The Misery Of Step Children

Six years ago I met a wonderful wonderful man on the internet.  He was in the military and station in Iraq.  We chatted online and off line for about 6 months before we had a chance to meet in person.  I fell in love....That's the happy story, everything since then has been a nightmare...

See, my wonderful wonderful man was legally separated from his wife of 12 years.  They had a 12 year old daughter together and he had sent her back home.  At the time he sent her home he was stationed in Germany.  They had been separated for a year and he was brutally honest about his situation.  He was in the process of a divorce and he said he understood when I told him that I didn't want to proceed with a relationship until his situation was cleared up.  We continued to talk and proceeded with a relationship anyway.

His ex-wife did not want a divorce.  The divorce was his choice because he found out that she had gambled away $80,000 dollars in a span of 3 years.  She was writing bad checks all over town and lying to him about it.  He tried to get her help but she wouldn't go.  So he left.  Who wouldn't?  Well, after another 6 months and her refusing to turn in paperwork and proceed with the divorce she found out about me and began calling my house AND having her 12 year old daughter call my house 'looking' for her daddy, who they knew was in Germany and no where near me.

After all was said and done and the divorce was final, I studpidly married him.  Knowing how evil and caniving his ex was, I married him.  I was and still am crazy in love with him.  But the situdation with his daughter and his ex is getting increasingly unbearable.

My husband (via me) faithfully paid child support every month and remained in contact with his daughter.  His daughter would come to visit us during summers but they time was always tense, to the point that in 2007 I told my husband that he would need to visit with his daughter away from me, so they stayed at his sister's house for a month for their visit that year.  I have a young son of my own from a previous relationship and I was getting tired of her abusing my son.  She would shove him into racks when we would go to the store.  She even went so far as to tell him that my husband was not his real father and no to call him dad.  My son only knows my husband as his father, so this was particularly hurtful for a 13 year old to do to a 4 year old.  Enough was enough.

Fast my step-daughter, age 18, has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which is typically brought on by 3 things....sexual abuse, childhood neglect or childhood abandonment.  She has attempted suicide several times and her mother blames my husband for leaving them.  Turns out that his ex has a son from a previous relationship who is currently 26, HE SEXUALLY MOLESTED THEIR DAUGHTER WHEN SHE WAS 5!  The kicker in all of this is that his ex is attempting to keep child support going past 18 because she claims that their daughter is 'disabled' with this Boderline Personality Disorder and can't care for herself or maintain employment.  She allowed the child to drop out of school before she turned 18 so when she turned 18 the state stopped child support, but this wench had her diagnosed as disabled before she turned 18, gets SSI for the girl and the state law says that if a child is determined to be disabled before the age of 18 child support can continue indefinately.

We are now waiting to go to court.  This chick quit her job AND receives 40% of my husband's military retirement.  She was collecting SSI which is significant AND child support at the same time, AND SHE IS STILL GAMBLING!  Plus she has applied for SSI herself.  My husband does not really seem to be upset.  I've been called names, I've been harrassed and I've tried to do the right thing as much as I can.  The last summer that my step daughter spent with us she told my husband that her mother says that he is a worthless son of a ***** and that she hated him because he married me and won't go back to her mother.    I can't take anymore...And I never thought I'd say this but I want a divorce just to remove myself from this. 

I'm not sure where to go from here, but I'm thinking its back to counseling for me...I love my husband, but I don't think he'll ever be able to separate himself from that woman particularly because he can never separate himself from his daughter....and I would never ask him to... I'm glad I got this out of my system...

wisegurl wisegurl
31-35, F
3 Responses Apr 29, 2010

Whew! I found my new club!<br />
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Been there, done that, all of it. I sent my mother an email message a month before our 6th wedding anniversary to say, I am done, I am seeking a divorce. She refused to let me lose my husband because she thinks he's good for me. But his children she hates as much as I do.<br />
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I have sacrificed everything for them and they have done nothing but **** on me and say hateful things to my face and behind my back.<br />
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When we went to court, I had to do all the paperwork. I did EVERYTHING to get custody of both of the ungrateful brats. He would have some conversations with the attorney but I did most of everything. Then if I said something incorrectly my husband would get upset with me. Then you take care of it, I am done. But he wouldn't so in order to save those girls I did it.<br />
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What a mistake. Every penny is gone in stuff for them, attorney costs, more stuff for them (because he feels guilty) and providing them a good home with home cooked meals every day. The one daughter takes every chance she can to tell me and everyone how all these other people make what I cook so much better. So go eat there then brat. This summer I had enough and didn't cook all summer. Don't like my cooking, guess what, I am not doing it for you. And I didn't.<br />
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Tired and exhausted. I don't know what else to do. I love my husband and when they are not around he is the man I fell in love with. We have a great time together and he feels the same as I do about his kids. So sometimes I feel I can't leave him in that situation by himself. But he helped create the monsters so....<br />
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Tired and broke, thanks for listening, off to try and make some money to for the latest summer expenses of the kids.

I'm so sorry for what u've gone through... for all these yrs!<br />
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I can identify with a lot of what ur saying. U love ur husband but everyone has their limit. The money being taken away from ur family, the step child making hurtful comments, ur husband being a pushover, not seeing an end in sight. I've been there. I cn't tell u what u should do. But I know I'm HANGING in there. At least THANK GOD ur hubby is going to court so he's willing to fight. My husband doesn't seem to have that kind of backbone.<br />
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Good luck. I hope the courts realise what's really going on with ur step daughter's sudden diagnosis.

I so feel for you. I am a step father, not once but twice, meaning I am married a second time and both my ex wife and current wife have children from previous relationships. I thought I had learned from my first experience but alas I had not. I had done everything in my power to give these kids everything they ever needed as their natural ***** donors were worthless. Well, now the step kids have disowned my and my wife and the dad is taking us to court for child support. I am just giving you the very first la<x>yer, but to me it seems so unfair that people who try to do the right thing are the ones who in the end get screwed. I have never felt so used and abused in my whole life. <br />
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I dont want to make this along comment, but I want you to know you are not alone in your struggles, and yes this type of struggle sucks, there is no real polite way to say it. My only advice to you is to do what you need to do to preserve your own sanity. Remember life is a journey that is filled with experiences. Some of them good some of them bad. The point is that you learn from these experiences and not to let them beat you down, but use them to become a stronger person.<br />
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I wish you nothing but the best, and I truly hope that this situation will die down over time and go away.