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I Regret Adopting...

we adopted our daughter at the age of 11, and her bio brother at the age of 2. There were behavior problems from the beginning, but we managed trying various counselors etc. However this past spring my adoptive daughter assaulted me, choked me. She is now in residential treatment. We are trying to get her the help she needs, going thru counseling. We are empathetic to her past...but she crossed a line. I do not want to "give up on her" like all the adults in her life. BUT I regret bringing her into our life. I feel obligated to take her back...and it is difficult to want to take back a person that violently attacked you. I do not trust her, or forgive her.

I think adopting older children is a joke! and I would NEVER recommend it to anyone. I blame the system that lets children stay to long in abusive places without giving them the proper therapy to help them get over their pain.

 

regret2003 regret2003 31-35 73 Responses Dec 25, 2008

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I adopted a sociopath teenager. I didn't know it at the time. Had I known I NEVER would have brought that monster into my home. He played the victim very well. He manipulated my husband and I into adopting him after turning 18 so we could avoid dealing with his borderline mother. I loved that kid so much, as did my husband and other children. He stole from us, lied to us, emotionally abused he to the point where I am being treated for PTSD. His birth mother has called DHS and the police on me, using her favorite claim of "child rape. " my adopted son is over a foot taller than I am, and significantly stronger. I did not give him everything he wanted, I set boundaries and he crossed them daily. He was caught in his Web of lies dozens of times, and always had an excuse for his behavior. Everything was always someone else's fault. Always. He stole because I didn't put my debit card away, he cheate on girlfriend's because he was stressed, he smoked weed because he was traumatized, blah, blah, blah. When he stopped paying his luxury bills--cell phone and car insurance--we took those things away and limited his social life until he could prove himself worthy of freedom. Instead of finishing his grounding (a whole 2 weeks) and completing high school, he bailed. He took it further by writing a pity partyou note, then embarked on a smear campaign against us. When I asked for stolen property back, he called the police and said I was harassing him. A few weeks later my husband sent him a message asking for more stolen items back, he AGAIN called the police claiming we harassed him. He will not face us, he has discarded me like trash. He sometimes texts my husband, but he's always rude. Have I mentioned he is giving me the silent treatment for almost 3 months???

I am heartbroken and devastated. I loved him like my own. I want everyone to know what a monster he is.

That's so hard. You must be devastated. Have friend in similar situation. Hope my daughter's just having an identity crisis. But it's very hard place to be as an adopter at times no matter how much you love them.

Wow just wow. I understand that it can be hard to adopt people with behaviour problems. I know this because i'm adopted me and my siblings were all split up and sent to different families. I have a brother with severe behavioural problems and i've seen his adoptive mother struggle but i also know that no matter how hard you may find it to look after a child like this that child has found life tougher and never forget you have a longer life experience you know that life contains good and bad for this poor child they know only bad for all they know life will be like that forever and in their small life they have gone through more the majority of adults would never in their whole life go through so please i know it can be hard but respect the fact that the child didn't choose their path they didn't want any of this. And they most certainly dont do it on purpose. I just wonder how many of you have contemplated how hurt and upset your child would be if he/she saw your post about them??? It would DESTROY them i promise you that.

That's why I use experience project to discuss with complete anonymity. It helps to know you're not the only parents going through this.

my parents adopted two children who crucified my parents in very different ways. For us younger biological children our lives were made absolute hell. Hellish unfortunately for us we were biological children and that was the problem.

My parents did everything they could to show the adopted children, that they were loved, adored etc. Nothing was ever good enough, no amount of love was enough, no amount of telling them they were loved was enough. Nothing was every enough. One of adopted sibling made my own childhood a complete hellish experience. From I was very young I new that they despised me and they wished been born. The one that was the worst to me, punished my parents for not being their biological parents.

The adopted siblings in my family were both adopted as babies and had growing emotional and psychological as the grew from children to adults. No matter what help support or love they got, it was always about them being the victims, when really it was our entire family that were the victims of these two adopted people, who played cruel psychological mind games just to see how it would affect us all.

I agree with your screen name, neveradopt39. You should definitely not adopt; clearly your own experiences tainted you.

I'm an adult adoptee, and I have a different perspective. Many (most?) adoptive parents come to adoption for the wrong reasons. Maybe they have no other options to becoming parents, or they think they're doing a good deed (like bringing a pet home from a shelter), or they think adoption will be a less burdensome path to parenthood. I accept the sadness of my upbringing as part of my life's tapestry, which led me to the blessings of my husband and our children. But there is part of me that realizes I could have been spared a lot of trauma had I been raised in a group home.

Nobody wants to be someone's choice of last resort, or pity project, or ego booster. The hard-heartedness I find among so many adoptive parents on sites like this is confirmation that many (most?) adoptive parents are ill-equipped to adopt in the first place.

Being an adopter can be terribly difficult. The child will often feel pain and lash out because you're the mom figure. Not always you they're mad with Biology plays a part too. No matter how strong you are its not easy. I fear my own adopted daughter will hate me when she's older as I do what I can to make her behave reasonably and not be rude. I pray she sees that I'm trying to be a strong parent for her. I pray she eventually realises that I am trying to help her learn how to deal with the world. Not just stopping her having fun. :-(

Funny thing is, when we are writing a reply, we read right above the post button "Please respond with authenticity, support, and respect".
I think some people lack support and respect.

I do think there are 4 different types of families: good families who adopt trouble children, bad families who adopt trouble children, good families who adopt good child and bad families who adopt trouble children.
The trouble children may be troubled by a infinite list of causes: all kinds of abuses, being the children of addicts, etc.
The bad family as well may be inserted in these causes.
This woman might be a troubled person who adopted a troubled child, or a good person who adopted a trouble child. Is she making this all up? I don't think so. I wouldn't go for the bad parent good kid formula here.
If she is a troubled person, she needs help. If she isn't, she might need help to cope with a situation that she has never been in. This help may come from strangers, if she's not yet prepared for counseling, and it may come from therapy. I don't know if she has any therapy going on for her, but here she is, trying to get some support from strangers, and she's not even saying she's giving up on the child, she's only talking about a feeling that she has, and feelings can only be changed if they are first acknowledged, then accepted. If she runs away from this feeling things just get worse.
I also don't know how old this kid is - if she tried to choke her mom, I imagine she may be old enough to have the strength to do this. If she is old enough (say 16 or more), then I'd say she can be a risk to this person. Only she, the mother, can know if she's in danger and act upon it. What if this kid tries to kill her with a knife? She might defend herself and kill the kid first. Is it a good ending? I don't think so. Nor is it if the kid actually manages to hurt the mother. I don't think this is a common issue on adopting. Maybe the majority of adoptions have good endings, but this is a different case, that brings danger to her family and life. If my birth son tried to kill me, and he were old enough, I would get the hell out of his life as soon as I could. I don't think being a good parent means letting the child do all sorts of things to you.
Finally, I have never been in this situation. I am not the mother, I am not the child, and my child never tried to kill me. I do have an abusive mother from which I have been keeping apart, because I learned to protect myself from her and gave me this permission.
I don't have anything to say to the adopted people who aggressively wrote things here but that this isn't your story. Different stories should be read differently and acted upon differently as well. Of course this is all my opinion, and I love this website for giving everyone their own voice. Still, it's an experience project. It might fade one day.

Until you try to parent a kid with RAD you have no idea how difficult and frustrating it is. I wonder if anyone reading this has parented a RAD kid and been happy to have had the experience.

Well said!

I think that when one makes the decision to adopt, they take a leap of faith. No one knows what the outcome is until they bring the child into their home and try to raise them. I feel that the negative comments made in response to the original post is very judgemental. It's easy to criticize and tell others what they should do and how they should feel as long as you are not in their shoes. To those who are criticizing, it would be interesting to see what YOU would be willing to tolerate if you were in their shoes. Adopt a foster child who has been abandoned and mistreated, and stand by that child even if it costs you EVERYTHING. If you are not willing to do that yourselves, then keep your mouths shut and stop judging others who tried their best.

God, sometimes it's hard to tolerate even your blood related child… It's part of being a parent, especially to kids with a difficult behavior.

I have an adopted teenage sister and you hit the nail on the head.

Here here! It's not an easy task

I was an older child that was adopted. You sound like the type of person who shouldn't of adopted period! My adoptive mother had no idea what she was doing and put me through all kinds of abuse along with my younger sibling. As I got older I began to retaliate. I left when I was 16. I am now 26 and a parent myself and I've been working with children for 7 years. I know it takes a strong, warm hearted, selfless person to adopt an older child. This world that we live in does not have enough of these kinds of people. ba<x>sed on what you wrote, and how you wrote it, it's plain to tell that this is not a category you fit into.

You shoulda considered that before you adopted. The individual is a child that had issues & needed love, not a pair of shoes you take back cause they dont fit. I feel sorry for the child. You are not loyal, have no wisdom and u are weak. Please stay away from that child. They need a strength & love you dont have. YOU should be ashamed of yourself. Its either you are gonna love or not. SOMETIMES Love IS HARD WORK. I am so ashamed of you.

I think you should be ashamed of your response. We all think we have the strength and love to endure such an experience. I'll tell you that after 20 years of trying everything including all my time, love and attention to get through to my two addicted adopted children and not having much success, the love fades. I'm tired of the abuse and the loneliness and having to just constantly put up with it all because i have no other choice. I no longer think I can retire and still support the ongoing therapy, court fees and whatever else comes along. It's their turn to understand that it is up to them to pull some sort of life together because I am not a miracle worker. I know how this woman feels and all I can say to her is to let go of the anger and be endlessly patient and do what you must do to be safe.
Stop judging in such a harsh manner.

I adopted a sibling group of three boys and for years I have tried to get help for these ODD, RAD, ADD, etc children. I lost my marriage, my jobs and my home. No one will help and when I try I get shunned. I do not know what. To do anymore!!!

Role up your sleeves and try harder. You should have considered issues b4 u adopted. As a parent you try, try, try, keep trying, try, try some more, try, try and try again. Parenting is selfless.

Try reuniting them with their birth mother. The evidence is overwhelming that it is good for the children to know that she still loves them, which I am sure she does.

Have tried in my own case but she doesn't want to know.

My husband and I will be splitting soon. I'm trying to get psychological support for my adopted daughter but have long wait on NHS here in UK

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Oh, so sorry for your pain. But you have no idea what it feels like to be the kid that lost their mother. As a child it is incomprehensible pain that overwhelms you and complicates everything. It's sickening, disturbing and just wrong. Whatever you are going through pales in comparison to the pain the adopted child goes through. Look up Joe Soll. He can help all of you. myadoptionexperience.weebly.com

Preach! They come across like they expected jus $ & an easy time. Love is work. There should b a more lengthly screening process b4 these hurting children are released into these individuals care. GOD PLEASE BLESS THESE CHiLDREN with strong parents that understand love is work (like u did me)

In UK adopters are not paid.

The UK screening took 12 months when we did it.

I'm not adopted and I have the same problems. You don't have to trust but you have to love her. You can't push her away, do you realize what she went through?

Dear UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Thank you for saving me. Thank you for implementing plans/services/agencies to help children find families. But, please, please take it a little further & create a more extensive screening process and follow ups. I was orphaned, I was in foster care and i was also adopted, but I am also graduating from college this coming june. In addition, I have held down a job as a Tutor/Professors Assistant for ten years while being a Single Mother. What I am most proud of...what I reflect everyday is how in 1998 my adopted mother sat straight up on her death bed just to tell everyone in the room how proud she was of me. I am especially humbled when my child and I finish singing at church my Adopted Dad sits on the pew and weeps. He told me that despite the negative things people told him about adoption and to give up on me he never did. Daddy said that carpal tunnel surgery on both hands, two heart surgeries, a host if other ailments and one meal of per day of pills he has to take to survive, is NOTHING cause hes WANTS to live because he is happy because of me. Omg it feels good to hear them say "You were worth the struggle." USA thanks again please continue to invest in ALL of your citizens. If there is any help that my Gov. needs...in this area & in Education, call on me. :)

I totally understand how you feel. I regret adopting too. Out of four adopted siblings I have one who is a really good kid with a normal outlook on life. The other three are living the life their genetics have predisposed them too.
The oldest daughter (now 17) has been in and out of the psych ward since she was 5, and now that she is a teen the doc says he is pretty sure she has antisocial personality disorder to the highest degree. No amount of medicine or counseling can cure that!!!! Her next stop should be jail, she already has a juv record and all they give these kids is a slap on the wrist because they don't want to clog the system up with them....
The worst thing I ever did was adopt these kids. Nature OUTRULES NURTURE and dont' let anyone tell you any differently. There is no bond... They have stolen, lied, brought druggie criminals into our home and are well known by the police in three towns. I AM AGAINST ADOPTION! I THINK ALL CHILDREN SHOULD STAY WITH THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS because no matter what type of life you offer them... genetics take over eventually.
These kids have given me nothing by heartache.

Omg...the way you sound. Soooo if a child loses its parents what then. I am so scared for theses children. Maybe children who lose their parents can be taken into military life. The military is waaaay more loyal and they have the resources to help these children and grow them into DYNAMIC compassionate loyal human beings. My Adopted Dad served as a Marine.

This is disgusting. My biological parents were awful people. So that means I'm bound to be like them? There are kids that do this even when they I have great parents.

She has severe trauma from being adopted, no, abandoned, if you thought of her like a true mother you wouldn't consider "giving up on her" that's what she's trying to see, test your love because its something that can be taken in her eyes. And in the life of the adopted its true. Love is to be earned because no one else wanted you anyways.

Yes, yes, yes. However please yall remember some children are orphaned at no fault of their own. Accidents, homicide all sorts of circumstances can render a child parentless. Wish I could sit down & talk to POWER about this. God please help these children.

That was a bold and honest story. thank you.

My husband and I are going through the adoption process now we want to adopt a sibling group of kids maybe 3 we want a big family and I expect lots of chaos lots of noise and lots of joy. We don't have lots of money we work hard and struggle like most people and we have a grown up biological child. I'm excited! I can't wait! I want to fill the kids with adventures dreams and hope for their future. While doing our best to ease their nightmares and insecurities. We are not perfect and know its a going to be a roller coaster but hey bring it on! We will give it our all.

MAY GOD BLESS YOU, KEEP YOU AND WALK WITH WHOM YOU LOVE. From someone who was adopted

See?

Well done good and faithful servant.

Oh god you have no idea what you are in for. I have to be honest and tell you that you are living in a world of fantasy that you created in your mind and if, by the .00000001% chance that even one of them turns out to not be the total destruction of your entire being, you will at the least go insane and lose everything. It's not a roller coaster. It's a Stephen King movie.

they are going to need rehabilitation. You CAN do it! please keep me posted!

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I was adopted at birth and it was quite clear to everyone when I was a little bit older that my adopted Parents should never have been Parents at all. They were verbally abusive, denied me medical care that almost killed me and if I cried, told me they would send me to an orphanage.
What these so-called Parents don't realize, is that they could have had biological children that would not be perfect! They are in denial thinking that if they had a natural child, the child would never cry, be angry or do anything wrong.
A child is brought into this world as a blank slate. If you think that a child holds all the responsibilities fore their actions and as an adult, you had nothing to do with their behavior...you are in total denial. You are right. You should have never adopted a child. Quite frankly, it is a blessing you were unable to have children at all.

Omg. I feel sorry that God has to watch some of the things that take place. I am sooo sorry u went through that. If u need family...call on me

I was there! I was told everyday I should be thankful they adopted me, because no one else wanted me. Everyday I wished my life would end because I had enough. Now I couldn't be more happy with my life raising a family of my own. I do plan to adopt an older child one day as well. I know what it's like to want to be part of a family so bad, and not feel as if I fit in.

Does not mean you will be able to do a damn thing about it though. Trust on this one. You're in for a rude awakening if you think that you know how to CHANGE a child and let them feel like they FIT IN because you didn't. Watch and see.

It is people like you, that should stay away from adopting. Believe it or not, there are successful adoption stories, with children who have major issues. Look at what you wrote. I never said I am looking to change a child. That is where the unsuccessful adoptions stem from. I left my "home" at 16, and my younger sister left at 12. Social workers and friends of my adoptive parents told them that they tried their best, and that we were just a "bad batch." No one told them what they were doing wrong. I guess it is easier to just blame your inabilities on a child instead. Lot's of people adopt as they want that picture perfect family. These children need rehabilitation. I work with troubled youth. I have seen many cases in failed adoptions, and failed parenting. You failed. Face it. You couldn't handle it. Perhaps you should work with these children first before you take on the role of rehabilitating them full time. I am appalled at some of these post's. I see it all the time, and it still continues to shock me.

That's so sad. I feel privileged to be an adopter.

I have always realised birth children can be troubled but I worry that as I have no idea of parental genetics that I won't help daughter with what she needs. However I am in this for my lifetime. I have the same commitment to my pets too. It has however helped immensely to know that I'm not the only one with these problems.

Zuniga, you don't know that this person was unable to have children. You don't know the reasons she adopted, because she did not state that. Many people (like you) seem to assume that only infertile people adopt children. Its simply not true. Many people adopt for all kinds of reasons, not just infertility.

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Wendy and kitkat are idiots in my book. Love is not enough. Look up the book by nancy thomas. These kids are sometimes beyond repair. I have had experts in RAD tell me to relinquish, if I want to have a life. Experts!

Yup. Sooo those who cant stand the potential struggle, LEAVE THESE CHILDREN ALONE. Please STAY AWAY FROM THEM. They need emotionally STRONG gaurdians

Agreed. They are clueless. Until you have a child with RAD you simply cannot ever know. They think it will not happen to them. They think love conquers all. They are so wrong.

I am in the same boat. My daughter is only 7 and the worst nightmare I have ever experienced. I want to give her back and would do so in a heartbeat. My life has suffered because of her and her RAD. I can honestly say I hate her and want to put her up for adoption again. No one told me she had RAD or I would have never adopted her in the first place. I feel for you and wish I could give mine away too.

Shame on you. What a disgusting thing to say. Children are not PETS. If you were expecting a child to be a certain way you were obviously too immature to take on the role of a mother. That child is hurting inside. That child is a CHILD. And you hate it? Sick. You're like my step mother who told me I was stupid and that she didnt have to love me. I am an adult now, well behaved and well functioning but guess what? That haunts me even today, especially since I was a good kid. But even if I had been a terrible child, no one deserves to be taken into a family without any say in it themselves, then be discarded like some object. Makes me bloody sick. Makes me love my adopted dad even more for keeping me as long as he did. Gosh this is disgusting

News Flash: All children are terrible in the eyes of weak guardians.

Weak guardians? LMAO
A child with RAD will turn Mother Theresa into Mommy Dearest in a NY second my darling. You're clueless. lolololol

Stop being so judgmental. You are not this kid, you don't know this kid and you don't know the adopting mother to understand what's going on. I has nothing to do with your story. Let people express their emotions even if it's something that seems bad. This is why this website exists.

It has nothing to do with your story, I meant.

Exactly. As though these people set out to adopt a child and then hate them. Please. They wanted a family and someone to love just like everyone else. It just so happens that adopted children for the MOST part (especially the older ones who have had major PTSD and attachment issues) are a WHOLE other story. I feel for the children and the parents and society but no one deserved to be judged EXCEPT the ones talking holier than though trash about parents of RAD kids being "bad" people. They are idiots.

I am in tears, tears, parenting is selfless. She is not worth your money, house, car, comfort???????? True parents would die for their children. I am so ashamed but glad this is exposed. (Adopted person in tears)

Try adopting or having children, having them grow up and then judge. Seriously. It is hard with a normal child, I can't imagine with a troubled one. Even if she isn't the holy saint mother that she "should" be (is there such a thing in the world? I don't believe so), she would only know this by being it. Life is an experience and we are all trying to do our best. Sometimes it's not enough for some people but it doesn't mean we didn't try.

You don't deserve the title mom.

Well then why don't you try to find her birth mother. Chances are she never stopped loving her daughter, and would give anything to have her back.

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I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering. It cannot be easy trying to love someone who only gives you pain, disrespect and hurt back. I hope that you can find a way to get some relief. Maybe placing the child in a therapeutic group home would be best for you and for the rest of your family. That is not giving up on her but it is allowing you to have some time to regroup and get some respite.

Perhaps the parents should train...develop themselves into stronger people. Maybe the parents were not strong enough.

That sounds like my story. My title is "exhausting".

I raised 4 children and have done receiving care for foster kids for 15 years. after getting an 11 year old back from foster/adopt homes several times over 2 years, we asked her if she wanted us to adopt. We felt bad that she was being jerked around by the state. 3 years later she has decided that she wants to live w a birth sister who has her own 24/7 party house. Since we said no she has made enough allegations to make the school think we are pervs, the office wonder at my sanity and her birth family to call cps after every visit. I just can't stand her. She's a rad kid with passive/aggressive defiance. She charms the pants off of every adult who she feels can further her cause and I spend all my time putting out the fires. I'm tired. My husband is tired.
In a year she can go to job corp, or in 2 she can marry, or in 3 she can get the hell out. Those are my target days.
And for those adults who are so bitter about their childhood? We didn't cause those issues. We are just doing the best we can do. It may not have been a great job but it was the best that could have been done in an impossible situation...

Heckle NO! She dont go to stay in no 24/7 party hole. She is your investment, your love, the project God gave YOU. Fight tooth and nail for her. Love her like you would have wanted if you had lost your parents and needed love.

You should look her straight in the eye with your hands on her shoulders and say the following: "I am going to give you the love I would have wanted and needed had I lost my own parents at a young age."

If you have not done so already, why don't you get off your high horse; adopt a foster child with serious issues, and sacrifice EVERYTHING to raise it even if the child has been so traumatized it gives you nothing but grief??

I am an adopted child and I think you are selfish but I do understand your point of view. Please don't give up on her and find it in your heart to forgive her. Help her through and be there for here, things can only get better.

She tried to KILL this woman, people. KILL. This is not like lying or not obeying.

I think more people regret adopting more than it is spoken of. Your are simply honest about what you feel and there it is a burden lifted...I hope. As for children staying too long in 'abusive places', ( homes) I totally agree that the system definitely needs to investigate and update polices on that one. When all is said and done, we never know what an outcome with an adopted child will be. With ones own child it might be more easily predicted...but then, our biological children might also hold surprises that are unimaginal. We have adopted a child who is now seven years old. She was sexually abused but we didn't know it until she told of her suffering to myself and several of my friends who were seated around my kitchen table. Since then we have tried counseling, praying and a more understanding than I knew i had; not to mention love...but still raising her has been hell on earth. Do I regret adopting her? Most days I do. Then there are the sweet moments were she makes my heart smile with admiration. She is young and impresionable and very much in need of constant supervision. My regret is that her biological mother did not 'mother' her properly and that she (the child) will probably never have a lasting relationship that is meaniful. She is ADHA and that is a hard thing ti deal with. As I stated most days I regret having taken her in, but then I ask God to help me to meet the challenge because after all, I have forever prayed for Him to make me His servant. As I serve this taxing tour of duty as mom to an adopted child, the servant in me praise God that he has chosen me to remove a child from a horrible life and give her safety. Blessings to you for your honesty.

What you have wrote here I feel is entirely appropriate. In order to help her, you need to be able to be as pure of heart as you can be. You need some time to yourself, so you can mend. Help her find that one thing that she feels makes her feel good. A healthy passion. Something soul cleansing. For me. haha its snowboarding. I reflect on so many things while up there in those mountains. Maybe go on a mission together. You see the spark in her eyes are still there, the task is already partially done for you. Good luck, and keep posted!

So my friend says, get off that site...it's a trap. She's right. The fact that there is a place where people are permitted to be this "sick" in public, is sick in it self. Guess what world, I was adopted, sexually abused by their older sons (at church mind you), made to stay quiet...bla bla bla...I left at 17...put myself through college, became very successful and have a wonderful family! I have many friends who were adopted and friends who have adopted and have never seen such garbage. People, you create your destiny, you create your heaven and you create your hell! READ the Secret and save those babies you said you would raise! The problem is not adoption, it's your parenting! Find a life coach!

PS...still think "Ihateyou74" made this night worth reading the madness!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and YES

It's called Freedon of Speech. Look it up. If you don't like it then go to North Korea.

As a person who was adopted, I think people should be investigated before even being allowed to adopt. Maybe you weren't one who should have. The regret is yours for a reason...maybe you need help, not her. I am saddened when I hear parents turn to weakness as their form of strength. Find another source of strength and try again. Who is your daughter attracted to and emulate that. Let go of ego. I don't believe in second chances...but as many as it takes to get it right. It took courage to reveal your weakness but the courage really is finding your strength.

Omg...preach it!

She is. And she will....until KARMA comes around and bites her in the holier than thou a$$.

I have three adopted children and honestly, I regret adopting one...the oldest. She was only 4 when legally adopted, though living with us since 2 1/2. She was allowed visitations with old foster family who mistreated us and her bio-mom, whom we love, but unhealthy and incarcinated.

Her issues are beyond my ability to deal with. Counseling twice weekly (diagnosis of RAD) and lots of 1 on 1 with my husband and I, but regardless of methods and reasoning, no acceptance of our love.
Infact, the older she has gotten (5 1/2 now) the more angry, vindictive, manipulative and hurtful she has become, especially towards me. She regularly tells me she doesn't love me,wants to live with her old foster family and/or wants to run away or be given away. I know it's so heartbreaking she has to deal w this but being human and a mom of an additional 3 young kids, it hurts and sucks. I love and despise her almost simultaneously. I have a warped, negative view of adoption as well. I don't recommend to anyone who inquires. I cry myself to sleep nightly. Having a child you cannot console or love/return love is insanely difficult. The hardest thing to deal with is NO ONE understands, even my husband. We view everything in opposites and he absolutely thinks I am wrong, confused or misunderstanding when she lies/manipulates. I get through my days by imagining/fantasizing about the type of life, marriage and mother I'd be if I hadn't adopted her. I need therapy but last one I had, I was unable to confide completely in. I would love to feel understood and validated. I'm lonely in a despair. Does anyone have advise, free of criticism ?

Law of attraction!

Enough with the KOOLAID. Go back to Amway and sell your crap and STFU!

Wendy,

I am sorry you went through such an awful experience when adopted. So unfair. I think it's wonderful you were able to rise above and become successful with your own family. I just find it difficult to understand why you choose to criticize others who have adopted children whom they are struggling to parent. Most of us would kill anyone who even thought about hurting our child, as you were hurt.
I researched for a year and questioned children adopted through the system before even attempting the process of becoming a foster/adoptive home. Despite being 'aware' of situations and issues these children may have, no one can prepare you for the actual experience itself. I agree that if you choose to adopt, regardless of the child's issues, you Do NOT give up or mistreat them. I don't agree with 'returning' a child but i do respect that someone who is hurt enough to consider it, is valid to feel anyway they choose to feel. This includes, expressing these feeling. I believe, if used appropriately, forums like these are beneficial to me and others struggling to express themselves, gain validation &amp; be heard. It is hard on me and others like me, as a parent, who loves my child &amp; won't give up or stop. What happens/happened to my child hurts me as well. You are a mother, so you no doubt understand that aspect. I am human. I still have thoughts of regret, regardless of whether I'd ever act on my feelings. They are mine. This makes them valid. By expressing frustrations, and yes, venting through my writings, I can live another day, continue to help my child heal and am a better mother because i feel understood. It aggravates my situation though, when people, such as yourself, use this type forum as a way to deal w your negative experience. This helps no one. why not find a forum for others with your background? Why people go on forums to take out aggressions and give negative, hateful replies is beyond me. Everyone is struggling, surviving &amp; NO ONE makes improvements by being disregarded and called names.

You should not feel criticized by me. I believe you are missing the point...a forum is not the place. I accidentally found this forum and was appalled that mothers would seek the advice of strangers and expect no criticism. I thought I gave you great advice...law of attraction. It was not meant to be a criticism it was meant be the advice you asked for. I will not apologize for my words as you must understand perception is reality and from my seat you mothers sound very selfish. Seriously, read the law of attraction, read the secret, it's on Netflix but stop spreading a negative perception of adoption and validating mother's who are struggling because it has nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with parenting; everything to do with that person's ability to cope with their emotions. Biological mothers go through the same thing. So what's the next story, I regret having children? That's why a forum is inappropriate. You should be talking with a professional therapist about this and not strangers. Furthermore, if you are going to put yourself out there then expect some criticism. Until you actually try my advice I don't think its fair to continue being defensive. You attracted advice because you ask for it, now attract a solution. Allyson, I deal with kids like your daughter everyday. You can do this. I'm successful because I'm good at what I do, I don't back down, especially to a 5 year old. You can do this.

Your advice is the Law of Attraction?
You are the most arrogant, pompous, preaching, know-it-all I've ever known of.
Get over yourself.

ps...music and dance therapy found to be great for children with RAD...also yoga therapy. Find a certified yogafit provider if you can. RAD is similar to PTSD. I personally have seen great results using yoga for children with emotional disorders. Make sure you find a good provider. That is why I recommend a YogaFit provider.

A great article to start with:Effects of yoga on the autonomic nervous system, gamma-aminobutyric-acid, and allostasis in epilepsy, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
C.C. Streeter a,!, P.L. Gerbarg b, R.B. Saper c, D.A. Ciraulo a, R.P. Brown d

You are in despair because you are not thinking like a parent. I dONT care if you end up broke and homeless...roll up your sleeves and work. true parenting is selfless. True parenting can be hard work

I am so sorry. You can message me. People just don't get it.

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Adoption is a special thing once you sign those papers it's the parents job to take care of the child. She may have crossed a line but the first thing you need to do is forgive. I haven't been as forgiving and it has cost me so much. Don't hold a grudge against a child it's not worth it. That child has gone through so much and is still dealing with it. Older children are difficult in general and if she was abused I can understand her lashing out. I really can because at one point I was abused. I haven't moved on and I still have a lot of trust issues with people. It's not easy but she needs to know you will always be there for her. I am sorry if this offends but at the same time your not her and you have no clue as to what she really went through.

The system, you are the system. All of you sorry SOB's are a joke. You want people to feel sorry for you because you were not up to the task. Every one of you has more college than common sense. If i buy a car that I cannot afford it is my fault, if you did not know what you were getting into it is yours. You make a good case for the extinction of the human race or just fat lazy Americans who want children to respect them, but have no desire or will to teach them. I would hate to associate cancer or AIDS with a POS like you, but you should cease to be.
PS
florence miller can suck it

How sweet. Your parents must be very proud.