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My Bf's Baby's Mama Is Driving Me Crazy!!

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months now, and things between us are outstanding.  He's an amazing man and an incredible father, and I truly believe that I've found my soul mate.  He and I are both 35 years old, and I don't have any children, but he has 4 boys, 3 from a previous marriage and 1 from a one night stand type of deal when he was young and reckless.  I've never dated anyone who has children before, so I'm still learning the ropes and am having trouble figuring out the best way to deal with one of his baby's mothers.  His ex wife is the mother of 3 of the boys that my BF has joint custody of, and although she causes drama of her own from time to time, I have an amicable relationship with her and she supports me being around the kids.  She has even told my BF that the boys love me, so he'd better not let me go.  I do love his boys tremendously, and it has gotten to the point that they tell me that they love me and ask me if I would be their stepmom.  It's crazy to me how naturally my relationship with them has come about, and how quickly we've all adapted to each other, and I'm totally in love with them and with the craziness that comes with having 3 boys between ages 6 and 11 around. 
  But I'm having problems dealing with the other kid's mom.  Let's call her Special K.  When my BF was in his early 20's, he loved to party, just like most of us did when we were that age.  One night, there were a lot of people partying at his house, and he got really drunk and passed out in bed.  The next day, Special K, who he was friends with but had never had any kind of romantic relationship with, called him and told him that she came into his room while he was passed out and they ended up having sex.  He said that he didn't even remember it happening because he was so wasted that night, but he didn't think too much about it.  Then, a couple of months later, she called him and told him she was pregnant.  He didn't have any other children at the time, so he freaked out a little, and told her that he wanted a paternity test.  She got mad, hung up the phone, and he found out later that she moved away.  Years later, after my BF was married and had other children, he started feeling guilty about the possibility that he had a child out there that he didn't have a relationship with.  So it took him a few years, but he finally tracked Special K down in another state.  He eventually talked her into moving back so he could have a relationship with the kid.  I thought that it sounded fishy that she allowed him to talk her into moving back, but it turns out that she was hoping that they would be together as a couple since by then he was divorced. 
  So the kid is 12 now, and my BF has only known him for a couple of years.  I still haven't met this kid, though, because Special K doesn't want me around him.  I've never even met her, so it's not that she doesn't like me.  He and I are both convinced that she still wants him and doesn't want to be around me for that reason.  He said that she used to lay on the charm really thick when he was around, but he was hoping that she would've gotten the picture by now that he didn't have any interest in being with her, and he thought that she had because she stopped being flirty and inviting him to spend the night at her place.  (He never spent the night there because he didn't want to give her the wrong idea, even though she would ask him to all of the time.)  Apparently she is still hoping that one day he'll change his mind, though.  My BF wants all of the kids to hang out together whenever possible, but she won't bring him around if I'm there.  So there have been instances when he'll have a cookout, and if she's coming, I have to stay away to keep the peace.  We went camping a month ago with the boys, and he invited her and the kid to come, but she told him that they weren't going if I was, so he was going to have to make a choice.  He told her that I was going, so it was her choice if she decided not to go, but he felt guilty about not being able to have the kid there with him.  He goes to see the kid a couple of times a week, and she always has to be there.  She won't let him take him anywhere without her, so if he takes the kid to dinner or whatever, she goes too.  He has expressed to her that he wants to have time alone with the kid so they can bond and get to know each other better, but she uses the excuse that he's her baby and she doesn't want him to be without her.  That's crap, though, because her parents had custody of the kid for over a year, so if she was so attached to him, how could she let someone else raise him for a year?  She also makes little comments like "WE get OUR 3 hours a week, so I guess you can go back to your life now."  My BF wants to spend time with the kid so badly that he is willing to put up with her and tries to honor her wishes by not bringing the kid around me yet, but it's getting to the point that something is going to have to change.  At first, I tried to be understanding because I know that introducing the kid to dad's girlfriend could be kind of weird, and maybe she wanted to make sure that I was going to stick around for a while before she introduced him to me.  But the more time that goes by, the more I'm convinced that she is NEVER going to want me around.  My BF told me last night that he wants to take all of the boys camping this weekend, but he knows that if the kid goes, she's going to want to go, too.  And of course that means that I can't be there.  I'm all for my BF and the boys going camping and having father/sons time without me, but I am not comfortable with her going and sleeping in the camper with my man.  Even though the kids being there would probably stop her from trying anything, and I trust my man completely and know that he doesn't want anything to do with her, I don't want her having that "we're together" feeling in any sense, and I think that all of them going on vacation together would give her the satisfaction of feeling that way.  I told him that if she's going, I want to go, too, because I am not comfortable with that situation, and he understands why I feel that way.  But he's conflicted because he knows that if he tells her that I feel that way, she and the kid won't go, and he won't get to take him camping like he has been wanting to for a while now.  I don't want to make things harder for him, but I don't know what else to do.  I don't want that crazy woman sleeping in the same room with my man and getting the satisfaction of knowing that she can control a situation by using that kid as leverage. 
  My BF knows that the kid is probably not even his, and in fact, he doesn't look anything like him (although I've only seen pictures).  But he has said that he doesn't care.  He's the man that Special K has been telling him is his dad, and he doesn't want that kid to grow up without a father.  He also knows that it would destroy that boy if he took a DNA test and found out that he's not his father.  He's really doing the right thing by doing whatever it takes to see the kid and have a relationship with him, but I don't know where that leaves me in the scheme of things.  I feel helpless about the whole thing, but I can't just stand by and let her control our lives that way.  If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated because I've just about exhausted all of the ideas that I've come up with.
TreadingWater TreadingWater 31-35, F 6 Responses Jun 25, 2012

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No offense but I think you are fooling yourself. I find you believe every word he says, Is not that you should not trust him is just that you need to open your eyes more. If there was nothing going on between them then why does he has to be alone with her? Plus the fact that he does not want a DNA test sounds fishy to me. If I was a man and I wanted to have a relationship with a kid that I do not know if is mine I would have gotten the DNA test. I mean isn't he curious? I know I would be. I just think you guys have not been dating that long and you shouldn't be in this mess. I think if he doesn't give you the right answers you should look for them yourself. Looking and searching will eventually bring you to the answers without asking him. Don't trust anything he says. It does sounds like he is hiding something and you need to find out what it's. Don't let yourself be blinded by this "wonderful" man. You deserve peace and respect and you are not getting either one. My hubby has 2 kids with 2 diff women and there is not way I would let him go out alone with those women. Is not that I don't trust him I just feel like he is spending time with her and not really the child. The only way you can develop a close relationship with someone is by spending time alone together. I would give you 2 logical reason from this prob: 1) She is amazing manipulating people and since he wants a relationship with his child he believes that the only way to get close to her kid is by fallowing her rules which is sucks and he should look for legal help and 2) They are together and he is trying to get you out of the pic by telling you she doesn't want you to be around her child etc... When a man has too many excuses is because he is doing something bad. But knowing you which I don't I will say you prefer the 1st reason. If I was you I will get out of that mess. If you guys were married and had kids together than yeah I can understand why your still with his drama but your holding on to NOTHING!

sorry to sound mean, but why the hell do you need advice. you haven't even been with your bf for a year and yet you have to deal with all of this drama. its not worth it. the baby momma already controls him by stopping you from being around. your bf is probably sleeping with her, because it makes no sense that he would allow her to do this. dont be a fool girl. it makes no sense that he doesn't want to take a dna test, the kid hasn't even been around him long enough to develop a relationship. also if he has joint custody of his other kids, why don't he just get joint custody for this kid also to cut out all the foolishness of her having to be around. you not been around when they have family trips is setting a wrong example for the children. the kids will the the idea that they, him, and her ( not you ) are a family. looks like no future for you and him. there is nothing you can do but talk to him about how you feel, he is the only one who can fix this problem. his willingness to fix the problem will determined how much he cares about yall future together if there is even one.

Thanks, Kitty!

well your far too kind and i wish i was you in many ways , but lets be real what women whats thier man anywhere close theyre ex especially in the same room i think its time to put ur foot down it seems that you and ur man have a good relationship . He needs to talk to her let her know that from now on your gona be around hes son and that ur the woman hes planning to spend the rest of hes life with and if she doesnt like it then she gona have to learn to because the only one affected in the will be the child , i had the same problem for abt a year until these woman start to get the picture you aint going anywhere and also has to do with they moving on and geting into new relationship they dont hav to put all that negative energy into your relationship , hopefully works out for the best

Thanks so much for the advice, Maneater! I loved your response to your husband's BM's lie. :) You're right, I know that I should put my foot down and let him know that I'm not going to stand for it anymore. I did have a discussion with him about it, and he knows how I feel. I guess I've just been kind of waiting to see how this whole camping this weekend thing plays out. Now that I've expressed to him that I'm uncomfortable with the situation, I want to see if he is going to lay down the law with her or just let her go camping anyway, regardless of how I've told him I feel about it. That will let me know how much he respects my opinion and my feelings.

I think you are being way to nice. I completely understood everything you said, but from the tone of your voice you sound like a push over (no disrespect). My advice is set some boundaries and make sure they don't get crossed. As you can see crazy BM does and she makes damn sure nobody crosses her boundaries, not even alleged BD. Because he may not even be the real father. Don't over study things. What I'm trying to say is take it for what is. If your BF has such a big heart to even father a child that may not be his then his heart should be twice as big to not disrespect his GF that he loves dearly as in YOU! And as for the intentions of the BM, follow your gut instinct. The ***** is trying to take your man! Because if she was a concerned mother & knew for a fact that your BF is her baby daddy then she would have no problem taking a paternity test to prove it. So don't even think about showing any sympathy for her, & make sure your BF doesn't either. Men are smart but not smarter then women. Your BF sounds like he has a good heart & naturally is sympathetic towards her but is unknowingly disrespecting you by being to accommodating to her. It's like you know the answer to your question, because deep down in your gut you know the game he or she is trying to play. If I were you, I would advice your BF to take her to court to get established paternity and to get access and visitation rights. That is being a good father & at the same time he doesn't accommodate the ***** and is still respecting you. If she puts up a fight, then its obvious he is not the father because she knows it and in reality she is the bad parent for not seeking out the real father, and tell your BF to stop wasting his time on them. If he replies with "I still wan't to be a father to this child even if its not mine" then reply with, "well while you are still in the picture the kid is loosing his chance at finding his real father & you are deceiving the child by allowing him to think you are the real father when your not". Thats how I would advice him. But as far as you setting boundaries, tell your BF what you will and will not put up with and mean it. If you keep playing the nice guy that crazy BM will use it to her advantage and play you out like a fool. It almost happened to me.<br />
When i was just engaged to my husband his BM tried the same thing on me. I was being the nice guy/bigger person, I kept my mouth shut, never said a word to his BM while she was pregnant. Allowed my fiancé to go to every one of her doctor visits, baby shower, go around town finding a good daycare, and I also allowed her to call him at all hours of the night "just because she was lonely & needed someone to talk to". When their son was born I let him go to the birth, let him stay at the hospital most of the time. I even went as far as to let him stay the night at her house to help out with their newborn. Until one day I finally exploded & knocked that ***** off the high pedestal everybody had put her on. (not literally) While my fiancé & I were spending some quality time together she texted him "my mom & brother went out of town for a couple of days, why don't you come spend the night with me". Thats when I exploded & called her up & told her that she lost all her privileges with my fiancé. I told her that he is no longer spending the night, and that she can only call him for emergencies that only have to do with their son. I told her that she doesn't control my man, I do! Then I told my fiancé that I'm all for him being a good father & that I will never make him choose between me or his son. But I will not sit here and allow my self to be disrespected like that. I told that I'm not ok with him spending the night anymore and that if he was to see his son I am either going with him or she can come drop him off, & if he didn't respect my wishes then we were done. So of course out of spite she puts him on child support because he chose to not spend the night at her house anymore. But we at least got our visitations with his son that are out of her control. She also went as far as to lie to me by telling me that she sucked his **** one of the nights he was there. But to her surprise I didn't let it get to me, I replied with "oh you sucked his **** huh, well how did my ***** taste" LOL she hates me till this day! <br />
Point is my husband is a good man & was trying to be the best possible father to his son, but our relationship would not have survived because the baby mamma was playing games & we almost let her destroy our relationship. But luckily I put my foot down & saved our relationship all while allowing my husband to still be a good father & not having to choose between me and them(meaning BM & son). Instead we put our heads together teamed up & kicked BM out the picture & till this day me & my husband are playing a big part in raising his son who is now 1.5 yrs old.

love you maneater!!