I Hate Being A Lesbian But I Can't Stop MyselfMy sex life; my love life; my social life; it's all simple. I've recently come to the conclusion that I hate being lesbian.
I'm a small town girl who first realised she was gay when she was 15, and then she didn't come out till she was 17. I moved to a city in hopes of finding someone (anyone) who could help make me feel like I belonged in some way since I'd always felt like an outcast.
I guess I was stereotypical in my views of what lesbians should be; my life was also black and white and that is just how I have always viewed the world so when I actually went into a gay community my idea was: butch and femme, with a few shades of grey, but opposites would also attract because that is the world that I knew.
Now, I'm a femme. I like my hair straightener, my make-up, my heels, my dresses and things that sparkle. I dream of getting married, adopting children and being part of the normal working world and all the while still being lesbian but now I'm wishing that I was lesbian at all and that all that I want and all that I am would make more sense to those around me.
The gay community I'm in is mostly butch lesbians or androgynous and the thing is they either make the assumption that I'm not gay, tease me for my feminity or just outright disregard me completely. They all expect me to turn out bisexual or straight and to marry some guy and to be truthful, right now that is seeming a better option than staying the way I am.
But no matter how hard I try I can't change who I am. I'm a lesbian, I'm a femme and I now hate every inch of it.
I've fought for more and I've fought for less but this is something I should have to fight for and if this is all women really have to offer then I can't see the point why anyone would want or enjoy being lesbian.