I Hate Alcoholics, Like Me

I hate alcoholics, like me , meaning I hate myself. I am 26, nearly 27 years old and have been an alcoholic for 4 years. I am not about to offer any excuses for this, there is no point, excuses are meaningless.

I live with my parents. No one in my family knows about this, they all think everything is fine. I work 7 days a week and I only drink in the evenings. If I didn't work so much I would drink during the day as well. All my friends know about my problem but nothing is said between us about it. I put on 2 stone 3 years ago because of my addiction. I have lost that weight since and only keep it off because my job is quite active and I also have an eating disorder.

I keep very quiet about everything but I sometimes feel a lot of frustration building up. That is why I joined this forum to try and share my experiences and get a bit of sense kicked into me from people on the other side of this addiction. I will try to see every point of view and not get too biased and emotional.
lisa84uk lisa84uk
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 14, 2011

The only thing that can cure you is you. All you need is strong will power and a piece of realization that what you are doing has consequences. You already know that drinking too much can cause you to blackout (Not remembering anything the other day when you wake up). But as you said no one in your family knows about your habit reveals that you are a smooth operator. I don't think you would like to tarnish your image in front of your parents. Life is short, make the best of it.

Hey I truly get where ypu are coming from. I am a recovering opiod addict and have been clean over 100 days. Even though I used a different substance, It had the same effects on me. I felt low, worthless and ashamed. At the same time I had to change what my idea of an addict is, just like you need to change what your idea of an alcoholic is. When you close your eyes and think of an alcoholic, you probably think some really sad things. Someone who is homeless or at least has a DUI. Someone who is violent and cant hold a job. The truth is that statistics shows only 10% of alcoholics fit that desc<x>ription. Most work and have very impressive jobs. Most hide there addiction very well. <br />
At the end of the day I went to rehab. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It saved my life. My suggestion is go to an AA meeting and ask for help. You will never meet more people truly wanting to help you.

Lucky 4 you,your not a full fledged alcoholic ,not yet. I just came to post/vent about my alcoholic x whom I've known for 15 years,were together off and on for about 7/8 of them,it ended 5 yrs or more ago and he's been so drunk for so long he has no idea how long it's been.It's still hard on me cuz he calls me 20x a day,drunk texting dumb chit. He shows up ( we live in different boroughs of NYC) whenever he wants,pounding on my door,demanding me to let him in, drunk, belligerent,4 am ,screaming in my hallway,trying to bust my door in.Calling our 13 year old son at 4am waking him up and asking him crazy questions.He use to look mad good,stocky,clean cut,smelling good,now he looks like a crackhead ,a withered version of who he use to be,missing teeth,cuz people keep beating his drunk *** up, and he permanently stinks, so bad,so strong,alcohol seeps through his pores. He smells like an open bottle.He has to constantly drink,if not he goes through withdrawal,his body trembles,heart palpitations. Double vision,cold sweat, nausea,he got really bad 6 yrs ago,he use to wake up 4:30am to get ready 4 work,he dressed in 5 mins and crack open a pint,b4 he left to get to work,he has consumed 5 pints. He drink on average,20-30 pints a day.He drinks 1 pint in 1 sip.Then he'd get in his car,go to work.I come to find out,he never use to make it 2 work.His boss called me,asking me questions,I had no answers to.Asking me if my son was alright cuz he told his boss ,my son broke his leg, he said he also told him the day b4,my son broke his arm,the week b4 that he told his boss my son broke his wrist,the week before that apparently my son twisted his ankle. I was speechless. We came to an agreement,that he could keep his job,but he had to go to rehab.He went,1 week,left came home 3am,stinking drunk.Beating on me.blaming me.<br />
I thought I could help him,and the more I tried to help him quit,the more he would drink, the more violent with me he became.He started hiding bottles,pathologically lying,and the things he's said to me,the things I found out that he hide from me all these years,have left me so emotionally scarred, I haven't been with anyone for 4/5 years now.I wouldn't even know where to begin. I have no self esteem ,born,raised ,abandoned and abused by alcoholics my entire f@cking life,(I'm not bring family into this) I've acquired a very angry and bitter ,hopeless attitude .You would think I'm an alcoholic .He blamed me for his drinking. I'm 33 and he's been an alcoholic since he was 13,he claims cuz his mother died,he's 40 now u do the math. (fyi:He looks 50.) We broke up about 6 yrs ago,but he acts like don't know that and things are still the same,even worse,he pretends we are still together and he's "sleeping over" his dads house,the more I let him know it was over, He becomes suicidal.One day I found him trying to drive my son home,drunk,I jumped in car to get him and he stepped on gas, threatening to kill us all,(the 1st and last time he threatened me WITH MY son) swerving close to rails on the bridge,he lost his license,car,job and family.I tried to keep him away from his son,but that made it worse and the police are good for nothing.So,don't even go there, anyone.<br />
I tried to date when we broke up,he ruined both tries,I lost 4 jobs cuz he showed up to them,drunk in my offices.Fighting,calling me names,embarrassing me.I could never show my face at those places again.He shows up,makes a scene,so who wants to deal with that? Love at first sight is rare,no one I've just met would want to deal with that headache. I don't blame anyone,I guess if I had a normal life I wouldn't want to hang out with me and my crazy ex. I can't make any new relationships,no friends,no family,no lovers,I'm all alone.Whenever I get a job,school or he picks up something on his "radar" his visits increase,and I either quit or get fired or never show my face again, because I can't handle it,too tired.He always shows up,I never sleep,we get physical and my body hurts, from pushing him out my door.He ruined my last chance with a guy,by having my son one weekend and me being stupid to think I could have this new man in my home, unknown to me at this time,he came that night and listened to my door and heard us,so he says,so his excuse is he went on a 72 hour binge,ending it off by taking my son and a liter of e+j to the beach in 100+ degree day,and almost succeeded in committing suicide by drowning,leaving my 7/8 yr old dragging him out the water and stranded alone on the beach,he was in a coma for 4 days.He woke up...blaming me.That was 3 yrs ago.<br />
Lately,it's hard 4 me to hold on,I've been unleashing holy hell on him,I've begun to attack him,just today,reason I came 2 EP 2day, he tried to push his way through the door to find out what I'm "hiding" ,I pushed him back and he grabbed my arms and was about to hurt me from the look on his face ,so I f@cking bit him on his knuckle.lol.He let go,as I pushed him out,he grabbed me again ,I got the door closed, I was inside when I saw my sons face,I heard him screaming I was a *****,***** @6pm in my hallway, in front of bulding,I ran outside,made him fall with his bike,he's text me atleast 30 times since then.Nothing works! I got phone bills with nothing but his number and 911. <br />
At first the police use to scare him(depending on amount of alcohol consumed) but they don't do ANYTHING! Tell him to leave,he walks away,hides,waits for them to leave comes right back.He feels like he can keep doing it because they let him go.I still call once in a while but I can no longer control my outbursts.He does so many horrible things to me and I'm so mad,what can I do? Itred EVERYTHING!.Since I left my job AGAIN,3 months ago because my body just can't take it,I'm too nervous,anxious,I can't deal with people, to be honest, I feel like a kicked dog,I'm always in a constant state of being under attack,I'm in pain all the time,headaches,body sore from fighting,can't talk from screaming.I can't do this anymore.He hasn't worked for like 6/7 yrs,rarely get child support,a10 here a 20 there,100 bucks a month maybe if I'm lucky.I get next to nothing from unemployment and will drop dead b4 collecting money from welfare ,I got no problem taking food money or medicaid though,but I can't for the life of me get an acceptance letter from them,I'm always denied for some reason or another,My memory is no damn good so I can't remember the 10 thousand appointments they give you.I can't bring documents on time or just don't have money or energy there to go.Because of this ,I can't get medical help,and even if I did I could not afford the medication I would need to help me get through this.I'm f@cked up. Having noinsurance, I go from doctor to doctor with all the stories,aches,pains,sometimes I can't move,the fatigue,headaches,my stress has made me sick and I keep explaining all my 100's of piled up neglected afflictions I confuse the poor bastard so,by the time he talks to head doctor he doesn't know his *** from his elbow they bring the head docs to see me,I'm all worked up because I'm a ******* mess they end up thinking I'm looking for narcotics or something,so they tell me its all in my head,they laugh at me,hand me a presc<x>ription for motrin and send me home.I tried calling 5 different psych offices,close to me,limited funds remember, and got "not receiving new patients" I'm not crazy though,I know what my problem is,it's him. I can't get rid of him,until I move. I'm stuck in a situation with a shady landlord and I get assistance with my rent ( I'm entitled, I was a state ward and grew up in the system/group home) so i run the risk of losing my assistance,and I need that,if I just got up and left.<br />
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-breathing- lol<br />
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I can't get out of this situation...and I don't even drink. Alcohol has destroyed my entire life,from the moment of conception,to the complete mess I am now,and I DON'T EVEN DRINK!<br />
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In all fairness,I'm the one that should drink,I'm the one who has problems,it seems alcoholics "make up" problems as EXCUSES to drink,in their warped minds the lies become reality and if the excuse keeps working for them they continue to drink more and more because NO ONE can STOP them. My Ex is proud to be an alcoholic ,<br />
He'll let you know,according to him alcohol is not a "problem".He is too lost to be reached,god forbid but one day he's going to sleep and never waking up again,his liver is gonna self combust while he's lying on a park bench like the bum he is,and he doesn't care,not one bit.

Why do you drink? Is it purely habit?<br />
<br />
What do you do if you're not drunk?