I Regret Adopting...

we adopted our daughter at the age of 11, and her bio brother at the age of 2. There were behavior problems from the beginning, but we managed trying various counselors etc. However this past spring my adoptive daughter assaulted me, choked me. She is now in residential treatment. We are trying to get her the help she needs, going thru counseling. We are empathetic to her past...but she crossed a line. I do not want to "give up on her" like all the adults in her life. BUT I regret bringing her into our life. I feel obligated to take her back...and it is difficult to want to take back a person that violently attacked you. I do not trust her, or forgive her.

I think adopting older children is a joke! and I would NEVER recommend it to anyone. I blame the system that lets children stay to long in abusive places without giving them the proper therapy to help them get over their pain.


regret2003 regret2003
79 Responses Dec 25, 2008

We adopted two boys from foster care, one 6 weeks and one 7 1/2. I loved them both with all of my heart and sought medical care and support for the younger brother who has severe cognitive disabilities, RAD and Bipolar Disorder. The older boy we could not have loved more and he appeared to be the "perfect" son. We found out too late that over a two year period he had been grooming and molesting our biological (younger) children as well as our other adopted son. He also sexually abused 15 additional children. Not one of them said a word and some could not since they were ranging in age from 4 months to 10 years old. We tried help at a residential treatment facility and after spending $70,000 for two years of care, he has shown no remorse for anything but his own loss of family and his own circumstance. He never admitted to his crimes but via polygraph we were able to identify all victims and notify their families. My husband is adopted and is a wonderful, caring and amazing father. I only wish we would have known the risks of bringing an older child into a family of younger children, even when he appeared "perfect."

I also regret what adopting an older child has done to my family. If it were only about the adopted child, then I would be ok because she is out of a country that did the damage to her and will be able to move on to a better life in this country. However, what about the children she has hurt since being here? This is what I have learned from my adopting experience..NEVER judge someone unless you have walked in their shoes. NEVER assume that they decided to adopted for all the wrong reasons and NEVER condemn them as being horrible parents because they can't love a child who was destroyed by other people who didn't care about that child. Give them the credit for TRYING to do something good for someone else! People fail all the time. Since when did allowing an adopted child to DESTROY another child's life become acceptable? All any of us can do is give it our best. If we have to throw in the towel to save others, then that is not wrong! Most importantly though....STOP JUDGING!!

I have 3 biological children and 2 adopted children. I bonded naturally and joyfully with our biological kids, but I never bonded with the adopted ones. They have lived with us for 5 years and they are six years old. I try to just take it one day at a time and do my best, but I don't love them. It breaks my heart. How horrible to grow up with a mother who doesn't love you? I know, ya'll. It's my job to love them, so I continue to feel massively guilty.

But, even after five years of being in our home, I st wonder if it would be better to disrupt and find another home for them, because as they get older they will realize that I adore my biological kids, but my adopted kids just make me weary and sad.

That seems like a horrible life for a child: to be a second class citizen in their own home.

I have tried to love them for five years, and it has been five years of agony.

Every direction from here will be traumatic for our family.

I decided to try to find some support on the internet because much like you I am struggling with the decision we made to adopt our now 7 year old daughter . We were fostering and had plans to adopt her younger brother, who we had since he was 4 months old. We got the call that his older sister, who we thought was adopted by a family member, was available and would we be interested. We were told that her aunt had become ill and decided not to adopt her. We prayed about it and decided to meet her. After more prayer we felt led to take her. We are very bonded with her brother but like you I feel no love for his sister at all. She had a very rough 5 years of life before coming to us and the behavior issues prove that. She has gotten better but has turned our family upside down. Our bio children can't stand her and there is a tension in the house when she is home. I feel like a terrible person. I am glad I am not alone. Like you said am I doing her a worse thing by raising her in a home where she is not loved? Her bio family is completely screwed up or I think I would consider giving her back to them.

I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. It has to be so difficult to be in that position and not know what the best thing to do is. Are your adopted kids in trouble a lot? I feel bad for them too because your right-- they will eventually realize that your favor your bio kids. In fact, I'm sure they probably already realize it at some level. Have you thought about trying to find them a another good home to adopt them? That would be better than putting them into the foster care system which is never a good place for kids. I wonder why you were unable to bond with them. Do you have any insight regarding why the bonding never happened? Maybe talking to a psychologist along with the children would help or not. It might be worth a try. I hope and pray you can find a way to love them because all kids deserve a mom and dad to love them. I wish you the best of luck! :)

i think in the beginning you should off evulated your ability to care for an adopted child and if you are truly ready to care unconditionally for him/her/them.no ones perfect for sure i may be wrong but were you really trying???why do they make you sad as you said? is it them or you?it maybe just you.Maybe just endure for a night which can be a few years, but the morning is sure to come .good things come to those who wait.hope now its not to late .make an out of the way effort to care and you ll get results.Despite all said if you dont really want to inside or care to be plain it is not possible.

my aunt and uncle adopted a girl last year who was 13 and turned 14 a month after they got her.She starting wetting the bed and having day time accidents,so the put her into diapers and plastic pants and she was wearing them 24/7.She started acting more and more like a baby and having temper tantrums and being stubborn.they tried reasoning with her and tried other methods to straighten out her behavior but to no avail.she is now three months away from turning 15 and still wearing the diapers and plastic pants and acting like a baby.

I'm adopted.

When I was 4 and my own mother neglected me, it wasn't like a person neglected me. Back then she was the only person I knew, trusted, counted on, and she was "all the people I knew".

She left.

4 years old, I had no idea when she will come back, I was terrified, scared and most of all -- from this point on, all the trust for the people I had gained, was gone. It was my first, really-really strong negative emotion. Do you know what it feels like to be 4 years old going through a trust crises? Do you know how awful it feels like when you have no one to trust, nowhere to go to, when people you don't know want to replace your parents? How can you replace somebody's mother?

When I was 15 I overheard my stepmother saying she doesn't understand me and wanted to gave me back. It felt like I was 4 years old again. Only difference being this time I knew what was suicide. First 2 weeks I sat in my room and cried. 15 years old, almost a man. Why? Because every day, every f-ing day I felt like I was NOT WANTED. Outsider. Visitor with no home to return to. Stepparents are not parents, they are strangers, no matter how hard they try. And no home is really a home if you feel as an outsider. You live in a temporary shelter not because you want to but because it is the only option.

You feel like you have no power.

But no, you are not allowed to think this way, because it makes adopters feel uncomfortable and I'm supposed to be happy because I am the lucky one who has "parents". So you make a happy face because once they understand how you feel they give you back. You start to please people -- strategy to avoid neglect. If you are lucky you can pull it off, growing up to be "over thinker", because you constantly need to make sure people like you and don't want to give you up. You can't wait until you become 18 so you can leave and breathe freely.

And now you are 18. You leave home, but after 14 years of people pleasing you have no idea who you really are, because you grew up pleasing people to survive and have no idea who you really are. And because your own mother neglected you, you feel like it's your fault and you feel like sh*t.

I'm 33. I'm successful because I can read people miles away, I know when they are sad, mad, happy, worried etc. Because I have had this experience I don't whine, I suffer quietly and try to find solutions that work for me. I am successful outside. Inside I hate people because they are monsters. They are not trustworthy. They cause agony.

You think you are bad adopter? You are. You take in a child who has lost trust for humankind and you think it's adoptee's fault s/he doesn't love you, because you loved him/her so much. You call your adoptee "crazy"/"psycho"/"dangerous" -- if you actually cared, you would take time to fully understand what is going on in his/her head. You would read (Primary Wound), you would watch movies (Good Will Hunting), you would talk to grown adoptees to grasp what this broken soul feels, wants, needs. You wouldn't judge him/her because you have never been where s/he has been.

Adoption is like arranged marriage -- one day there might be trust, even love, but it's not something you can count on.

* NO ONE will replace mother. Stop trying. Adoptee needs a trusting friend to talk to. Someone to feel safe. A place to call his/her own, a safe place to hide from world. Never ever ask your adoptee to call you "mother", it will only alienate you from him/her.

* Adoptees are confused, anxious, so very angry. Fked up in a whole new dimension. Let them. Let them cry out their pain, it's needed. Give him/her a pair of boxing gloves, they absolutely need it. Encourage them to deal with the anger. Judging, neglecting breaks them even more, do you really want to be responsible for that?

* Before you decide to adopt, read the fking manual! There are countless number of books, movies, other adoptees. If something goes wrong, it is on you, because adoptee doesn't have any power, s/he is a victim. YOU have the power.

* adoptee is not a new posh gadget that will make you feel good about yourself. S/he is a troubled person! Think hard before you decide because if you fail, you make everything much more worse.

I am so very sorry you went through this. As a mother of an adopted son it hurts me to know you felt like this. I don't doubt that my son feels like this. I try to do the very best I can. I know he does too. I hear you, I hear what you are saying, and I appreciate that you wrote this. As a mother of an adopted son, I choose to love my son even when I know he has trouble loving he. I must also love him when I am having trouble liking him. It's hard for the parents and for the child. We are all doing the best we can. Again, thank you for your perspective. I really appreciate it.

i am sorry for what you had to go through.i really am. i agree with your reasoning and all you have said.i think its horrible some of the things these other people say about how it was a bad idea and want to give them back.i agree if only they would take the time to understand and care and love which will not happen over night but eventually will build some kind of relationship.adoption is not something anyone should do without incredible resolve and determinance and should not stop at the first set of turns which will come and may continue for a long time.

But with the right people and support i have seen some pretty hopeless kids come to love there adoptive parents and be proud and say with pride this is my mom and dad.
So it is possible

I am glad you turned out ok as a grown up, flaw but ok.

I too was adopted when I was 4. I was lucky to have an amazing father who loved me like his real daughter. I never doubt it ever. However, I was not so lucky in my mother... I honestly think my mother is bi-polar but it was never official, but life as a childhood was difficult. It used to hurt so much when my mother kept telling me she was not my mother every time we were arguing or telling to leave as it was not my home. It was very hard to love my mom and many times I question whether I love my mother or not. I never question it with my father, but it was really hard to bond with my mother like I see my friends' bond with their mother. It really does not help considering my own mother keep telling me herself she's not my mother.

I stayed though as I couldn't really be able to support myself if I had left in my teens, what could I have done really.

I finally moved out one day, but it was based on something I did that I find quiet shameful. My memories of my interaction with my other has always been of arguments. We might have a week of calm, but always after a week my mother would always have something else wrong she finds with me and comes yelling at me. Mostly I try to bear it and stay quiet, sometimes I can't and I do yell back, but there was one particular argument where I had enough and I couldn't stand it anymore as everything she said was contradicting and I was washing her dishes when she was yelling at me. I smashed those plates on the floor... All my anger I smashed it into the plates. It felt good, I am not going to lie, I never been able to release my anger before. I also knew which plates was her favorite and I smashed those first. It felt good.... but I did feel what I did was wrong hours later when I calmed down and felt it was not appropriate. It was the first time I felt scare of my own reaction and wonder if I continue to stay in this environment could I hurt someone with my anger. I have never been physical before, but I knew that pent up anger will be there in the future, there was no way my interaction with my mother would change. Luckily this happen when I finished university so I was at a point where I could move forward to the next step of life. I moved out in a month to another province using looking for work as an excuse.

However, my mother did not take very kindly to my move. I thought with distance maybe I can improve our relationship as maybe without me being so close she couldn't find as much fault with me as she would have if I live with her. How wrong I was....

Long story short, she has decided to cut her relationship with me, pretty much imply she is not my mother anymore as I had left her and all those money she spent on me to adopt me was a waste as she would not have a daughter to rely on her old age. I have for the past years come home every year for Christmas and spend all my vacations and try to call home every 2 weeks to talk to my parents, but none of my effort was recognized.

I am 30 now, and after one last final phone call where she pretty much imply our relationship cannot be mended as I have done too many things to hurt her she cannot forgive me. She told me to go away and leave her alone as my phone call hurt her health and she wants to recover. I have decided to finally listen and leave her alone, I will no longer try to connect with her anymore. I no longer have a mother. It really hurt to reach this place, but at the same times its almost a relief reaching this point as I really had tried. But its a relief I can finally leave her alone as every phone call was emotionally hurtful and I don't have to do it anymore.

The only thing is I know she will be telling everyone I have ditched her in her old age and never call. I know this because I get constant reminders from my relatives to call my mom more ...

I would not recommend adoption to other people based on my experience. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad and we bonded like a real father and daughter, but sometimes parents cannot bond with a child who is really different from them and that was the case with my mom. Not all adoption can be lucky to have that parent and child bond, maybe there is some that can bond like that buts it not guarantee. I don't blame any of the parents here who says they regret adoption .... because I was thinking if I had adopted a child like my mother I would have a hard time loving her. I cannot live a life of arguments and my mother had thrived in a life of arguments. If my mother had a biological child instead perhaps they might have gotten along better as they have the genetics to maybe have the same temperament.

Parents in the end who cannot bond with their adopted child, even though I am pretty sure they try sometimes its impossible, I think if this is the case, give them up. It might be better for everyone, especially for the child as the child will know.

I completely understand. We adopted 3 at once (two were twin 11 year olds, boy and girl). They never attached to us and blamed us for everything. And in this age of internet, they were in contact with their birth family. When trying to get help, the County said they would not unless they got violent. Really? What a joke, yes let's let it get that far. Now, we are paying thousands every month to have them in residential so we can keep our family safe. They will be 18 shortly and I want nothing to do with them. I feel horrible about it, but I have been lied to and manipulated on a daily basis for the last 6 years. My health and mental stae cannot take it. And for anyone who wants to judge, you seriously don't know what it's like. Please pray for me, I feel guilty all the time.

I would never adopt older kids. That is asking for it. It is always better to adopt a newborn or not adopt at all but some people are so desperate and HAVE to have a kid no matter what. I honestly don't understand why.

I adopted a sociopath teenager. I didn't know it at the time. Had I known I NEVER would have brought that monster into my home. He played the victim very well. He manipulated my husband and I into adopting him after turning 18 so we could avoid dealing with his borderline mother. I loved that kid so much, as did my husband and other children. He stole from us, lied to us, emotionally abused he to the point where I am being treated for PTSD. His birth mother has called DHS and the police on me, using her favorite claim of "child rape. " my adopted son is over a foot taller than I am, and significantly stronger. I did not give him everything he wanted, I set boundaries and he crossed them daily. He was caught in his Web of lies dozens of times, and always had an excuse for his behavior. Everything was always someone else's fault. Always. He stole because I didn't put my debit card away, he cheate on girlfriend's because he was stressed, he smoked weed because he was traumatized, blah, blah, blah. When he stopped paying his luxury bills--cell phone and car insurance--we took those things away and limited his social life until he could prove himself worthy of freedom. Instead of finishing his grounding (a whole 2 weeks) and completing high school, he bailed. He took it further by writing a pity partyou note, then embarked on a smear campaign against us. When I asked for stolen property back, he called the police and said I was harassing him. A few weeks later my husband sent him a message asking for more stolen items back, he AGAIN called the police claiming we harassed him. He will not face us, he has discarded me like trash. He sometimes texts my husband, but he's always rude. Have I mentioned he is giving me the silent treatment for almost 3 months???

I am heartbroken and devastated. I loved him like my own. I want everyone to know what a monster he is.

That's so hard. You must be devastated. Have friend in similar situation. Hope my daughter's just having an identity crisis. But it's very hard place to be as an adopter at times no matter how much you love them.

Wow just wow. I understand that it can be hard to adopt people with behaviour problems. I know this because i'm adopted me and my siblings were all split up and sent to different families. I have a brother with severe behavioural problems and i've seen his adoptive mother struggle but i also know that no matter how hard you may find it to look after a child like this that child has found life tougher and never forget you have a longer life experience you know that life contains good and bad for this poor child they know only bad for all they know life will be like that forever and in their small life they have gone through more the majority of adults would never in their whole life go through so please i know it can be hard but respect the fact that the child didn't choose their path they didn't want any of this. And they most certainly dont do it on purpose. I just wonder how many of you have contemplated how hurt and upset your child would be if he/she saw your post about them??? It would DESTROY them i promise you that.

That's why I use experience project to discuss with complete anonymity. It helps to know you're not the only parents going through this.

It's a two way street. I'm sure the kids have done their fair share of venting and discussing their hatred on social media. This is a site to post for help, not be judged. I am sorry you were split from your siblings. But all of us at some point have to make decisions and live with the consequences.

my parents adopted two children who crucified my parents in very different ways. For us younger biological children our lives were made absolute hell. Hellish unfortunately for us we were biological children and that was the problem.

My parents did everything they could to show the adopted children, that they were loved, adored etc. Nothing was ever good enough, no amount of love was enough, no amount of telling them they were loved was enough. Nothing was every enough. One of adopted sibling made my own childhood a complete hellish experience. From I was very young I new that they despised me and they wished been born. The one that was the worst to me, punished my parents for not being their biological parents.

The adopted siblings in my family were both adopted as babies and had growing emotional and psychological as the grew from children to adults. No matter what help support or love they got, it was always about them being the victims, when really it was our entire family that were the victims of these two adopted people, who played cruel psychological mind games just to see how it would affect us all.

I agree with your screen name, neveradopt39. You should definitely not adopt; clearly your own experiences tainted you.

I'm an adult adoptee, and I have a different perspective. Many (most?) adoptive parents come to adoption for the wrong reasons. Maybe they have no other options to becoming parents, or they think they're doing a good deed (like bringing a pet home from a shelter), or they think adoption will be a less burdensome path to parenthood. I accept the sadness of my upbringing as part of my life's tapestry, which led me to the blessings of my husband and our children. But there is part of me that realizes I could have been spared a lot of trauma had I been raised in a group home.

Nobody wants to be someone's choice of last resort, or pity project, or ego booster. The hard-heartedness I find among so many adoptive parents on sites like this is confirmation that many (most?) adoptive parents are ill-equipped to adopt in the first place.

Have you ever thought that they are merely misinformed. We adopted through the county foster care program. They were misleading in almost every way. When someone becomes pregnant, they know the risks. And people who adopt do not go into it lightly. It's really easy to judge when you are on the other side. But I do agree, most people are ill equipped to adopt. But there should also be resources available to help both children and adults that are easy to find. I cannot tell you the amount of time and resources I invested in my kids to no avail. It's not easy for either side.

You are SO correct. I honestly don't know why many parents out there (by adoption or by birthing their offspring) bother to have children - they clearly do not desire to parent (the verb). They view children as a status symbol, something that will allow them to keep up with their friends, have co workers view them as "super moms" etc...I am adopted, and thankfully have wonderful parents who wanted A BABY and not merely a possession. Years ago, the pre-adoption screening process for potential adoptive parents was gruelling, and with good reason - it weeded out all those who view adoption as a last resort they've turned to begrudgingly. I am left always gob smacked when I read of adoptive parents lamenting that they couldn't have "their own" child, and wondering if life would be better for them had they spawned their "own" baby. Do they really have such little knowledge of science that they expect a birthed baby to be a carbon copy of themselves? Has the thought that ugly old Aunt Glady's genes might come barging through in their little one? And besides - what exactly is so incredibly great about them that their genes simply must be passed on for the good of society? And for all those who claim their adoptive child is hard work, did the thought ever tiptoe across your minds that you may have, if you'd given birth, right now be slaving away caring for a physically or mentally disabled child? Just because a child was born to you gives no guarantee! Ultimately if you're not going to put the work into being a parent (verb) then you don't deserve to be a parent (noun).

Being an adopter can be terribly difficult. The child will often feel pain and lash out because you're the mom figure. Not always you they're mad with Biology plays a part too. No matter how strong you are its not easy. I fear my own adopted daughter will hate me when she's older as I do what I can to make her behave reasonably and not be rude. I pray she sees that I'm trying to be a strong parent for her. I pray she eventually realises that I am trying to help her learn how to deal with the world. Not just stopping her having fun. :-(

Funny thing is, when we are writing a reply, we read right above the post button "Please respond with authenticity, support, and respect".
I think some people lack support and respect.

I do think there are 4 different types of families: good families who adopt trouble children, bad families who adopt trouble children, good families who adopt good child and bad families who adopt trouble children.
The trouble children may be troubled by a infinite list of causes: all kinds of abuses, being the children of addicts, etc.
The bad family as well may be inserted in these causes.
This woman might be a troubled person who adopted a troubled child, or a good person who adopted a trouble child. Is she making this all up? I don't think so. I wouldn't go for the bad parent good kid formula here.
If she is a troubled person, she needs help. If she isn't, she might need help to cope with a situation that she has never been in. This help may come from strangers, if she's not yet prepared for counseling, and it may come from therapy. I don't know if she has any therapy going on for her, but here she is, trying to get some support from strangers, and she's not even saying she's giving up on the child, she's only talking about a feeling that she has, and feelings can only be changed if they are first acknowledged, then accepted. If she runs away from this feeling things just get worse.
I also don't know how old this kid is - if she tried to choke her mom, I imagine she may be old enough to have the strength to do this. If she is old enough (say 16 or more), then I'd say she can be a risk to this person. Only she, the mother, can know if she's in danger and act upon it. What if this kid tries to kill her with a knife? She might defend herself and kill the kid first. Is it a good ending? I don't think so. Nor is it if the kid actually manages to hurt the mother. I don't think this is a common issue on adopting. Maybe the majority of adoptions have good endings, but this is a different case, that brings danger to her family and life. If my birth son tried to kill me, and he were old enough, I would get the hell out of his life as soon as I could. I don't think being a good parent means letting the child do all sorts of things to you.
Finally, I have never been in this situation. I am not the mother, I am not the child, and my child never tried to kill me. I do have an abusive mother from which I have been keeping apart, because I learned to protect myself from her and gave me this permission.
I don't have anything to say to the adopted people who aggressively wrote things here but that this isn't your story. Different stories should be read differently and acted upon differently as well. Of course this is all my opinion, and I love this website for giving everyone their own voice. Still, it's an experience project. It might fade one day.

Until you try to parent a kid with RAD you have no idea how difficult and frustrating it is. I wonder if anyone reading this has parented a RAD kid and been happy to have had the experience.

Well said!

I think that when one makes the decision to adopt, they take a leap of faith. No one knows what the outcome is until they bring the child into their home and try to raise them. I feel that the negative comments made in response to the original post is very judgemental. It's easy to criticize and tell others what they should do and how they should feel as long as you are not in their shoes. To those who are criticizing, it would be interesting to see what YOU would be willing to tolerate if you were in their shoes. Adopt a foster child who has been abandoned and mistreated, and stand by that child even if it costs you EVERYTHING. If you are not willing to do that yourselves, then keep your mouths shut and stop judging others who tried their best.

God, sometimes it's hard to tolerate even your blood related child… It's part of being a parent, especially to kids with a difficult behavior.

I have an adopted teenage sister and you hit the nail on the head.

Here here! It's not an easy task

I was an older child that was adopted. You sound like the type of person who shouldn't of adopted period! My adoptive mother had no idea what she was doing and put me through all kinds of abuse along with my younger sibling. As I got older I began to retaliate. I left when I was 16. I am now 26 and a parent myself and I've been working with children for 7 years. I know it takes a strong, warm hearted, selfless person to adopt an older child. This world that we live in does not have enough of these kinds of people. ba<x>sed on what you wrote, and how you wrote it, it's plain to tell that this is not a category you fit into.

You shoulda considered that before you adopted. The individual is a child that had issues & needed love, not a pair of shoes you take back cause they dont fit. I feel sorry for the child. You are not loyal, have no wisdom and u are weak. Please stay away from that child. They need a strength & love you dont have. YOU should be ashamed of yourself. Its either you are gonna love or not. SOMETIMES Love IS HARD WORK. I am so ashamed of you.

I think you should be ashamed of your response. We all think we have the strength and love to endure such an experience. I'll tell you that after 20 years of trying everything including all my time, love and attention to get through to my two addicted adopted children and not having much success, the love fades. I'm tired of the abuse and the loneliness and having to just constantly put up with it all because i have no other choice. I no longer think I can retire and still support the ongoing therapy, court fees and whatever else comes along. It's their turn to understand that it is up to them to pull some sort of life together because I am not a miracle worker. I know how this woman feels and all I can say to her is to let go of the anger and be endlessly patient and do what you must do to be safe.
Stop judging in such a harsh manner.

I adopted a sibling group of three boys and for years I have tried to get help for these ODD, RAD, ADD, etc children. I lost my marriage, my jobs and my home. No one will help and when I try I get shunned. I do not know what. To do anymore!!!

Role up your sleeves and try harder. You should have considered issues b4 u adopted. As a parent you try, try, try, keep trying, try, try some more, try, try and try again. Parenting is selfless.

Try reuniting them with their birth mother. The evidence is overwhelming that it is good for the children to know that she still loves them, which I am sure she does.

Have tried in my own case but she doesn't want to know.

My husband and I will be splitting soon. I'm trying to get psychological support for my adopted daughter but have long wait on NHS here in UK

1 More Response

Oh, so sorry for your pain. But you have no idea what it feels like to be the kid that lost their mother. As a child it is incomprehensible pain that overwhelms you and complicates everything. It's sickening, disturbing and just wrong. Whatever you are going through pales in comparison to the pain the adopted child goes through. Look up Joe Soll. He can help all of you. myadoptionexperience.weebly.com

Preach! They come across like they expected jus $ & an easy time. Love is work. There should b a more lengthly screening process b4 these hurting children are released into these individuals care. GOD PLEASE BLESS THESE CHiLDREN with strong parents that understand love is work (like u did me)

In UK adopters are not paid.

The UK screening took 12 months when we did it.

I'm not adopted and I have the same problems. You don't have to trust but you have to love her. You can't push her away, do you realize what she went through?

Dear UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Thank you for saving me. Thank you for implementing plans/services/agencies to help children find families. But, please, please take it a little further & create a more extensive screening process and follow ups. I was orphaned, I was in foster care and i was also adopted, but I am also graduating from college this coming june. In addition, I have held down a job as a Tutor/Professors Assistant for ten years while being a Single Mother. What I am most proud of...what I reflect everyday is how in 1998 my adopted mother sat straight up on her death bed just to tell everyone in the room how proud she was of me. I am especially humbled when my child and I finish singing at church my Adopted Dad sits on the pew and weeps. He told me that despite the negative things people told him about adoption and to give up on me he never did. Daddy said that carpal tunnel surgery on both hands, two heart surgeries, a host if other ailments and one meal of per day of pills he has to take to survive, is NOTHING cause hes WANTS to live because he is happy because of me. Omg it feels good to hear them say "You were worth the struggle." USA thanks again please continue to invest in ALL of your citizens. If there is any help that my Gov. needs...in this area & in Education, call on me. :)

I totally understand how you feel. I regret adopting too. Out of four adopted siblings I have one who is a really good kid with a normal outlook on life. The other three are living the life their genetics have predisposed them too.
The oldest daughter (now 17) has been in and out of the psych ward since she was 5, and now that she is a teen the doc says he is pretty sure she has antisocial personality disorder to the highest degree. No amount of medicine or counseling can cure that!!!! Her next stop should be jail, she already has a juv record and all they give these kids is a slap on the wrist because they don't want to clog the system up with them....
The worst thing I ever did was adopt these kids. Nature OUTRULES NURTURE and dont' let anyone tell you any differently. There is no bond... They have stolen, lied, brought druggie criminals into our home and are well known by the police in three towns. I AM AGAINST ADOPTION! I THINK ALL CHILDREN SHOULD STAY WITH THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS because no matter what type of life you offer them... genetics take over eventually.
These kids have given me nothing by heartache.

Omg...the way you sound. Soooo if a child loses its parents what then. I am so scared for theses children. Maybe children who lose their parents can be taken into military life. The military is waaaay more loyal and they have the resources to help these children and grow them into DYNAMIC compassionate loyal human beings. My Adopted Dad served as a Marine.

This is disgusting. My biological parents were awful people. So that means I'm bound to be like them? There are kids that do this even when they I have great parents.

I totally agree with you. Nature does outrule nurture, and adoptive "parents" are always kidding themselves. Never in my life, and never will I, understand why anyone wants to raise someone else's child. I never considered adoption, not for one second. I was going to raise MY children or none at all.

She has severe trauma from being adopted, no, abandoned, if you thought of her like a true mother you wouldn't consider "giving up on her" that's what she's trying to see, test your love because its something that can be taken in her eyes. And in the life of the adopted its true. Love is to be earned because no one else wanted you anyways.

Yes, yes, yes. However please yall remember some children are orphaned at no fault of their own. Accidents, homicide all sorts of circumstances can render a child parentless. Wish I could sit down & talk to POWER about this. God please help these children.

That was a bold and honest story. thank you.

My husband and I are going through the adoption process now we want to adopt a sibling group of kids maybe 3 we want a big family and I expect lots of chaos lots of noise and lots of joy. We don't have lots of money we work hard and struggle like most people and we have a grown up biological child. I'm excited! I can't wait! I want to fill the kids with adventures dreams and hope for their future. While doing our best to ease their nightmares and insecurities. We are not perfect and know its a going to be a roller coaster but hey bring it on! We will give it our all.



Well done good and faithful servant.

Oh god you have no idea what you are in for. I have to be honest and tell you that you are living in a world of fantasy that you created in your mind and if, by the .00000001% chance that even one of them turns out to not be the total destruction of your entire being, you will at the least go insane and lose everything. It's not a roller coaster. It's a Stephen King movie.

I agree...I have known 4 women that adopted from the same country as I did around the same time. (We met because of adopting.) Only 1 turned out ok but she was almost an adult anyway....

they are going to need rehabilitation. You CAN do it! please keep me posted!

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I was adopted at birth and it was quite clear to everyone when I was a little bit older that my adopted Parents should never have been Parents at all. They were verbally abusive, denied me medical care that almost killed me and if I cried, told me they would send me to an orphanage.
What these so-called Parents don't realize, is that they could have had biological children that would not be perfect! They are in denial thinking that if they had a natural child, the child would never cry, be angry or do anything wrong.
A child is brought into this world as a blank slate. If you think that a child holds all the responsibilities fore their actions and as an adult, you had nothing to do with their behavior...you are in total denial. You are right. You should have never adopted a child. Quite frankly, it is a blessing you were unable to have children at all.

Omg. I feel sorry that God has to watch some of the things that take place. I am sooo sorry u went through that. If u need family...call on me

I was there! I was told everyday I should be thankful they adopted me, because no one else wanted me. Everyday I wished my life would end because I had enough. Now I couldn't be more happy with my life raising a family of my own. I do plan to adopt an older child one day as well. I know what it's like to want to be part of a family so bad, and not feel as if I fit in.

Does not mean you will be able to do a damn thing about it though. Trust on this one. You're in for a rude awakening if you think that you know how to CHANGE a child and let them feel like they FIT IN because you didn't. Watch and see.

It is people like you, that should stay away from adopting. Believe it or not, there are successful adoption stories, with children who have major issues. Look at what you wrote. I never said I am looking to change a child. That is where the unsuccessful adoptions stem from. I left my "home" at 16, and my younger sister left at 12. Social workers and friends of my adoptive parents told them that they tried their best, and that we were just a "bad batch." No one told them what they were doing wrong. I guess it is easier to just blame your inabilities on a child instead. Lot's of people adopt as they want that picture perfect family. These children need rehabilitation. I work with troubled youth. I have seen many cases in failed adoptions, and failed parenting. You failed. Face it. You couldn't handle it. Perhaps you should work with these children first before you take on the role of rehabilitating them full time. I am appalled at some of these post's. I see it all the time, and it still continues to shock me.

That's so sad. I feel privileged to be an adopter.

I have always realised birth children can be troubled but I worry that as I have no idea of parental genetics that I won't help daughter with what she needs. However I am in this for my lifetime. I have the same commitment to my pets too. It has however helped immensely to know that I'm not the only one with these problems.

Zuniga, you don't know that this person was unable to have children. You don't know the reasons she adopted, because she did not state that. Many people (like you) seem to assume that only infertile people adopt children. Its simply not true. Many people adopt for all kinds of reasons, not just infertility.

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Wendy and kitkat are idiots in my book. Love is not enough. Look up the book by nancy thomas. These kids are sometimes beyond repair. I have had experts in RAD tell me to relinquish, if I want to have a life. Experts!

Yup. Sooo those who cant stand the potential struggle, LEAVE THESE CHILDREN ALONE. Please STAY AWAY FROM THEM. They need emotionally STRONG gaurdians

Agreed. They are clueless. Until you have a child with RAD you simply cannot ever know. They think it will not happen to them. They think love conquers all. They are so wrong.

I am in the same boat. My daughter is only 7 and the worst nightmare I have ever experienced. I want to give her back and would do so in a heartbeat. My life has suffered because of her and her RAD. I can honestly say I hate her and want to put her up for adoption again. No one told me she had RAD or I would have never adopted her in the first place. I feel for you and wish I could give mine away too.

Shame on you. What a disgusting thing to say. Children are not PETS. If you were expecting a child to be a certain way you were obviously too immature to take on the role of a mother. That child is hurting inside. That child is a CHILD. And you hate it? Sick. You're like my step mother who told me I was stupid and that she didnt have to love me. I am an adult now, well behaved and well functioning but guess what? That haunts me even today, especially since I was a good kid. But even if I had been a terrible child, no one deserves to be taken into a family without any say in it themselves, then be discarded like some object. Makes me bloody sick. Makes me love my adopted dad even more for keeping me as long as he did. Gosh this is disgusting

News Flash: All children are terrible in the eyes of weak guardians.

Weak guardians? LMAO
A child with RAD will turn Mother Theresa into Mommy Dearest in a NY second my darling. You're clueless. lolololol

Stop being so judgmental. You are not this kid, you don't know this kid and you don't know the adopting mother to understand what's going on. I has nothing to do with your story. Let people express their emotions even if it's something that seems bad. This is why this website exists.

It has nothing to do with your story, I meant.

Exactly. As though these people set out to adopt a child and then hate them. Please. They wanted a family and someone to love just like everyone else. It just so happens that adopted children for the MOST part (especially the older ones who have had major PTSD and attachment issues) are a WHOLE other story. I feel for the children and the parents and society but no one deserved to be judged EXCEPT the ones talking holier than though trash about parents of RAD kids being "bad" people. They are idiots.

I am in tears, tears, parenting is selfless. She is not worth your money, house, car, comfort???????? True parents would die for their children. I am so ashamed but glad this is exposed. (Adopted person in tears)

Try adopting or having children, having them grow up and then judge. Seriously. It is hard with a normal child, I can't imagine with a troubled one. Even if she isn't the holy saint mother that she "should" be (is there such a thing in the world? I don't believe so), she would only know this by being it. Life is an experience and we are all trying to do our best. Sometimes it's not enough for some people but it doesn't mean we didn't try.

You don't deserve the title mom.

Well then why don't you try to find her birth mother. Chances are she never stopped loving her daughter, and would give anything to have her back.

Let ne encourage you. I am not sure if you are a Christian or not. If you are please study on deliverance. Don Dickerman has several good books out. We did this with our adopted daughter and it helped a lot. There are spiritual ties to the bio family that can be broken off.

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I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering. It cannot be easy trying to love someone who only gives you pain, disrespect and hurt back. I hope that you can find a way to get some relief. Maybe placing the child in a therapeutic group home would be best for you and for the rest of your family. That is not giving up on her but it is allowing you to have some time to regroup and get some respite.

Perhaps the parents should train...develop themselves into stronger people. Maybe the parents were not strong enough.

That sounds like my story. My title is "exhausting".

I raised 4 children and have done receiving care for foster kids for 15 years. after getting an 11 year old back from foster/adopt homes several times over 2 years, we asked her if she wanted us to adopt. We felt bad that she was being jerked around by the state. 3 years later she has decided that she wants to live w a birth sister who has her own 24/7 party house. Since we said no she has made enough allegations to make the school think we are pervs, the office wonder at my sanity and her birth family to call cps after every visit. I just can't stand her. She's a rad kid with passive/aggressive defiance. She charms the pants off of every adult who she feels can further her cause and I spend all my time putting out the fires. I'm tired. My husband is tired.
In a year she can go to job corp, or in 2 she can marry, or in 3 she can get the hell out. Those are my target days.
And for those adults who are so bitter about their childhood? We didn't cause those issues. We are just doing the best we can do. It may not have been a great job but it was the best that could have been done in an impossible situation...

Heckle NO! She dont go to stay in no 24/7 party hole. She is your investment, your love, the project God gave YOU. Fight tooth and nail for her. Love her like you would have wanted if you had lost your parents and needed love.

You should look her straight in the eye with your hands on her shoulders and say the following: "I am going to give you the love I would have wanted and needed had I lost my own parents at a young age."

If you have not done so already, why don't you get off your high horse; adopt a foster child with serious issues, and sacrifice EVERYTHING to raise it even if the child has been so traumatized it gives you nothing but grief??

I am an adopted child and I think you are selfish but I do understand your point of view. Please don't give up on her and find it in your heart to forgive her. Help her through and be there for here, things can only get better.

She tried to KILL this woman, people. KILL. This is not like lying or not obeying.

I think more people regret adopting more than it is spoken of. Your are simply honest about what you feel and there it is a burden lifted...I hope. As for children staying too long in 'abusive places', ( homes) I totally agree that the system definitely needs to investigate and update polices on that one. When all is said and done, we never know what an outcome with an adopted child will be. With ones own child it might be more easily predicted...but then, our biological children might also hold surprises that are unimaginal. We have adopted a child who is now seven years old. She was sexually abused but we didn't know it until she told of her suffering to myself and several of my friends who were seated around my kitchen table. Since then we have tried counseling, praying and a more understanding than I knew i had; not to mention love...but still raising her has been hell on earth. Do I regret adopting her? Most days I do. Then there are the sweet moments were she makes my heart smile with admiration. She is young and impresionable and very much in need of constant supervision. My regret is that her biological mother did not 'mother' her properly and that she (the child) will probably never have a lasting relationship that is meaniful. She is ADHA and that is a hard thing ti deal with. As I stated most days I regret having taken her in, but then I ask God to help me to meet the challenge because after all, I have forever prayed for Him to make me His servant. As I serve this taxing tour of duty as mom to an adopted child, the servant in me praise God that he has chosen me to remove a child from a horrible life and give her safety. Blessings to you for your honesty.

What you have wrote here I feel is entirely appropriate. In order to help her, you need to be able to be as pure of heart as you can be. You need some time to yourself, so you can mend. Help her find that one thing that she feels makes her feel good. A healthy passion. Something soul cleansing. For me. haha its snowboarding. I reflect on so many things while up there in those mountains. Maybe go on a mission together. You see the spark in her eyes are still there, the task is already partially done for you. Good luck, and keep posted!

Thank you thank you thank you. For your post

So my friend says, get off that site...it's a trap. She's right. The fact that there is a place where people are permitted to be this "sick" in public, is sick in it self. Guess what world, I was adopted, sexually abused by their older sons (at church mind you), made to stay quiet...bla bla bla...I left at 17...put myself through college, became very successful and have a wonderful family! I have many friends who were adopted and friends who have adopted and have never seen such garbage. People, you create your destiny, you create your heaven and you create your hell! READ the Secret and save those babies you said you would raise! The problem is not adoption, it's your parenting! Find a life coach!

PS...still think "Ihateyou74" made this night worth reading the madness!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and YES

It's called Freedon of Speech. Look it up. If you don't like it then go to North Korea.

As a person who was adopted, I think people should be investigated before even being allowed to adopt. Maybe you weren't one who should have. The regret is yours for a reason...maybe you need help, not her. I am saddened when I hear parents turn to weakness as their form of strength. Find another source of strength and try again. Who is your daughter attracted to and emulate that. Let go of ego. I don't believe in second chances...but as many as it takes to get it right. It took courage to reveal your weakness but the courage really is finding your strength.

Omg...preach it!

She is. And she will....until KARMA comes around and bites her in the holier than thou a$$.

I have three adopted children and honestly, I regret adopting one...the oldest. She was only 4 when legally adopted, though living with us since 2 1/2. She was allowed visitations with old foster family who mistreated us and her bio-mom, whom we love, but unhealthy and incarcinated.

Her issues are beyond my ability to deal with. Counseling twice weekly (diagnosis of RAD) and lots of 1 on 1 with my husband and I, but regardless of methods and reasoning, no acceptance of our love.
Infact, the older she has gotten (5 1/2 now) the more angry, vindictive, manipulative and hurtful she has become, especially towards me. She regularly tells me she doesn't love me,wants to live with her old foster family and/or wants to run away or be given away. I know it's so heartbreaking she has to deal w this but being human and a mom of an additional 3 young kids, it hurts and sucks. I love and despise her almost simultaneously. I have a warped, negative view of adoption as well. I don't recommend to anyone who inquires. I cry myself to sleep nightly. Having a child you cannot console or love/return love is insanely difficult. The hardest thing to deal with is NO ONE understands, even my husband. We view everything in opposites and he absolutely thinks I am wrong, confused or misunderstanding when she lies/manipulates. I get through my days by imagining/fantasizing about the type of life, marriage and mother I'd be if I hadn't adopted her. I need therapy but last one I had, I was unable to confide completely in. I would love to feel understood and validated. I'm lonely in a despair. Does anyone have advise, free of criticism ?

Law of attraction!

Enough with the KOOLAID. Go back to Amway and sell your crap and STFU!


I am sorry you went through such an awful experience when adopted. So unfair. I think it's wonderful you were able to rise above and become successful with your own family. I just find it difficult to understand why you choose to criticize others who have adopted children whom they are struggling to parent. Most of us would kill anyone who even thought about hurting our child, as you were hurt.
I researched for a year and questioned children adopted through the system before even attempting the process of becoming a foster/adoptive home. Despite being 'aware' of situations and issues these children may have, no one can prepare you for the actual experience itself. I agree that if you choose to adopt, regardless of the child's issues, you Do NOT give up or mistreat them. I don't agree with 'returning' a child but i do respect that someone who is hurt enough to consider it, is valid to feel anyway they choose to feel. This includes, expressing these feeling. I believe, if used appropriately, forums like these are beneficial to me and others struggling to express themselves, gain validation &amp; be heard. It is hard on me and others like me, as a parent, who loves my child &amp; won't give up or stop. What happens/happened to my child hurts me as well. You are a mother, so you no doubt understand that aspect. I am human. I still have thoughts of regret, regardless of whether I'd ever act on my feelings. They are mine. This makes them valid. By expressing frustrations, and yes, venting through my writings, I can live another day, continue to help my child heal and am a better mother because i feel understood. It aggravates my situation though, when people, such as yourself, use this type forum as a way to deal w your negative experience. This helps no one. why not find a forum for others with your background? Why people go on forums to take out aggressions and give negative, hateful replies is beyond me. Everyone is struggling, surviving &amp; NO ONE makes improvements by being disregarded and called names.

You should not feel criticized by me. I believe you are missing the point...a forum is not the place. I accidentally found this forum and was appalled that mothers would seek the advice of strangers and expect no criticism. I thought I gave you great advice...law of attraction. It was not meant to be a criticism it was meant be the advice you asked for. I will not apologize for my words as you must understand perception is reality and from my seat you mothers sound very selfish. Seriously, read the law of attraction, read the secret, it's on Netflix but stop spreading a negative perception of adoption and validating mother's who are struggling because it has nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with parenting; everything to do with that person's ability to cope with their emotions. Biological mothers go through the same thing. So what's the next story, I regret having children? That's why a forum is inappropriate. You should be talking with a professional therapist about this and not strangers. Furthermore, if you are going to put yourself out there then expect some criticism. Until you actually try my advice I don't think its fair to continue being defensive. You attracted advice because you ask for it, now attract a solution. Allyson, I deal with kids like your daughter everyday. You can do this. I'm successful because I'm good at what I do, I don't back down, especially to a 5 year old. You can do this.

Your advice is the Law of Attraction?
You are the most arrogant, pompous, preaching, know-it-all I've ever known of.
Get over yourself.

ps...music and dance therapy found to be great for children with RAD...also yoga therapy. Find a certified yogafit provider if you can. RAD is similar to PTSD. I personally have seen great results using yoga for children with emotional disorders. Make sure you find a good provider. That is why I recommend a YogaFit provider.

A great article to start with:Effects of yoga on the autonomic nervous system, gamma-aminobutyric-acid, and allostasis in epilepsy, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
C.C. Streeter a,!, P.L. Gerbarg b, R.B. Saper c, D.A. Ciraulo a, R.P. Brown d

You are in despair because you are not thinking like a parent. I dONT care if you end up broke and homeless...roll up your sleeves and work. true parenting is selfless. True parenting can be hard work

I am so sorry. You can message me. People just don't get it.

I hope things have gotten better for you.

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Adoption is a special thing once you sign those papers it's the parents job to take care of the child. She may have crossed a line but the first thing you need to do is forgive. I haven't been as forgiving and it has cost me so much. Don't hold a grudge against a child it's not worth it. That child has gone through so much and is still dealing with it. Older children are difficult in general and if she was abused I can understand her lashing out. I really can because at one point I was abused. I haven't moved on and I still have a lot of trust issues with people. It's not easy but she needs to know you will always be there for her. I am sorry if this offends but at the same time your not her and you have no clue as to what she really went through.

The system, you are the system. All of you sorry SOB's are a joke. You want people to feel sorry for you because you were not up to the task. Every one of you has more college than common sense. If i buy a car that I cannot afford it is my fault, if you did not know what you were getting into it is yours. You make a good case for the extinction of the human race or just fat lazy Americans who want children to respect them, but have no desire or will to teach them. I would hate to associate cancer or AIDS with a POS like you, but you should cease to be.
florence miller can suck it

How sweet. Your parents must be very proud.

I feel the same way about my adopted daughter and I feel guilty. She has wreaked havoc in our lives since entering it and I'm mentally and physically exhausted.

or did you start that way?

And when did YOU start your life off reading and following "The Secret" and going by horoscopes? You're still stupid.

i dont know HOW to respond to the posts on this board - I am also an adoptive parent of two adopted girls from Guatemala- they came to me as infants and are now teenagers- I really havent had a problem with them-

That is because they were infants first of all and you lucked out on the gene pool of the parents, no FAS, no RAD, etc. You have truly been blessed.

i was adopted and caused all kinds of hell for my parents till i went to jail for 6months and a boot camp for 2 and realized that the people that adopted me didnt have to nor do they have to do anything for me yet they still tried and it changed my attitude towards them, however im still depressed and hate the fact im adopted and thats where most of my rage comes frrom, i bet the family that adopted me was thinking the same thing as you.

Was your birth parent abusive? Why were you that angry for being adopted?

Why is this your first question? How ridiculous. And how do you think this person feels having looking over their lives that they were given up? God GOD.

I am so sorry for what you are going through and so relieved to hear that someone else is feeling what I am. About 1 1/2 years ago my husband and I adopted a sibling group from foster care. We initially said we would adopt 2, but we were matched with a group of 4, and (foolishly) said yes. We were lied to about the level of problems these kids have, and have received NO HELP in getting the correct services for them. I wish every, single, day, they would go away. JUST GO AWAY. I have no positive attatchment to any of them. They take and take and take and give nothing in return. They are a drain on energy and resources and one of them will more than likely still end up in jail. I literally have a countdown loaded onto my computer waiting on the day they will turn 18 and I can be rid of them. We have 3 biological kids, and my husband worked in the system for 18 years before we adopted. We thought we knew what we were getting into. RUN. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

So sorry. Yes they lie all the time just to get the adoption through. Rarely to adoptive parents find out the truth about the children much less the biological parents of the children. So sad for all.

unfortunately, not necessarily the opposite of what a "real" parent would do, "real" parents do the same and worse every day.... I work with troubled children, and I have seen several biological children of drug addicts that exchanged sexual services of the child for drugs and these were supposedley their "real" parents.

BTW I am really sorry for the trouble you are going through, I would feel obligated too, maybe she will change now that its gone to this extreme.

I have been talking to my wife about adopting a child next year when we move to a bigger house.... Now I am really thinking about it, how is it going with the two year old? Is it a smoother tansition, or is there a lot of problems involved with him too?

Here's my issue...Trying to skip past what you think is the difficult stage screams...NO! You are no the parents for them. Parenting isn't a rite of passage or fad. Please, if you are trying to keep up with the Jones' stop while you are ahead!

Well I would forigive her but I agree. I have 3 kids and have had an additional 4 placed with us...we felt that splitting them up would be a mistake...now we live with stealing, lying etc each day...good luck to you...

i was 10 when i was adopted and i turned out fine. just because you had a bad experience with your daughter doesnt mean all older children are like that. the fact that you posted it online means other people are reading it and saying i will never adopted an older child so the stay in the system and age out. next time be careful with what you say. NOT EVERY OLDER CHILD WHO IS ADOPTED TURNS OUT LIKE THAT!!!!!

Most do unfortunately. And this is from a multitude of scientific studies. Sorry.
THere are exceptions and I don't recall anyone making a blanket statement about
"all" .....however, must you be so angry that you feel you have to type in all caps and :scream"? Hmm.....

I had an ex-boyfriend that I was engaged to, many years ago, who was adopted at birth. We ended up having to split, because I believe in my heart, that he had Reactive Attachment Disorder and nearly drove me out of my mind. No matter what I did for him, he would find fault with it. And to my knowledge, he never married or had any children and was possibly estranged from his adoptive parents, as they moved out of state before they both passed away.<br />
I suspect that he may have been conceived as the result of a rape and maybe his adopted parents didn't know or didn't feel the need to tell me. Who knows what kind of information an agency would give out anyway back in the 1950's, especially if they thought the new parents would back out? I remember the few times they discussed the birth mother, it wasn't in very nice terms, so I personally think that may have had a lot to do with their son's attitude towards ALL women. Whether it was intended that way or not. His mother also accepted a lot of disrespectful behavior and in her mind, it was "inherited from his maternal grandmother," whom she felt was unreasonable during the pregnancy. One of her complaints was the money that he cost them "even before he was born." They had to pay for a special diet, vitamins, nurse for bedrest following the birth. Looking back it was more than likely because the mother was only 15 and basically a kid herself, not even through growing and these were precautions the doctor felt necessary for a healthy baby. From their standpoint though, I could see how they might have felt used and worried about the mother changing her mind at the last minute or wanting him back. I'm sure it was a lot for them to go through, taking this brand-new, stranger's baby home and no doubt as a newborn, he was traumatized by the entire event, too.<br />
I sometimes wonder how these people felt at the end of their lives, dying of cancer, living so far away from their adopted son. Had he married and had a family, at least they would've been there to help care for them and he wouldn't be all alone now. These were very, very lovely people, who were quite well-off and they gave their son everything that he could ever want. I know they thought that I "wasn't good enough," and sadly probably suspected I was after their money, as in reality he had nothing to offer anyone at all. He was selfish, bad-tempered, greedy, dishonest, unappreciative and manipulative. There's not enough money on the face of this earth that would have made it worthwhile to me to live in such a demoralizing situation, one minute longer. The entire experience was a horrible waste of my life, as it was.<br />
None of us "asks" for the situation we were born into. Some kids have biological parents that abuse them and would probably love to be given away. I know for a fact that women who give up their babies suffer and so do their families, as I have known a few. And although most adopted kids probably think they were forgotten and rejected, that isn't the truth. They are never forgotten.<br />
The best we can do as human beings is to try to understand, support, accept each other, stop wallowing in self-pity. And try to help ourselves and others.

It seems like you have a good heart, but what you wrote is bat s..t crazy. Im sure that everyone you know, knows you are crazy, or do they. Just because your paranoid does not mean people are not following you.

Hmmm...and then there's the many who reconnect to just find out, they were rejected. You have no idea what you are talking about! You broke up, get over it!

This is one of the saddest forums I have ever read, but am so glad that it's out here so that adopted parents with bad experiences can let out their very legitimate, unforseen hurts and frustrations. I also adopted 2 kids, I have 3 of my own, out of Foster care. My husband and I loved these children with no condition. We never seperated them from our own bio children, ever and would not allow anyone to do that either. Everything we did for our own we did for them and more because in the end they took more of us emotionally. So much so that our own children's needs were put in the back burner. Both never let go of the woman, their mother that abused them and drugs for their entire childhood. They grieved her death like she was a saint and well could never let go of the depression of losing her no matter how good they had it with us or how much we loved them. My daughter is now 15 but for the past 2 years has broken up our family by stalking and seducing a relative of ours. We are now pressing charges and have stuck by her. She is in therapy, we take her to church, love her, stuck by her and because of this our family is no longer talking to us. Neither is our son her brother. It's not that we dont' love her, but we have given up so much and continue with not one ounce of care for us. We don't ask for love back because that is only for her deceased mother, the main source of everything she does. So tell me adopted kids why kick the ones that love you most in the face when the love of a real mother and father is in front of you? why are you crying for something that obviously did not care for you only in words and terrorize the parents that would give their life for you and have? Please give me some insight to this. I understand that you have been hurt and that you did not deserve it? I was abused as a kid too. But just so that you know, you can't make that an excuse for hurting other people especially the ones that love you and have given up so much of their happy lives to make your lives happy. You either get over it or you don't and if you don't you will never know how happy you can be. Wrap your arms and thank God for what is good in your life and move on from the past. It's totally possible. Life is just a learning lesson the good and the terribly bad. Unfortunatley, I now regret spreading ourselves to thin and not giving 100% to our 3 bio kids. I would never adopt again.

Just because their mother used drugs, and ran afoul of the authorities, that does not mean that she abused them. If they loved her so much then it is probably because she was a loving mother who adored her children the same way that you do yours. A piece of paper by the state does not wipe out her motherly status in their hearts and minds.

Did you allow them to see her after you adopted her and before she died? Or did she go to her grave without ever again seeing the children she loved? Your daughter might hold you responsible for her inability to be held and loved by her mother while she was still alive. Did you really think that adopting her automatically made you the real mother and washed away all her feelings for her biological mom? Do you think it did that for your son? Did you recognize their feelings of loss when she died, acknowledging that it was no different than any other kid who had lost their mom? Or did you tell them that they were "crying for something that obviously did not care for you?" Do you have any idea what hearing that will do to a child?

Taking them to church cannot be expected to solve the problem. You need to reunite your kids, as much as is possible, with their biological family and help them develop a relationship. You need to celebrate the place of their original mother in their life histories. You can start by taking them to her grave. Also make sure that they have lots of pictures. Encourage them to write essays about her, and their time with her, for school. Finally, allow them to lash out and what they may perceive as an unjust system that separated them from their mom.

You should validate their feelings--not reject them (the feelings of loss). And don't tell them to "get over it" and "move on from the past." They should never move on from the woman who gave life to them. And they should get over being torn apart from her on their own time--not yours, and certainly not society's.

****, I WISH I had been adopted. I spent some time in the hospital (I'm Bipolar and Autistic, needed meds straightened out and therapy; I was in a psych ward, so sue me), and my bio mother just didn't take me back, even after they had given permission to discharge or whatever, so I kinda just chilled there for a while. From there I went to a residential school for special needs kids, lived in the ART house, and got sent to a couple homes who wanted to foster kids (which means that they only wanted the check and didn't give a damn. That's what 'foster home' means to me) but I just bounced around from foster home to foster home until I aged out of 'the system'. In one my two foster brothers (not biological, but we had been in other foster homes together) got adopted and I didn't. There's no worse feeling than knowing your birth family doesn't want you 'cause you're defective, and neither does anybody else even though they said they do. I agree that it can be perceived as the biological parents 'dumping responsibility on others', but people need to think of the children as people as opposed to a 'responsibility'. Saying that adopted kids need to quit their whining is extremely ignorant and insensitive, especially if you've never been in their shoes. I won't condemn people for their opinions, their thoughts and emotions are just as valid as mine...I just don't understand them as well as I should, I guess.

Amen! I work with kids with special needs and have a special place in my heart for the ones that are adopted! You sound wonderful! Keep the faith because you are only a kid for a short time and then you get to start your life your way. I was adopted and I could have been raised in hell and turned out just the way I am. Because I am me not them. There are enough healthy adults in the world to take care of you guys! It's nice that say you won't condemn people for their opinions as their thoughts are valid, BUT those adults should be ashamed airing discouraging words where you can see. I was adopted into a family who already had 5 kids, smoked pot, drank and played the good guys. I have nothing to do with them now and I have quite a successful life, wonderful family and take care of emotional kids every day! I love it!

So, 1) why do you feel the parents who are struggling aren't entitled to seek out others with similar experiences for support and encouragement publicly? 2) do you not believe that if other potential adoptive parents read this and say "this is not for me" that would not be appropriate -- help them realize they should never adopt? You are espousing double standards.

Parenting children is a challenge that should be undertaken with the utmost forethought and preparation no matter what. It is a disservice to children and potential parents to no allow full public discussions of the issues adoption can have on ALL members of the adoption "triad" -- the abandoned children, the birth mothers, the birth fathers, the adoptive parents, and siblings of all sorts.

Please think of what you are saying.

The 'law of attraction' is one name with a spin for psychological principles that help people cope with their lives. It is not the only factor, and certainly not the only answer. As you referenced yourself, the brain structure and neurotransmitters (ie function) of children who have been traumatized ARE altered. Thinking of the things the way you want them to be can help this biological process at a biochemical level, but there are other ways to help people restructure their biological processes as well, including receiving empathetic support for those adults who ARE TRYING to help.

Please allow people who are struggling to find a way to cope with traumatic circumstances in their lives do so without tearing them apart. Ultimately, the children benefit, either through helping those who are trying to cope, or educating others with full disclosure about what they may have to face as they consider helping another human being through adoptive parenting.

Yeah, you never know what kind of "trashy" DNA you will get when you adopt. You might end up with one of those trashy DNA kids like Steve Jobs.

Amen! I call myself the white sheep just for that reason!

yes i agree .... u never know wht you r getting until its too late... people who generally adopt are from privileged background with education and money behind them and they obviously thought about parenthood a lot. its not just a one night stand and suddenly u get pregnant ..... we have adopted a girl and she was only few days old so wht could go wrong ?? right ??? she is 15 now she smokes has sex she doesn't want to go to school and from very young age she had learning and behavior problems. i know it would sound strange but we have nothing in common with her and her future looks just terrible i feel like i wasted all those years brining her up ....she is disrespectful and ungrateful IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLS DONT ADOPT those children are always gonna be resentful regardless how much u try to be a parent to them they would never say tku she says to me all the time that she didnt ask to be adopted ....buy a dog im sure it would love u more than an adopted child

I'm so sad to say it but I agree with this.

Maybe you should track down her birth mother. It might be good for her to know that this woman still loves her, and never forgot her, which is almost certainly the case.

1 More Response

Hey here's an idea:<br />
Let's take all the kids in foster care, orphanages, and group homes who are up for adoption and just put a bullet in their head. I mean the emotional pain of being removed from their birth parents and the mental trauma of having to deal with all kinds of abuse is nothing compared to the comments I have been reading here. So put them out of their misery so you can sleep at night knowing you won't have to deal with them.<br />
WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS KIND OF LIFE!!!!!! We didn't ask to be born to people who can't care for us. We certainly aren't asking to be put for or even adopted! I certainly didn't ask for my adopted mother to physically and sexually abuse me either. Nor did I ask to si in front of a judge and here them exclaim how much they love me so that 6 years later in front of the same judge "We don't want him anymore". <br />
IT"S IN OUR DNA??????? Really? How common and low of you to judge a child because of where their parents may or may not live. My biological mother lived in the ghetto, oh and I'm white by the way, so it's in my DNA to live in the ghetto? Well I guess I'm a criminal too. <br />
Children do not come with handbooks? I beg to differ. The best handbook to raise a child is your childhood. <br />
I'm very offended and pissed at some of these comments..............Every one of you who regret giving a broken spirited child a chance at some sort of normal life can KISS MY *** and GO TO HELL. Yeah we have emotional problems because of what we have already been through, your not helping to change that with attitudes like this.

I know this post is really old, but those people saying all that stuff about thier "regrets" are just letting out in this forum, im sure they arent as bad as they really sound because people say a lot more then they acctually mean on these things because they are frustrated when they type them, and that DNA comment you know they were just trying to be "funny" But thank you for your post because they all need to see your side too. I want to adopt and I heard the best thing to do is foster as a first step, the only reason I am aprihensive is I have 2 young children already and I don't know what can come of it.

What is wrong with you people???

I feel very sorry for everyone in pain here. It always struck me as heartless, but I guess Islam knew what it was talking about when it banned adoption. Again, I feel for everyone here. :(

Im 100% sure you do not speak for Islam. I feel sorry for your mother.

And yes, birth parents do dump their kid on someone else (the adoptive parent) and want the adoptive parent to do the hard part, raising the child and making the financial sacrifices. They literally want someone else to pay for, and raise, their child. Then when the child turns 18, they suddenly want the child "back". Convenient, eh?

I do NOT feel sorry for adopted children. Their lives are no better or worse than biological children. They need to get over themselves and quit whining.

I have seen a lot of responses on here that are outrageous, how dare people have anything to say about an adoptive parent who has opened their home and heart to a child and then when that child decides no, you know what you're just not good enough and I will do everything in my power to destroy you and yours you are supposed to still love and nurture them, get stuffed, you wouldn't take a dog in and keep it every time it bit you, and yes I will liken some of these kids to animals as a lot of them are feral and refuse to try, why should you love them, their own flesh and blood didn't at the end of the day, so guess what, when a kid smears feces all over your house, refuses to do anything you say, is a dirty horrible low down conniving thief who would take from you without blinking whilst you are sacrificing everything and I mean everything for them then they should suck it up and get lost, adios bud, go back to the family that dumped you as soon as looked at you, NATURE is what drives most of these kids not Nuture, so I am sorry but I am fecked if i think a family should nurture and harbor a child that is potentially dangerous..when a child is abused is it right they grow up and become an abuser? Should we make excuses for them? NO, when things go wrong in life we all have to adjust and it's natural in most people to want to do good, sorry but some kids are just ungrateful and use the poor me< I was adopted excuse, well kid, think were you would be if you hadn't been adopted, the majority? Dead! look at what you have been given and appreciate it and if you can't, get the hell outta dodge, no one wants an idiot who is too stupid to know when they have it good, and for the person on here who keeps going on about may god look after the kids, if he was doing such a good job then he should be protecting good parents from awful kids. Shut up your preaching..go adopt a couple of kids and when your partner leaves you cos they can't stand the kid anymore, you lose your job and home and your still stuck with a kid that would stab you in your sleep, go talk to god then.

We adpoted our daughter and did not her. Someone told her after hearing gossip in a beautyshop. We admited and explained the best we could. We had a great life with her during her infancy to adulthood. But since she has found out, she is aloft; does not want to visit, doesn't care to call, tries not to socialize during holidays, and when we see her, she trys not to hug or show affection. We taught her to never lie and I guess that what we did by not telling her about the adoption. We just did not want her to be hurt and thought we were protecting her. We are divestated. It hurts on Mother's Day and Father's Day. She struggles to even call at that time. It appears that she trys to work to be unavailable. She refusses to talk about it since we told her, pretending it never happended. When I try to discuss this matter, she says there is not a problem. We have four grand children with her. I am not sure if they know. If we did not persue her, she would not contact us and we are getting up in years.

Forget problems just with an older kid. We were there for our adopted daughters birth and when she stopped breathing the next morning. Gee when she stopped breathing the birthmother was crying and I said don't cry they have her breathing now and she said oh I am crying because I am afraid you won't take her now and if you don't my high school boyfriend (who is now married to someone else and has a child) will not get divorced and marry me and be the father to the other two kids he knocked me up with. So it went -- our daughter has huge ADD and six learning disabilities and if her mouth is open she is lying and she started stealing at the age of three. It was not an open adoption, but we did send holiday cards. NOTHING ABOUT OUR DAUGHTER WAS EASY - EVER. Roll forward nineteen painful years -- the *****/egg doners (interlopers) contacted her via facebook and told her they ALWAYS LOVED HER AND WANTED HER and she should move to another state to be with them and her brothers and sister - and she did. Oh gee I guess they just gave her to us for the expensive part of raising her and the pain of dealing with all her disabilities and now they want her back. I think adoptive parents get screwed in the end -- I WOULD NEVER NEVER NEVER TELL ANYONE TO ADOPT. I WOULD SAY RUN LIKE HELL.

That is why I would never adopt. I've heard most of the kids are horrible. Most birth mothers are trashy and well, that's the DNA that gets passed on to the child. I can't believe so many people still want to adopt.

Im sure your not trashy or fat either. If you don't weigh 250 and are a sad person I will eat my shoe.

Thats not even english my friend. How can you take care of a human being if you cant put words together than make sense.

I am a mother of four bio children, all of whom are turning out very different. I have been trying to adopt a sibling group out of an orphanage for a while now but there have been many hold ups. For all those who haven’t had experience raising biological kids and are planning on adopting older children, orphanage children or kids out of foster care you need to know that adopting children from broken homes is going to be A LOT more difficult than adopting a couple of rescue dogs. Even one biological child will be more difficult than that. I don’t mean to be rude but I have heard some of my own friends talk about getting a dog before they have children so they can get ‘used’ to the idea of having kids. PLEASE! Sometimes kids don’t learn to ‘sit’ or ‘stay’ until they have left the house and are having their own kids. There can be happiness and joy but there is no guarantee. The only guarantee is that there will be problems and the more gracefully you learn to deal with those problems the better off you will be, the more you will learn and the more you will enjoy life. Even, biological children can make you rue the day you decided to have them. Even biological children can be so difficult that it’s difficult to love them and impossible to trust them. Even biological children and the stress that raising them adds to life, can ruin a marriage. I'm sorry some of you were put in the position of adopting your own relatives because no one else would step up, that would be very difficult because I think that you have to be more than ready to do something like that and the reality is that you can never be entirely ready for such a huge change.<br />
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To “momofadopted” don’t feel guilty. Maybe you raised or are raising 6 awesome biological children and that is amazing. Maybe the kids you adopted are not fitting in but I'd bet that you have the skill set, the patience and the ability to figure those kids out. Don’t judge yourself by their actions and misbehavior. You are just the teacher. You can not control the outcome. You are mothering them because no one else would. They don’t need to turn out like your bio kids, they just need a mom, even if they end up in prison!! You know things that are almost impossible to learn unless you have raised children. The knowledge you have will help you and then you should fill in the gaps with God. I know a woman and her husband who had 6 children and the first five gave them a run for their money. Her nest is empty now but her kids have had some real serious problems. The 6th she says must have been a present from God because he was easy from the day he was born. One day she was exercising and worrying about some of the messes her kids were in when she broke down crying at the thought of it all. When she told me the story she said, “I got done crying and took a deep breath and thought ‘please, please help me’”. It was at that moment that the thought came to her ‘You asked to raise these children”. She now believes that God gave her the kids she had because He knew she could handle it and because He knew that even though these kids weren’t going to do what they were told and were going to make choices in life that would make their lives more difficult, that she (my friend) was the BEST person to mother them. Biological children and adopted children are all ultimately Gods children. As parents we attempt to teach and train little souls to be productive, compassionate members of society and if we can’t do that our only job left, is to love them.

It's so hard to talk to anyone about these feelings because we are judged so harshly, the problem is if we don't get these feelings out it just builds and builds and hurts the relationship with our adopted children. I am going through a hard time with mine, I adopted older children. I love children and have 6 bio children also. I wanted to give a child/children stability and love them unconditionally. I'm struggling because I feel so very guilty that I don't feel more for my children, I want to be an awesome mom but I'm struggling with pain, guilt, anger (at behavior problems) I thought I was the kind of person that would be great at this....I feel like I'm failing them. I want them to get what they deserve (unconditional love) but I'm not sure if I can give it to them....

It's so hard to talk to anyone about these feelings because we are judged so harshly, the problem is if we don't get these feelings out it just builds and builds and hurts the relationship with our adopted children. I am going through a hard time with mine, I adopted older children. I love children and have 6 bio children also. I wanted to give a child/children stability and love them unconditionally. I'm struggling because I feel so very guilty that I don't feel more for my children, I want to be an awesome mom but I'm struggling with pain, guilt, anger (at behavior problems) I thought I was the kind of person that would be great at this....I feel like I'm failing them. I want them to get what they deserve (unconditional love) but I'm not sure if I can give it to them....

How may older kids did you adopt?

I'm so thankful to find people willing to posts their true feelings. I'm crying while reading the posts, both for the parents (who adopted or had to chose against) and for the kids. No, its not the kids' fault but some do have severe behavioral problems. <br />
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I was looking for info to help me quit thinking 'I wish I hadn't adopted her' as often as I do, but now think I'll probably always have those thoughts. We adopted a 1.5 yr old and I mistakenly thought that was young enough to shape her personality & temperant... Almost 2 years later and I still regret adopting her. She was in foster care, with no one in her family willing or legally able to take her and I was approached by the grandmother, friend of the family. I love being a mom and thought after some adjustments all would be well - she's not extreme but is difficult - and I feel bad for getting upset by her so easily when she's defiant, screaming, etc. Just much more situations and emotions to deal with than my bio or step-son and I can't help but wish for that life before her.<br />
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Also have to deal with the bio mom wanting to see her and that we live in the same area. She didn't provide basic care when she had her and isn't doing much better with her next child. I don't see a benefit to creating a relationship there as my daughter was taken at 4 mo. and doesn't know who she is.<br />
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I do love her and will find ways to deal with my thoughts - just had thought I wouldn't still feel regret.

You don't see a benefit to her having a relationship with her biological mother? Or her blood sibling? That is unfortunate. It is quite likely that when she is older she will feel resentful that she was denied these relationships. Your daughter may not "know" them, but they are a part of her, and they always will be.

And how can you be so cold towards the pain and suffering of your child's natural mother? You don't know what was happening in this woman's life, or what went down with CPS. The one thing that seems certain is that she is in pain over the loss of her child. Can't you show this woman some compassion? I am sure that she would give anything to have the opportunity that you are enjoying right now--the chance to raise her daughter.

We've got an 11 year old girl in our home, she's a foster child who has been with us since August 2011 and we're on the path to adoption. My husband loves her and wants her but I don't. We were given half truths by the county social worker. I had doubts after meeting this girl for the first time but our social worker talked me into staying with the process. She is way behind in school and is verbally abusive when she doesn't want to do homework, or doesn't want to follow house rules. I basically have one of 2 choices: I go with the program and agree to adopt her and feel miserable, or leave my home. My husband and I will break up if I opt not to adopt - he was harping on me for years to have kids and I never wanted to. I know I'll get slammed for my post.

Please don't adopt her with these feelings. Your husband will only become closer to her and you will resent her. You are lucky you haven't finalized or done an international. You should be first in
your marriage. There is nothing wrong with you.

Nothing wrong with with you, you could not take care of a dog.

Please don't go through with the adoption if you feel that way. You will only resent the child and resent your husband as well for pushing you to take a child you don't want. Let the marriage go if you have to, but please, for everyone's sake don't take this child you don't want.

Sounds like adopted child syndrome. It is real. Please read about it. I'm sorry for you bad experiences but there is a dark side to adoption that is not being recognized by our society. There are books out there which deal with this. More research needs to be done.

WOW, I was thinking that I was the only one who felt this way. I was unable to have children and at the age of 39 and my husband 43 had an opportunity to adopt two half brothers (6 & 8). It has been nothing but a bad situation from the beginning. These children now four years later are no better, in fact now it is all about lying, stealing and sneaking. It is really sad because when I look at them I regret ever adopting them. I certainly do not feel a close connection to them and at times hate them. It makes me feel like a horrible monster to have these feelings. This is exactly why most people do not adopt older children and all of their problems. I used to have such a happy life with my husband but now it is normally full of termoil.

You hit the nail on the head. You are a horrible person.


Why don't you see what you can do about reuniting them with their biological mother? You could at least try to arrange for her to see them. Maybe part of the problem is that they love her and miss her.

I would like to commend you on the decision to not adopt those kids. I am sure that was one of the toughest things you have ever done. <br />
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Adoption is not right for everyone, and those kids will be better off with a family that loves them.

I posted a comment a few months ago and just wanted to update on my situation. My husband and I decided, after having temporary custody of 2 boys for 5 months, to not pursue permanent custody and adoption. We were in a situation that we knew would only get worse and even though it was really hard to come to that decision, we knew that this was the best for all involved. <br />
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"Fullofregret" responded to my original comment and gave me the best advice, to follow my gut no matter what the fall out. I did that and I am so thankful to her. I guess I want to pass on the same advice to others. If you look at the child, even before you have custody, and have even the smallest amount of doubt, do not pursue the adoption of that child. Looking back, my husband and I had small twinges of doubt that we ignored because we really wanted a family and wanted to give the boys a family. We were talked out of those doubts by social workers and family members who also wanted to see the boys have a good home. Unfortunately, we listened to everyone else when we should have listened to our own hearts. <br />
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The boys were transferred from our home in May and put into a foster situation along with their sister who was originally going to adopted separately. Another family is interested in getting custody of the boys. We were able to reach out to that family and fill them in honestly about what issues they should be prepared to face, something that wasn't done for us. I think the family wants the boys anyway and apparently has a large support system to help with some of their issues, something that we didn't have. I hope that it works out for all involved.<br />
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As far as my husband and I, we are in such a better place and feel like we made the right decision. We were not a good fit for the boys and that exhausted both of us and exasperated the boys. We are slowly going back to normal life and have no regrets. I know people might not understand, but we don't even miss the boys. <br />
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We are moving forward and will have to discuss at a future date if we will remain childless or if we will try infertility treatments again. I know for sure that adoption is off the table for us, especially after the experience we had. It was the most isolating and lonely experience we have ever had. The social workers didn't know how to help us, specialists we hired didn't know how to guide us, our friends and family didn't understand us, and their attempts to support us, made us feel even lonelier. The boys suffered the most as they were also going through all of this with us. We learned that only those who adopt can understand what we went through and only those who have lived through a traumatic adoption experience understand why we disrupted. <br />
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My heart goes out to all of you who have gone through or who are currently going through bad adoption experiences (both adoptees and adopters). I pray that you find the help and support you need.

I too hate the child my husband and I adopted. He just turned 9 and has severe ADHD and other psychological issues. He just recently exposed himself to our biological 5 yr/old daughter. I do NOT trust him at all. I told my husband that I didn't want to adopt him from the beginning. He was 3 1/2 when the adoption was final, but we had had him since the age of 3 months. <br />
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I could tell around the age of 2 that he needed "help." His behaviors were impulsive and moods were very unstable. I fear for our safety when he reaches his teens. He is on meds but that too is an ongoing battle.....he is cconstantly at the doctors getting his meds adjusted. He is more trouble than what I have time for. I have 2 other children, biological, and they seem to always take the back burner b/c he is constantly demanding my attention. <br />
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I wish that his bio mom could get him back. She claims that she was never informed of his adoption/termination of parental rights. This kid is driving me insane and making me a VERY angry person. I want to enjoy my bio kids and have him out of the equation. Unfortunately, my husband and mother think he is the greatest thing. I am seriously considering leaving my husband b/c of him. My sanity is more important than anything else.<br />
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I feel so much for your situation and I understand your desperateness. I too lived with 2 little boys that I just didn't like and had no afinity with. We got temporary custody of them last year after spending weekends and holidays with them. We weren't well informed of all of their issues which weren't apparent on the brief visits we had with them before they came to live with us.
Within one month of them moving in, I knew something was not right and told my husband we had made a mistake. He conviced me it would get better once we all adjusted to each other. One month later, it was worse and I went to social services for help. I met with them on three different occasions to express my doubts and each time I was talked out of my feelings. I sought outside professional help with specialists for the boys and me, and just felt worse after being told that the boys would need years of major therapy and treatment. I had to face the fact that i was not equipped or prepared to handle the boys and their problems. I was in over my head and I was taking it out on the boys. I was angry at them most of the time and couldn't even stand to eat at the table with them. I know those boys suffered because of me and felt my frustration and anger.
My husband refused to accept that things were as bad as they were and told me that it was my problem and i needed to deal with it. He was convinced that things would get better over time. This made me feel even more alone and isolated. I had serious thoughts of leaving him after 15 years of marriage. I didn't see anyway out of the situation. In a last ditch effort I asked him to accompany me to an appointment with a social worker to talk about the issues we were facing. It was at that meeting that my husband's eyes were opened to what we were dealing with. By the end of the 2 hour session, we decided to not pursue the adoption of the boys and it was a joint decision. The boys were transferred 2 weeks later.
We don't regret our decision and our life is finally getting back to normal. We faced alot of criticism from certain friends for giving up on the boys, but we still stick by our decision, not just for our sake, but for the boys sake. We were all in a situation that just wasn't good for any of us and I believe would have eventually torn our family apart.
Your situation is different to mine, but I empathize 100% with everything you are feeling. You are at your limit and desperate.
I don't know how to help other than to remind you you aren't alone and there are others of us out in the world that know exactly what you're going through. Good luck to you.

3 months! Thats all you crazy person. At 3 months your craziness is all that poor child has ever known.

Perhaps you can try to work things out with his bio mom so that she can resume custody. At the very least, you could try to arrange for her to have a greater relationship with him. It would probably be good for him to know that she loves him and it might help improve his behavior.

i have adopted a boy at three years old whose parents abused drugs. He was adopted through the county. I do know now, 13 years later, that many of these kids, no matter how old or young, will have so kind of special need. First of all, you don't know what the mother did during the pregnancy; also you are looking at DNA of people you don't know. It's not all about LOVE. Please. When that child lashes at you with a knife it suddenly is not this wholesome story about love is why I adopted. We went to parenting classes and they still did not prepare us for what was to come. The really cute, healthy kids are not going to come up for adoption. They will be adopted by some family member. So if you adopt through the county, expect to deal with specials needs, and expect the unexpected. Yes, there are good times, but suddenly they need counseling, medications, and then when they are teenagers they need much more and you may be taking care of them for a long time. So research the heck out of what you are doing before you do it, and a cute little 3 year old does not stay that way. As for a birth kid, yes I know the DNA and what the mother did during the pregnancy. The odds are you will have a bettter chance with a well adjusted kids that way. If you foster, you might get emotionally attached and feel guilt pains when you wanted to adopt but saw the kids was going to be too much work. That commitment is hard. Personally, I think some people can adopt if they have lots of patience, stay home alot, prepared to give the child lots of structure, has lots of patience, has an even temperment, has lots of patience, prepared to lose friends and family, has an even temperment. Remember , these kids are your responsibility until they reach 18. Adoption is very serious and not disneyland, nor a movie. It's real life. I would not adopt again. I don't have the patience nor temperment.

Maybe you parents should have thought about these issues BEFORE you adopted. I think its just sickening. Im an adopted adult. I cant even believe the state would let you all adopt to begin with. Goes to show they will give a child to just about anyone.<br />
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You think your child is causing you issues? Trying being the child. Trying being taken away from your family and placed somewhere unfamiliar. Or imagine coming from a family where you were abused. There is a reason these children have issues!!! ITS NOT THEIR FAULT FOR GOT SAKE!<br />
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I was adopted as an infant. I've been in mental hospitals, boarding schools, you name it because my parents couldnt deal with me. But I am a normal functioning member of society. No thanks to them. The kids arent the ones with the problems. Its the parents. They are a product of their environment.

I am 13 and yea its probably not easy for the parents but think how hard it is on us kids...I mean we are taken away from our homes that we live in and put into some strangers house...And i mean its great and all that you are trying to get her help but dont give up on her..Its hard on everybody ecspesially her..Adoptees have more problems than the average person and always will...we have pasts that we relive on a daily ba<x>ses.

This is exactly the attitude that's so counterproductive. My husband loves this child. My son loves her. She loves all of us. She has NO CLUE about my feelings, nor will she ever. I "act" like a loving mother, I do the things I did with my bio son - we shop, we paint, we do hair, we knit (OK, i knit, she ties knots). In a million years, I would not let her know how I feel. I assure you, she is NOT in pain -- she is deliriously happy. And I sincerely doubt there's a family out there who wants an almost-8-year-old who would be devastated by leaving the only family she's ever had, no matter how imperfect we might be. Best think before you dish out ridiculous advice.

That child might be clueless to your feelings now, but at some point she WILL see right through your "act". No advice, but I feel very sorry for all involved.

Yes, we adopted children do eventually see through the games that the adopting parents play. I am 40 now, obviously when I was a baby I did not know I was adopted, but when I got older I was told and that answered so many questions I had about why I was ignored so much and never listened to. I too spent time in juvenile detention centers at an older teenage age.

Not because of my running away in my mind, but because my adoptive mother just never listened to me because of the crimes of the man she later married.

The responses by the adopting parents here disguss me as I get an inner gut feeling you all would just love to medicate these children to deal with them less and will ignore them when they come to you with problems, unlike you would if it were your own children.

A lot of you sound like you do not realize that even if it were your own child, your own child could have problems you would need to deal with too.

Acting like a loving parent and actually being a loving parent is two different things. My adopting mother used to brush my hair, WOW. She used to occasionally say she loved me. I later learned in life that many can so easily say those words and mean ****.

True intent acts speak louder than words. As far as I am concerned if she showed faith in me and believed in me and kicked that arce out I would have believed she loved me more. Instead she wanted me to show I loved him and to serve him and ordered me to sit on his lap etc...

Quite the opposite of what a real parent would or should do isn't it? Yeah my adopting mother used to knit too, guess what you sound like her, hope you are not indeed like her and would make her live in pain for anything she comes and tells you and you choose that someone else is worth more than her.

You are a mess!

I just want to say to the other people on here who say they do not love their adopted children and it is a mistake maybe it's time to talk to the agency you went through to adopt them and help these children move to a family who will love them. As an adult adoptee I already know first hand how adoption can cause grief and loss and I only spent a few months in foster care as an infant. These children are in pain and need people who are willing and able to commit to them full time. I honestly never though I would suggest disruption to someone but clearly you are not the people to parent these kids. Think of how they will they will feel when they figure out they are unwanted by the people who were supposed to give them a second chance at life. Sounds like the children that you adopted are from foster care and their parents had issues which made them unable to care for their kids. All i can say is how sad. I truly hope you do the right thing. There are many families waiting and willing to love and care for these kids.

Hi Kirsty,<br />
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I think what you are feeling is normal. You need to give yourself time and a break and also see if you can get some assistance. Seeing your physican may help as well. It does sound like you are depressed. This is a huge change. You didn't have any children and went to two kids. The other thing with older child adoption is that the kids although behaved come to you as people with personalities, behaviours etc...I adopted my three year old son this year and it has been wonderful. I was already a mother though and my other son did find it hard at first. I think it is very different than having a child from birth because you experience everything from when they were little and grow with them. I don't know where you live but maybe try to see if you have a local adoption association that can suggest someone to talk to. I live in BC Canada and we have a great Adoptive Family association here. Sometimes you just need some help getting through this. Take care and hang in there.<br />

Kirsty, I thought I had PADS for months after bringing home a 15-month-old from China. I sobbed and begged my husband to disrupt, and he held fast, saying he knew I would thank him someday. It's almost seven years later, and every day is a burden - I don't want her, don't love her, don't like her and don't see any way out of this except to keep pretending to be her mother. Honestly, if I could give you any advice from these long seven years, it would be to listen to your gut. Listen and follow your heart. I didn't, and I am paying every day. <br />
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It's such a lose-lose situation to be in -- you need so badly to confide in someone, to pour out your heart and your grief, but society does not take kindly to circumstances like this. I wish you the very best and am here if you have questions. <br />
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Hey I have a similar adoption experience as what you have written and I am hoping you can update me on how your situation is now? Any better? How do you cope? Thanks so much! -Amanda

I have had custody of 2 boys ages 10 and 7 since November 2010. The adoption won't be final for at least another 6 to 9 months. I feel extremely guilty in saying that I regret taking these boys. My husband and i have been married for 15 years and always wanted children, but could never have our own. We have been in the adoption process for 2 years and now that we have kids, I desperately want to go back to how my life was before, just me, my husband, and the 2 dogs. I am exhausted and dearly miss being kid free. The reason I feel so guilty and selfish is that these boys are so well behaved and even though they are delayed emotionally, physically, and academically, they are really not that much work at all. I just don't enjoy being a mother and it took being one to realize that. I had a complete melt down last week from the guilt and have no clue what to do. I told my husband how I feel and he thinks this will all get better once we are adjusted. I have been trying really hard to have fun with the boys and spend more time with them, so maybe that will help. I am a little afraid of the reaction I will get for this posting. I see on other sites and forums how other adoptive parents with similar feelings are ostrasized and labeled as monsters for taking the kids in the first place. I had no clue I would feel this way, went through all of the training, psychological testing, interviews, support group meetings, and waited for 2 years and I had no idea I would be the type of person to think about giving up my kids. I am currently researching PAD (post adoption depression) as I feel like maybe that's what's going on. Does anyone have any experience with that type of depression or can anyone relate to what I am feeling? Any insights would be really helpful.


so sorry this happened to you. it would seem that the agency didnt do their homework and didnt ask the correct questions of you. its not your fault its the agency putting money ahead of the boys welfare as usual.

I am seriously suffering from PADS right now... In that way I understand and it is something I keep to myself because the reactions are either "you are a horrible selfish person" or "you should be happy now that you finally have your daughter." All I want to do is curl up and die... And you can't tell the adoption worker or they will take your kid away. I have been trying the "fake it till you make it" but I am not making it. Best of luck to you and try to find help... I have not been able to yet.

the stories are so so sad, I am having doubts myself about the all process .we have gone through the panel and are on standbye. i do feel for you hololady and wanted to know how you are and if you have any advice for me.

I read through your blog further down the page. I ' m glad you listened to "full of regret". She was full of wisdom from experience to give such wise advice. I have been through hell for the last several years because of an adoption decision my husband and made. You made the right decision. Not missing them is okay. Don't have any regrets. Enjoy life! Blessings to you!

I hope the best you. I am hanging in there with my difficult child. I had three difficult children at one point. Long story. Anyway it is a money story for me if I could put him in residental care i would. I wake up everyday praying to get through another day with him. He continues to raise havic on the more"normal" family in the house. We have no peace while he lives with us. I am counting down the days until he is 18. God bless you in your continual trail

2 More Responses

i am adopted. my adopted mom adopted me when i was 3. my older siblings were never adopted because people are scared of adopting older children. they lived in homes for teenagers that dont have a family. its sick that no one would take them in. <br />
i think telling people that they should not adopt makes me extremely angry.<br />
your daughter has been through horrible experiences which have made her angry and made her lose trust in everyone. you need to be a mother that you promised to be to her. look up programs that will help her trust you and calm her hate for the world and her aggression. you need to find a good doctor to medicate her outbursts.<br />
telling someone not to adopt makes you a disgusting person. because not every child will act out like your daughter.

Instead of blaming people for not adopting your siblings, perhaps you should blame the birth parents for being so irresponsible. I think its just fine if people do not choose adoption.

I am now more stupid for having read your post. You took that away from me and I can never get it back.

I love you "Ihateyou74"!

I am a 44 year old married , two kids, 19,18 and adopted a 3 year old . The wife wanted another kid , I begged for and older one. Now I lovethe kid but hate my wife. I never wanted to ge t into this it is all a pain in the butt. SHe is never allowed to have any ideas again and if it is her idea it is a bad one. Rememeber Gen 3:17 Because you have listened to your wife and eaten from the apple ( we all are screwed)

I am 50yrs, i adopted a 2yr old and regret it after a few months, I did not realize the work involved and patience and time consuming. She is almost 3yrs and i am so frustrated everyday cuz it is all about her. I have had to put my own son aside and my husband to take care of her. I dont love her as my own child, but love her cuz she has nobody i feel sorry for her. My life feels as if i am living it only for her as she is extremely demanding and with a similar personality of her bipolar mom whom is my niece. No other family member was able to step up so that cps wouldnt take her so family members pressured me to take her. Help!


Maybe now that your niece is older you can give her back. She can do a home study and get approved for adoption. I am sure she would love the opportunity to be a mother to her own child again.

I understand how hard it can be to forgive a family member who has assaulted you, and I'm sure the episode has traumatized you to some degree. <br />
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If you're religious, think about how God forgives you for all your sins, no matter how big or small. Forgiveness is a very important virtue. <br />
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Also, this is a child you're dealing with. Having gone through all she's gone through, she was most likely just frustrated with the whole situation and not taught better in her previous home(s).<br />
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Not all older adoptive children are bad, I wouldn't not recommend it just because you had a bad experience with it.