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I Hate Being A Lesbian But I Can't Stop Myself

My sex life; my love life; my social life; it's all simple. I've recently come to the conclusion that I hate being lesbian.
I'm a small town girl who first realised she was gay when she was 15, and then she didn't come out till she was 17. I moved to a city in hopes of finding someone (anyone) who could help make me feel like I belonged in some way since I'd always felt like an outcast.
I guess I was stereotypical in my views of what lesbians should be; my life was also black and white and that is just how I have always viewed the world so when I actually went into a gay community my idea was: butch and femme, with a few shades of grey, but opposites would also attract because that is the world that I knew.
Now, I'm a femme. I like my hair straightener, my make-up, my heels, my dresses and things that sparkle. I dream of getting married, adopting children and being part of the normal working world and all the while still being lesbian but now I'm wishing that I was lesbian at all and that all that I want and all that I am would make more sense to those around me.
The gay community I'm in is mostly butch lesbians or androgynous and the thing is they either make the assumption that I'm not gay, tease me for my feminity or just outright disregard me completely. They all expect me to turn out bisexual or straight and to marry some guy and to be truthful, right now that is seeming a better option than staying the way I am.
But no matter how hard I try I can't change who I am. I'm a lesbian, I'm a femme and I now hate every inch of it.
I've fought for more and I've fought for less but this is something I should have to fight for and if this is all women really have to offer then I can't see the point why anyone would want or enjoy being lesbian.
Callalaylah Callalaylah 18-21 31 Responses Mar 28, 2011

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I hate being a bisexual!!! I do like boys but i don't believe them! to me they suck!! but i do like a girl! she's pretty!!! but now i started to hate myself!!! AHhhhhh!! god!! the only thing i can do now is praying to god!!

you sound very confused and all the second thoughts your having are completely normal homosexuality weather your religious or not it was never part of gods plain, just hold out for that special man he will come. hey, he could be right around the Conner. i will pray for you good luck and have a nice day.

Ask Jesus for help to change. He does free and forgive all of us. He helped me be **** free after 30 yrs

Sorry you feel that way. The world is much bigger than that. Hope you've had a chance to see it by now. If not, you will

Maybe you forcing yourself to be a lesbian, maybe you just too shy to be with a man. I think this is right equation M+W=C

You're an idiot

It really would be easier wouldn't it? I contemplate it, and I fool myself into thinking it's easier so i find a guy whose like the best guy ever, date him and then end up hating him, because even though he's a best friend,I can never really connect. And then even it deteriorates and it does, it's even more depressing because everyone wants to find true love I think we are just going to have to wait longer.stay strong!

I have lived a lesbian life , feminine and enjoy being and feeling like a woman. I knew since age 6 and was attracted to feminine types that live normal lives. I am beginning to believe there is something wrong with current "gay culture" it's been the same for over 30 years, the annual picnic, the parade with the pink limousines ,insulting Queer studies at colleges and even gays turning on each other and doing to Transgendered what they claim straights to to them. The relationships don't seem to last and even in celebrity land, Ellen, Melissa and others and I really highly doubt that country singer Wright even with babies won't make a woman stay with you if things go down hill through out the years. It takes a extraordinary couple to make a life long work. Most don't last , woman hang out and meet at bars and churches are not for me. I had girlfriends I treated lovingly and warmly and they turn out to be worse then the way men treat me. This life the celebrities portray to regular people struggling with college, jobs etc don't know what gay life is really life because they are rich. They break up and then go find another. I find it disgusting and I hate being gay as for the very thing I thought I'd find a sensitive loving warm woman I never did. It was always clicky, role playing. lots of bar and drinking and woman smoking not even thinking of their health and bodies but it seems co dependency exists big time. It's not the best life and I met many woman in my life and I'm still young enough to get out and I really have about 7 years ago. It's not a healthy happy life. It's a life full of confrontational feminist who have fem- butch suppers. I throw up. I won't allow lesbian life to take away my inherent femininity that I enjoy. I never did get the pretty woman wanting to act, dress , buzz hair cuts and look like men. I'd rather be with a man if that is all there is. Culture Gay needs to grow up. The stupid annual parades and picnics and celebrities cheat like Anderson Cooper's hunky guy and he still takes him back. The cheating runs rampant .

I hate being a lesbian as well. Mostly because I was taught to ignore the feelings I've always had for women. I was taught to repress that part of me but it comes out.

I dress in jeans and tees most of the time. I don't look like an out and out dyke but drawing that conclusion wouldn't be hard. While I can empathize with your situation it's also rough being on the other end of it. Where women won't chat you up because your not girly enough.

I wear these clothes cuz it's how I'm most comfortable; not because I want to be a man.

I'm into women it's something I can't change. I've never been involved with a woman and that won't likely ever change, but the hatred I have for myself coupled with society and all it's issues makes me totally agree with your initial statement.

Ayye

I completely understand. I'm the same. I'm a very girlie girl with long hair who can't live without her curlers. I work full time as a catwalk model and therefore I love fashion and feminine styles. And no one believes I'm gay. I was with my ex girlfriend for over a year. I have actually just had an argument with my mum cos she told me to stop pretending, if my own mother won't believe me well...is there no hope. its hard because I don't believe my sexual orientation should have anything to do with how I dress, but when im out I have the same problem as you, people think I'm bi or straight. Trust me u are not alone, and its nice to realise I'm not either.<br />
At the end of the day, when you do meet someone none of that will matter! You are who you are (and I'm still on the road to acceptance too) and unfortunately you can't change it. You have to embrace it. Yes its a more difficult path occasionally, but it is worth it to be happy. There is someone out there it will happen when u least expect it. And who wants to meet their partner in a bar/club anyway. I do find that there is discrimination in the gay world, but unfortunately there is descrimination everywhere. It's about not judging yourself and just being you. I persnally am attracted to girls who look like girls, we are all individual. Don't stress. You are you. And your great! Just believe it.<br />
Xxxxxxxc

I think you really hit the nail on the head. Being a lesbian should not prevent anyone from being feminine. What you prefer is what you prefer, period!

Where do you live we should hook up I'll make you happy to be a lesbian... Just saying.

Lesbianism is contrary to the set things of humanity. Its never a part of plan for any one be a gay or lesbian... the friend who posted the message saying she is a lesbian and that it is genetic should refuse and not impose that on her personality. i don't know you any where but from your story i have an idea that you dont wanna be what you are practicing as at now. <br />
Listen friend, there is always a way out ok. Dont accept that you are a lesbian. you cannot be and you are not. i believe you are not. lets be realitic here ok. the very moment you make up your mind that you aint gonna practice it again, i assure its a step to stopping it. change your friends especially those who practice it with you and go to friends who can help you out. <br />
Again move away from stuffs that ignites your mind to it. gradually you will out of this trauma. Dear, i believe in you that you can. just make up your mind and try ok.<br />
<br />
I believe you are a christian. seek the face of God in this and make sure you read the Bible regularly. it will help you immensely ok. pray over your life and ask God to change you and i tell you, you will see the change you've been waiting for.<br />
<br />
God be with you in this Quest

I'm a femm lesbian and too have been out since 15. At first I was not excepted and teased for wearing dresses and having long hair etc. However I decided I wasn't going to change for no one and keep hanging on to my dream of getting married and having children with another woman. I am now 32 and yes my dreams have come true, I have a wonderful partner of 13 years and 2 handsome sons, 7 years and 3 months by DI. My life isn't perfect and we still face challenges but do so as a loving family, breaking down barriers as we go. Hang in there and take each day as it comes. Be yourself and try to remain positive. You never know when you will meet that special someone and the battles you face will no longer be on your own but together and believe me it will be all worth it. Best wishes x

I agree as a woman who is female and loves to be treated like a lady when all you find is other lesbians that treat you like you have something wrong with you. What is wrong with liking feeling pretty, female, feminine, sexy. I am a lesbian woman and have known that since I was nine that i I am a lesbian and nothing will change it, no one takes you seriously when you just want to be who you are. Around other lesbians you are laughed at and made fun of until you feel ashamed and around straight women they are surprised you want to feel pretty or sexy or they think you are trying to pretend you are something you are not. Just be your self it is o.k to feel pretty, feminine, sexy and a lesbian

I agree as a woman who is female and loves to be treated like a lady when all you find is other lesbians that treat you like you have something wrong with you. What is wrong with liking feeling pretty, female, feminine, sexy. I am a lesbian woman and have known that since I was nine that i I am a lesbian and nothing will change it, no one takes you seriously when you just want to be who you are. Around other lesbians you are laughed at and made fun of until you feel ashamed and around straight women they are surprised you want to feel pretty or sexy or they think you are trying to pretend you are something you are not. Just be your self it is o.k to feel pretty, feminine, sexy and a lesbian

i kno i did some thing was wrong n i do ask the lord for giviness. n for some other who lives n that lives please ask the lord for giviness for ya sin

since there r so much gays n lesbian they r the most ppl that would b getting aids or hiv

I understand you 100% dear. Forget about the comments, they just dont get it. I do. Being a feminine lesbian is hard, i know what you talk about, trust me.

I wrote a long response, but deleted it. Upon further reflection it is unlikely it would be read since it comes from one who has, “genitalia quite repulsive. (March 28, 2011)”

hit me up! im a fem lesbian and i feel somewhat the same way hah

its sad that at a gay community there is freaking discrimination. I used to hate my self so much! I am a femme as well, aaaaaaaand I love girls (sorry guys!). And when i actually decided to wholy accept the truth, thats when i was happy of being a lesbian. I guess you haven't fallen in love w/ a girl that turns your world upside down and makes you happy.....<br />
Dont worry, i was as well disgusted of who i am, but now, i am realllllly happy. Men are just....well, attractive yes, but not my type at all! <br />
No worries, step by step you will find the right way :D

its sad that at a gay community there is freaking discrimination.

really? like how?

Just be u, and ditch anyone and everyone who won't accept and embrace u.

I totally feel your pain. I'm a 37 year old woman, my social world is entirely heterosexual and while they all accept my being gay... it's not so great for romance. I want a partner with whom I have things in common other than being gay!

You sound very frustrated - and rightly so.<br />
<br />
People are people the world over. <br />
<br />
There will always be some prejudice, jealousy, pettiness etc within any group of people.<br />
<br />
Hold out to find someone who accepts you as you are. It's sometimes hard to have confidence in the future at your age, but from where I see things, in time you'll find compatible people if you circulate and expand your circle - look in other places for gay partners. The sort of people who are like you are probably not likely to hang around with people like those you describe. (if that makes sense?)<br />
<br />
You seem to be a sensitive, intelligent outgoing woman - very attractive qualities. It can be easy to doubt our value when those around us put us down or don't understand. You may be better off not being around those who put you down.<br />
<br />
Good hunting!

I'm right there with you love. If I had ever had a choice I wouldn't have chosen this for myself.

woops! Sorry. I beg pardon

Oh my god, stop trying to put logical reason on why someone would be lesbian. It's genetic, it is a part of who I am and I know that I am lesbian! and also the first sentence of the previous comment is meant to be "I am not too shy or feel insecured."

any traumatic/embarassing situation ? And looks like u r pretty confused.

I am too shy or feel insecured. I am comfortable with who I am and I am very active socially. I am naturally attracted to women. I could date a man if that is what I desired as I have had offers before but it is the fact that I am not attracted to males at all and I find their genitalia quite repulsive.

I think you are too shy or feel insecured. That's why you have turned to girls.