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I Regret Adopting...

we adopted our daughter at the age of 11, and her bio brother at the age of 2. There were behavior problems from the beginning, but we managed trying various counselors etc. However this past spring my adoptive daughter assaulted me, choked me. She is now in residential treatment. We are trying to get her the help she needs, going thru counseling. We are empathetic to her past...but she crossed a line. I do not want to "give up on her" like all the adults in her life. BUT I regret bringing her into our life. I feel obligated to take her back...and it is difficult to want to take back a person that violently attacked you. I do not trust her, or forgive her.

I think adopting older children is a joke! and I would NEVER recommend it to anyone. I blame the system that lets children stay to long in abusive places without giving them the proper therapy to help them get over their pain.

 

regret2003 regret2003 31-35 68 Responses Dec 25, 2008

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Until you try to parent a kid with RAD you have no idea how difficult and frustrating it is. I wonder if anyone reading this has parented a RAD kid and been happy to have had the experience.

I really thought I was alone in the whole regret of adopting. I adopted a little boy at the age of 11. My husband and I at the time were not looking to adopt until a baby who's mother I went to school with couldn't take care of him anymore. Lots of drugs were involved before during and after her pregnancy. I didn't want to adopt at the time but was pressured by family that it was the right thing to do. Even though my marriage was rocky to begin with. After eight years of marriage I divorced him and dated and remarried my childhood first love. Things are great and we managed to have a child of our own. My ex husband has majority of the custody. My adopted son hates my husband now and wants me to get back with his daddy. He is a problem child and takes a lot of medication and sees his councilor weekly. He tells me he hates my husband that he doesn't want to be with me and that he will find a way to never have to come back. He is 8 now. I have to watch him around my infant because of some disturbing things I've seen him do to other children. He is very mean! He is known for making up stories. When caught he'd say he was just playing. But now he keeps going back to his daddy tells him my husband slaps or punches or hits him. But I know for a fact he isn't doing that. My husband and I walk on egg shells when he comes over. And now we are scared he's going to tell "stories" and by having him come over every weekend or when he comes over that we are risking what we have. I don't know what to do. I don't want him over here anymore. I can use any advice

I think that when one makes the decision to adopt, they take a leap of faith. No one knows what the outcome is until they bring the child into their home and try to raise them. I feel that the negative comments made in response to the original post is very judgemental. It's easy to criticize and tell others what they should do and how they should feel as long as you are not in their shoes. To those who are criticizing, it would be interesting to see what YOU would be willing to tolerate if you were in their shoes. Adopt a foster child who has been abandoned and mistreated, and stand by that child even if it costs you EVERYTHING. If you are not willing to do that yourselves, then keep your mouths shut and stop judging others who tried their best.

I was an older child that was adopted. You sound like the type of person who shouldn't of adopted period! My adoptive mother had no idea what she was doing and put me through all kinds of abuse along with my younger sibling. As I got older I began to retaliate. I left when I was 16. I am now 26 and a parent myself and I've been working with children for 7 years. I know it takes a strong, warm hearted, selfless person to adopt an older child. This world that we live in does not have enough of these kinds of people. Based on what you wrote, and how you wrote it, it's plain to tell that this is not a category you fit into.

You shoulda considered that before you adopted. The individual is a child that had issues & needed love, not a pair of shoes you take back cause they dont fit. I feel sorry for the child. You are not loyal, have no wisdom and u are weak. Please stay away from that child. They need a strength & love you dont have. YOU should be ashamed of yourself. Its either you are gonna love or not. SOMETIMES Love IS HARD WORK. I am so ashamed of you.

I adopted a sibling group of three boys and for years I have tried to get help for these ODD, RAD, ADD, etc children. I lost my marriage, my jobs and my home. No one will help and when I try I get shunned. I do not know what. To do anymore!!!

Role up your sleeves and try harder. You should have considered issues b4 u adopted. As a parent you try, try, try, keep trying, try, try some more, try, try and try again. Parenting is selfless.

Oh, so sorry for your pain. But you have no idea what it feels like to be the kid that lost their mother. As a child it is incomprehensible pain that overwhelms you and complicates everything. It's sickening, disturbing and just wrong. Whatever you are going through pales in comparison to the pain the adopted child goes through. Look up Joe Soll. He can help all of you. myadoptionexperience.weebly.com

Preach! They come across like they expected jus $ & an easy time. Love is work. There should b a more lengthly screening process b4 these hurting children are released into these individuals care. GOD PLEASE BLESS THESE CHiLDREN with strong parents that understand love is work (like u did me)

I'm not adopted and I have the same problems. You don't have to trust but you have to love her. You can't push her away, do you realize what she went through?

Dear UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Thank you for saving me. Thank you for implementing plans/services/agencies to help children find families. But, please, please take it a little further & create a more extensive screening process and follow ups. I was orphaned, I was in foster care and i was also adopted, but I am also graduating from college this coming june. In addition, I have held down a job as a Tutor/Professors Assistant for ten years while being a Single Mother. What I am most proud of...what I reflect everyday is how in 1998 my adopted mother sat straight up on her death bed just to tell everyone in the room how proud she was of me. I am especially humbled when my child and I finish singing at church my Adopted Dad sits on the pew and weeps. He told me that despite the negative things people told him about adoption and to give up on me he never did. Daddy said that carpal tunnel surgery on both hands, two heart surgeries, a host if other ailments and one meal of per day of pills he has to take to survive, is NOTHING cause hes WANTS to live because he is happy because of me. Omg it feels good to hear them say "You were worth the struggle." USA thanks again please continue to invest in ALL of your citizens. If there is any help that my Gov. needs...in this area & in Education, call on me. :)

I totally understand how you feel. I regret adopting too. Out of four adopted siblings I have one who is a really good kid with a normal outlook on life. The other three are living the life their genetics have predisposed them too.
The oldest daughter (now 17) has been in and out of the psych ward since she was 5, and now that she is a teen the doc says he is pretty sure she has antisocial personality disorder to the highest degree. No amount of medicine or counseling can cure that!!!! Her next stop should be jail, she already has a juv record and all they give these kids is a slap on the wrist because they don't want to clog the system up with them....
The worst thing I ever did was adopt these kids. Nature OUTRULES NURTURE and dont' let anyone tell you any differently. There is no bond... They have stolen, lied, brought druggie criminals into our home and are well known by the police in three towns. I AM AGAINST ADOPTION! I THINK ALL CHILDREN SHOULD STAY WITH THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS because no matter what type of life you offer them... genetics take over eventually.
These kids have given me nothing by heartache.

Omg...the way you sound. Soooo if a child loses its parents what then. I am so scared for theses children. Maybe children who lose their parents can be taken into military life. The military is waaaay more loyal and they have the resources to help these children and grow them into DYNAMIC compassionate loyal human beings. My Adopted Dad served as a Marine.

She has severe trauma from being adopted, no, abandoned, if you thought of her like a true mother you wouldn't consider "giving up on her" that's what she's trying to see, test your love because its something that can be taken in her eyes. And in the life of the adopted its true. Love is to be earned because no one else wanted you anyways.

Yes, yes, yes. However please yall remember some children are orphaned at no fault of their own. Accidents, homicide all sorts of circumstances can render a child parentless. Wish I could sit down & talk to POWER about this. God please help these children.

That was a bold and honest story. thank you.

My husband and I are going through the adoption process now we want to adopt a sibling group of kids maybe 3 we want a big family and I expect lots of chaos lots of noise and lots of joy. We don't have lots of money we work hard and struggle like most people and we have a grown up biological child. I'm excited! I can't wait! I want to fill the kids with adventures dreams and hope for their future. While doing our best to ease their nightmares and insecurities. We are not perfect and know its a going to be a roller coaster but hey bring it on! We will give it our all.

MAY GOD BLESS YOU, KEEP YOU AND WALK WITH WHOM YOU LOVE. From someone who was adopted

Well done good and faithful servant.

I was adopted at birth and it was quite clear to everyone when I was a little bit older that my adopted Parents should never have been Parents at all. They were verbally abusive, denied me medical care that almost killed me and if I cried, told me they would send me to an orphanage.
What these so-called Parents don't realize, is that they could have had biological children that would not be perfect! They are in denial thinking that if they had a natural child, the child would never cry, be angry or do anything wrong.
A child is brought into this world as a blank slate. If you think that a child holds all the responsibilities fore their actions and as an adult, you had nothing to do with their behavior...you are in total denial. You are right. You should have never adopted a child. Quite frankly, it is a blessing you were unable to have children at all.

Omg. I feel sorry that God has to watch some of the things that take place. I am sooo sorry u went through that. If u need family...call on me

I was there! I was told everyday I should be thankful they adopted me, because no one else wanted me. Everyday I wished my life would end because I had enough. Now I couldn't be more happy with my life raising a family of my own. I do plan to adopt an older child one day as well. I know what it's like to want to be part of a family so bad, and not feel as if I fit in.

Wendy and kitkat are idiots in my book. Love is not enough. Look up the book by nancy thomas. These kids are sometimes beyond repair. I have had experts in RAD tell me to relinquish, if I want to have a life. Experts!

Yup. Sooo those who cant stand the potential struggle, LEAVE THESE CHILDREN ALONE. Please STAY AWAY FROM THEM. They need emotionally STRONG gaurdians

I am in the same boat. My daughter is only 7 and the worst nightmare I have ever experienced. I want to give her back and would do so in a heartbeat. My life has suffered because of her and her RAD. I can honestly say I hate her and want to put her up for adoption again. No one told me she had RAD or I would have never adopted her in the first place. I feel for you and wish I could give mine away too.

Shame on you. What a disgusting thing to say. Children are not PETS. If you were expecting a child to be a certain way you were obviously too immature to take on the role of a mother. That child is hurting inside. That child is a CHILD. And you hate it? Sick. You're like my step mother who told me I was stupid and that she didnt have to love me. I am an adult now, well behaved and well functioning but guess what? That haunts me even today, especially since I was a good kid. But even if I had been a terrible child, no one deserves to be taken into a family without any say in it themselves, then be discarded like some object. Makes me bloody sick. Makes me love my adopted dad even more for keeping me as long as he did. Gosh this is disgusting

News Flash: All children are terrible in the eyes of weak guardians.

I am in tears, tears, parenting is selfless. She is not worth your money, house, car, comfort???????? True parents would die for their children. I am so ashamed but glad this is exposed. (Adopted person in tears)

You don't deserve the title mom.

1 More Response

I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering. It cannot be easy trying to love someone who only gives you pain, disrespect and hurt back. I hope that you can find a way to get some relief. Maybe placing the child in a therapeutic group home would be best for you and for the rest of your family. That is not giving up on her but it is allowing you to have some time to regroup and get some respite.

Perhaps the parents should train...develop themselves into stronger people. Maybe the parents were not strong enough.

That sounds like my story. My title is "exhausting".

I raised 4 children and have done receiving care for foster kids for 15 years. after getting an 11 year old back from foster/adopt homes several times over 2 years, we asked her if she wanted us to adopt. We felt bad that she was being jerked around by the state. 3 years later she has decided that she wants to live w a birth sister who has her own 24/7 party house. Since we said no she has made enough allegations to make the school think we are pervs, the office wonder at my sanity and her birth family to call cps after every visit. I just can't stand her. She's a rad kid with passive/aggressive defiance. She charms the pants off of every adult who she feels can further her cause and I spend all my time putting out the fires. I'm tired. My husband is tired.
In a year she can go to job corp, or in 2 she can marry, or in 3 she can get the hell out. Those are my target days.
And for those adults who are so bitter about their childhood? We didn't cause those issues. We are just doing the best we can do. It may not have been a great job but it was the best that could have been done in an impossible situation...

Heckle NO! She dont go to stay in no 24/7 party hole. She is your investment, your love, the project God gave YOU. Fight tooth and nail for her. Love her like you would have wanted if you had lost your parents and needed love.

You should look her straight in the eye with your hands on her shoulders and say the following: "I am going to give you the love I would have wanted and needed had I lost my own parents at a young age."

If you have not done so already, why don't you get off your high horse; adopt a foster child with serious issues, and sacrifice EVERYTHING to raise it even if the child has been so traumatized it gives you nothing but grief??

I am an adopted child and I think you are selfish but I do understand your point of view. Please don't give up on her and find it in your heart to forgive her. Help her through and be there for here, things can only get better.

I think more people regret adopting more than it is spoken of. Your are simply honest about what you feel and there it is a burden lifted...I hope. As for children staying too long in 'abusive places', ( homes) I totally agree that the system definitely needs to investigate and update polices on that one. When all is said and done, we never know what an outcome with an adopted child will be. With ones own child it might be more easily predicted...but then, our biological children might also hold surprises that are unimaginal. We have adopted a child who is now seven years old. She was sexually abused but we didn't know it until she told of her suffering to myself and several of my friends who were seated around my kitchen table. Since then we have tried counseling, praying and a more understanding than I knew i had; not to mention love...but still raising her has been hell on earth. Do I regret adopting her? Most days I do. Then there are the sweet moments were she makes my heart smile with admiration. She is young and impresionable and very much in need of constant supervision. My regret is that her biological mother did not 'mother' her properly and that she (the child) will probably never have a lasting relationship that is meaniful. She is ADHA and that is a hard thing ti deal with. As I stated most days I regret having taken her in, but then I ask God to help me to meet the challenge because after all, I have forever prayed for Him to make me His servant. As I serve this taxing tour of duty as mom to an adopted child, the servant in me praise God that he has chosen me to remove a child from a horrible life and give her safety. Blessings to you for your honesty.

So my friend says, get off that site...it's a trap. She's right. The fact that there is a place where people are permitted to be this "sick" in public, is sick in it self. Guess what world, I was adopted, sexually abused by their older sons (at church mind you), made to stay quiet...bla bla bla...I left at 17...put myself through college, became very successful and have a wonderful family! I have many friends who were adopted and friends who have adopted and have never seen such garbage. People, you create your destiny, you create your heaven and you create your hell! READ the Secret and save those babies you said you would raise! The problem is not adoption, it's your parenting! Find a life coach!

PS...still think "Ihateyou74" made this night worth reading the madness!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and YES

As a person who was adopted, I think people should be investigated before even being allowed to adopt. Maybe you weren't one who should have. The regret is yours for a reason...maybe you need help, not her. I am saddened when I hear parents turn to weakness as their form of strength. Find another source of strength and try again. Who is your daughter attracted to and emulate that. Let go of ego. I don't believe in second chances...but as many as it takes to get it right. It took courage to reveal your weakness but the courage really is finding your strength.

Omg...preach it!

I have three adopted children and honestly, I regret adopting one...the oldest. She was only 4 when legally adopted, though living with us since 2 1/2. She was allowed visitations with old foster family who mistreated us and her bio-mom, whom we love, but unhealthy and incarcinated.

Her issues are beyond my ability to deal with. Counseling twice weekly (diagnosis of RAD) and lots of 1 on 1 with my husband and I, but regardless of methods and reasoning, no acceptance of our love.
Infact, the older she has gotten (5 1/2 now) the more angry, vindictive, manipulative and hurtful she has become, especially towards me. She regularly tells me she doesn't love me,wants to live with her old foster family and/or wants to run away or be given away. I know it's so heartbreaking she has to deal w this but being human and a mom of an additional 3 young kids, it hurts and sucks. I love and despise her almost simultaneously. I have a warped, negative view of adoption as well. I don't recommend to anyone who inquires. I cry myself to sleep nightly. Having a child you cannot console or love/return love is insanely difficult. The hardest thing to deal with is NO ONE understands, even my husband. We view everything in opposites and he absolutely thinks I am wrong, confused or misunderstanding when she lies/manipulates. I get through my days by imagining/fantasizing about the type of life, marriage and mother I'd be if I hadn't adopted her. I need therapy but last one I had, I was unable to confide completely in. I would love to feel understood and validated. I'm lonely in a despair. Does anyone have advise, free of criticism ?

Law of attraction!

Wendy,

I am sorry you went through such an awful experience when adopted. So unfair. I think it's wonderful you were able to rise above and become successful with your own family. I just find it difficult to understand why you choose to criticize others who have adopted children whom they are struggling to parent. Most of us would kill anyone who even thought about hurting our child, as you were hurt.
I researched for a year and questioned children adopted through the system before even attempting the process of becoming a foster/adoptive home. Despite being 'aware' of situations and issues these children may have, no one can prepare you for the actual experience itself. I agree that if you choose to adopt, regardless of the child's issues, you Do NOT give up or mistreat them. I don't agree with 'returning' a child but i do respect that someone who is hurt enough to consider it, is valid to feel anyway they choose to feel. This includes, expressing these feeling. I believe, if used appropriately, forums like these are beneficial to me and others struggling to express themselves, gain validation & be heard. It is hard on me and others like me, as a parent, who loves my child & won't give up or stop. What happens/happened to my child hurts me as well. You are a mother, so you no doubt understand that aspect. I am human. I still have thoughts of regret, regardless of whether I'd ever act on my feelings. They are mine. This makes them valid. By expressing frustrations, and yes, venting through my writings, I can live another day, continue to help my child heal and am a better mother because i feel understood. It aggravates my situation though, when people, such as yourself, use this type forum as a way to deal w your negative experience. This helps no one. why not find a forum for others with your background? Why people go on forums to take out aggressions and give negative, hateful replies is beyond me. Everyone is struggling, surviving & NO ONE makes improvements by being disregarded and called names.

You should not feel criticized by me. I believe you are missing the point...a forum is not the place. I accidentally found this forum and was appalled that mothers would seek the advice of strangers and expect no criticism. I thought I gave you great advice...law of attraction. It was not meant to be a criticism it was meant be the advice you asked for. I will not apologize for my words as you must understand perception is reality and from my seat you mothers sound very selfish. Seriously, read the law of attraction, read the secret, it's on Netflix but stop spreading a negative perception of adoption and validating mother's who are struggling because it has nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with parenting; everything to do with that person's ability to cope with their emotions. Biological mothers go through the same thing. So what's the next story, I regret having children? That's why a forum is inappropriate. You should be talking with a professional therapist about this and not strangers. Furthermore, if you are going to put yourself out there then expect some criticism. Until you actually try my advice I don't think its fair to continue being defensive. You attracted advice because you ask for it, now attract a solution. Allyson, I deal with kids like your daughter everyday. You can do this. I'm successful because I'm good at what I do, I don't back down, especially to a 5 year old. You can do this.

ps...music and dance therapy found to be great for children with RAD...also yoga therapy. Find a certified yogafit provider if you can. RAD is similar to PTSD. I personally have seen great results using yoga for children with emotional disorders. Make sure you find a good provider. That is why I recommend a YogaFit provider.

A great article to start with:Effects of yoga on the autonomic nervous system, gamma-aminobutyric-acid, and allostasis in epilepsy, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
C.C. Streeter a,!, P.L. Gerbarg b, R.B. Saper c, D.A. Ciraulo a, R.P. Brown d

You are in despair because you are not thinking like a parent. I dONT care if you end up broke and homeless...roll up your sleeves and work. true parenting is selfless. True parenting can be hard work

2 More Responses

Adoption is a special thing once you sign those papers it's the parents job to take care of the child. She may have crossed a line but the first thing you need to do is forgive. I haven't been as forgiving and it has cost me so much. Don't hold a grudge against a child it's not worth it. That child has gone through so much and is still dealing with it. Older children are difficult in general and if she was abused I can understand her lashing out. I really can because at one point I was abused. I haven't moved on and I still have a lot of trust issues with people. It's not easy but she needs to know you will always be there for her. I am sorry if this offends but at the same time your not her and you have no clue as to what she really went through.

The system, you are the system. All of you sorry SOB's are a joke. You want people to feel sorry for you because you were not up to the task. Every one of you has more college than common sense. If i buy a car that I cannot afford it is my fault, if you did not know what you were getting into it is yours. You make a good case for the extinction of the human race or just fat lazy Americans who want children to respect them, but have no desire or will to teach them. I would hate to associate cancer or AIDS with a POS like you, but you should cease to be.
PS
florence miller can suck it

I feel the same way about my adopted daughter and I feel guilty. She has wreaked havoc in our lives since entering it and I'm mentally and physically exhausted.

or did you start that way?

i dont know HOW to respond to the posts on this board - I am also an adoptive parent of two adopted girls from Guatemala- they came to me as infants and are now teenagers- I really havent had a problem with them-

i was adopted and caused all kinds of hell for my parents till i went to jail for 6months and a boot camp for 2 and realized that the people that adopted me didnt have to nor do they have to do anything for me yet they still tried and it changed my attitude towards them, however im still depressed and hate the fact im adopted and thats where most of my rage comes frrom, i bet the family that adopted me was thinking the same thing as you.

Was your birth parent abusive? Why were you that angry for being adopted?

I am so sorry for what you are going through and so relieved to hear that someone else is feeling what I am. About 1 1/2 years ago my husband and I adopted a sibling group from foster care. We initially said we would adopt 2, but we were matched with a group of 4, and (foolishly) said yes. We were lied to about the level of problems these kids have, and have received NO HELP in getting the correct services for them. I wish every, single, day, they would go away. JUST GO AWAY. I have no positive attatchment to any of them. They take and take and take and give nothing in return. They are a drain on energy and resources and one of them will more than likely still end up in jail. I literally have a countdown loaded onto my computer waiting on the day they will turn 18 and I can be rid of them. We have 3 biological kids, and my husband worked in the system for 18 years before we adopted. We thought we knew what we were getting into. RUN. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

unfortunately, not necessarily the opposite of what a "real" parent would do, "real" parents do the same and worse every day.... I work with troubled children, and I have seen several biological children of drug addicts that exchanged sexual services of the child for drugs and these were supposedley their "real" parents.