The Emotional Shackles~~THEN~~
Some days just feel too hard. When the pain is just too much or the future looks too bleak.
Those days feel like you just can’t make it through…
Those are the dark, deep days when you feel overwhelmed & hopeless
Those are the days when you wish you could curl up in a ball, and sleep all day long…Or hide away forever… because you just can't bring yourself to make a decision on what to start on first. Or what to eat. Making something to eat seems like a big chore, so you eat something cold instead. You don't shower, you don't go outside, you don't talk on the phone. You find no strength when you feel exhausted down to your inner being because life has demanded more from you than you can bear.
I just ignore it.
I create walls to relieve myself from the intensity of painful experiences it gives me separation from others, space from the heartache, a fresh beginning for a moment. Wrap it up and tuck it away. Sometimes that works, but not completely. Until something triggers the memory, and reminds me again and takes me back there. Then the fear creeps back in, sometimes like a blast furnace to the heart, sometimes in an insidious way.
Sometimes, I used drugs, alcohol, shopping, exercise or any other addiction to distance myself from the emotional pain that just wouldn't lessen or leave. It became my daily companion.
How does one ever move past such deep emotional pain?
The bruising fades, the body heals, but the emotional, mental and verbal scars stay forever. The ache and despair and emotional pain stay there. They are always there, just under the surface, waiting to be uncaged and break free.
When I feel these yucky feelings start to surface I'm not always in a safe place to acknowledge them.
What to do?
I visualize myself going to my 'safe' place, opening up the box I placed there, and I set these feelings inside the big box. When I am in my 'safe' place, I allow myself to feel what I feel. It’s ok to acknowledge that pain, to feel that hopelessness, to sit in despair. I stay for awhile, or for as long as I can bear. These are real feelings, and it really does hurt. My heart feels heavy, and sometimes it feels like there is no way out….
Today I don’t have to pretend that it’s not there. Today I do different things.
I don't allow these feelings the ability to build, get out of hand. I journal. I talk to someone. If I can't get a hold of the first person, I try another, or I talk to my cats. (No, I'm not the 'Crazy Cat Lady' or anything remotely close to it). I go for a walk and I talk to Mother Earth & nature (inside my head.) Or I come here. I respond to others' stories and confessions to get me out of my wallowing and self-pity. I feel better afterwards.
Thanks for reading.
SynAnonymous 41-45, F 2 Responses 3 May 9, 2010