I Only Want One Thing In Life......an Ending

Wanna good laugh! I almost froze to death because I ran out to the garage in winter. I just needed to run out and grab something and go back into the house. So I didn't bother to put on my jacket. Why should I ? the sun had gone down....."It is easier to go out in the dark"  The wind picked up a little it was damn cold even for a short trip. The wind caused the door to slam shut. That was all it took. When I went to the door to leave, I put my hand on the door knob. And found that I was stuck I couldn't open the door. It wasn't locked. I just could not bring myself to open it. I wasn't freaking out, or having a panic attack. I just could not bring myself to just plain turn the knob and step through. When my wife came home from work and knowing I seldom went out. Started looking for me. My truck was home,so where was I? Out on the floor of the garage sleeping. From that time on blankets and water and food and a portable heater was kept out there.  I can't say why this is how I am. I can't think of any traumatic experience that I am aware of. It could be that I was traumatized by being born. That leaving the womb frightened me. My sister knows one of her friends, who remembers being born. She too has trouble leaving the house. You have to have very limited interests. At least I do. The more things you like to do the more you'll be disappointed when you find you can't do them. This has eventually cost me every job I ever had. My foreman at the steel foundry where I worked called me on the phone. What the hell did you go home for. I know you weren't late for work cause I saw you driving around the parking lot. And you weren't late the week before. I didn't believe it when a coworker said you weren't late that you were here when he came in. And he had come in early. I explained my situation. He was nice about it. But, he also said I can't use a guy here if I can't count on you coming in. even if you do show up early. I take it this is why I've had to send people after you when you don't come back from lunch at times. That story goes with almost every job. Forget friendships. Know one wants to hang out with someone that never wants to go anywhere. The Internet was a god send. At least I've managed to maintain friends on the net. It's not perfect but. I've come to realize I'll never have anything even close to perfection in my life.  Family gave up on me long ago. Weddings and funerals is about the extent of it for me. Holidays some times. I got drunk at my 15Th the birthday. And pretty much stayed relatively stoned for about 15 years. . I celebrated my 21St birthday The only reason I celebrated it was mostly because of all the money I would save not having to drive into Wisconsin to buy beer. But, I pretty much gave up the whole birthday thing long ago.  But 18 years ago I quit drinking . That's a double edged sword in a way.  I stopped drinking. But there went the social life I had. It wasn't perfect but I've already covered the perfection thing. It also put and end to leaving the house on a regular basis.  I was a lot more interesting back then too. I go nowhere but to work  (I only 3 hrs one week and 9 hours the next. My manager can't figure out why I am doing a janitorial job when I can do so many things. I'm a decent carpenter, a hell of a plumber and one of the best electricians the local building inspector has ever seen. He inspected the sears tower when it was being built. Oh boy, I'm doing it again. My one sister tells me I don't send E-mails I send novelettes. And most of you have probably grown tired of my story paragraphs ago. And if that is so why have I not concluded this yet. But, it's not as though I've anything better or more interesting to do. So let me close with an accurate description of myself. I am a crossdresser and I have insomnia so bad that I take 3 different Meds to knock me out at night. Oh and just for the record. Sleep did not come easily after I quit drinking nor did it when I quit smoking.  I can't stop thinking. Not that I'm solving mathematical theories or anything interesting like that. No it's more along the lines of grocery lists stupid things that I just can't turn off. With sleep deprivation comes depression. Oh ya the depression would clear up when I quit drinking too. I'm not trying to make a case for drinking. But, I told doctors for years that I always had insomnia. Drinking would get me out of the house and would knock me out at the end of the day. Oh, boy, I'm doing it again. In conclusion I'm a Divorced cross dressing Agoraphobic, Insomniac and electrician. Suffering from depression and gender confusion with suicidal tendencies. I also have my own file cabinet at mental health. That's right ladies I'm available! Oh Ya, before I forget. Let me introduce myself! Hi I'm Suzzet! I know what you're thinking. If it sounds too good to be true it probably is. But, let me just straighten that out once and for all. If it sounds to good to be true it's probably a politician! So give me a call and we'll go on a scavenger hunt for shoe's and the perfect Bra! Oh, I forgot about that perfection thing again. And with that I'll just have to hope I'll have better luck next time. Did I mention to you about luck. Well I don't think it'll be necessary. You probably got it figured by now.

I've found that a lot of people may have questions but might like to do so privately. I'm on many web sites similar to this one. Some people are curious. Some don't want their profile pic or name to show up Along with my profile. Or on a site that they may be afraid to be seen on. And I can understand that. Some just want to put me down. Sorry, to disappoint you. but, that just doesn't work on me anymore. So feel free to ask anything you like. If you E-mail me. You will get the best response to your question. And it will be the best answer that I am able to give you. I have an E-mail address just for Suzzet. If this address gets to be toxic. I just abandon it and  start a new one. Something to think about for yourself as well. No matter what you have to say I wont send you hate mail. And I don't judge people, as I don't care to be judged.



suzzet suzzet
46-50, T
2 Responses Apr 11, 2010

Rather than an ending, how about a beginning?

A few observations. Not a bad thing so don't cringe just yet.<br />
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You say you are a cross dresser. And your mind won't stop. You have a talent for electrical operational things and a plumber. Along with this you say you ramble on like a broken record so to speak. You said your good with wood, building things. I bet you are also good at creating things that need to be built and wired.<br />
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You have a busy mind. This is a trait of women. They too can not shut down their mind either. And men wonder where the honey do lists come from. This also explains your insomnia. The mind won't shut down.<br />
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Sounds to me like there should not be any misunderstanding about your gender. Simply put a male body housing a female inside plain and simple. This is the cross dresser that comes out. You feel more at ease when speaking to and being around females in general because you can relate to them the best.<br />
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Here is a thought, because of all your talent including your female side as an asset you could start a business that you build things for women they need built and wired if needed. And because of your female side you can make very helpful suggestions as to how to fill their needs in these items they may need built.<br />
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Best that I can tell there is really nothing wrong with you. Only a perception of something wrong. Sounds to me like you are working very well in your way and by your design. So what if you lean toward the female side. So what's next?<br />
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Here is a thought on the sleep issue even the women can use if they will. If this didn't work I would never say it in the first place. This also has other side benefits to go with it.<br />
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Try this, Find a comfortable place in your house and get into comfortable clothes and make sure there will be no interruptions. Take the phone off the hook and turn the music and computer off. No distractions. You can quiet your mind by sitting in a soft lighted room in a comfortable chair and only focus on your breathing. Stay with the breathing and allow you mind to clear of all other thoughts.<br />
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While you are focused on your breathing you will find other things start to happen. When you get yourself to the chill out stage you will find you will have interesting feelings you have not had before. Go with these feelings as they are from a Source you have not been introduced to before but, have always been there.<br />
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If you have always felt that there is more to life and you feel that it has escaped you somehow you will find those answers in this state of mind and do not be afraid of them. As you let go and feel the feelings that will wash over you, you'll have a peace that you have not known. Let me know how well this works for you. This is a take your time event.

Hello itoshinoERI:<br />
Thank you, It is nice to meet you as well. :~)