Always Told I Wasn't Worth It
I hate asking for help because I feel like it justifies the thousands of insults and demeaning, cutting remarks my mother has made to and about me my entire life. After all, if I need help, it must be because I could not do it on my own, proving that I really can't do anything and don't know anything, which is all she ever says about me.
Oddly enough, I feel tremendously happy and eager to help anyone else, which has made me a big pushover a lot of the time, often to my detriment. I guess I'm so eager to please because I've never been able to please the only "family" I had, which was my mother (and I use the term loosely). She was a single parent (which I'm told is my fault) and I'm an only child (again, my fault).
My teen daughter is starting to show the same fear/disgust in asking for help, making me wonder if even despite working so hard to be a nurturing, supportive mother, perhaps I'm instilling a similar lack of self-esteem. I hope not.