directly. <br />
Congrats on ur escape!

PS.<br />
<br />
I firmly believe the best way to deal with someone like this is to control your emotions, calmly react and do just as you did, kick them out of your life forever. That will REALLY have their heads spinning!

Hello, <br />
<br />
My comment is going to seem a littel different then some people. First of all, I commend you on finally listening to your gut. Alot of times we ignore what we are feeling because we do not want to face the truth that might hurt us.<br />
<br />
HOWEVER - When you went through his bag, your actions after that were completely wrong AND abusive. No matter how angry you are, you should never let that anger control your actions. Destroying someone elses property, pouring alcohol all over someone and then bragging about it is abusive behavior that shows you either do not realize your abuse or you do not care. Either way, you have a problem that needs to be addressed.<br />
<br />
You might not think that your display of anger was wrong beause you felt hurt but after being in a very abusive relationship for three years, and therapy and education I have learned that ALMOST EVERYONE takes their hurt, pain, rejection or feelings of being uncomfortable and often turns them into anger. We do this because we do not want to face the REAL feelings that we are experiencing. Once you learn to experience the hurt, confusion and pain, you can overcome it without turning it into anger and stooping down into behavior that is not acceptable for adults.<br />
<br />
We all could use help on this. If you read alot of my writing, you will see anger is something I am struggling with right now. Anger for being hit, beaten, almost killed, disrespected with words, having water poured on my head, mousse shoved in my face... I have been taking MY anger out now, in ways that are not healthy to me, or the people around me...<br />
<br />
& it is something I think most of us need to work on.....

i have some issues like this from time to time

You are so smart to figure that out, go with the gut always.

Good thing you wound up getting rid of this lying manipulator; hearing lies all the time can make us crazy. Hurting him was probably not a good idea, (thought understandable) because he could have called the police and made some trouble for you. So glad you are not going to take this jerk back. When a guy hears himself on a tape recording and is still manipulating, lying and denying, there is no hope at all.<br />
<br />
For a grad course in what you have already learned, and so that you will waste less time with jerks like this guy, read: The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker.

You go girl. That was the best thing to do and keep doing what your doing. Never take him back because cheaters will always be cheaters. I am soo proud of you. (:

You are crazy. not to condone his behavior but all you did it's a wonder you were not charged with assault,criminal mischief and destroying personal property.

Good for you! And it's natural to miss someone who's been therefor four years, even if they were complete douchebags. That'll go away soon.

Sounds like you did the best thing and you learned what you needed.....how to be strong!!!! Good for you.

Congratulations young lady on making the wise decision. Too many girls continue to put up with the verbal abuse and insults which eventually turns to physical abuse. It may hurt for a while, but when you heal you will be a stronger better young lady knowing you had the power to stop someone who would have eventually ruined your life completely!!

Go girl. Your gut is usually right. Too bad you had to be hurt so badly to find out he was a creep.