My Instincts Were Trying To Tell Me Something Was Wrong
I finally threw my boyfriend out the door three months ago. We had been living together for 4 years. I always felt that something was not right but he had me convinced that I was jealous and insecure. Well this past year my instincts were sending me strong signals but I totally ignored them....you see my boyfriend was home every night and on weekends. Sometimes he would go to the gym on Thursday evenings but other than that he was always home. This past year things were getting progressively worst...he would accuse me of cheating, even though I was home every night, he always criticized me about everything and he became distant and cold. I asked him if he still loved me and his reply was always yes. I became depressed and I felt like I was dying, my spirit was dying. I couldn't feel anything anymore...looking at a beautiful sunset, I knew that it was beautiful but I couldn't feel it. One night while he went to the gym I had a very uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach so I searched the whole house for some clues...I didn't know what I was looking for but I kept on searching. There was a big duffle bag in our bedroom that was filled with clothing that my boyfriend wanted to send to his family in Africa. I decided to look inside and lo and behold, I found two girls' phone numbers, oil that he bought from the sex shoppe and 3 bottles of vodka. I confronted him with that and his reasoning was that the phone numbers were just from friends but since I am so jealous and insecure he hid them, the oil was supposed to be a surprise for me, I didn't buy it. I totally freaked out, I burned his clothes with cigarettes, I destroyed all of his pictures(he had at least 500) and I poured the alcohol on his head. The next morning I booked off work so that I can decide what I am going to do. I bought a voice-activated tape recorder at the spy store. When my boyfriend was in the shower that evening I put the tape recorder in his bag knowing somehow that he won't find it. The next evening I retrieved the tape recorder while he was sleeping and listened to it all night. I was totally traumatized from what I heard. He was seeing hookers in the daytime and I heard everything. He was talking badly about me to his co-workers (now I understand why they were so cold towards me)and he was making fun of my insecurities. I made him sit down and listen to the tape with me and he was totally denying everything..he would try to pause the tape and tell me no, no that's not what I said or no that's not what you hear. He even told me to sit down beside him and that he wanted to talk. I told him that there was nothing to talk about, that I wanted him out of the house right now and that it was totally over. Well he left hesitantly still telling me that he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...I laughed in his face and told him that he lost a good woman. I go through periods of anger still but I am doing a lot of work on me...getting to know who I am and healing myself. I can't believe that I go through periods of missing him. But one thing that I know for sure is that I will never, ever take him back. Also, I will never ignore my gut feelings.