Ridding Yourself Of Drama Between You And The Birth Mother.This is a subject that I have had a lot of frustrations with in the past. For quite some time now I have had a very strong urge to give advice to those in similar situations.
Though not every case is the same, there are specific matters in which all of us (step mothers and new girlfriends) have had to endure due to a birth mothers bitterness/jealous toward our relationship with the biological father. Some women are more lucky than others, they will have no issues from the birth mother and their relationship with the biological father will not be compromised as such, but then there are cases in which the birth mother will deliberately causes issues making it very difficult for a new girlfriend/step-mother to feel welcomed into the biological fathers life, or the life of the fathers child/children.
My story is for new girlfriends/step-mothers that have had to endure the latter.
Rules to abide by to maintain a healthy relationship between you and the biological father.
* My first rule of thumb would be to detach yourself from the birth mother at all costs. If she engages you (for whatever reason) make it apparent to the biological father that you will not tolerate her contacting you. This, of course, is meant for women such as myself that have had to deal with a birth mother being negative toward her.
* Discuss a time that the birth mother should not contact biological father. If you and the biological father are living together and have, in the past, dealt with the birth mother calling at unreasonable hours, this will help maintain strict rules that she and the biological father will have to adhere to. It is not uncommon for the birth mother to refuse this wish, and if such is the case, be prepared for her to refuse many more requests asked by the biological father.
* Try to advise the biological father to keep communication to text messages or email. This will eliminate time for the birth mother to be malicious or manipulative toward the biological father, thus relieving you a great deal of stress. If you are anything like me, you will want to know the ins and outs of the conversation dynamics, thus making it much easier for you and the biological father to maintain a sense of trust concerning the relationship he has with said birth mother. If your relationship is still fresh, be aware that the biological father may not know how to share these conversations with you, he may feel that you are not yet entitled to them. Be patient, the biological father will want to share these things with you eventually if necessary.
* Do not engage in arguments between the birth mother and biological father. If they are having a dispute and biological father asks for your advice, try to be as open minded as possible. Try and see things from the birth mother's perspective, be respectful in your opinions. You do not want to encourage unnecessary animosity between birth mother and biological father.
* Do not hesitate to hire a lawyer if necessary. When things are no longer positive and birth mother is consistently negative/unreasonable in her demands, be diligent in helping the biological father work through this process. Legal business is never easy, so the biological father will need support as well as your understanding.
Maintaining safety when engaging the birth mother.
* If, for whatever reason, you must maintain a healthy relationship with the birth mother, but are fearful she might try and hurt or manipulate you, be prepared to take action. If you, at any, point felt that the birth mother has tried to hurt you, emotionally or otherwise, have your guard up. It is highly important for you to realize that when dealing with a person such as this, their emotions can override their logical state of thinking. The probability of them doing so again is severely high. For this reason I encourage you to:
1. Write out events in which you encountered negativity with the birth mother.
2. Save all emails & text messages; if you are ever in need to prove something in court, these will be extremely important when producing proof in a court of law.
3. Be CAREFUL what you say to the birth mother; she will undoubtedly be taking these same steps in case she is taken to court. I understand how easy it is to feel entitled to your opinion, to feel justified in defending yourself, and most of all, making it clear to the birth mother that she has no right to say/do the things she has to hurt you. When an individual decides to be hurtful or malicious, it can definitely strike a cord, but you must remain resilient to her attempts get a reaction out of you.
4. In addition to minding what you say verbally as well as though email/text, be aware that using public websites such as EP gives a birth mother easy access to your personal thoughts and feelings toward this subject and can make it easy for her to use your words against you in a court of law, if ever it comes to that.
* If the biological father has not obtained custody and visitation rights, urge him to do so right away to avoid the birth mothers ability to deny his access to his child. Same goes for the girlfriend/step-mother if the birth mother tries to deny you access as well.
* Urge the biological father to go through child support services and not a written agreement with the birth mother in obtaining a set amount of child care support. If she has been malicious in the past, she will try to manipulate the amount of child support deserved in her favor. This issue will be eliminated if biological father goes through child support services.
Be confident in your taking action
If you ever wonder "when will this end," "why is she doing this," or "what do I have to do to end the drama" these are the steps I have used to eliminate issues between myself and the birth mother. The biological father and I are perfectly content with our situation. I have recently become extremely proud of overcoming this issue. I,at one point, feared that the issues would never end, that the birth mother would continue to use malicious behavior to hurt me, or manipulate my husband, it became apparent that something had to be done.
No girlfriend/step-mother should ever have to endure negative behavior because of the jealousy a birth mother may feel. It is purely uncalled for and unreasonable, so do not let yourself be submitted to it if you can avoid it, and you can.
Believe me, every single one of these stories rings a bell in my past dealings with the birth mother. You can eliminate the stress if you just take the steps. The important thing is building a bond between the biological father and his child, end of story. The birth mother should never make you compromise that.
A Refined State of Mind
RefinedStateOfMind 22-25, F 7 Dec 11, 2012