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Sick And Tired Of Being The Second Wife... Bitter, Depressed & Lonely

It's late and I'm sitting here after a few glasses of wine, I'm frustrated as usual, and came across this site and felt that I need to vent, too. After all, I don't have anyone else to vent to about how much I hate being the second wife and a stepmom, really. We've been married for over 2 years now, we've been dating for over 2 years before getting married. He's in the Army and at the time we were dating he was stationed in Germany (where we met). He had a son who is 6 now and was going through a divorce (and got pretty much screwed, as far as child support/ other costs/ visitation goes). I was young at the time (I'm 23 now), independent, happy and enjoying life. Our relationship sort of "just happened". We didn't plan on getting serious but somehow we fell in love and decided to get married before he got orders to return to the states. For some reason him having a son and ex-wife didn't really bother me although I had to deal with her drama and him feeling ****** during and after the divorce but according to him "things would get better when we're back in the states" anyway, and I believed it (Stupid me!). I should've known better. We went to Colorado for Christmas before we got married to visit his family and his son. Those 2 weeks probably were the worst of my life...! Not only did I have to deal with his ex keeping his son from him and him being totally frustrated and going crazy as a result, when he finally got to spend time with his son, it had to be "supervised" by her, which basically meant her and him pretending to be together or "playing happy family" while I was left behind somewhere feeling like crap. Not to mention that I wasn't comfortable staying with his family either since his mom decided that she was against his divorce and had said some nasty things about me in the past, for which she apologized only after his ex kept his son from him and claimed that his mother and father were molesting the boy (which, of course, wasn't true). So it took her to mess up for them to see me as not that bad after all. How nice. But of course, "things would get better", right?
Well... fast forward... We arrived at his new duty station in 2009. I left my family, my friends and my job behind to start a new life with him. Within 2 days, the ex found out his new phone number (apparently from his mom) and kept calling constantly. He was trying to set up a better visitation agreement or something and as a result he was on the phone with her constantly. I became depressed because I was lonely and had no support. I was on the verge of being suicidal, crying in the corner somewhere, which went completely unnoticed because he was too busy being on the phone with her. Things went on like this and he got deployed for a year 2 months later. He became very controlling, jealous and emotionally abusive. When he returned from Iraq, I was ready to leave. But we went to counseling, he "realized" that he had put me second all this time and was deeply sorry for it (according to him). And of course, "things would get better". Well, it's been another year, and I don't know if anything got better. They pretty much talk on the phone more than "necessary", she dumps her emotional issues on him and somehow he forgot what she had put him through and acted like they were best friends or something for a while. Until I saw him talking to her inappropriately and telling her about our problems. I was furious and confronted him and it stopped- at least for now, which is good. However, I feel like the damage is already done. I now am a bitter frustrated person from feeling like my needs are constantly ignored or played down. I normally don't hold grudges but I seem to keep a tally of all the crap he put me through in mind and I can't get over it. I feel like this marriage is sucking the life out of me and resent him for the way he treated me. I seriously thought about leaving a few times but I love him and I keep thinking that maybe there is a chance that things will actually get better or that my perspective on things will change or something. But I know that I'm lying to myself because inside I'm sick of being second in his life. I'm sick of being the bad one when I complain about her asking for money for their son when she is too lazy to better herself and get a decent job. It may sound selfish and horrible but I paid for everything we own, I go to school full time and work full time, and his paycheck barely covers all the bills since over a third of his income already goes to her, and I'm sick and tired of struggling financially and then have some person asking for money she thinks she's entitled to for popping out a child. It makes me mad that I constantly work on bettering myself, getting an education and working my butt off just so that someone who dropped out of college 8 times (!) because it "wasn't fun" and who is working part-time can ask for a hand-out. And what makes me even more sick is that he doesn't even say care. I'm going to have to work more hours now so that I can go to the dentist and afford to get a crown while the ex who supposedly doesn't have any money can go on trips and to amusement parks. I'm also sick and tired about not having had a real wedding or honeymoon because we couldn't afford it. I'm sick of not being able to visit my family in Germany or take vacations because every trip we make has to be to Colorado because otherwise he feels guilty. I'm also sick and tired of being the bad one for making him feel like he can't be a father and a husband at the same time because he can't seem to set boundaries with his ex. I'm sick and tired of trying to make this marriage work which seems to be impossible without giving up my own hopes and needs. And I feel like I have sacrificed enough for this marriage already. I'm also sick and tired of being expected to just deal with things, be fine with all the crap that is put upon me and if I ever question any decision I'm being told that I "can't understand because I don't have children". I'm sick and tired of everything, even myself. I've become a bitter, spiteful person. The opposite of what I used to be. I don't even want to have children anymore after experiencing all this because I don't want to deal with the drama. It annoys me to hear about anything that has to do with children and ex-partners. I get mad when I hear about people having unplanned kids or complain about about their baby's mother or father because I've come to the point where I feel like people shouldn't have children with someone if they don't plan to stay with that person because it just makes everyone's life miserable who is involved with those people afterwards. Like mine. I can't stand hearing him tell stories about the time when they were together or about when his son was little. I'm also jealous of her now because I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough because I always come second. I feel cheated.This is my first marriage and the opposite of what I thought my marriage would be like. I can't stand the idea that I can't share any first experiences with him. No first marriage, no first child, no first anything. I'm 23 years old and I feel like an old, bitter woman who has wasted years of her life trying to please others without getting any reward for it. I resent my husband and I feel like we went from "us against the world" to "me against him and his ex". He doesn't understand me nor does he support me in any way. When I try tell him how I feel he gets offended because he feels like I am "attacking him" or making him choose between his son and me. I'm so sick of all this and what this has made me. I don't even recognize myself anymore. If I ever get the strength to leave (which is pretty inevitable since I've lost most of my respect for him and keep losing my love for him, piece by piece), I have sworn to myself that I will NEVER EVER date a man with children again!!!! Thanks for letting me vent!
madkitty madkitty 22-25, F 17 Responses Jun 20, 2011

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Cut and dried situation! Don't even think about it anymore!!

Save yourself!!! LEAVE. You are young. He's not being the husband you deserve!!

Sorry you had to learn the hard way... yeah, with so many single child-less kids around why many women settle for such losers, nobody knows. And laws in Germany are though! I brought my ex to court (and won!!! grin in my face!! yeah!) but feel really bad about his new wife. They have not yet got any child (she has an 11 years old girl what I can imagine has also been an ´interesting´ extra to his dominating patronising attitude). I am not married but I am with a divorced man with kids too... sometimes I wish really I had chosen someone without kids but at the same time I respect his love for them , and as a dad, he is a great support with my own kid too. No one learns from other´s experiences so.... no worries, you are still young and it´s never too late to stop something that is not making you happy, right?

Omg this sounds exactly like the situation I'm in now. I'm constantly depressed and just mad at the world it seems like. I can't even watch movies that deal with children because I resent the situation I'm in so much. I watched my sister marry and have children with a man that had already been married and had kids and he has nothing to do with my sisters children. I told myself then I would never go through that. And I KNOW I will if I have children with my husband now. And he says I'm just immature to the situation because I don't have children but that's not it all. I try but it just seems to get worse and worse. I left everything and moved away with him to a larger city and he can't make any sacrifices for me. It's never ending and most of the time I'm feel like I'm at my breaking point. I want a baby but I know I don't want one with a man that already has children (like my husband) so what the heck do I do? I love him but I'm going crazy.

LEAVE HIM!!! It only gets worse!!!!!!

I feel so sorry for you. Although my situation was not as bad as yours, I could not deal with the feeling of sharing my fiance (who was divorced and had 2 kids) with his ex. He would often feel guilty for leaving them and would try to go back to her but then come back to me. Every time he spoke with her on the phone he felt guilty and devastated and I could not stand this. I started becoming a miserable angry unhappy woman, feeling like I was tight down to some rock which is too hard for me to carry. I left him. And guess what, I am happy now. Because I got my life back. I dont date men with kids. They sound like trouble.

I can completely relate. Though we're not yet married, my fiance is constantly being pulled into his ex-wife's issues. She's always calling him to talk about what her parents did, said, etc., can you look at this house for me, can you help me with this, yada, yada, yada. I keep telling him that there needs to be some boundaries and he gets that--he really does listen when I tell him that she's acting inappropriately. He didn't quite realize how bad it was getting and I think he thought I was overreacting in my feelings when I would mention feeling second until the night she showed up at our house with a box of dirty dishes and demanded to use our sink because he wouldn't go over to her house at 9pm at night to look at a leak. She made a scene in our driveway and all of the neighbors came out to see what was going on. After that, he saw the crazy and knows he needs to start saying no, but everytime he tries she uses the excuse that whatever she's requesting at the time is "what's best for the kids." Fortunately we spend a lot of time with them and they stay with us often so he knows what's going on with them and she doesn't influence them negatively, but he often feels like he's in the middle because she has threatened to make things difficult for us if he doesn't do what she wants him to. What makes me so angry is she's the one who wanted the divorce, she was cheating on him, and now she acts like I'm a homewrecker. Good luck and hang in there-I've thought about leaving myself but love him so much and fortunately I know how much he loves me; in the end I just hope that the love we have is enough because as I've told him-she's never going to stop!

I can completely relate. Though we're not yet married, my fiance is constantly being pulled into his ex-wife's issues. She's always calling him to talk about what her parents did, said, etc., can you look at this house for me, can you help me with this, yada, yada, yada. I keep telling him that there needs to be some boundaries and he gets that--he really does listen when I tell him that she's acting inappropriately. He didn't quite realize how bad it was getting and I think he thought I was overreacting in my feelings when I would mention feeling second until the night she showed up at our house with a box of dirty dishes and demanded to use our sink because he wouldn't go over to her house at 9pm at night to look at a leak. She made a scene in our driveway and all of the neighbors came out to see what was going on. After that, he saw the crazy and knows he needs to start saying no, but everytime he tries she uses the excuse that whatever she's requesting at the time is "what's best for the kids." Fortunately we spend a lot of time with them and they stay with us often so he knows what's going on with them and she doesn't influence them negatively, but he often feels like he's in the middle because she has threatened to make things difficult for us if he doesn't do what she wants him to. What makes me so angry is she's the one who wanted the divorce, she was cheating on him, and now she acts like I'm a homewrecker. Good luck and hang in there-I've thought about leaving myself but love him so much and fortunately I know how much he loves me; in the end I just hope that the love we have is enough because as I've told him-she's never going to stop!

I can completely relate. Though we're not yet married, my fiance is constantly being pulled into his ex-wife's issues. She's always calling him to talk about what her parents did, said, etc., can you look at this house for me, can you help me with this, yada, yada, yada. I keep telling him that there needs to be some boundaries and he gets that--he really does listen when I tell him that she's acting inappropriately. He didn't quite realize how bad it was getting and I think he thought I was overreacting in my feelings when I would mention feeling second until the night she showed up at our house with a box of dirty dishes and demanded to use our sink because he wouldn't go over to her house at 9pm at night to look at a leak. She made a scene in our driveway and all of the neighbors came out to see what was going on. After that, he saw the crazy and knows he needs to start saying no, but everytime he tries she uses the excuse that whatever she's requesting at the time is "what's best for the kids." Fortunately we spend a lot of time with them and they stay with us often so he knows what's going on with them and she doesn't influence them negatively, but he often feels like he's in the middle because she has threatened to make things difficult for us if he doesn't do what she wants him to. What makes me so angry is she's the one who wanted the divorce, she was cheating on him, and now she acts like I'm a homewrecker. Good luck and hang in there-I've thought about leaving myself but love him so much and fortunately I know how much he loves me; in the end I just hope that the love we have is enough because as I've told him-she's never going to stop!

I can completely relate. Though we're not yet married, my fiance is constantly being pulled into his ex-wife's issues. She's always calling him to talk about what her parents did, said, etc., can you look at this house for me, can you help me with this, yada, yada, yada. I keep telling him that there needs to be some boundaries and he gets that--he really does listen when I tell him that she's acting inappropriately. He didn't quite realize how bad it was getting and I think he thought I was overreacting in my feelings when I would mention feeling second until the night she showed up at our house with a box of dirty dishes and demanded to use our sink because he wouldn't go over to her house at 9pm at night to look at a leak. She made a scene in our driveway and all of the neighbors came out to see what was going on. After that, he saw the crazy and knows he needs to start saying no, but everytime he tries she uses the excuse that whatever she's requesting at the time is "what's best for the kids." Fortunately we spend a lot of time with them and they stay with us often so he knows what's going on with them and she doesn't influence them negatively, but he often feels like he's in the middle because she has threatened to make things difficult for us if he doesn't do what she wants him to. What makes me so angry is she's the one who wanted the divorce, she was cheating on him, and now she acts like I'm a homewrecker. Good luck and hang in there-I've thought about leaving myself but love him so much and fortunately I know how much he loves me; in the end I just hope that the love we have is enough because as I've told him-she's never going to stop!

I can completely relate. Though we're not yet married, my fiance is constantly being pulled into his ex-wife's issues. She's always calling him to talk about what her parents did, said, etc., can you look at this house for me, can you help me with this, yada, yada, yada. I keep telling him that there needs to be some boundaries and he gets that--he really does listen when I tell him that she's acting inappropriately. He didn't quite realize how bad it was getting and I think he thought I was overreacting in my feelings when I would mention feeling second until the night she showed up at our house with a box of dirty dishes and demanded to use our sink because he wouldn't go over to her house at 9pm at night to look at a leak. She made a scene in our driveway and all of the neighbors came out to see what was going on. After that, he saw the crazy and knows he needs to start saying no, but everytime he tries she uses the excuse that whatever she's requesting at the time is "what's best for the kids." Fortunately we spend a lot of time with them and they stay with us often so he knows what's going on with them and she doesn't influence them negatively, but he often feels like he's in the middle because she has threatened to make things difficult for us if he doesn't do what she wants him to. What makes me so angry is she's the one who wanted the divorce, she was cheating on him, and now she acts like I'm a homewrecker. Good luck and hang in there-I've thought about leaving myself but love him so much and fortunately I know how much he loves me; in the end I just hope that the love we have is enough because as I've told him-she's never going to stop!

I mean you sticking it out FOR him, and YOU sacraficing FOR him!

Ok, I just put a post singing the praises of marriage and how one should never get divorced, but,...since you don't have kids with this man...RUN!!! RUN LIKE THE WIND!!! Did you know that in MANY states subsequent children from subsequent marriages DO NOT matter!? Mine is one of them... Yeah, I found this out AFTER having 5 subsequent kids with my husband!!! It's true, in fact in one state I read that if you have subsequent kids and then proceed to get a divorce the first wife is notified so that if your husband is making more money SHE gets it, then you'll get whatever the guideline amount would be AFTER she gets her increase!!!! You have like ZERO incentive to stay in this. And to top it off with him disrespecting you, sticking it out with him and sacraficing for you...ugh!!! Like I said though, I don't know what state you live in, so you'd do well to check your laws about child support, before you contemplate having ANY KIDS with this man!!! and FYI...something TERRIBLE happens to a first wife when she finds out the second wife is pregnant...a monster emerges, and NEVER goes away!

I am sorry to say but I have NO respect for woThis does nothing but damage and completely break the first family and cause the children to go into depression, contemplate suicide and cause their mother to leave them.

.its curse from first wife and childern.

I know exactly what you're talking about and I feel exactly as you do. Don't throw away your life, you deserveso much more. you deserved to be loved and cherished by your husband, any man, divorced or single ,kids or not, should love and cherish his wife. If he doesn't seem able to love and cherish you as his wife because he has an ex and a child, that is his problem and you get out there and find someone that can.

It is so amazing to me that we second wives have so much in common and go through so many of the same experiences and deal with so much but we are always seen as the bad person for having feelings and opinions about the lives that we have to live. Its so feakin unfair

I am so sorry for you. My situation was nowhere near as bad as yours, and I couldn't deal. We weren't even married. But his divorce wasn't finished, though they'd been separated for 10, and I just didn't feel he had proper boundaries with her. So I broke up a week ago. And I have felt myself returning to normal and it feels so good. But the anger and bitterness was starting to eat me alive. It was awful. As much as I miss the good stuff we had, he wasn't in a position where I could be first. And it was one of the most terrible feelings ever. You can find your way out. You can. Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean they are the one for you. Good luck.