The Ugliest People I Have Ever Met

To me, my mother feels like the ugliest person I have ever met. I know I sound harsh, but that is how I feel about her. She sucks the life out of me. Because of her, I just don't enjoy my life anymore. She is like the center of it. Every little thing about my life is about her. I don't want to hate her, but I feel like I already do. It feels like she doesn't care a bit about me though she claims otherwise. She is just too much. I feel like she is going to be the death of me. She drives me totally nuts. Being around her feels so exhausting. Unfortunately, at the moment, I am still trying to get my life back on track. I am still dependent on my parents. The truth is I am planning to run away from home and never come back (as soon as I finish college). I am going to hide from her (and the rest of the family: my aunts, uncles, and cousins). They are just hell materialized. I just don't want to see them ever again. I feel like cutting them off of my life when the time comes. (PS: I suspect my mother has Bipolar Disorder. . . but what about me? Am I just going to tolerate her for the rest of my life? Her lashing out at me?)

I just feel so sick and tired of my life. . . sick and tired of everything and everyone. . . that I feel like committing suicide sooner or later. I feel so trapped. I don't remember being truly happy around my family - ever. I feel like I should always watch what I will say and do. It is nuts. When I was young, I used to put them on pedestals, but now they appear a bunch of hypocrites and frauds. These days I just found them disgusting.

I feel guilty saying bad stuff about them, but I just can't take it anymore. I feel so disillusioned. What should I do? :(
justbrit justbrit
18-21
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

The best thing for me-- not sure if it's the best thing for you with your family, but it was my method of escape-- was to live on campus during college, and live away from my parents when school was out. I still visited, but I didn't constantly have to face their 'drama'.

As trapped as you feel, you are very close to freedom. Most colleges have departments with counselors for everything from financial aid to personal counseling. Since my family was willing to support me through college, I lived on campus under the pretense that traveling the 30 miles from home to campus every day would be too exhausting and waste my study time (I was very meek, so I did not cut them off right away as I had wanted to, but the distance gave me much-needed peace). If you contact the college counselor office, they can help you to find somewhere peaceful to live, and even a way to finance your schooling, with or without your family's support. I wish you the very best!