Worst Day Of My Entire Life.

This was literally the worst day of my life. I thought it would be the one day where I could just let go and have fun. The past 6 months had been extremely difficult where I had become very depressed. On multiple occasions I had considered suicide, and my best friend was the only thing that stopped me. I'm incredibly greatful to her. What noone knows is that I'm gay, and I felt that no one would support me. I'd fallen for my best friend, which is why I can't tell her why I feel so depressed. I felt so
ashamed and guilty, and I hated myself... That I cut myself. I ended up cutting myself often under my watch, so no one would see it. Everytime I felt sad I had this relentless urge to feel severe physical pain.
I had started on my upper thigh aswell. So on my 16th birthday here I was getting changed to go out to this fancy restaurant when my mum unexpectedly walks in the room, And sees my leg. She screamed at me, demanding to know what they were. I was terrified, shaking and holding back tears, as I lamely said "cat scratches," when they were much too deep to be just "a scratch." She screamed to me to stop f*cking lying, so I admitted. She screamed blue murder at me. I have very rarely seen my mother that angry. She demanded to know why I had done such a thing, and I couldn't bring myself to say it. I had tried saying that I was simply depressed, but she wouldn't accept it as an answer. What would she know? When I said I was doing homework, I would really be crying, thinking of ways that I could make all
this pain go away. She ran to go cancel my booking for dinner, and I ran after her begging. I still don't know why I chose to tell her, when I should have just let her cancel the stupid reservation. It's definitely 
One of my biggest regrets. I broke down saying "I'm gay," and she looked at me in disgust and disbelief, saying "How can you be gay?!" and "What the **** are you on about, this is just a phase," and worst of all that "I was f*cked in the head."
That hurt beyond comprehension. I texted my best friend who was the only one to know about my cuts, after she had Accidentally seen my wrist. She told me she was there to support me, and I just slumped on the floor crying, trying to digest what was happening. So we leave to pick my sister up from work, with this horrible tension between my mum and I, while Im trying to keep myself together. My sister could tell immediately that something was wrong. Sitting for dinner, I felt inconceivably miserable. My sister had known that I'd been feeling depressed after she found 21 personal letters my best friend had wrote to me to read when I felt depressed. She had read five of them, which had thankfully not contained anything about me cutting or feeling suicidal. She had promised not to tell my Mum about it, knowing how she would react, under the impression that I was telling the truth when I said I hadn't done anything "unhealthy"

my mum didn't talk to me at dinner, and I could barely eat anything without feeling like I was going to throw up. I just wanted to run and never stop. I had always wanted my 16th birthday to be so special, and it had turned into the worst day of my life. When we got home my mum went to me and said, "don't you dare ever self mutilate again!!!" like she was trying to put things right, but she was still so angry. My sister suddenly stormed in over hearing, and grabbed me by the shoulders, screaming "How dare you!" and "YOU F*CKING LIAR!!" because I had promised I hadn't self harmed. She suddenly told my mum about the letters, and I slumped on the floor crying. They yelled at me saying I was "f*cked up" and a lot more.. A lot of it I've tried to forget because it was so awful. My Mum screamed at me to get up off the floor, and I managed to just say through my sobs and tears "this is the worst day of my life," to which my mum and sister said that it was my own f*cking fault. They were both so angry and not understanding that I wished I could just die. No one sung me happy birthday that day. No one gave me any gifts. No one gave me a cake with candles. Nothing. I have never cried so much in my life. The next day (Sunday) I was home alone and trying to study for my English Cambridge exams, and I tried to study... It was impossible. I was literally howling with tears. I tried to get up and call my best friend who couldnt contact me, my friends... Someone to help me, but I was just so overwhelmed with this unbearable sadness. The tears and howls came from me, like I was someone else... I wouldn't wish that feeling of despair upon anyone. I didnt know what sadness was untill I was too sad to even hold a pen. At school on the Monday lots of people asked me how my birthday was.. Come morning tea my group of friends said "happy birthday!!" and I couldn't take holding it together any longer. That was the first time that year I had let my guard down, and broke down for all my friends to see. My best friend held my hand through it, and just hugged me while I just cried, and cried, and cried.. So I want people to know.. If you've had a bad birthday, you're not alone. And hopefully it wasn't as awful as mine.
 I really wish that I could have someone to confide in properly, because I'm too scared to tell my friends. I still feel really depressed... This isn't getting easier. If you want someone to talk to because you're feeling down, or suicidal, I'll be here for you. No one should ever feel alone.
Mufasa27 Mufasa27
18-21, F
2 Responses Jan 13, 2013

Damn. I'm sorry love. I wish I could give you a hug (because I love hugs >.< and they make people happy) I want to wish you a happy birthday. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!!!! Family shouldn't be that way. My parents also think its a phase. I take their thoughts into consideration but never to heart. You are a lovely amazing gay with an amazing friend to help you out. I know you probably won't believe me but I seriously love you. So if you ever need another friend I'll be happy to become one ^-^ Keep safe my lovely friend.

Thank you Love. A hug would be greatly appreciated, I love hugs. Awww.. This seriously is really touching thank you. I love you for writing this, you are amazing. I would love it if we could become friends, because this is the first time that someone has been this kind and caring about my situation. Thank you so much. x

So sorry you had such an unhappy time on you birthday. Now that the issues are out in the open, you may feel some relief from not having to hide your feelings. Whether you do or not, get on the phone, make an appointment to see your doctor, or find some counselling. In the Uk call the Samaritans.

Thank you. It does feel a bit better to have shared how I feel, even if it's not to people I know. I know.. That it would probably be best to talk to a counsellor.. I just find it difficult to get a way too. My mum wants to believe there is nothing wrong, and as you can probably tell through my story... It's hard to talk to her.

You know there is something wrong. Very wrong. Counselling can be done over the phone, via the internet, or face to face. Samaritans do counselling by email too. Look them up. Cant hurt, might help.

I know.... Okay... I will... Thank you for your support.

You are young and your emotions are intense, but they are real and you have real problems that you need help with. I wish you well and happy in the future.

Do it now

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