Sick And Tired Of Being The Second Wife... Bitter, Depressed & LonelyIt's late and I'm sitting here after a few glasses of wine, I'm frustrated as usual, and came across this site and felt that I need to vent, too. After all, I don't have anyone else to vent to about how much I hate being the second wife and a stepmom, really. We've been married for over 2 years now, we've been dating for over 2 years before getting married. He's in the Army and at the time we were dating he was stationed in Germany (where we met). He had a son who is 6 now and was going through a divorce (and got pretty much screwed, as far as child support/ other costs/ visitation goes). I was young at the time (I'm 23 now), independent, happy and enjoying life. Our relationship sort of "just happened". We didn't plan on getting serious but somehow we fell in love and decided to get married before he got orders to return to the states. For some reason him having a son and ex-wife didn't really bother me although I had to deal with her drama and him feeling ****** during and after the divorce but according to him "things would get better when we're back in the states" anyway, and I believed it (Stupid me!). I should've known better. We went to Colorado for Christmas before we got married to visit his family and his son. Those 2 weeks probably were the worst of my life...! Not only did I have to deal with his ex keeping his son from him and him being totally frustrated and going crazy as a result, when he finally got to spend time with his son, it had to be "supervised" by her, which basically meant her and him pretending to be together or "playing happy family" while I was left behind somewhere feeling like crap. Not to mention that I wasn't comfortable staying with his family either since his mom decided that she was against his divorce and had said some nasty things about me in the past, for which she apologized only after his ex kept his son from him and claimed that his mother and father were molesting the boy (which, of course, wasn't true). So it took her to mess up for them to see me as not that bad after all. How nice. But of course, "things would get better", right?
Well... fast forward... We arrived at his new duty station in 2009. I left my family, my friends and my job behind to start a new life with him. Within 2 days, the ex found out his new phone number (apparently from his mom) and kept calling constantly. He was trying to set up a better visitation agreement or something and as a result he was on the phone with her constantly. I became depressed because I was lonely and had no support. I was on the verge of being suicidal, crying in the corner somewhere, which went completely unnoticed because he was too busy being on the phone with her. Things went on like this and he got deployed for a year 2 months later. He became very controlling, jealous and emotionally abusive. When he returned from Iraq, I was ready to leave. But we went to counseling, he "realized" that he had put me second all this time and was deeply sorry for it (according to him). And of course, "things would get better". Well, it's been another year, and I don't know if anything got better. They pretty much talk on the phone more than "necessary", she dumps her emotional issues on him and somehow he forgot what she had put him through and acted like they were best friends or something for a while. Until I saw him talking to her inappropriately and telling her about our problems. I was furious and confronted him and it stopped- at least for now, which is good. However, I feel like the damage is already done. I now am a bitter frustrated person from feeling like my needs are constantly ignored or played down. I normally don't hold grudges but I seem to keep a tally of all the crap he put me through in mind and I can't get over it. I feel like this marriage is sucking the life out of me and resent him for the way he treated me. I seriously thought about leaving a few times but I love him and I keep thinking that maybe there is a chance that things will actually get better or that my perspective on things will change or something. But I know that I'm lying to myself because inside I'm sick of being second in his life. I'm sick of being the bad one when I complain about her asking for money for their son when she is too lazy to better herself and get a decent job. It may sound selfish and horrible but I paid for everything we own, I go to school full time and work full time, and his paycheck barely covers all the bills since over a third of his income already goes to her, and I'm sick and tired of struggling financially and then have some person asking for money she thinks she's entitled to for popping out a child. It makes me mad that I constantly work on bettering myself, getting an education and working my butt off just so that someone who dropped out of college 8 times (!) because it "wasn't fun" and who is working part-time can ask for a hand-out. And what makes me even more sick is that he doesn't even say care. I'm going to have to work more hours now so that I can go to the dentist and afford to get a crown while the ex who supposedly doesn't have any money can go on trips and to amusement parks. I'm also sick and tired about not having had a real wedding or honeymoon because we couldn't afford it. I'm sick of not being able to visit my family in Germany or take vacations because every trip we make has to be to Colorado because otherwise he feels guilty. I'm also sick and tired of being the bad one for making him feel like he can't be a father and a husband at the same time because he can't seem to set boundaries with his ex. I'm sick and tired of trying to make this marriage work which seems to be impossible without giving up my own hopes and needs. And I feel like I have sacrificed enough for this marriage already. I'm also sick and tired of being expected to just deal with things, be fine with all the crap that is put upon me and if I ever question any decision I'm being told that I "can't understand because I don't have children". I'm sick and tired of everything, even myself. I've become a bitter, spiteful person. The opposite of what I used to be. I don't even want to have children anymore after experiencing all this because I don't want to deal with the drama. It annoys me to hear about anything that has to do with children and ex-partners. I get mad when I hear about people having unplanned kids or complain about about their baby's mother or father because I've come to the point where I feel like people shouldn't have children with someone if they don't plan to stay with that person because it just makes everyone's life miserable who is involved with those people afterwards. Like mine. I can't stand hearing him tell stories about the time when they were together or about when his son was little. I'm also jealous of her now because I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough because I always come second. I feel cheated.This is my first marriage and the opposite of what I thought my marriage would be like. I can't stand the idea that I can't share any first experiences with him. No first marriage, no first child, no first anything. I'm 23 years old and I feel like an old, bitter woman who has wasted years of her life trying to please others without getting any reward for it. I resent my husband and I feel like we went from "us against the world" to "me against him and his ex". He doesn't understand me nor does he support me in any way. When I try tell him how I feel he gets offended because he feels like I am "attacking him" or making him choose between his son and me. I'm so sick of all this and what this has made me. I don't even recognize myself anymore. If I ever get the strength to leave (which is pretty inevitable since I've lost most of my respect for him and keep losing my love for him, piece by piece), I have sworn to myself that I will NEVER EVER date a man with children again!!!! Thanks for letting me vent!
madkitty 22-25, F 17 Responses 1 Jun 20, 2011