My Bf's Baby's Mama Is Driving Me Crazy!!I have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months now, and things between us are outstanding. He's an amazing man and an incredible father, and I truly believe that I've found my soul mate. He and I are both 35 years old, and I don't have any children, but he has 4 boys, 3 from a previous marriage and 1 from a one night stand type of deal when he was young and reckless. I've never dated anyone who has children before, so I'm still learning the ropes and am having trouble figuring out the best way to deal with one of his baby's mothers. His ex wife is the mother of 3 of the boys that my BF has joint custody of, and although she causes drama of her own from time to time, I have an amicable relationship with her and she supports me being around the kids. She has even told my BF that the boys love me, so he'd better not let me go. I do love his boys tremendously, and it has gotten to the point that they tell me that they love me and ask me if I would be their stepmom. It's crazy to me how naturally my relationship with them has come about, and how quickly we've all adapted to each other, and I'm totally in love with them and with the craziness that comes with having 3 boys between ages 6 and 11 around.
But I'm having problems dealing with the other kid's mom. Let's call her Special K. When my BF was in his early 20's, he loved to party, just like most of us did when we were that age. One night, there were a lot of people partying at his house, and he got really drunk and passed out in bed. The next day, Special K, who he was friends with but had never had any kind of romantic relationship with, called him and told him that she came into his room while he was passed out and they ended up having sex. He said that he didn't even remember it happening because he was so wasted that night, but he didn't think too much about it. Then, a couple of months later, she called him and told him she was pregnant. He didn't have any other children at the time, so he freaked out a little, and told her that he wanted a paternity test. She got mad, hung up the phone, and he found out later that she moved away. Years later, after my BF was married and had other children, he started feeling guilty about the possibility that he had a child out there that he didn't have a relationship with. So it took him a few years, but he finally tracked Special K down in another state. He eventually talked her into moving back so he could have a relationship with the kid. I thought that it sounded fishy that she allowed him to talk her into moving back, but it turns out that she was hoping that they would be together as a couple since by then he was divorced.
So the kid is 12 now, and my BF has only known him for a couple of years. I still haven't met this kid, though, because Special K doesn't want me around him. I've never even met her, so it's not that she doesn't like me. He and I are both convinced that she still wants him and doesn't want to be around me for that reason. He said that she used to lay on the charm really thick when he was around, but he was hoping that she would've gotten the picture by now that he didn't have any interest in being with her, and he thought that she had because she stopped being flirty and inviting him to spend the night at her place. (He never spent the night there because he didn't want to give her the wrong idea, even though she would ask him to all of the time.) Apparently she is still hoping that one day he'll change his mind, though. My BF wants all of the kids to hang out together whenever possible, but she won't bring him around if I'm there. So there have been instances when he'll have a cookout, and if she's coming, I have to stay away to keep the peace. We went camping a month ago with the boys, and he invited her and the kid to come, but she told him that they weren't going if I was, so he was going to have to make a choice. He told her that I was going, so it was her choice if she decided not to go, but he felt guilty about not being able to have the kid there with him. He goes to see the kid a couple of times a week, and she always has to be there. She won't let him take him anywhere without her, so if he takes the kid to dinner or whatever, she goes too. He has expressed to her that he wants to have time alone with the kid so they can bond and get to know each other better, but she uses the excuse that he's her baby and she doesn't want him to be without her. That's crap, though, because her parents had custody of the kid for over a year, so if she was so attached to him, how could she let someone else raise him for a year? She also makes little comments like "WE get OUR 3 hours a week, so I guess you can go back to your life now." My BF wants to spend time with the kid so badly that he is willing to put up with her and tries to honor her wishes by not bringing the kid around me yet, but it's getting to the point that something is going to have to change. At first, I tried to be understanding because I know that introducing the kid to dad's girlfriend could be kind of weird, and maybe she wanted to make sure that I was going to stick around for a while before she introduced him to me. But the more time that goes by, the more I'm convinced that she is NEVER going to want me around. My BF told me last night that he wants to take all of the boys camping this weekend, but he knows that if the kid goes, she's going to want to go, too. And of course that means that I can't be there. I'm all for my BF and the boys going camping and having father/sons time without me, but I am not comfortable with her going and sleeping in the camper with my man. Even though the kids being there would probably stop her from trying anything, and I trust my man completely and know that he doesn't want anything to do with her, I don't want her having that "we're together" feeling in any sense, and I think that all of them going on vacation together would give her the satisfaction of feeling that way. I told him that if she's going, I want to go, too, because I am not comfortable with that situation, and he understands why I feel that way. But he's conflicted because he knows that if he tells her that I feel that way, she and the kid won't go, and he won't get to take him camping like he has been wanting to for a while now. I don't want to make things harder for him, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want that crazy woman sleeping in the same room with my man and getting the satisfaction of knowing that she can control a situation by using that kid as leverage.
My BF knows that the kid is probably not even his, and in fact, he doesn't look anything like him (although I've only seen pictures). But he has said that he doesn't care. He's the man that Special K has been telling him is his dad, and he doesn't want that kid to grow up without a father. He also knows that it would destroy that boy if he took a DNA test and found out that he's not his father. He's really doing the right thing by doing whatever it takes to see the kid and have a relationship with him, but I don't know where that leaves me in the scheme of things. I feel helpless about the whole thing, but I can't just stand by and let her control our lives that way. If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated because I've just about exhausted all of the ideas that I've come up with.
TreadingWater 31-35, F 6 Responses 0 Jun 25, 2012