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Eh... I Don't Think I Have Told Anyone About This Story.. But I Will Try...

 I had to say goodbye to my sister about seven months ago.. I believe I have kept this part of my life locked up tight in my mind.. Clear in the bad to the point of were no one could break it unless I opened it up... And I guess I'm ready to open up about it.. to talk about what I had done the day she had passed away... She was in a car wreck with my aunt because of a drunk driver. They both were rushed to the hospital at 9:00 pm on April 6th.. The hospital that they were sent to wasn't a very big hospital so they were transported to another bigger hospital that had more technology I think that's what you would call it. They were transported to another state.. I had no idea any of this was going on.. I was in a mental hospital for about three days and then my uncle had to come get me to take me to the hospital to stay with my aunt and sister.. They both were in critical condition.. both on the respirators, feeding tubes, heart monitors, a ton of IV's in both of them.. Now when I came in a saw my aunt I was upset because my uncle had told me what had happened. She didn't look so good... I didn't know the human body could take so much.. Her whole face looked like it was melted off of her face but she wasn't burned.. Her face had gone threw the wind shield (not wearing a seat belt) both of her arms were broken, she had a broken neck, and back, and she had broken her femur bone.. She was in a coma... I could feel the tears coming down my checks just the thought of what my sister was going to look like was just breaking me apart inside of me.. The nurse took me to where they were keeping my sister.. I didn't think she was my sister.. I thought it was all a dream.. Her face was so swollen.. She was in her car seat up front... If she wasn't in the front seat she might of been a little better.. She looked so defeated... So broken... So hurt... and so weak.... She was just as bad as my aunt... She had a four fractures to her skull.. the doctors told me that she was lucky to even last threw the night.. I was thinking the worst so many things were in my mind.. I stayed with her all night dreading just the worst.. but also praying to god that she made it not just for the day for the rest of her life...  I didn't sleep at all I stayed up all night talking to her, kissing her forehead.. Just hoping... The next morning my uncle came in he didn't look so good.. He came in and told me my aunt had passed away during the night... I just started crying it was so horrible to actually see him cry over his wife he never acted like he enjoyed her at all.. After that I was in a state of shock... Thinking that my sister wasn't going to make it.. But she did.. My uncle left what did he care about his wife just died and my sister was fighting for her life.. Her life of barely a year... I hate that he didn't stay with me.. The nurses were pissed off at him for leaving because he had to sign things that were important he never came back so I was forced to sign them I really didn't even know what I was doing with everything going on. I never left my sister's room. I didn't eat, sleep, bathe just nothing I was to concerned about her.. I talked to her all the time.. I could see her little eye's moving in her eye sockets and the nurse's told me that was a good sign.. I prayed even harder.. But it wasn't hard enough... I was sitting there right beside her when she started having a seizure.. It was the scariest thing I had ever seen in my whole life... I didn't know what to do I started screaming for the nurses and the doctors.. They came in and stabilized her... I was in a state of just numbness this just made me feel like the worst person ever... I didn't know what I was going to do.. The doctor came in and told me in the most nicest way ever and told me that my sister if she ever woke up she wouldn't be normal... That it might just be best if we took her off of everything.. I never in my dreams ever thought someone would ever even ask me to take someone off of something that was saving their life... He left and let me think things threw.. I told him an hour later that I wanted him to do it.. I didn't want my little sister to suffer anymore.. But I had him take everything off of her the feeding tube, respirator, IVs... After he took everything off of her he told me she wouldn't last for another five minutes.. He left me and my sister alone in the room for her last breaths.. I held her all the way until her last breath... It was the worst thing I have every had to do in my whole life... I felt her last breath and her last heart beat.. I didn't even cry I felt that if she felt me cry she would know I was devastated that I was weak.. I held everything in.. I didn't want her to know that.. I kissed her goodbye and I told her that I loved her.. I sat with her for thirty minutes.. If anyone tried coming in I told them to please leave..I know that was stupid I just wanted to be with my sister alone.. I sat there looking at her body.. Just wishing it was all a dream... I told her goodbye for the last time thirty minutes later and I walked out the door and sat on the ground bawling my eyes out.. I didn't want my sister to be dead.. I didn't believe she was gone.. I didn't want her to be gone.. They sent a preacher to sit with me... Talk to me and pray with me.. But why did I have to pray when she was already gone?? I don't know maybe they thought it would make me feel better... It didn't... I was with my sister from the time she was born.. It was like I had just lost my own child even though she was my sister... People tell me that I have no reason to feel that.. But I was the one who raised her.. The one her taught her how to walk, how to talk only if it was just a few words.. I was the one who played with her, stayed up with, held her when she was crying.. I remember when she called me mama.. I guess that isn't a reason to think that I had lost a child.. But I don't care what people think she was like a child to me.. To this day it feels like it's my fault that she died.. Because I told the doctors to take her off the machines.. It's just a horrible feeling I have deep inside of me... I had to say goodbye to a little girl that was so important to me.. I miss her still to this day. I wish she didn't have to go but she did.. And I miss her so so so so so much.. I will never forget her..

XLunaXLovegoodX XLunaXLovegoodX 22-25, F 64 Responses Oct 9, 2008

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i can't remember a day which I've cried this much,while readin something

So closed relative's death is always destroying soul. Horrible

I was so touched by your story. My dad recently passed away due to cancer, but we knew it was going to happen. I can't tell you how sad I feel for you and your sister and aunt. Tears rolling down my face as I read on, I'm sorry for your loss it's very tragic and I wish you the best. They say we will see each other on the other side, I really hope so cause it's so hard to have a loved one die.

I know exactly how you feel hun and its hard but some times people get caught up in the own grief they dnt think about any one else yes it was his wife but it was your sister a bond that can never be broken and some times people just forget to help or just mentally can't , and I no what you mean. About her bein more your child than your sister I lived the same experience with my brother he was the baby of the family and I adored him and like you I brought him up and sadly he passed away too and 5 years on it still tares me apart but we live with it an I think it's good you managed to talk abit about it my heart and thoughts are with you x x z

I'm so sorry for you loss! It must have been an intolerable thing that you have been living through! It is weird though that having faith in God is a great consolation. Thinking of life as a passage way and that we are here on earth is just like waiting on a bus station for the our next ride gave me somehow hope when I had to pass through similar situation. I still remember the words of the priest... God picks the ones who He loves most and takes them to His Heavenly Kingdom...Restoring my faith helped me a lot and I hope it would do the same for you.

That story made me soo sad. You probably felt like I did when I lost my cat 2 years ago I still cry and have greif over her you probably feel it more than I do

I'm so sorry to hear all of this. It's good that you can now open up about it and let it all out, its a very positive movement which will help you feel better :)<br />
What a tragic story... its so sad that your uncle left, but I guess when you realise you didn't treat someone how you wanted to when you had the chance, your whole entire world comes crashing down. I hope he came back eventually! I will pray for you<br />
Sending lots of love your way

I'm speechless.. Umm, I really feel sorry for you , that this happen to you, i can't even imagine.<br />
I don't even know wjhat to say.<br />
Your sister is probably forgiving you. you probably save her life because if she would of woke up she probably wouldnt remember anything and have a hard life adjusting to things.<br />
soo.. that's the best advice i can give.

I still have my mother. She isn't the worst. However she doesn't show me even half the love my older sister does. Reading this story just made me break down completely. I lived with my older sister for awhile and things happened to where i lived with my mom again. With doing that i went from being the most Popular,Beautiful and Intelligent girl in school to the most depressed. I fell apart slowly and i ignored it. I never told anyone how low i was until the beggining of this year when i almost died for good. I hated myself...alcohol was an easy escape. One night i let my friend drive my scooter, she wrecked it(causing me to fly forward on to concrete) splitting my head wide open and causing me to experience 3 seconds of death. Dying made me think of a good friend of mine who i witnessed and helped through her death. I became sober from my death i had no other choice i could barely move and couldnt think AT ALL!!!! it drove me insane. it took about 5 monthes til i was fine...Then one night i remembered how low i felt out of nowhere and though my friend begged me not to drink (being the controlling person i am) i drank anyways. ALOT! winding myself up in the hospital yet again. However that time of the FOUR times i've tryed to end my life i thought this time it was for sure. Only the lord can tell you how upset i was when i realized not only had i survived but nothing had happened to me instead yet another friend had lost their life. Why does the lord bless me everytime but hurt me in unexpected ways? i will never understand.

This is a very emotional experience and you have done all the right thing, to stay there with your sister alone, while people might choose to walk away in the same situation. You did not kill her, the doctor told you she couldnt be normal if she woke up. You do not really what suffering she was feeling, so it wouldnt be wise to keep her living using those machines..She is lucky to have a sister like you, and she would know that because she can hear every of your prayer.

Wow! I realize that life has been tough and this happened a couple of years back. But I'm sure your wounds are still very sensitive. What a terriable thing you went through. But I am sure that as you look back, you are relieved that you were there, holding her when God called her home. I am sure she is smiling down on you. I am a true believer in God and I have walked through some pretty harsh things. I have never lost a sister, or a child or husband! I can tell with what you have wrote that you were very close to your sister. You took on a big responsibility for her, through love. Your love and tears for her are a ripple effect that will spread and help someone else who is suffering such a tragedy. Let this be a tool to let your love spread. Praying for your healing.

It's definitely not your fault. Thank you for sharing.

all i can say is i'm extremely sorry for your loss, no one deserves to put in such a difficult situation. you are an extremely brave girl and your story really shows such a sense of compassion and you can't blame yourself for anything that happened. from what i understand you raised her to who she was - a lovely girl who had her whole life ahead of her and was taken away by an evil situation which no one deserves. you made the right decision im sure your sister would be very proud off you, and will be encouraging you to leave any guilt you have and try to fulfil your life to the best you can. she'll always be there in your heart and memories of her will live on forever. keep strong xx

This story put me in tears but it also made me feel better because it made me feel less alone. I lost my little brother 4 months ago. At 15 he took his own life. It is so hard to lose a family member so close to you and so young. It is the hardest thing I've ever been through and I've lost quite a few family members. Everything reminds me of him. Thank you so much for having the courage to share this story. Although it was heartbreaking to read it is a reminder that what has happened in my life is not the end of the world and other people survive worse situations.

My dear i am so sorry about what you went through but don't be too hard on yourself. It was not your fault, just that circumstances led to you deciding to have the machines off your sister. May God give you the strength to go through this.

That is a very sad story. You did the best that you could do. However, you must deal with this now. Perhaps take six months or even a year off from school, or the job, and with help (from friends or a doctor, or both) come up with a strategy to deal with this and put this behind you. <br />
<br />
You will always love yours sister, but the day must come, the sooner the better, where she is not someone you are thinking about consciously or subconsciously from the morning until the evening and even in your dreams. That is not life. It is a horror. <br />
<br />
That accident took two lives. It may yet take three. This is why you need to deal with every issue, all the issues that make you tear up and hurt inside, now. Completely and comprehensively, and even the issues that have nothing to do with your sister. If you take time off and get help with this, it can be done, and it must be done, to save your life. Also, inject a lot of joy, just carefree joy into your life during this time of dealing with and solving these issues. <br />
<br />
In the end of this process, you will come out of this a healthy and balanced woman, like the way your life is supposed to be. Don't work full time or be a student full time. or half and half. Reduce the stress dramatically in your life so you can actually deal with these issues and solve them. It can be done. You cared for your sister once and gave your all. Now it's time to give your all to yourself to save you.

You must be a really strong person. I don't know how you have continued on with your life. I saw my grandfather take his last struggling gasp for breath and then close his mouth. I thought i would die. I was 17. But nothing like your experience. My mom died here in my house. It's odd, but I woke up when she died. I knew it had happened and ran across the hall and she was still warm. These are things that must happen, but they hurt and I do not have the slightest idea if there is a heaven, but I hope my loved ones are there, talking among the trees and flowers and paths by babbling brooks and seeing your sister and knowing her and talking with her. I hope they laugh and have a good time. They suffered along with your aunt. May they be at peace.

U brave little soul.U made the hardest decision of ur life unselfishly thinking of ur sister not urself.I have the greatest admiration 4u.Not all of us would be so brave.Ur sister is at peace now and one day u will be together again.Have u considered planting a memorial tree in tribute to ur sister?I wish u peace hope and happiness 4 ur future.U really r a remarkable woman and time will help u move on.Was the driver of the other car charged?The man that u marry will be a very lucky person indeed 2 share his life with such a special person.I wish u all the best in ur future......

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the desions that you had to make. I'm sure in her own way she knew that you were not weak and that she loved you also. She'll stay in your heart always.

Hey XLunaXLovegoodX. I'm really sorry about your loss. May God make your hear and thoughts reach a peaceful state. XoxoX

i almost felt crying while reading it. So sad that you have to bear the pain throughout this years. Don't keep on blaming yourself for what happened.. it was destined to happen. Wherever she is, i know she is very much thankful having a sister like you. You are like an angel to her. A big hug for you!

i almost felt crying while reading it. So sad that you had to bear that pain through all these years. Continue sharing! Don't keep on blaming yourself for what happened.. it was destined to happen. Wherever she is, i know she is very much thankful having a sister like you. You are like an angel to her. A big hug for you!

It was very brave of you to share that experience. I imagine you are a wonderfully caring person. Blessed be.

the way you wrote it just made me tear up at once its just un-beliveable what can happen in life you know? i am really sorry for your loss my condolences to you sor sure. i will remember this story forever.i hope your holding up...

Having to say good bye to a loved one is the most heartbreaking situation we can go through--you wrote a beautiful tribute.

wow, you are truly an amazing person .

i am so sorry. your story really touched my heart and it was a brave thing you did. you took away her suffering and thats the greatest thing you could do /you couldve done for someone i believe.

im so so so so so so deeply sorry i can't even make a comment im sorry i don't know how it fells to loess a child i lost a grandpa and grandma gosh im sorry i had tears in my eyes readying this sorry if this is the worst commrnt you got im to sad to wright anything to tell you i bet your sisters and aunt are whaching overe right now protecting you im soooooooooooooooo deeply sorry.

oh hunny i'm so sorry u had to go through all of that!<br />
you are such a strong person and don't ever forget that.<br />
i'm actually sitting here about to cry... i cant even imagine how it felt for u to have gone through this!<br />
if u ever need anyone to talk to u can send me a message anytime.

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I have not cried since last december and I'm not a guy that shows much emotion at all, but your story brought me to tears. <br />
All I can say is I'm sorry and it was NOT your fault.<br />
Yes, these words are probably too received for you. They don't help you cope with this but let me tell you one thing: through everything that I've been through in my life, including almost jumping off a bridge a few times, people like YOU keep me going. You let me know that I don't have it bad. But people like you empower me and countless others to continue. Your story is here for a reason. Your little sister is a seed that will NEVER die; it has sprung life into many people. Bless her soul and yours too. =*]