Eh... I Don't Think I Have Told Anyone About This Story.. But I Will Try...

 I had to say goodbye to my sister about seven months ago.. I believe I have kept this part of my life locked up tight in my mind.. Clear in the bad to the point of were no one could break it unless I opened it up... And I guess I'm ready to open up about it.. to talk about what I had done the day she had passed away... She was in a car wreck with my aunt because of a drunk driver. They both were rushed to the hospital at 9:00 pm on April 6th.. The hospital that they were sent to wasn't a very big hospital so they were transported to another bigger hospital that had more technology I think that's what you would call it. They were transported to another state.. I had no idea any of this was going on.. I was in a mental hospital for about three days and then my uncle had to come get me to take me to the hospital to stay with my aunt and sister.. They both were in critical condition.. both on the respirators, feeding tubes, heart monitors, a ton of IV's in both of them.. Now when I came in a saw my aunt I was upset because my uncle had told me what had happened. She didn't look so good... I didn't know the human body could take so much.. Her whole face looked like it was melted off of her face but she wasn't burned.. Her face had gone threw the wind shield (not wearing a seat belt) both of her arms were broken, she had a broken neck, and back, and she had broken her femur bone.. She was in a coma... I could feel the tears coming down my checks just the thought of what my sister was going to look like was just breaking me apart inside of me.. The nurse took me to where they were keeping my sister.. I didn't think she was my sister.. I thought it was all a dream.. Her face was so swollen.. She was in her car seat up front... If she wasn't in the front seat she might of been a little better.. She looked so defeated... So broken... So hurt... and so weak.... She was just as bad as my aunt... She had a four fractures to her skull.. the doctors told me that she was lucky to even last threw the night.. I was thinking the worst so many things were in my mind.. I stayed with her all night dreading just the worst.. but also praying to god that she made it not just for the day for the rest of her life...  I didn't sleep at all I stayed up all night talking to her, kissing her forehead.. Just hoping... The next morning my uncle came in he didn't look so good.. He came in and told me my aunt had passed away during the night... I just started crying it was so horrible to actually see him cry over his wife he never acted like he enjoyed her at all.. After that I was in a state of shock... Thinking that my sister wasn't going to make it.. But she did.. My uncle left what did he care about his wife just died and my sister was fighting for her life.. Her life of barely a year... I hate that he didn't stay with me.. The nurses were pissed off at him for leaving because he had to sign things that were important he never came back so I was forced to sign them I really didn't even know what I was doing with everything going on. I never left my sister's room. I didn't eat, sleep, bathe just nothing I was to concerned about her.. I talked to her all the time.. I could see her little eye's moving in her eye sockets and the nurse's told me that was a good sign.. I prayed even harder.. But it wasn't hard enough... I was sitting there right beside her when she started having a seizure.. It was the scariest thing I had ever seen in my whole life... I didn't know what to do I started screaming for the nurses and the doctors.. They came in and stabilized her... I was in a state of just numbness this just made me feel like the worst person ever... I didn't know what I was going to do.. The doctor came in and told me in the most nicest way ever and told me that my sister if she ever woke up she wouldn't be normal... That it might just be best if we took her off of everything.. I never in my dreams ever thought someone would ever even ask me to take someone off of something that was saving their life... He left and let me think things threw.. I told him an hour later that I wanted him to do it.. I didn't want my little sister to suffer anymore.. But I had him take everything off of her the feeding tube, respirator, IVs... After he took everything off of her he told me she wouldn't last for another five minutes.. He left me and my sister alone in the room for her last breaths.. I held her all the way until her last breath... It was the worst thing I have every had to do in my whole life... I felt her last breath and her last heart beat.. I didn't even cry I felt that if she felt me cry she would know I was devastated that I was weak.. I held everything in.. I didn't want her to know that.. I kissed her goodbye and I told her that I loved her.. I sat with her for thirty minutes.. If anyone tried coming in I told them to please leave..I know that was stupid I just wanted to be with my sister alone.. I sat there looking at her body.. Just wishing it was all a dream... I told her goodbye for the last time thirty minutes later and I walked out the door and sat on the ground bawling my eyes out.. I didn't want my sister to be dead.. I didn't believe she was gone.. I didn't want her to be gone.. They sent a preacher to sit with me... Talk to me and pray with me.. But why did I have to pray when she was already gone?? I don't know maybe they thought it would make me feel better... It didn't... I was with my sister from the time she was born.. It was like I had just lost my own child even though she was my sister... People tell me that I have no reason to feel that.. But I was the one who raised her.. The one her taught her how to walk, how to talk only if it was just a few words.. I was the one who played with her, stayed up with, held her when she was crying.. I remember when she called me mama.. I guess that isn't a reason to think that I had lost a child.. But I don't care what people think she was like a child to me.. To this day it feels like it's my fault that she died.. Because I told the doctors to take her off the machines.. It's just a horrible feeling I have deep inside of me... I had to say goodbye to a little girl that was so important to me.. I miss her still to this day. I wish she didn't have to go but she did.. And I miss her so so so so so much.. I will never forget her..