I've Let Down Somebody A Lot, What Do I Do To Set Things Right?

OK this might sound petty compared to other things but it matters to me. Once again I've let down somebody I really look up to and now I don't even want to go to school tomorrow..... what do I do?

I had this recording test for orchestra on my violin and it was the most difficult one I've ever had. Unfortunately I forgot about it this weekend so I've been freaking for the last 48 hours I haven't slept in two days I haven't eaten all day and all I have done is practice practice practice and finally I milled out the worst recording I have ever made, but I got it in on time, so it was all good. Even though I felt awful about the actual recording. But then I get a failure notice 30 minutes after the deadline saying I put .com twice after my conductor's email and so it didn't send.

Which means tomorrow when I get to school he'll probably lecture me in front of the entire orchestra and for weeks I get no chair: literally last chair of the orchestra. Embarrassing and infuriating to have an entire year's worth of advancing three rows up (I'm new to the Symphonic this year so I started at the bottom) just thrown away but that's not what I'm flipping out about. That makes me sad but it's not the end of the world.

You see, I love my conductor but he's somebody I really admire and don't want to let down in ANY way. You know, the kind of enigmatic person who everybody looks up to and you are really intimidated by them and shy around them because you want to make them proud of you. I have always had the feeling he is kind of disappointed in me anyways because I really could be so much more, he once told me I have untapped talent. But I'm too busy to grow it. I wish he could see me in boxing and art class, places where I actually try.

But I thought I was being paranoid and assuming he was disappointed in me (as usual. I am really good at reading people, I am almost never wrong... but I am so self deprecating that if I think I see any disapproval it will cement itself in my mind)

Until one day, when I was thirty minutes late for class and walked in as quietly as possible but just then the orchestra happened to not be playing so everybody turned and looked at me. I was late because I had had 20 extra minutes in math class so I decided I needed to go to the counselor's office and maybe talk to someone over other big deal stuff shredding my life to pieces, including a recent death. A HUGE step for me, if you don't know me. I was so scared to ask for help but then the levee of stress just kind of broke and I ended up feeling like **** and all emotional and I ended up being there 50 minutes... major late for orchestra.

But when he asked why I was late I froze up and just said "appointment" because no way I was going to say that in front of everyone. And I tried to apologize for not getting excused from class but then he went off on one of his long lectures, an open lecture to the whole class but really aimed at me(of course not knowing the circumstances. He didn't know. He would have never done it if I had said the truth but I had panicked. And I didn't tell him after class because I....I don't know I couldn't. I would have admitted to lieing to him, and would have made him feel awful when it wasn't his fault for not knowing. I'm sure he's forgotten the incident by now).

He said how I was always late for everything, since my name starts with an L he was like don't be *My Name* Late..... you weren't like this last year... you need to be more committed..... you can't be late in life if you want to be successful... and I know he means well because he really is a great teacher and tries to teach us life lessons. But that day I was so embarrassed and was already pent up emotionally because I had managed to remain somewhat contained (on the outside) in the counselor's earlier, so I barely had a lid on crying. In public. Oh god. He must of thought I sure got torn up over a bit of criticism.

And from then on out I have never seen him the same because I knew he must think oh, it's *my name* Late again.... who's late again...... I saw how he really sees me, like the people he tells us not to be in his lectures.... and I don't think I can go to school tomorrow. I am so overreacting over this stupid test but I can't help it.

Even though I have a perfectly innocent excuse- one extra .com- he doesn't take excuses ever. I am an EXTREMELY honest person, I never cheat, lie, or plagiarize, basically ever. So I am used to people believing what I say, which is nice and something I don't take lightly. But I'm sure he probably thinks I'm lieing because I really try not to be late but sometimes things happen and I have been late before. If I had an on-time record he'd maybe give me leeway but I just have this really bad feeling in my gut and even if it's not my fault I'm ashamed to let him down. Because he's not just my teacher he's really one of the main people I look up to and listen to and I just :(

I am tired of disappointing everyone all the time..... I'm always the screw up. Something weird always has to happen to me, and is usually somehow all my fault so I can't even be mad because it's my own stupid self's fault....

I want to explain things to him but I am REALLY bad at talking and honestly I'd probably end up saying something stupid.......

I should just skip school...... I don't know........
Zan5 Zan5
Jan 22, 2013